Husband grumpy if I haven’t made dinner

[Anon1234567891]

My H goes to a hobby 2 or 3 nights a week. On these nights he wants to have dinner early, pretty much when he comes in. If I haven’t started it he is moody/grumpy and will start stomping around doing the dinner. I get in after I have picked up the DC from school so haven’t really got an excuse but the other day I was under the impression he was going to do himself a quick tea but apparently I was wrong. This is one of the many things he is critical/grumpy about so maybe this is why I am annoyed about it when it is “my job”. Just wondered if I am being unreasonable if I haven’t done it or if it’s fair I have to stick to his strict timetable just because he’s going out.

ChatGPT or a 12-year-old boy?

Honestly, where can I get myself a 1950's housewife like the ones here on MN? Because I really want someone to treat me like I'm the centre of the whole fucking Universe.

OP isn't just "working" part time, though. She's a full time mother which is a 24/7 job. HTH

How about on early dinner days he does the cooking and you wash up?

DH is an equal partner here but there is a lot going on, we always have a chat on Sundays about what’s coming up in the week ahead and agree roles

Jesus, the surrendered wives are out in force tonight. I’m finding it a bit disturbing.

She will be doing the dinner. At the usual dinnertime.
He wants her to rush and make his early because he wants to go enjoy a hobby. So she gets the extra stress of rushing to do his dinner so he can go and have a leisurely night while she deals with the kids.
Doesn't seem fair.

I honestly don't get the issue about making the dinner is all (as I say, the stomping about it isn't on though)

I'd just be making something the day before that'd stretch over 2 days, or using the slow cooker in the morning.

I'm a mum too.

I’m sorry for you that you can’t see the issue here.

It’s not about making the dinner, it’s about a stroppy man demanding it earlier so he can swan off out of family life three nights a week, and having a stampy tantrum when his wife hasn’t ‘performed her duties’ as he So demands.

I’d be curious to know how engaged this man is with his children, and if he ever takes them so his wife gets equal leisure time to herself. I’d be quite confident to put all my worldly goods on betting he isn’t and doesn’t.

The issue isn't the dinner then, it's that he's off out when OP would prefer him to be at home.

How much time do you think the OP has to be able to make the dinner earlier than usual? You keep referencing her being part time, but she’s not finishing at 3pm and putting her feet up, she’s collecting several children from different places, including an after-school activity, so finally gets home at what, 4.30pm? If her DC are like mine the immediate after-school bit is the only window where they’ve got enough sense to do homework/reading before the witching hour sets in, she’s got more than one DC to supervise doing this, so that takes her to 5pm. I don’t know if she’s said her husband’s hours but if it’s 9-5, then he’s free from work at the same point she’s “free” from childcare – but with DC who still need collecting from school there’s still a certain level of supervision required. So then she starts dinner, and he starts moaning that it’s not ready yet. That’s the issue: she IS making dinner but the timing is not to his satisfaction.

And prepping something to put in the slow cooker in the morning is only a solution if there’s time to do so in the morning – when is she doing this among shepherding the DC to school, getting ready herself, doing her job? Perhaps after she’s cleared up dinner and loaded the dishwasher and checked bags are ready for the morning and done all the bedtimes – she could be hitting the timer button just as her husband comes home!

I’m sure like most working parents, OP has systems and schedules in place to manage all the moving parts and ensure everyone gets fed and collected and so on, and there’s not really a spare minute that isn’t accounted for; throwing in demands for random husband early dinner 2-3 nights a week is a big spanner in the works – it’s not as simple as “just get organised and make him a stew, housewife!” It’s the mental labour of rearranging all those moving parts to accommodate a moaning man who knows where the toasted sandwich maker is.

@spitefulandbadgrammar perhaps, but I am saying her husband is not a lone voice. I wouldn't be happy in his shoes either (I know exactly what the after school routine is like because I do it myself)

@Dacadactyl I’m struggling with why you’d be unhappy, knowing what after-school entails? OP’s time isn’t freely available. Her husband is working 9-5 paid work, no childcare, then having a night out. She’s working 9-3 paid work, then 3-8 or 9pm (depending on DC’s bedtimes) second shift, no night out. You’d really be unhappy at having to forage in the fridge for leftovers or make a sandwich, because you were absent during regular dinner time?

I do 99% of the cooking in our house because I’m home first. My DH goes out 2-3 nights a week too. I don’t cook to a strict schedule- it’s ready when it’s ready. If dinners ready before he goes he’ll eat but most of the time he’ll just reheat once he comes home. Sod being dictated to by someone’s hobby. And sod putting up with grumpy behaviour because he hasn’t got his own way. You need to nip this in the bud now.

Given you work whilst the kids are in school and then have to collect the it’s clear you don’t have time earlier in the day to cook dinner.

I think he is being unreasonable. Tell him you simply don’t have time to cook that early and if he wants to eat at 5 you can help him batch cook at weekend. Otherwise have a sandwich and eat after. Or maybe make more the day before and leave in fridge.

@spitefulandbadgrammar yes because I'd expect him to have planned ahead for my hobby and had dinner ready earlier to accommodate it.

I would do the same for him and do so 2 nights a week already. One night cos he and DS need to eat earlier for football training and on another night cos I am out of the house in the evening (working)

That being said, if I felt the division of labour was unfair on the whole or I if thought my efforts were unappreciated, I wouldn't be putting myself out too much. However, for a happier household the ran smoothly overall I wouldn't necessafily dig my heels in unless all attempts to discuss the issue were met with inaction/ignored.

So basically you would comply with the demands of a lazy fucker for the "smooth running" of the household and happily demonstrate to your children that women should be doormats complying with the demands of their lords and masters?

Never mind the 1950s, its bloody Stepford.

OP works nearly full time herself by the time she has done kids/kids after school activities. She does the overwhelming bulk of the household tasks including cooking.

Blokey, whose paid hours are not much more than the OPs if he is home in time for early dinner at least most nights, does sod all and whinges about what he does do. Then he adds to the OP's load further so that he can opt out entirely several evenings as week.

What is so difficult to understand here? Its not a fair split of work and responsibilities with the bonus of the slacker being obnoxious about it.

This.

And if it's so easy to throw a few things in the slow cooker first thing in the morning (as someone suggested up thread), then why can't he just do that himself?

Nope that's not what I said at all.

I think it just takes good communication OP. Why don’t you agree who’s doing what before you leave in the morning. Delegate tasks between you etc. that way everyone knows where they stand

I’d lay the table beautifully and then present him with a pot noodle 😂

Thanks for reply’s. I know I should say something when he is grumpy but I’m not good with conflict, a childhood thing I think. I will have to get the courage to speak up when he does these things as otherwise I guess I will continue to be unhappy and he will think everything is fine.

the ancient rule of marriage:

The non-cooking spouse doth not rule the dinners. desiring the control of this realm, the non-cooking spouse shall buy a take-away or cook their own bloody food :P

Seriously though, OP if you think you won't have time to cook just let him know so he can stop by McDonald's or something

Oh god another one of these.
Next time he moans say if you don't like it, then you do it.
and wait for him to do it.
Write a list of what he does and what you do.
The hours he does hobbies and the hobby you do (bet you don't have one).
Heard the same story a million times!
You're too nice like 99% of women.
He needs a sharp dose of reality and you need a whole load of gratitude.
Good luck☘️😘

I think a few days away from him and kids would give you space to think about what you want to do re this marriage, and might give him a wake-up call.

Any chance of it?

The problem here is lack of communication.

Who is cooking dinner and when should be something that's known in advance, not an unwritten expectation that's left up in the air. For example, usually DP does the cooking, but as he was back late yesterday I knew it would be my job. And as he told me what time he'd be back I knew when I'd be doing it. We'll be doing a batch cook together this weekend too, and I already knew it'll be happening on Sunday afternoon, because we've communicated the timing of our other plans with each other.

If it's OP's turn to cook but her husband wants dinner earlier, he should ask her politely in advance, not stomp around in a huff because she hasn't read his mind. If it's not possible for her to cook earlier she can then say so and they can work out the solution (he makes his own dinner) like adults.

Why don't people talk to each other about basic logistics!!!