Feel like I'm wasting my life and just existing - or is this just normal life?

[Pinkcrystalelephant]

Feeling so confused.

Have been with DH for over 20 years, I'm now in late forties with two children.

Had the usual ups and downs of married life, probably more downs than ups if I'm honest. DH has suffered with a lot of mental health problems, job redundancies, and both dc have SEN.

This past year has been particularly challenging and I've been considering separation but feel so confused.

DH is at heart a nice guy. He is not critical or mean, but he can be self absorbed and doesn't put much effort into our relationship. He loves the children and us being a family. He doesn't do much domestically or in the garden. He wants to live a very small, safe life - not spending much money, not going out anywhere, being at home all the time.

I have recently been feeling that I crave a bit of excitement and adventure but I also like stability and security. I feel so unsettled as one part of me feels stifled by this life I am living, but another part feels that if I gave it all up I would regret it. I love going on holidays, having plans for the house and garden, going to interesting places at the weekend etc - my DH doesn't like all of that, and actively refuses a lot of it due to his anxiety, so I'm left feeling frustrated and trapped as I can't really do much. I mean I do go out with friends but I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption. Holidays are usually a nightmare as he gets anxious and stressed being out of his comfort zone.

The other thing is that he is at home all the time - 24/7. He only goes out very occasionally for a walk or to do the shopping once a week. He works from home part time and is looking to retire early soon. His plans for retirement are just more of the same - being at home and relaxing. I work partly from home and partly from the office but I'm so desperate for some time to myself at home.

We haven't had sex for years, the last few years he just hasn't been bothered, he said it's his age (he's 50). I used to try to be emotionally close with him, but it's always me making the first move to talk or be close, so I've stopped making the effort. Sometimes he sees me upset and looks concerned but it's like he doesn't know what to say. I just feel like I want a bit of passion and intimacy, physically and emotionally.

I must admit, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone else who had a bit more zest for life, where I would feel emotionally connected - it would be great! But no one is perfect, I'm sure any other relationship I could have would also have its pros and cons.

We've been to counselling and nothing's changed.

I just can't imagine my life like this for the rest of my life - plodding around at home with each other. He's very sweet and pleasant (when he's not struggling with his mental health), and I do love him, but I feel really unfulfilled. I don't know if this is maybe perimenopause or something, maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be quite happy to potter around with him, not doing much. Or will I regret wasting my life?!

They are 14 and 16

You do want different things but that’s not quite the same as saying you ought to leave your marriage.

Having the house the ok yourself sometimes is essential for your mental health (or it certainly is for mine). Could you insist your DH, as part of pulling his weight around the house more, takes the kids out each weekend to do something! The food shop? I appreciate it would pull him out of his comfort zone. When I went FT and DH inherited the food shop he insisted for the first few weeks he wouldn’t be able to do it, as a vegetarian he couldn’t be expected to be able to pick out meat for example. He soon got over himself.

If you want to challenge yourself, to travel, is there a friend you could do it with? Or could you travel solo?

"I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption."

How come he makes all the decisions? Why do you let him?

Sounds like you are friends and are ready for new things now. You are both so young really surely there will be better partners for both of you.

He’s only 50 but not interested in sex, activities outside the house and is planning to retire? Sounds like he’s already living the life of an 80 year old. You can’t waste the next decades of your life in this situation.

DH can only really achieve his ideal "small, safe life" alone where he can control everything that happens at home and/or during his annual leave, or in a relationship where your needs are completely disregarded. I don't think you'd regret leaving him tbh, assuming you can manage it financially of course. It's no life for you at the moment.

He works part time, wants to retire soon, and doesn’t want sex. And then you say he’s 50?! Jeezo. You could be stuck with him in this life for an awfully long time if you don’t makes some changes op. He won’t, but you can. You don’t need to LTB if that’s a step too far, but doing things in the house or garden, or holidaying with friends could be done - if he doesn’t want to join in, fine.

He won't change so your choices are whether to live your life without him or around him.
You need to carefully weigh the pros and cons of each, imagining not only the best case scenario (new partner with zest for life) but also, sadly, the more likely scenario of navigating the dating pool and meeting a lot of duds. The best approach in fact, is to compare single life with your current situation. What would you be doing if you were single? How much of that requires you to be single and couldn't be done while retaining the security and other benefits of your relationship?

Your dh sounds like me 🙈 I’m 42 and have autism and I just like a quiet life, being at home, plodding about (I haven’t worked for ten years and won’t again, I had some inheritance which paid off our mortgage and gives me enough to live on and I also get PIP at the highest rates long term for some physical disabilities I have). I do, however enjoy a holiday from time to time even though it stresses me out. I don’t think there’s anything “wrong” with either of you, you just sound like very different people. I’m not sure what the answer is, it sounds like unless you can somehow carve out a life for yourself outside of the marriage that gives you what you need you’re never going to be happy - and would that even be enough? It sounds like you’ve reached the end of the road.

You want different things
He sounds 90, not 50 & boring

Yes, you need to make a life for yourself
Start some new hobbies outside the home
Book some weekends away (minus DH)
Spend more time with friends
Book holidays

You don't want to be 90 & say I wish I had done X YZ

I used to assert my needs and ideas re spending money eg on the house, but it caused a lot of arguments as he got so anxious and stressed. Even choosing paint colours - I would get a colour chart, and ask him which colours he liked, so that we could find ones we both liked. He wouldn't say, or he'd keep changing his mind. Eventually I would make the decision myself, then get blamed as he didn't like the colour, but hadn't wanted to make a decision. It's exhausting! At the moment we need a new car, but again, if I try to put my ideas forward, he just can't cope and it ends up in arguments. So he will decide, and it will end up being the smallest, cheapest car he can find.

I know all that sounds awful and it is in some ways, but I guess I see that it's coming from his anxiety, I am sure that he's not trying to control me in a manipulative way.

the paint colours thing - is it like the poster above said and his behaviour is linked to autism? And as he’s got older that has become more evident? Might help you understand that this probably won’t improve really. But if he also understands this then he might be able to let you take these decisions for you all?

Yes, I too feel I desperately need alone time in the house. The thing is, my DH will sometimes go out if I say I need alone time, but it's like he's only going out because I've asked him, so he'll go and sit in a coffee shop and wait there until he feels he can come back 🤦‍♀️ So then I feel bad thinking that he's being forced to go out of the house because of me.

Yes that's a good idea to maybe see if I could do some travelling or something with a friend

Is he autistic? Otherwise it seems really unfair of him to be so controlling. I think you might be better off if you leave him