Feel like I'm wasting my life and just existing - or is this just normal life?

[Pinkcrystalelephant]

Feeling so confused.

Have been with DH for over 20 years, I'm now in late forties with two children.

Had the usual ups and downs of married life, probably more downs than ups if I'm honest. DH has suffered with a lot of mental health problems, job redundancies, and both dc have SEN.

This past year has been particularly challenging and I've been considering separation but feel so confused.

DH is at heart a nice guy. He is not critical or mean, but he can be self absorbed and doesn't put much effort into our relationship. He loves the children and us being a family. He doesn't do much domestically or in the garden. He wants to live a very small, safe life - not spending much money, not going out anywhere, being at home all the time.

I have recently been feeling that I crave a bit of excitement and adventure but I also like stability and security. I feel so unsettled as one part of me feels stifled by this life I am living, but another part feels that if I gave it all up I would regret it. I love going on holidays, having plans for the house and garden, going to interesting places at the weekend etc - my DH doesn't like all of that, and actively refuses a lot of it due to his anxiety, so I'm left feeling frustrated and trapped as I can't really do much. I mean I do go out with friends but I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption. Holidays are usually a nightmare as he gets anxious and stressed being out of his comfort zone.

The other thing is that he is at home all the time - 24/7. He only goes out very occasionally for a walk or to do the shopping once a week. He works from home part time and is looking to retire early soon. His plans for retirement are just more of the same - being at home and relaxing. I work partly from home and partly from the office but I'm so desperate for some time to myself at home.

We haven't had sex for years, the last few years he just hasn't been bothered, he said it's his age (he's 50). I used to try to be emotionally close with him, but it's always me making the first move to talk or be close, so I've stopped making the effort. Sometimes he sees me upset and looks concerned but it's like he doesn't know what to say. I just feel like I want a bit of passion and intimacy, physically and emotionally.

I must admit, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone else who had a bit more zest for life, where I would feel emotionally connected - it would be great! But no one is perfect, I'm sure any other relationship I could have would also have its pros and cons.

We've been to counselling and nothing's changed.

I just can't imagine my life like this for the rest of my life - plodding around at home with each other. He's very sweet and pleasant (when he's not struggling with his mental health), and I do love him, but I feel really unfulfilled. I don't know if this is maybe perimenopause or something, maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be quite happy to potter around with him, not doing much. Or will I regret wasting my life?!

There’s no point staying, is there? Financially you’re going to live a restricted life anyway - subsidising your husband to retire, downsizing your house, having the tiny cheap car and never doing anything you want, and being lonely too.

Your children are teens- they’ll go and live their lives away from you soon. Why stay together ‘for the family’?

People usually stay because their standard of living would be better together, or their children are young. Why are you staying?

He sounds draining. Leaching all the fun and colour from life. I would forget about the prospect of can you find a fulfilling relationship elsewhere and concentrate on: would life be happier and more fulfilling without him? You say it would be financially tight but doable: things aren’t going to be any better financially with him if he’s intent on retiring so early.

Write down what your ideal life would look like: evenings, weekends, work, hobbies, how it would all be day to day. Does he fit into it at all? What is he actually bringing to the party?

I can't help but feeling that if it was a woman who wanted to retire early who suffered with anxiety and the man was saying he was feeling bored, people wouldn't be telling him to leave her. They'd be calling him a selfish ***

@partypant yes, but my main problem is not feeling bored - it's that I don't feel I have much autonomy in my life, any say in financial or practical decisions, I have to tiptoe round my DH's anxiety, and there is no emotional or physical intimacy!

I am going to start looking into separating. I feel very sad about it, as I wanted to stay together and be a family unit, but this thread has clarified things for me. Thanks to everyone who has posted. I'm not sure what the timescale will be, and I have a lot of things to look into and sort out, but I know I can't stay living like this for the rest of my life!

Happy single separated woman here, with similar aged children. Only word of caution is every household bill as a single woman is all yours, all holiday expenses are all yours, there is no back up. Vehicle expenses, yours. Etc.

All organising of all life admin will be all yours.

I m happier single than in a relationship but it's relentless independence.

He's not meeting your needs.

You sound incompatible.

It's ok to get divorced and to make a new life for yourself.

Have you actually told him exactly what you’ve said here?

If not then you really do owe it to him to tell him you are seriously unhappy and thinking about leaving, and give him one last chance.

If you have spoken to him about unhappy you and he still won’t let you have any autonomy in your life, then I would leave. You can’t exhaust like this for another 30/40/50 years.

I have literally signed up to MN just to reply to this thread and scream at you to leave! I was in a similar relationship to you. I suspect my ex is autistic, our eldest DS is and they are very similar. My ex was very self centered and wanted everything his own way etc.

We have now been separated a few months. I have never been happier. I am finally in control of my own life. Even just being able to do simple little things like buying the kettle and bathmat I want. My house is relaxing and peaceful now. I am currently sitting watching a box set without needing to worry about what he wanted to do or watch! My kids are happier. My home is nice and relaxing for them now and there is no atmosphere between their dad and I like there used to be. Ex is also much happier because he can just do his own thing. He did not cope very well with having to be selfless.

Haven't rtft but I'm so looking forward to hearing from OP in a year or so when she's engaged in the myriad joys of life with a partner who's engaged and up for it! You sound lovely op but honestly time to think of your future happiness 🤞

Find it weird you can't do,buy anything garden house whatever that's a weird marriage. Hubby and I do everything together and I can never imagine not being able to buy anything if the money is there without permission. We go away often together couple nights here and there which we love and we do things with the kids X4 all the time together also. And when he is home from work he helps around the house and I don't need to ask him. I would rather be on my own than in your situation

@Hellinthekitchen Thank you so much! That's really inspiring. I can totally relate to the thought of just being able to buy which kettle you want, or watching what you want on TV without there being someone who is in a mood or stressed about it. How lovely to have a nice peaceful home, and that has worked out really well that your ex is now happier too.

Is your DH attempting to do this ?

https://www.investopedia.com/terms/f/financial-independence-retire-early-fire.asp

@Broccoliforever And if she also admitted to never wanting to do anything with her husband and two young / mid teens? If she said she didn’t want to ever do any of the husbands plans for the house and garden? If she admitted she’d made many family holidays “awful”?
But HE hasn't admitted to any of this. His perception may well be quite different to the OPs. He may feel he does do things and he probably doesn't think he ruined the holiday. That's the OPs description of events. He sounds quite content

Whether it's coming from his anxiety or not, he sounds a selfish git who has little regard for your wants or needs. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life?!!

I am now heavily on the side of DOING THINGS YOUR WAY and let those chips fall. You have spent 20 years pussyfooting round his goddamn anxiety - or, should I say, being hyper-considerate to your own detriment.

I rarely give prescriptive advice, but it seems you've lost the ability to think for yourself so I'm going to. Here it is:

Inform DH that your life has, for the past two decades, been shaped restricted and curtailed by his needs. That this is changing from today: you have sacrificed much of your self to him; now it's your turn to design the family life.

Make the generous offer of one of those prefab shed/office structures for the garden, where he can escape the turmoil of a normal life as he needs and wants. You've decided the family can afford it. If he doesn't want it, he doesn't get one - and he also doesn't get to veto your other changes. It's the time for normality in your home.

Ignore his strops & sulks. Just tune 'em out.

Get on with it! Redecorate, take the kids away for weekends, book a holiday with or without DC, join some things, play loud music, create smelly meals, do yoga in front of the TV ... just get on with it.

He might leave you. That would answer your questions, but what the hell. The important thing is to press PLAY on your life NOW. It's been on pause for much too long.

And ... go!
Have fun.

A comment from a PP really resonated reading your thread - you are living his life and all his plans for his future require you to fall in line irrespective of any wants/desires/wishes you may have.

OP start living the life you want, either by telling him and doing what you want and ignoring his arguments, agitation or by yourself on your own with your kids.

I suspect if you choose the first option you will quickly realise it would be such easier and you would be so much happier without him.

Thanks all. To the PPs who have said that I should just get on with it - redecorate, go on holiday, have the house and garden how I want, invite people over etc - I used to do all that when we first moved in together (when I was in my twenties). But gradually the arguments, his moods and anxieties wore me down, so I stopped doing all of that. So now he seems quite content as we are all living a small, safe life that he is essentially dictating.

I am very sure that if I tried to do all those things again (eg living the life I want), his moods and anxiety would get awful again, and the thing is he is now at home even more than he used to be, so the kids and I would have to bear the brunt of it. That's why I've stopped trying to do what I want. If I'd known in my twenties that I would be being like this, I wouldn't have believed it - I seem to have lost a lot of my confidence. I just can't bear living under the black cloud of his anxiety and stress, and I am trying to keep the atmosphere at home nice for the children, so I choose the option of fitting in with how he wants to live life, and then he seems quite pleasant.

I don't know if I just got on with things, if I would find it easy to ignore his agitation and anxiety - it seems to take over the house somehow. As some PPs suspect as well, I am also pretty sure he is neurodiverse and his emotions and views are very rigid and strong. But I guess I might as well try to make some changes, I've got nothing to lose as I'm feeling depressed about everything anyway. And I have also just booked an appointment with a solicitor for a few weeks time, at least that will show me what my options are if we did split.

Sounds understandable to separate, you have grown apart - or maybe have never had much in common - and want different things.

Would you miss him?

@Graciebobcat Yes, I think I would miss him - we have been together for so long and he can be kind and nice. The problem is that he is like that when we are living the life he wants, which unfortunately isn't the life I want! So that's the conflict - I feel like I do love him, but it seems that he can't be the nice, kind version of himself when I am doing what I want to do, and living life how I want as it causes him too much anxiety.

I bet, OP, I bet....

That he did a reasonably challenging job before, that he now does part time.

I bet he wouldn't do more hours of something less challenging (i.e. less status) would he?