Feel like I'm wasting my life and just existing - or is this just normal life?

[Pinkcrystalelephant]

Feeling so confused.

Have been with DH for over 20 years, I'm now in late forties with two children.

Had the usual ups and downs of married life, probably more downs than ups if I'm honest. DH has suffered with a lot of mental health problems, job redundancies, and both dc have SEN.

This past year has been particularly challenging and I've been considering separation but feel so confused.

DH is at heart a nice guy. He is not critical or mean, but he can be self absorbed and doesn't put much effort into our relationship. He loves the children and us being a family. He doesn't do much domestically or in the garden. He wants to live a very small, safe life - not spending much money, not going out anywhere, being at home all the time.

I have recently been feeling that I crave a bit of excitement and adventure but I also like stability and security. I feel so unsettled as one part of me feels stifled by this life I am living, but another part feels that if I gave it all up I would regret it. I love going on holidays, having plans for the house and garden, going to interesting places at the weekend etc - my DH doesn't like all of that, and actively refuses a lot of it due to his anxiety, so I'm left feeling frustrated and trapped as I can't really do much. I mean I do go out with friends but I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption. Holidays are usually a nightmare as he gets anxious and stressed being out of his comfort zone.

The other thing is that he is at home all the time - 24/7. He only goes out very occasionally for a walk or to do the shopping once a week. He works from home part time and is looking to retire early soon. His plans for retirement are just more of the same - being at home and relaxing. I work partly from home and partly from the office but I'm so desperate for some time to myself at home.

We haven't had sex for years, the last few years he just hasn't been bothered, he said it's his age (he's 50). I used to try to be emotionally close with him, but it's always me making the first move to talk or be close, so I've stopped making the effort. Sometimes he sees me upset and looks concerned but it's like he doesn't know what to say. I just feel like I want a bit of passion and intimacy, physically and emotionally.

I must admit, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone else who had a bit more zest for life, where I would feel emotionally connected - it would be great! But no one is perfect, I'm sure any other relationship I could have would also have its pros and cons.

We've been to counselling and nothing's changed.

I just can't imagine my life like this for the rest of my life - plodding around at home with each other. He's very sweet and pleasant (when he's not struggling with his mental health), and I do love him, but I feel really unfulfilled. I don't know if this is maybe perimenopause or something, maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be quite happy to potter around with him, not doing much. Or will I regret wasting my life?!

He sounds more like 90. What a boring, narrow life. I couldn’t stand it & would have to leave.

If you want to feel alive again & have adventures you need to move on from him. There’s a more fulfilling life out there for you!

He’s saving all this money so he can retire early. It is manipulative, actually. It’s to fulfil his desires. He’s not interested in fulfilling your desires.

Even if he is neurodiverse, it is not OK to be controlling in the way he is.

This is exactly it, the pros and cons of living with him or without him. It would be lovely to have a connected, fulfilling relationship, fun and excitement, whilst also having stability but maybe finding all of that is not very realistic!

I think if I'm honest what I am most struggling with is what I feel to be a lack of autonomy in my life (as I mentioned above, not being able to make financial decisions or about some practicalities in our life) and not feeling connected in the relationship. So I need to work out if these things can change whilst I am still in the relationship or not.

That's very interesting, yes that sounds very similar to my DH. A few people, including therapists have suggested that he might be neurodiverse - I am sure he is. He also is very sensitive to noise, bright lights and overstimulation.

It's really hard, as I've sensed the whole time that he is struggling and doesn't mean to be controlling, but he can't help it. But yes I need to work out if I can ever be happy within this marriage where so much is controlled by him.

Yes I do - four days a week, partly from home and partly from the office

Start doing things you want to do. Go out for the day. Take your dc. Go by yourself. Go with friends. Just go.
Go on holidays without him.
Tell him what car you're buying and you don't want the cheapest crappiest car.
Start taking control of your life. Let him argue, just tell him you're not arguing and you have the right to make decisions you want to as well.

If you can't live like this then you need to leave. Don't let more of your life pass you by.

Honestly OP, your marriage is dead as a dodo, and no one wants to live like that.

That doesn’t mean you need to run out of the door tomorrow but it does mean that you need to make a plan of when you will separate. Then by all means make travel plans with friends, but stuff like that is sticking plaster not solution.

Pull all your joint financials and go and see a solicitor to see how the money will break down. Plan from there when is a good time to separate. Fairly soon might be good, as your kids are starting their GCSEs and A level courses. Or, if that all feels too much, set a separation date for 2 years, and sort out property and money for then. Do not leave it any longer than 2 years, your mental health won’t stand it.

Once you’ve made a decision tell him the plan, In the meantime focus on doing stuff you want to and the kids.

I found this book very helpful, it's about identifying specific questions rather than trying to balance pros and cons. A different approach to deciding what to do, and one I found gave me some clarity.

Good luck op.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=0b8cd238-fefb-459e-a4c0-8d9785afd1a7

He used to work full time but has had to go part time due to his mental health. I know it seems odd that he is planning to retire soon at this stage of our lives. We really can't afford it, we won't pay our mortgage off and will have to downsize earlier than we'd want, he's only got a smallish pension. The children are going to need support if they go to university and for other things.

So it's all quite stressful, but he's just said that he can't cope much longer with work and is happy to live a frugal, simple life, without holidays or any luxuries, so what can I say? I can't force him to work, and equally I see how anxious and stressed he gets when he does work, so I don't think there's any other option 😕

I'm coming at this from a slightly different angle, you say your kids both have SEN, are they autistic? What you describe sounds a bit like my life, although my DH does like going on holidays and does do stuff in the house/garden. However. Because both our kids have SEN going on holiday or days out is extremely stressful, and both of us often question whether it's worth it.

I'm just wondering whether part of the problems you describe are due to your kids having SEN and your DH struggling to cope? Have you got into the habit of not going places because it's just easier?

If it is partly to do with your kids then you may be able to change things as they get older.

I may be completely projecting my own situation of course and it may be nothing to do with the kids!

This!
I haven’t read all the thread but for goodness sake, start carving out a life for yourself (& kids) and leave him to it!
Woman up. It’s not a rehearsal.
Start today.
Book a half term break with the kids.

I just read your update, does he do any regular exercise or anything else proactive to manage his mental health?

Thank you, that book looks like something I could use!

Did you decide to stay or leave your relationship?

It's so hard, as it's not like he's done anything terrible, he's just being who he is - it's just sad that our needs seem to be incompatible. We still love each other, and obviously the children and keeping the family together is a factor in it all too. Financially it would be difficult if we split, but doable. Just feel really conflicted about it all!

I am similar age with 2 children one of whom is asd. My DH also hates spending money but is kind and autism is often passed down the male line so it could well be your DH is asd as well.

We do go on holiday and have lovely holidays but they are adjusted so they follow a wildlife theme for DS special interest and DH will sometimes have a room he can be alone in. This works for us but DH would do things like shopping and cooking and driving if needed. Another alternative is go away without him. We also do resorts so if he doesn't want to go out we can easily. We love our holidays so works for us and DH also loves wildlife.

My DH will spend half for work around the house as he says it will add to property value so it's not normal spending. It normally adds more than cost of work. Would putting it like that help. We have lots of projects going on.

I think finding a new relationship around 50 is very difficult from what I read on here and also if you have flirty men around they are often men who cheat. So be realistic about that and consider if you would prefer to bring up kids alone rather than imagine a perfect relationship as an alternative.

I would put your foot down about money and going out. Mine is better when I do that.

I left but I was in denial about my marriage for ages. That book was one of the things that helped the scales fall from my eyes - I'd been doing pros/cons, the book made me realise a couple of the "cons" were actually huge issues that I couldn't get over.

Similar to you, my ex was a "nice guy", good dad, we had a good life. But I was totally suffocated by living his life, if that makes sense.

(There was also a major betrayal that I thought I'd "forgiven" but I hadn't realised that forgiving something doesn't mean you can make it ok)

Thanks for your perspective. When the dc were younger, yes days out and holidays were a nightmare and exhausting. However now they are older (both teenagers), they have changed so much and are really flexible and both up for visiting places, going out and about, it's a pleasure to go out with them! It now just DH who doesn't want to go out or do anything!

"I just read your update, does he do any regular exercise or anything else proactive to manage his mental health?"

He doesn't do any exercise (apart from the occasional walk). Re his mental health, well he does meditate once a day but I'm not sure how much that helps really. I think he is at his best mentally when he has very few demands on him and not too much stimulation.

In your shoes I'd be making moves to get closer to the life I wanted. You want greater financial and domestic autonomy, so its time to be setting out to him exactly what you want that to look like. You doing things off your own bat shouldn't really effect him, so if he pushes back, then it will be a red flag that he wants to control you, so that would be another factor to weigh up.
I think taking control of your life is crucial to you. When you've managed to build something you're happy with, it will be clearer to you whether your husband has any place in that life, as a companion, house sharer and financial contributor, or whether his very presence drags you down and you'd prefer to lose the limited value he brings to be free of him.

I'm in a similar position, OP. DH is older than me, with health issues, but I have been blunt and said I won't be a carer. He took on a much younger partner but clearly didn't think about it then. I was clear from day 1 that I wasn't sitting down when the DC left home, to rot. Now he sits watching tv all day, rotting his brain into dementia. We have discussed, planned, argued over it. I've made lists, got information, and tried to prompt... nothing

So, I've started doing my own thing. I do 2 sports a week, I am in a dog club and do activities with her at the weekends. I went on holiday with a friend to do a 'bucket list' wish.

Yes this!

@Silkiebunny that's good to hear you have lovely family holidays - I like the idea of the wildlife theme!

Re projects round the house - my DH just hates spending money full stop, and hates disruption of any house projects. I've honestly tried for years and anything I try ends up in stress and arguments.

But you're right, I'm sure there is no perfect relationship out there especially as I'm nearing 50. I just feel so lonely and unfulfilled in this relationship, but maybe as some PPs have said, I need to try to take control. I have tried every tactic under the sun, but whenever I mention spending money/ making changes/going on trips he gets anxious - but I need to try again as I can't live like this.

OP I 100% agree with the people saying your husband is autistic. He sounds demand avoidant as well. This personality profile is naturally controlling, because its a strategy he uses to reduce his anxiety. I never understand when people say "he can be asd but that doesn't give him the right to be controlling" . If he has PDA then it will happen, sadly.

I could have written your OP word for word 3 years ago. Kids similar age and both neurodiverse. Thankfully DH and i have split.

What a sad situation.

I notice people sometimes talk about their anxiety as if it's a big dangerous animal that can't be questioned and everyone must tiptoe around it.

"My anxiety is really bad at the moment " being used as an excuse to duck out of life or responsibilities .

You're treating your husband's anxiety like this to the detriment of you and your children 's well-being.

Start doing the things YOU want to do. Today.