Husband grumpy if I haven’t made dinner

[Anon1234567891]

My H goes to a hobby 2 or 3 nights a week. On these nights he wants to have dinner early, pretty much when he comes in. If I haven’t started it he is moody/grumpy and will start stomping around doing the dinner. I get in after I have picked up the DC from school so haven’t really got an excuse but the other day I was under the impression he was going to do himself a quick tea but apparently I was wrong. This is one of the many things he is critical/grumpy about so maybe this is why I am annoyed about it when it is “my job”. Just wondered if I am being unreasonable if I haven’t done it or if it’s fair I have to stick to his strict timetable just because he’s going out.

It's not your problem to solve, if your planned dinner time doesn't fit with his hobbies, 2 or 3 times a week. Why isn't he able to solve this for himself? Simple solution is for him to buy a few ready meals or similar that he can microwave for himself on those nights so he can eat before his hobby.

If you make dinner to his timetable, that is a kind and loving thing to do, but it’s you doing him a favour. Therefore he should be extremely appreciative when you do it and should not expect it. Grumpiness about it is completely unacceptable. And by the way, does he regularly put himself out for you?

Oh, that's a whole other shine on it.

You work part time because you're doing the pickups (and drop offs?) - it's not like you knock off at 3 then sit around sipping tea...

so yes, he's being especially unreasonable. He definitely shouldn't be grumpy - you're a person cooking dinner for the family, not a restaurant, and he's one person out of that family.

If it works for you to cook earlier, do, otherwise he can knock up his own early dinner, or defrost something.

What's this hobby that he's in such a rush to get to? I'd find that rude that 3 nights a week there's no family mealtime because he constantly puts himself first...

Ditto. And he’s perfectly capable of making a sandwich if he needs to eat before the family mealtime

Why can't he have leftovers from what the kids have had for their tea and warm them up for himself?
You are a saint for putting up with him being out that many evenings. How many nights to you get to be out doing your hobby? And does he have dinner ready for you when you get back?

No

This man is behaving abusively and your response is to suggest being more organised🙄
You are backing up the idea that he is right to treat her like this.
Derision is abuse

This

The fact that he whinges about doing any of the household work speaks volumes.

Deeply unattractive.

@Anon1234567891

The supermarkets and other food shops are full of ready meals that he could get out of the fridge/freezer and microwave for himself. Whoever buys the groceries can add them to the list.

Him being a grumpy Gus would just make me dig my heels in if he tried to treat me like the little housewife. 🌹

My DH plays tennis a couple of times a week. He has a quick snack before he goes and then heats up his tea when he gets home.

If he wanted to eat something more substantial before hand he could make himself a sandwich/toastie/something out of the freezer. If anyone was going to be grumpy it'd be me because I'm stuck at home doing teatime/baths/bedtime on my own (but I'm not because he's an excellent husband and I'm happy for him to do something he enjoys.)

Your DH is being a knobhead.

My husband comes in at all different times and always likes quite a bland dinner in comparison to what the kids an I eat. As cooking is 'my' job he has stew everyday in the slow cooker.

Takes me 10 mins each morning fry a handful of stewing beef with onion, peel a carrot and few potatoes. Throw it all in the slow cooker with a packet mix thing and leave it there all day.
I don't think about it again, he has food whenever he wants it, no moaning from him or waiting.
Me and the kids can just carry on with whatever we are doing and have whatever we want to eat then.

It doesn’t sound like it’s your job to cook; it sounds like you think it should be. But how are you supposed to do that when picking up children from different schools and clubs, and presumably supervising after-school reading, etc? Ignore the 1950s tip from a pp about batch cooking his favourites.

In our house, midweek meals ARE my job but that’s because we sat down and divvied up jobs between us according to time, availability, common sense, an equal division of shit jobs. There’s also an understanding that if our baby behaves like a rascal and naps go tits up, we’re having oven food for dinner. Plus if DD wants to dawdle on the walk home from school or go to the playground because it’s sunny: that need trumps our dinner need, especially in a world where beans on toast exists.

We’ve also agreed that evening hobbies should be facilitated by the person getting to do the hobby: no tantrumming that the lobster Thermidor isn’t ready before I leave the house, either I make something for myself before running out the door or I eat after.

I suspect your DH is a prick, it’s fairly standard on here.

Or else he’s being VVVVVVU expecting his strict timetable to be adhered to because it suits HIM anx as a grown adult he’s perfectly capable of making himself a snack then having dinner heated up when he gets home.

His choice to partake in a time consuming hobby - he needs to organise himself better

What’s the impact? He missed his hobby/ it becomes too late to eat? Does he have time to make it himself?

I think if you’ve said you will and he’s expecting in then everything’s thrown off because you haven’t without pre warning him I can see why it might make him grumpy.

could he have a ready meal or a sandwich on those nights to avoid the issue entirely?

Tell him if he wants to eat early and you haven't had chance/don't want to do dinner, then he can just get himself something. Or make a running agreement that hobby night is 'get your own' night.
I'm going to a group tonight that starts before our normal dinner time, so I will just get myself something before I go, I am out on Friday for a meal with a friend - in both situations I haven't conisdered what DH will do for his dinner...not because I am a rubbish wife, but because he is perfectly capable of feeding himself.

Hahaha are you completely insane.

Things like he makes DD sandwiches 2 or 3 times a week (while making his own) but moans that he’s always doing the sandwiches (Even though he worked away part of the week before and I did all the stuff before and after school as well as working)

He started doing the shopping a while ago (as he didn’t like how much I spent) but constantly moans about having to do it. And if I do it at the other shop he moans that I’ve spent to much even though I compare prices to where he goes.

Moans on the very rare occasion that he mows the lawn.

Had criticised my driving then complains that I don’t do the driving when we go out together.

I commented that he hadn’t put the dishwasher on the night before when I’d gone to bed and he said I hadn’t asked him to.

Same with the bins. I usually put them out but had forgotten to, so I thought I’d ask him to do it when he got back from his hobby. I was upstairs when he got back and when I came down I asked if he had put the bin out and again he said i hadn’t asked him to, which was true but I thought all of them lining the street would’ve given him a clue.

He’s said that I am untidy and he’s “had to come down to my level” but yet he leaves used razor blades on the side, empty toiletries all over the bathroom. Food wrappers on the side when he has made himself something to eat. Yes I’m not the tidiest but I have to clean up after everyone else.

Things like these.

He sounds a delight to live with. Any good points? Not including him going to his hobbies and taking his moods with him.

He shouldn't be stomping around and moaning because you haven't made him something to eat no.
Does he even ask you nicely the day before or just expects it?

Wow he sounds lovely to live with! What are his good points?

IMO dinner is when you make it. If it works for you all to have it earlier when he has to go out, I'd do that. Otherwise, you make it, leave him a portion for later/to freeze for next time he has his hobby. Then he can just microwave something for himself on those days, or make a sandwich.

I cook dinner every night, but I won't cook at different times/different things.

He shouldn't be grumpy, but if it's a planned activity and you know that, and you'd be cooking anyway and you're home after school, it seems fair you'd cook in time for him to eat before his activity.

He doesn’t seem to have much respect for you

And his good points are?

If my DH wasn't going to be at home for dinner, I'd tell him to have a sandwich before he goes then heat up leftovers, or sort himself out! It's not bloody tricky!
You're not his skivvy. Stand up for yourself!

Just curious to know if you've suggested having a chat about how to split the chores, so that you can reach an agreement that suits you both?

If not, what is it that stops you? If so, what happened, that left you still with this problem?