Feel like I'm wasting my life and just existing - or is this just normal life?

[Pinkcrystalelephant]

Feeling so confused.

Have been with DH for over 20 years, I'm now in late forties with two children.

Had the usual ups and downs of married life, probably more downs than ups if I'm honest. DH has suffered with a lot of mental health problems, job redundancies, and both dc have SEN.

This past year has been particularly challenging and I've been considering separation but feel so confused.

DH is at heart a nice guy. He is not critical or mean, but he can be self absorbed and doesn't put much effort into our relationship. He loves the children and us being a family. He doesn't do much domestically or in the garden. He wants to live a very small, safe life - not spending much money, not going out anywhere, being at home all the time.

I have recently been feeling that I crave a bit of excitement and adventure but I also like stability and security. I feel so unsettled as one part of me feels stifled by this life I am living, but another part feels that if I gave it all up I would regret it. I love going on holidays, having plans for the house and garden, going to interesting places at the weekend etc - my DH doesn't like all of that, and actively refuses a lot of it due to his anxiety, so I'm left feeling frustrated and trapped as I can't really do much. I mean I do go out with friends but I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption. Holidays are usually a nightmare as he gets anxious and stressed being out of his comfort zone.

The other thing is that he is at home all the time - 24/7. He only goes out very occasionally for a walk or to do the shopping once a week. He works from home part time and is looking to retire early soon. His plans for retirement are just more of the same - being at home and relaxing. I work partly from home and partly from the office but I'm so desperate for some time to myself at home.

We haven't had sex for years, the last few years he just hasn't been bothered, he said it's his age (he's 50). I used to try to be emotionally close with him, but it's always me making the first move to talk or be close, so I've stopped making the effort. Sometimes he sees me upset and looks concerned but it's like he doesn't know what to say. I just feel like I want a bit of passion and intimacy, physically and emotionally.

I must admit, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone else who had a bit more zest for life, where I would feel emotionally connected - it would be great! But no one is perfect, I'm sure any other relationship I could have would also have its pros and cons.

We've been to counselling and nothing's changed.

I just can't imagine my life like this for the rest of my life - plodding around at home with each other. He's very sweet and pleasant (when he's not struggling with his mental health), and I do love him, but I feel really unfulfilled. I don't know if this is maybe perimenopause or something, maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be quite happy to potter around with him, not doing much. Or will I regret wasting my life?!

My ex husband was kind and nice when I was living how he wanted. Not so kind and nice when I tried to live my life the way I wanted. After 10 years I was a shell of my former self.

Thankfully I only wasted ten years of my life on him, and that is too much when we only have around 85 in total.

@Pinkcrystalelephant

And I have also just booked an appointment with a solicitor for a few weeks time, at least that will show me what my options are if we did split.

Glad to hear that you are seeing a solicitor soon OP, as it sounds as though your marriage has run it's course and you need to now look at how, financially, emotionally and otherwise you'd manage living completely separately to your husband. You will, I think, be happier after the upheaval and getting used to living in a different space to him. He will find it more difficult and he will need to find ways to cope.

At this stage I'd keep your enquiries and plans very discreet and not talk to your husband until your plans are clearer and you have a vision of what your life without him will be. And also because he may become extremely upset and hide funds/clear joint accounts etc especially as he's so very set in his ways about holding onto money. Do you have a clear idea of his finances (incl savings and pensions) as well as your own? Also do check if you might be eligible for any top up benefits www.entitledto.co.uk

If he's planning on retiring soon I think you need to move pretty quickly, as he may need to defer leaving his current job/retiring to ensure he can manage financially both for himself and your shared children.

Good luck to you OP. 🌹

"I don't know if I just got on with things, if I would find it easy to ignore his agitation and anxiety - it seems to take over the house somehow."

I don't think you should ignore his behaviour, instead tell him you're not putting up with it as it's making YOU agitated and anxious. Ask him why he thinks his emotional state should always take priority over yours?

You're already squeezing yourself into a smaller and smaller box to ensure his happiness. What happens when he changes the goalposts again and becomes even more unhappy unless you downsize to fund his unearned retirement, take on overtime to fund it, eat less, live less, enjoy less, talk less.

I had a boyfriend like this. Each time I shrank myself to ensure he didn’t get moody, he set new parameters. Look up the broken stair analogy.

Op - I have a child with PDA so I understand that you can't just 'do it how you like' and ignore his reactions.

the point is he will then be incredibly unhappy and stressed etc

All I can say reading this is please dear god OP run for your life. Let him have his safe life and enjoy the remaining time you have on this earth

Imagine living without any of this stress and pressure - and actually being able to enjoy life

You only get one shot on this planet - as they saying goes 'don't die with your music still in you'