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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling after being ghosted and need a kick I think

123 replies

Thedm · 09/10/2023 18:20

I’m a bit of a mess, and I don’t know how to snap out of it. I was with a man for several months and 3 weeks ago he ghosted me. I’d been at his, I left, we were texting when I got him just to say I’d arrived safely. He was going to bed and sent a message saying he loved the smell of my hair on his pillows etc and goodnight. When I woke up the next morning, i sent him a reply but it never delivered and his profile pic on WhatsApp was blank. I tried calling but it didn’t go through. I called his phone not using WhatsApp and it didn’t go through. He’s gone from all my social media, Snapchat, blocked on everything.

I haven’t tried him from different numbers, I haven’t driven over the knock on his door. If he was going to do that then I won’t make a fool of myself chasing him but I just can’t get past if. When I say he is all I’ve though of for 3 weeks, it’s not a lie. It’s constantly in my head, because I don’t understand why he did that.

I just need a kick up the ass to get over this or works of wisdom that it gets better, if anyone has been through it.

OP posts:
Applejel · 09/10/2023 20:09

Is there any chance he wasn't actually a 'single' dad and he's been caught out or blocked you to cover his tracks?

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 20:13

Applejel · 09/10/2023 20:09

Is there any chance he wasn't actually a 'single' dad and he's been caught out or blocked you to cover his tracks?

Oh no, definitely split. Divorce was in full swing. It was complicated because they were living in another country, where is is from, and when they split, she wanted to move back to Britain. He said yes, she moved with the kids to live with her parents (has since moved to her own place) and then he moved over once he sorted it with his job and rented a place. They are 100% over and the divorce was almost all settled.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 20:15

Kids were split 50/50, I’d chatted to the ex a couple times if she was late picking them up so I was there before the kids had gone. Didn’t spend a lot of time with the kids as we took that slowly, but I met them and her.

OP posts:
Tryingtokeepcalmandcarryon · 09/10/2023 20:36

I can’t imagine going through this, how horrific for you OP and it sounds like you are coping so well. I really think you are incredible to have the willpower and restraint not to turn up at his house and go nuclear at him. It’s unbelievable how people can treat others like this that trusted them and shared their lives, this is about as cruel as you can get.

The only saving grace here is as others have said, at least you now know the true colours of a man that you trusted and you are free from him before it got anymore serious.

JamSandle · 09/10/2023 20:39

My first thought was maybe he is secretly in a relationship or married and got spooked.

Spacecowboys · 09/10/2023 20:43

Him and his ex have probably reconciled. You’ve dodged a bullet by the sound of it.

spookehtooth · 09/10/2023 20:45

I picked up you "wondering what you did". Nothing, you didn't deserve that. Please don't give him another chance if he decides to make contact again.

There's no quick fix for that for the feelings it leaves you with. Just keep reminding yourself that he's an idiot and it's a lucky escape when it's getting to you

DeeCee77 · 09/10/2023 20:49

TotalOverhaul · 09/10/2023 18:36

Your reaction is very natural and normal. He has completely destroyed your rather lovely understanding of what you and he had. I hope that you are not wasting time judging yourself or wondering what you did or how you could have been so badly fooled. Because he's the substandard adult in this scenario.

I think you just have to move on and think, some men are spectacular tossers. He is. But not all are. Meanwhile you, on the other hand, are sane and lovely, with or without gorgeous smelling pillow hair!

"I hope that you are not wasting time judging yourself or wondering what you did or how you could have been so badly fooled. Because he's the substandard adult in this scenario."

100% this. It's completely on him being a complete weirdo. No normal person does this.

And regarding what you said OP, "It’s hard to reconcile that with the man I knew; kind and loving and generous and fully involved with his kids. Just a good guy all round… then this."

You didn't know him though (I see you've since mentioned this). You only thought you did. You are hurt over who you thought he was not who he is. That's ok though. We can only judge what we see not what's hidden. He's now shown you what he is so once that hits home you will be thankful you are away from it.

Zanatdy · 09/10/2023 20:54

Disgusting behaviour, why on Earth couldn’t just be an adult and say it was over. That’s so horrible, I feel for you

Loubelle70 · 09/10/2023 21:00

Topjoe19 · 09/10/2023 18:51

I would be wary he'll come back at some point with some crappy story or another to reel you back in. If he does, don't give him the time of day. I had an ex like that, he'd ghost me for weeks then come back. Messed with my head. If he doesn't then I would say try not to dwell on the 'why' as you will never get an answer - there is no answer to why some men are such cunts. It's a cruel thing that's happened to you. You will be ok but it will take time.

This.
He will come back but you dont want that deep down. I had ghosting..for a while..he didnt block me...had dates with this guy... absolutely fine...he said he was going away to his place in portugal and something else... didn't hear from him for those weeks he was away..on beginning 2nd week i blocked him. No time for it.

LadyChilli · 09/10/2023 21:00

I've been through this though we were only a few months in. It's utterly horrible and of course you question what you did or didn't do. You have nothing else to go on so you try to make sense of it, that's normal. I'm assuming you didn't do anything horrific or you'd know, so it's very definitely him not you. You do get over it and reach a point when you don't care. That's usually when their spidey senses kick in and they pop up again. You can take pleasure in blocking him back if he does.

waterrat · 09/10/2023 21:26

Op this is seriously next level horrible for you to go through.

I think some of the answers here are a bit glib. 9 months of commitment then deliberately vanishing is dark stuff from someone you thought you knew

Thats a trauma and shakes your foundations

I think you need to tell your friends how down your feeling. Or seek out some sort of support. Its natural to feel blindsided

Yettisrus2 · 09/10/2023 21:27

I was ghosted after over a year, we were arranging dinner then nothing my messages just went unanswered. He actually reads them, or read them should I say, straight away. It's so bizarre.

No advice other than it gets easier and don't do what I did and tell him you miss him.

BackAgainstWall · 09/10/2023 21:28

I think that’s really sinister.

When you come out the other side of this, you’ll wonder what you ever saw in him in the first place.

Pyaar · 09/10/2023 21:43

Completely agree with @waterrat this is terrible thing to go through and you should absolutely seek out some support. Maybe give your friends a chance to be there. 9 months is a very fucking long time and i hope they understand that you need time to get back on your feet after this.

If nothing else keep posting, do what you need to do.

I was in bits after a 4 week ghosting!! It's bloody horrific how some people behave.

828Pax · 09/10/2023 22:10

I had this with someone and was ghosted after 6 months. It completely threw me, I spent weeks letting it upset me and didn't stop wondering what on Earth I'd done wrong, until eventually I heard that he had gone on to do the same thing to another lady and I realised that it wasn't anything that I had done wrong at all...he was just a complete bellend

WeeStyleIcon · 09/10/2023 22:29

It's true, you did nothing. Or perhaps, what you did was fail to reflect back his rosy view of himself.

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 22:37

I hate hearing other people saying this has happened; it shouldn’t happen to people. There’s no need for it. Even just a goodbye text before blocking would at least take the edge off.

I keep running through things for the last few weeks, and I just can’t find a problem. I was having a really hard day at work last week, and a delivery of flowers and wine turned up. He was working late so couldn’t come round, so sent flowers and wine to let me know he was thinking of me during a hard day. I had a collage canvas made up of photos of him with his kids, the ones he’d sent me to show a nice day out they were having a few weeks ago and it’s hanging on his wall, first thing you see when you go into the hallway. We did stuff like that for each other all the time, because we live an hour apart and it was nice to just make each other smile when we couldn’t be together as much as we wanted.

And then a romantic goodnight text and I wake up blocked and ghosted.

It has messed with my head more than I want to admit, and keeps going round and round. I’ve stopped crying about it so it’s getting better, but I still can’t go tell my friends how upset I am because their responses have been, “fuck him, he isn’t worth it.” I’m too embarrassed to say that at the moment, I’m still feeling like he is worth being sad over.

OP posts:
Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 22:38

Yettisrus2 · 09/10/2023 21:27

I was ghosted after over a year, we were arranging dinner then nothing my messages just went unanswered. He actually reads them, or read them should I say, straight away. It's so bizarre.

No advice other than it gets easier and don't do what I did and tell him you miss him.

Edited

It hasn’t been easy to keep myself from going round to his to have it out. If I wasn’t blocked then I would have told him I missed him. No one can blame you for that!

OP posts:
PimpMyFridge · 09/10/2023 22:53

The him you thought you had was worth being sad over!
This new behaviour is fresh information that reveals there is another side to him, but you can't snap from one understanding of who he is to another very different one in the blink of an eye!
You've had months of experiencing him as kind and thoughtful etc... Only a brief time of anything else, you'll need to process through that revelation until you can reconcile the two and realise that it is all part of him, one face that can make you feel great and seem solid, and another that can treat you as though you were nothing - same guy! That's more than a minute to take that in!

Original poster
Thedm · 09/10/2023 22:55

omg, not last week! The last week we were seeing each other. It’s late and typos are starting. Time to sleep!

OP posts:
Iamuhtredsonofuhtred · 09/10/2023 23:05

I’m so sorry- the same thing happened to me at the beginning of the summer, he didn’t block me but just stopped replying to my messages; the last time I’d seen him we were planning a trip away together! After I sent him a second message that he ignored I deleted his number and his texts/photos, I’ll be damned if I’ll chase him but I was heartbroken and still am. It’s been 3 months now and things are getting a bit easier but I still think about him every day. I try and think that everyone comes into your life to teach you something. I have definitely learned a lot about myself, not all good things. The kind of men I’m attracted to…I have work to do on myself. That helps more than thinking ‘oh, he’s a twat’ because he might be but I also want him so badly, so I try and think about the positives that can come from a shitty situation. Ultimately I’d like to get to the point where I’d tell him to fuck off if he got back in touch, I’m not there yet but I know the day will come. It will for you too.
I think when someone just ends things abruptly when it was good (at least for you) it’s so difficult to move on from.

spookehtooth · 09/10/2023 23:06

It's okay to feel sad, and miss what you thought you had. It felt good, and its gone so why wouldn't you? It wouldn't hurt if it didn't mean something.

It's just important, I think, to protect yourself and not let him cause anymore hurt if he shows his face again. Like the PP said, it'll take time to let what he's done to sink in and affect your feelings about him. Absence is probably harder to process than physically saying and doing things, because those things are less ambiguous in their meaning, but this is just as bad because of the confusion it causes as well as the hurt

Opentooffers · 09/10/2023 23:08

It's sad how people jump to "what did I do wrong"? There must actually be something fundementally wrong with a person who does this. It's awful behavior, shows cowardice and just shows that they are the type of person who is not good enough to ever darken your door. You will be better off without someone who behaves that way, and if it's because he has reconciled, more fool her, she's won a booby prise.
At the end of the day, separated is still not divorced and if they were happy before moving, they could have gone back to that now they are back in the UK.
Things like this is why I will never touch a separated man.

Coffeepot72 · 09/10/2023 23:19

What a horrible man, why are people so cruel?