Feel like I'm wasting my life and just existing - or is this just normal life?

[Pinkcrystalelephant]

Feeling so confused.

Have been with DH for over 20 years, I'm now in late forties with two children.

Had the usual ups and downs of married life, probably more downs than ups if I'm honest. DH has suffered with a lot of mental health problems, job redundancies, and both dc have SEN.

This past year has been particularly challenging and I've been considering separation but feel so confused.

DH is at heart a nice guy. He is not critical or mean, but he can be self absorbed and doesn't put much effort into our relationship. He loves the children and us being a family. He doesn't do much domestically or in the garden. He wants to live a very small, safe life - not spending much money, not going out anywhere, being at home all the time.

I have recently been feeling that I crave a bit of excitement and adventure but I also like stability and security. I feel so unsettled as one part of me feels stifled by this life I am living, but another part feels that if I gave it all up I would regret it. I love going on holidays, having plans for the house and garden, going to interesting places at the weekend etc - my DH doesn't like all of that, and actively refuses a lot of it due to his anxiety, so I'm left feeling frustrated and trapped as I can't really do much. I mean I do go out with friends but I can't do anything with the house or garden as he doesn't want to spend money and doesn't like any disruption. Holidays are usually a nightmare as he gets anxious and stressed being out of his comfort zone.

The other thing is that he is at home all the time - 24/7. He only goes out very occasionally for a walk or to do the shopping once a week. He works from home part time and is looking to retire early soon. His plans for retirement are just more of the same - being at home and relaxing. I work partly from home and partly from the office but I'm so desperate for some time to myself at home.

We haven't had sex for years, the last few years he just hasn't been bothered, he said it's his age (he's 50). I used to try to be emotionally close with him, but it's always me making the first move to talk or be close, so I've stopped making the effort. Sometimes he sees me upset and looks concerned but it's like he doesn't know what to say. I just feel like I want a bit of passion and intimacy, physically and emotionally.

I must admit, I've been thinking about what it would be like to have a relationship with someone else who had a bit more zest for life, where I would feel emotionally connected - it would be great! But no one is perfect, I'm sure any other relationship I could have would also have its pros and cons.

We've been to counselling and nothing's changed.

I just can't imagine my life like this for the rest of my life - plodding around at home with each other. He's very sweet and pleasant (when he's not struggling with his mental health), and I do love him, but I feel really unfulfilled. I don't know if this is maybe perimenopause or something, maybe in 5 or 10 years I'll be quite happy to potter around with him, not doing much. Or will I regret wasting my life?!

"I am sure that he's not trying to control me in a manipulative way."

He is though isn't he. He makes all the decisions about everything and if he can't have his own way, there's an exhausting argument and he always wins. He's carving out the life he wants to suit himself and it's making you miserable. Whatever the reasons are for his behaviour (anxiety, ND) you are the one living a life that you don't want, so if he wants to keep the family together, he'll have to compromise and meet you half way. If he can't/won't do that then you'll be totally justified in making a new life for yourself without him.

@MackenCheese Yes I have looked into PDA and I am sure my DH has it.

I hope you are happier now you have split? How did the kids take it? That's one of my worries if we did split. Are you on your own or in/looking for another relationship? Sorry for all the questions - I'd just be interested to hear how things are now, as I guess it would give me an idea of what might happen if I did take the plunge and leave at some point!

@Pinkcrystalelephant - not read the full thread so sorry if I’ve missed this. A few things strike me.

Firstly, for you, this is existing not living. Life is not a dress rehearsal - we have just one shot at it. You could have several more decades of this. You will regret spending your life this way if you make no change.

Secondly, you need to plan based on the life you could make alone. It sounds like you’re counting on finding a different kind of man to have a livelier time with. That may well happen. But it may not. So plan for complete independence.

Thirdly, 50 is no age from a sexual or life perspective. This is him, not his age.

Sounds like he’d be happy spending the rest of his life in a dark, windowless room in silence. Drinking tap and water and a dry slice of cheap white bread. GRIM!!

Start doing what you want. See how he reacts. If he’s not willing to compromise then think about leaving.

Agree with Mackencheese.

The wildlife holidays our first one was here though it's April to mid August but seeing brown bears in the wild in Finland and staying in chalets with home cooked food. My asd child ate the food fine and DH was much better on this holiday than the AI splashworld places had been before. Think the lure of the bears got him out of room more easily. Though I would consider just you and kids going if he's going to moan all holiday. But it's getting him to pay for at least half the kids.
https://www.arolabear.com/

So the spending money thing

Can you get a spreadsheet together

How much do you have ; what do you need to have (A) - savings income outgoings etc, adding 5% to costs each year ; assume retirement at normal ages- do you need extra savings to help with pensions etc etc

Then want to have - he wants to retire early do you have enough to make up the difference till pensions arrive for example ? (B)

You want to spend money on holiday or home improvements (C) - do you have enough after accounting for A ? After Accounting for B?

Note that if there is enough for A B and C then you should be able to go ahead and you can use the speadsheet for reassurance

I suspect that it's B that's a problem / early retirement is hard to achieve - but then why should B get priority over C?

We have Excel spreadsheet for money, takes a while to do. We used to have all money in and out each though now have stopped that part but used it so both had same left over each month. Then savings accounts and interest rates and savings for pension and how much need in retirement. Joint account would be easier.

@Dery yes I think I have been thinking of having a connected, fun relationship with a man - partly because I have felt so disconnected and lonely in this relationship. I actually love being alone and used to be very independent (used to go backpacking alone all over the world). You're right, if I was going to leave, it would need to be based on me being totally independent, rather than on the premise that I will meet someone lovely to share my life with, which may or may not happen!

I actually think that if I lived alone I might be thinking less about being in a relationship, it's more that I think my marriage with DH is not very nurturing or fulfilling, and is actually quite draining, so then I start thinking about what a fulfilling relationship could be like. But if I was happy on my own, I would probably be less bothered about a relationship!

With work on house might help to have a room he can go to and be alone when on and shut door. I don't really like work in house though like the improvements but if I can stay separate from it it's better. No issue paying for it as consider money will add to house value. I also have work on house on spreadsheet in case of sale.

You'll regret it if you don't change something.

The house and garden. Do it anyway, whether he wants to spend money or not. Is he going to physically stop you?

But the intimacy stuff, if you're craving that then your marriage is as good as over. That feeling won't go away, it'll grow into massive resentment.

I know all that sounds awful and it is in some ways, but I guess I see that it's coming from his anxiety, I am sure that he's not trying to control me in a manipulative way.

You are giving him the final decision on EVERYTHING though aren't you?
When he retires, what car to buy, what holidays to go on what days out you have what colour the walls are, his decision to not have a sex life.
You are enabling his infantalisation and his desire to leave work early is increadibly selfish, he will rely on you to work and cater to his needs and without work he is going to get worse, he'll be sat in front of the TV all day relying on you for company. He's becoming a third child, a depressed moody teenager.
He sounds a lot like my ex, it was all about him. In the end I just started putting myself first, I went on holiday without him I grew a thicker skin. Yes we argued but with determination you can advocate for yourself and accept and put up with the moaning (count the number of times he said 'I' in each sentance during rows instead of taking it to heart!)
You are the proactive one, just do things without waiting for his approval, after all he's expecting you to work and provide for him until your retirement.

I can totally empathise. One thing I focus on is that I am responsible for my own happiness. Leave or stay, you need to find things that bring you joy. It could be with friends or alone. Perhaps a local womens group, gym or yoga classes, volunteering, a helper at Brownies/Scouts. You say would love time at hone alone, but isn't it actually some time being you that you crave?
Secondly, does he realise how his anxiety is impacting the family? I think he really needs to get some help for it, therapy on his own. He is going down the path of shrinking his life, aiming for no work + no changes. This is not solving his anxiety, its life avoidance! You both still have a long life ahead. If he doesn't start to tackle this, neither you or the kids will be around in 5-10 years time. If he doesn't understand this, he needs to be told. Even if you expand you own life outside of your marriage and remain in the relationship for a few years, it doesn't sound like anyone could put up with these life limitations long term. What do you see when you think about your future, when the kids are grown up and you retire? I bet it looks a lot different to his.
With the car replacement, what about suggesting that you make the decision without him? He doesn't like decisions, so offer to take that burden off him. But he has to agree not to blame if he doesn't like the new car. Could it even be your car? It doesn't sound like he's going out much so I bet he rarely uses it. Maybe one of the kids would like to help chose, with a view to driving at 17? Given plenty of notice to get his head around this as an option, maybe he'll come around to the benefit. I have done this with my anxious DP + they actually feel relieved I have taken on the burden. Although they usually feel the need to from some excuse for not being involved, such as them being too busy at work or family visiting or even having a cold so not up to going out looking. Why its necessary I don't know but maybe worth a try.

“I actually think that if I lived alone I might be thinking less about being in a relationship, it's more that I think my marriage with DH is not very nurturing or fulfilling, and is actually quite draining, so then I start thinking about what a fulfilling relationship could be like. But if I was happy on my own, I would probably be less bothered about a relationship!”

Yes, that makes a lot of sense. And I completely understand why you would like a relationship that actually feels like a relationship, and if you leave your H, you will at least be available for another relationship. Good luck, OP. It is absolutely your time to start living the life you want to live.

Has he had pointed out to him what HIS options are? he is assuming all will carry on to his plan, as he wishes. Not necessarily so - unless you cede your agency completely OP. For example, you could offer him:

1. a life with you that meets your needs better as well
2. you leave him - a scenario where he can't afford to retire young, with his housekeeper and carer on tap

Which do you think he will pick?

@TwilightSkies "Sounds like he’d be happy spending the rest of his life in a dark, windowless room in silence. Drinking tap and water and a dry slice of cheap white bread. GRIM!!"

Haha that really did make me laugh 🤣 Unfortunately I think it's true, he would be happy like that! (but don't forget the room would also be freezing cold as he doesn't want to spend any money on heating 🤦‍♀️)

You sound very unhappy. You're not getting what you need from the relationship. Your husband wants a simple life and he's not wanting to spend any money because he wants to retire very young. This lifestyle may suit him but it doesn't suit you. You're not getting the affection or emotional connection that you need. It seems more like a friendship, and one that's holding you back. You'll be struggling with money when he stops work and I'd imagine his mood may improve, but will this limited life improve yours? All sounds one sided and based on everything he wants.

If you like your own company and feel you'd be happier alone, put yourself first for once. You've only got one life. I came out of a very long marriage and I've found a new lease of life. I feel like I wasn't living true to myself and now I am. Was worried about my teen son, but he's far happier now not having to live in a stressful atmosphere.

You only get one life (probably) and yours sounds fairly miserable and unfulfilling.

DH needs are all being met, but at the expense of everyone else, including the DC because of his attitude to financial contribution.

I would divorce him before he retires. He can’t afford to retire at 50. He’s taking the piss.

Have you actually had a conversation about how you feel, do you love him, do you want to leave or work on it.
Tell him this life does not suit you, you feel unhappy now the children are growing and needing you a bit less, dont blame him, he seems content, but say you want more, tell him you are going to take the children on a weekend break, somewhere you will enjoy, what ever you like doing Centre Parcs or something, tell him he can stay at home, you go and enjoy yourself plan more breaks with your children working up too a few weeks away next year maybe if its affordable, i promise people will talk to you you will make friends.
Plan a few days out with friends, look up a local book club or something where you will meet others, and make a start on the garden in a small way, if husband doesn't like the disruption is there family he can go stay overnight with?
You may find your home life will be different if you have a few things to look forward too if you really want to stay together.

Probably because spending family money on big projects is normally a joint thing. If one person unilaterally decided to spend £30k on renovations I'm pretty sure MN would have done choice words.
Secondly if he is struggling massively with anxiety, doing big projects would seem like a massive problem and that would affect everyone.

OP if counselling hasn't worked I think maybe separating is the solution

Try reading the OP again

You're just not compatible and I think that he can be happy on his own in his little flat eating beans on toast and wearing a scarf to bed, and leave you to be happy working and earning money to go on holidays and take your children on days out.

You can decorate when you like, use colours you like, eat what you like, put the heating on when you like...

You could have an absolutely wonderful and fulfilling relationship with yourself, you know ❤️

You're his carer, not his partner and he is calling all the shots. Him retiring early, being forced to downsize - none of this benefits you. I'd also say that irrespective of whether you find a new partner, being single has to be so much better than this. You say you love each other but looking at his actions i can't see this and how can you love someone who is content to see you miserable as long as they're getting what they want

If he retires it is going to get worse. You won't be able to do anything. I say leave him. Or at least tell him you are going to leave him if he doesn't change - and have a non negotiable list of things he must change. He's a controlling fun sponge.

I'd say you now need to think about separating. He can then live the simple, frugal life he wants and you can get your life back.

You can't subsidise his retirement at 50! That's dragging you down to his level and you've already had enough.

I'm also going to say that it IS very manipulative of him to not engage with discussion about paint, garden, car, etc. He has successfully got his own way in everything!

In the meantime, there's a women's group on FB for women over 50 who want to holiday solo, get on there and be inspired!

"So it's all quite stressful, but he's just said that he can't cope much longer with work and is happy to live a frugal, simple life, without holidays or any luxuries, so what can I say? I can't force him to work, and equally I see how anxious and stressed he gets when he does work, so I don't think there's any other option"

So you'll be financially supporting him as he won't be working plus in your future years be supplementing his pension as it's inadequate,have to downsize with two teens,won't have holidays,live like a hermit,have to do all the housework,laundry,cooking etc and go without sex.

What a fucking miserable life.

If your going to have to downsize your home do it because you and your boys will be living alone,your boys will likely qualify for help with fees/costs for uni.

Don't continue to financially support this man,if your doing it all domestically have one less people to clean up after,take those holidays with your boys/a friend/family member who actually wants to go and even if you don't want to meet someone else get a FWB for some decent sex.

You are too young to be living like this.

There was a thread where a woman's husband was like yours and he went off to live in a caravan in a field;sounds like yours needs to bugger off and do that.