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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Holiday is off isn’t it..

124 replies

IronNeonClasp · 11/10/2023 18:59

Please help MN’s
Boyfriend of nearly 5 years on and off has relapsed on cocaine. Took me weeks to work out and confront and finally found out Sunday. Been about 6 weeks. I’m off sick since week ago Thurs as it’s all taken it’s toll on me, the suspicion and admission. He’s been clean about 18m. Family know about past behaviour as there was a lot of fallout.
We’re meant to be going abroad to visit his family on Saturday. Loads of plans for my upcoming birthday. Have care for the kids and our dog covered too.
But I can’t go can I? I can’t act in front of them that nothing has happened.
Also would need to log on tomorrow in order to go on leave - but I’ve been numb, livid and on a rollercoaster since he finally admitted it.
Doc suggested I should still go for my mental health but I don’t think I can hold a lie and it might all come out but if he just arrives he can say anything to cover his relapse.
I’m so messed up. I said if this ever happened again it was over. But now I have to lose the holiday I have been looking forward to for months :( I can’t even bring myself to message one of his family members to discuss my predicament.
WWYD?

OP posts:
BurbleBumleBleep · 17/10/2023 20:53

I’d go. He’s fucked up and will probably do so again. Just go as a last swan song. You’ve doubtless lost loads of things over the five years . Enjoy this last thing.

Just read your last post. Go with your initial feelings and just have a break.

RowenaEllis · 18/10/2023 03:15

BurbleBumleBleep · 17/10/2023 20:53

I’d go. He’s fucked up and will probably do so again. Just go as a last swan song. You’ve doubtless lost loads of things over the five years . Enjoy this last thing.

Just read your last post. Go with your initial feelings and just have a break.

You've missed her last post, she went, it all went wrong

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 18/10/2023 07:32

Separate houses, sesperate everything he’s been living at mine rent free for 18 months. I’m a fool. Oh well. Part of the reason stuff has got so intense as I have been highlighting the need to move and putting a bit of pressure on..
Theres much much more to everything that has happened here maybe I can pen it sometime. It really does amaze me some men’s entitlement and how much they will drain the life out of you the ‘prey mantis horsehair’ and ‘leach’ ways. I have learned a good lesson at the expense of my birthday wallet but hopefully get to see my kids sooner and the dog. And the ex-H who’s been super sympathetic

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 18/10/2023 12:21

I’m at the airport. Booked a coach for when I get back. Then I’ll have to wait an hour for a train.
lessons learned ! Now just need to work out how to get his stuff (in my house) back to him! Hopefully can get it all done before he gets home. Send good vibes please even if I am stupid :(

OP posts:
Brocollimatilda · 18/10/2023 16:34

Not stupid, just optimistic. Hope the journey back is uneventful.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 18/10/2023 21:47

Brocollimatilda · 18/10/2023 16:34

Not stupid, just optimistic. Hope the journey back is uneventful.

Aw thank you 🤗 I do feel I need to work on my optimism (and my boundaries as clearly I have none).
For anyone interested I’m safely back in the UK; another 10 hours ish until I’m home.

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 06:10

I’m just home. Had about an hours sleep 😩 Also next door neighbour v good friends with now ex-bf Mother so I’m creeping around the house. Desperately need to move…

OP posts:
Trusttheprocess1 · 19/10/2023 06:18

I don’t think you’ve done anything to be ashamed about- no need to creep around or move. If it’s any of their business, just tell the truth. He’s lied, leeched off you and he is a drug user; whatever his family think of you, that’s the truth and that’s what you tell people. Glad you are home safe, don’t forget to add some frozen prawns to his pockets when you pack his stuff up…

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 06:33

Well I didn’t really want them to know I was back! You can tell I’m sleep deprived I haven’t thought this through at all. I’ve felt so many feelings the last 24 hours.
It sucks - it really does. Literally when I spoke to his sibling last week they had my back - now they’ve all turned against me and taken his side I just feel cheated. My fault for leaving !

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 06:36

Trusttheprocess1 · 19/10/2023 06:18

I don’t think you’ve done anything to be ashamed about- no need to creep around or move. If it’s any of their business, just tell the truth. He’s lied, leeched off you and he is a drug user; whatever his family think of you, that’s the truth and that’s what you tell people. Glad you are home safe, don’t forget to add some frozen prawns to his pockets when you pack his stuff up…

Prawns - why would I waste prawns 🤓 Night !

OP posts:
Hibiscrubbed · 19/10/2023 09:16

IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 06:33

Well I didn’t really want them to know I was back! You can tell I’m sleep deprived I haven’t thought this through at all. I’ve felt so many feelings the last 24 hours.
It sucks - it really does. Literally when I spoke to his sibling last week they had my back - now they’ve all turned against me and taken his side I just feel cheated. My fault for leaving !

He’s a lying, disgusting freeloading coke head. His family have all taken his side. Well, more fool them. They’re all cunts, stupid ones. And no loss.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 18:49

I’m so fed up he’s got away with this relapse Scott free and made me the scapegoat. I’m of the thinking it was all planned. He’s taken his house key that was here (in my house)… Is it normal to feel angry and empty about this despicable treatment?

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 20/10/2023 18:44

IronNeonClasp · 19/10/2023 18:49

I’m so fed up he’s got away with this relapse Scott free and made me the scapegoat. I’m of the thinking it was all planned. He’s taken his house key that was here (in my house)… Is it normal to feel angry and empty about this despicable treatment?

I’ve found his house key. I’m toying whether to ask one of his friends to escort me to his house to take back his stuff (2 large items) before he gets back and post the key. Mainly because I am terrified of seeing a certain family member turning up to mine. I have to get this done tomorrow. Can anyone help me?

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 20/10/2023 19:09

Does he have a key of YOUR house? And do you have stuff at his house too?

Ponderingwindow · 20/10/2023 19:25

Just slow down. Most personal objects do not matter.

is there anything on his home that is particularly important to you from a sentimental perspective? Any paperwork or personal documents? Anything that is particularly valuable? If yes and you have a key, go collect those items. Don’t worry about anything else unless it is easy to grab in one trip.

for your home, I would change the locks. Collect all his items in your front room. Let him know he can make an appointment to pick up his belongings. If you can, have the items outside when he arrives, if not, ask a friend or family member to be at your home for the exchange.

as for the trip, I don’t know why people didn’t advise you to cancel. If it was my family member I would have hoped that you would have messaged before his arrival because I would not have wanted a visit from a relapsing family member.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 20/10/2023 19:39

Ponderingwindow · 20/10/2023 19:25

Just slow down. Most personal objects do not matter.

is there anything on his home that is particularly important to you from a sentimental perspective? Any paperwork or personal documents? Anything that is particularly valuable? If yes and you have a key, go collect those items. Don’t worry about anything else unless it is easy to grab in one trip.

for your home, I would change the locks. Collect all his items in your front room. Let him know he can make an appointment to pick up his belongings. If you can, have the items outside when he arrives, if not, ask a friend or family member to be at your home for the exchange.

as for the trip, I don’t know why people didn’t advise you to cancel. If it was my family member I would have hoped that you would have messaged before his arrival because I would not have wanted a visit from a relapsing family member.

Yes - I know now I should never have gone. I had been in touch with said sibling but he gave no direction couple of days beforehand (but loved when I was out there so they could blame me also).

I have nothing important at his but a friend warned me going in there unaccompanied is unwise - trespass etc. I want this shit out of my house - need to close the chapter. I am on a limited timeline and I don’t want to see his family member (likely to pick said stuff up) ever again…

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 20/10/2023 20:59

If you can afford to ‘loose’ what’s at his house, then I’d enrol a friend to do the handover his stuff + key to the family member.
Then you dint see them.
And they are much less likely to kick up a fuss

DawsonWins · 20/10/2023 20:59

Then you can turn the page, block etc….

ShouldGoToBed · 20/10/2023 21:10

Don’t go. Keep the childcare plans in place and take time out for you alone. Long walks and thinking time, to work out what you want to do next. He needs to know you mean what you say and you can’t go if you want him to take you seriously, or this will just happen over and over again.

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 20/10/2023 21:28

Potentially found one of his friends. Just need this stuff and his key out of my house.
I cannot leave any stone unturned as he will find a way back in.
I’m petrified of one of his family likely to turn up in Sunday.
Fingers crossed it’s sorted tomorrow

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 20/10/2023 21:29

ShouldGoToBed · 20/10/2023 21:10

Don’t go. Keep the childcare plans in place and take time out for you alone. Long walks and thinking time, to work out what you want to do next. He needs to know you mean what you say and you can’t go if you want him to take you seriously, or this will just happen over and over again.

Thanks but we are passed this place :)

OP posts:
DawsonWins · 20/10/2023 21:40

IronNeonClasp · 20/10/2023 21:28

Potentially found one of his friends. Just need this stuff and his key out of my house.
I cannot leave any stone unturned as he will find a way back in.
I’m petrified of one of his family likely to turn up in Sunday.
Fingers crossed it’s sorted tomorrow

If anyone comes to your house, you dint have to open the door.
Not to them, not to your ex. Not to anyone You don’t want to see.

And if you are worried they could still come in (has a copy of the key?), you can still change the locks tomorrow. (Plenty of vidéo on YouTube will show you what to do if you are unsure)

Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 22/10/2023 22:02

Yes he has a key and I have his.
Friend I contacted checked with ex and was warned off by ex (didn’t want anyone in his house). He didn’t turn up tonight I’m not sure how he’s going to play this tbh. No way I can get gigantic mattress and TV out of the house myself.
Upset he threw me under a bus to save himself.
Should I unblock and say time / place or just leave? Really don’t want a confrontation tbh. Any idea what their game plan is? So broken hearted about the entire situation which is totally stressing me out..

OP posts:
Original poster
IronNeonClasp · 22/10/2023 22:06

Feel like a sitting duck :(

OP posts:
Pinkshoppingbag · 23/10/2023 19:35

How are you?