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Original poster

Struggling after being ghosted and need a kick I think

123 replies

Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:20

I’m a bit of a mess, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I was with a man for several months and 3 weeks ago he ghosted me. I’d been at his, I left, we were texting when I got him just to say I’d arrived safely. He was going to bed and sent a message saying he loved the smell of my hair on his pillows etc and goodnight. When I woke up the next morning, i sent him a reply but it never delivered and his profile pic on WhatsApp was blank. I tried calling but it didn’t go through. I called his phone not using WhatsApp and it didn’t go through. He’s gone from all my social media, Snapchat, blocked on everything.

I haven’t tried him from different numbers, I haven’t driven over the knock on his door. If he was going to do that then I won’t make a fool of myself chasing him but I just can’t get past if. When I say he is all I’ve though of for 3 weeks, it’s not a lie. It’s constantly in my head, because I don’t understand why he did that.

I just need a kick up the ass to get over this or works of wisdom that it gets better, if anyone has been through it.

OP posts:
FrancisSeaton · 09/10/2023 18:21

Men are just weird awful cunts mainly

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:30

Yeah, a lot of them seem to be.
I just don’t understand how he could do that and just never think of my again. He sent that message, then decided, “nah, I’m done with this one,” and deleted me from his life… then just went on happily and never thinks of me again or cares about what he did.

It’s hard to reconcile that with the man I knew; kind and loving and generous and fully involved with his kids. Just a good guy all round… then this. It makes no sense. I’m fine with a break up that makes sense or has at least a sentence about it, but this was nothing at all.

Ugh. It feels awful but I’m sure it will go away in time.

OP posts:
occhiazzurri · 09/10/2023 18:32

Did you meet on OLD? Unfortunately it is pretty common, and there is no way to protect yourself against it. Sending you lots of virtual hugs!

ColdEvenings · 09/10/2023 18:33

Oh I'm sorry OP. How shit. :(

At least you've had a lucky escape early one, imagine he'd done that after a year or so.

Have a nice bath, some chocolate and lick your wounds for a day or so. His bloody loss!! Twat.

TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 18:36

Your reaction is very natural and normal. He has completely destroyed your rather lovely understanding of what you and he had. I hope that you are not wasting time judging yourself or wondering what you did or how you could have been so badly fooled. Because he's the substandard adult in this scenario.

I think you just have to move on and think, some men are spectacular tossers. He is. But not all are. Meanwhile you, on the other hand, are sane and lovely, with or without gorgeous smelling pillow hair!

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:37

Well, it was 9 months in so getting close to a year. I wish he’d done it after a few weeks.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:42

TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 18:36

Your reaction is very natural and normal. He has completely destroyed your rather lovely understanding of what you and he had. I hope that you are not wasting time judging yourself or wondering what you did or how you could have been so badly fooled. Because he's the substandard adult in this scenario.

I think you just have to move on and think, some men are spectacular tossers. He is. But not all are. Meanwhile you, on the other hand, are sane and lovely, with or without gorgeous smelling pillow hair!

Thank you. Unfortunately, there were two solid days after I woke up to it that morning where I pretty much cried and questioned everything I did around him trying to work out what was wrong with me and what made him do if. That has mostly passed, I’m not moping around anymore. But still very much questioning what I did and what was wrong with me. That’s what I can’t understand or get past so it’s why I need a kicking! And time. It will pass with time.

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 09/10/2023 18:44

That's absolutely appalling behaviour on his part. No advice to give other than to be kind to yourself you sound like a lovely person OP. Did you have any mutual friends? Maybe they could shed some light?

WeeStyleIcon · 09/10/2023 18:49

You poor thing, I was ghosted after 7 weeks and that was painful enough.

It's so invalidating at the time. Because it's like you got all disentangled with the other person's view of you. But eventually, the dust will settle and you will realise, that the only thing you know about him is that he cannot communicate and that is pretty basic.

I saw the man who ghosted me a year later, my son was in a tournament, lets say it was a CHESS tournament and when I saw him, he looked away first. I was staring at him and there was a split second delay where I had to process, who is that v familiar face. But he processed first, and looked away while I was just staring blankly at him.

For that reason, I think that it is better in the long run to be the ghostee, not the ghoster.

Take care of yourself. Feeling terrible is the LOGICAL, PREDICTABLE human reaction to being treated like a ghost.

Topjoe19 · 09/10/2023 18:51

I would be wary he'll come back at some point with some crappy story or another to reel you back in. If he does, don't give him the time of day. I had an ex like that, he'd ghost me for weeks then come back. Messed with my head. If he doesn't then I would say try not to dwell on the 'why' as you will never get an answer - there is no answer to why some men are such cunts. It's a cruel thing that's happened to you. You will be ok but it will take time.

PimpMyFridge · 09/10/2023 18:54

What he did was really cruel, and unexpectedly so, which is even worse.
If you just coolly breezed on without skipping a beat that would be so strange and inhuman.
Unfortunately people treating others as though they are disposable and have no feelings of their own, that they don't matter, is a shitty shitty thing and made possible by the consequence free situation of being able to be untraceable.

I think you may take time to get over this but that says more about you (in the positive sense). It's tempting think that if you can mean so little to him then you should be able to brush it off, but his attitude says more about him and not in a good way, don't try to emulate his level of shallow.

Be patient and allow yourself to be upset, feel the loss, feel insulted, feel ill treated and remind yourself that good people don't do that and you deserve better.

yarnwitch · 09/10/2023 19:02

What a horrible, spineless thing to do. You must feel so hurt and confused.
There will be a reason, but you must remember it isn't you. It might be someone else, going back to an ex, a secret he was hiding... who knows. But whatever it is, he has shown you who he is, and he's not the person he portrayed.

I'm sure your trust is shattered but in time you will heal and you will see things clearer. Be kind to yourself, try and keep busy and surround yourself with people who care about you.

ZebraD · 09/10/2023 19:06

How awful! There is nothing wrong with you though so please don’t think that for a moment longer. You didn’t do anything wrong.
he is just shackles and will come back at some point like another post states. But find the strength in you at that time to tell him where to go - twat!
go easy on yourself

wishingforhappy · 09/10/2023 19:07

9 months that is actually horrific behaviour I just can't understand how people sleep at night I am so sorry you are going through this he sounds evil x

Redglitter · 09/10/2023 19:09

I was ghosted after 12 YEARS!! It's a disgusting way to treat someone.

Itll get better nut it certainly hurts

IreneGoodnight · 09/10/2023 19:10

Maybe he did it under pressure from someone - his kids or a manipulative ex?

Mamma2017 · 09/10/2023 19:13

Spineless little coward.

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 19:24

We met online so no mutual friends. We did meet some of each other’s friends but as two single parents, when we had time together we didn’t want to spend it out with other people so I really don’t know his friends and I wouldn’t go messaging them even if I did. The only thing I have left is to maintain a dignified silence, even if I’m to totally torn up in private.

Will never know why he did it but I just seem stuck on a constant repeat of “why didn’t he want me” in my head.

It’s so pathetic I don’t even want to tell my friends that I’m feeling like that so I’m just trying to get over it.

Thank you for letting me have a moan and the words of support.

OP posts:
TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 19:28

Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:42

Thank you. Unfortunately, there were two solid days after I woke up to it that morning where I pretty much cried and questioned everything I did around him trying to work out what was wrong with me and what made him do if. That has mostly passed, I’m not moping around anymore. But still very much questioning what I did and what was wrong with me. That’s what I can’t understand or get past so it’s why I need a kicking! And time. It will pass with time.

Show quote history

I hope you know rationally that you did nothing wrong. For him to be texting romantic messages at night and ghosting by morning tells you every thing you need to know about where the responsibility lies for this relationship ending.

It might be tempting to think something drastic has happened - his wife has returned after a trial separation, he has terminal illness and can't face making you go through the pain, he is off to jail etc etc. Chances are he is just utterly banal and thinking, "I want to play the field and can't be bothered with the emotional hassle of explaining this to Thedm." There's a slight possibility he is a total loser - in debt, a gambler or drinker and is just exhausted trying to maintain standards that are basic and natural to you but untenably high to him. But whatever... He doesn't really deserve your headspace.

You don't even need to give any thought to how you didn't spot that he was a player and a chancer and a trickster. You didn't spot it because he didn't show it. We can't go through life suspicious of people who show no signs of being dodgy. You trusted him and trust is a positive asset in a person. He failed you. You did nothing wrong.

TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 19:31

Redglitter · 09/10/2023 19:09

I was ghosted after 12 YEARS!! It's a disgusting way to treat someone.

Itll get better nut it certainly hurts

That's appalling. Did you never hear from them again?

EveryOtherNameTaken · 09/10/2023 19:37

Just be prepared he might just 'pop up' again and expect things to resume as if his behaviour was inconsequential.

I know it's hard and frustrating but thousands of us have been through this and it's not you.

It's unforgiveable behaviour. He's a bell end.

Redglitter · 09/10/2023 19:45

TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 19:31

That's appalling. Did you never hear from them again?

Show quote history

Nope never have.

We didn't live together and things were just not quite right for a few months Then he got mentionitis about a female 'friend'

Never had the decency to split up. Just withdrew and then changed his phone number & moved in with her.

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 19:47

I really don’t think he will pop back up. Obviously I didn’t know him the way I thought I did, but whenever he had a big decision to make, he took time over deciding, and once he had, that was it. His mind was made. I imagine he will have been thinking about this for some time, whilst acting with me like all was great, and he made it that night then blocked me. He won’t be back. Which is a good thing after what he did.

I’m so sorry for everyone who has been put through this. It sucks.

OP posts:
Mamma2017 · 09/10/2023 19:57

Redglitter · 09/10/2023 19:45

Nope never have.

We didn't live together and things were just not quite right for a few months Then he got mentionitis about a female 'friend'

Never had the decency to split up. Just withdrew and then changed his phone number & moved in with her.

Show quote history

What a piece of shit. He’ll do it to the woman he’s with now and probably more after that. Spineless heartless coward. My all the bad karma they sow reap untold personal hell on them one day 😊 Karma’s a bitch!

Birthdayblu · 09/10/2023 20:03

I’m so sorry op. it happened to me after a much shorter period.

people who do this are beneath contempt. There is no excuse whatsoever so if there’s anything you take from this experience, please remember that how a person leaves the relationship should tell you everything about their character - or lack of it in this case. This was NOT ABOUT YOU. Be glad you weren’t pregnant or financially entangled with him. Y’know, things that call for a grown adult to communicate.

He will come sniffing back as these type have form. Mine did. And I couldn’t believe the pack of lies he was trying to string out. It made me feel queasy to think there are people out there who can lie, manipulate, and con so easily. In time you will be grateful that he showed up as the bad penny he is. I know you know this, but don’t contact him. No paragraphs. He isn’t worthy of it.

I hope you treat yourself nicely and remember you have every reason to feel bad

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