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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH taking the piss with hobby time

133 replies

TurkeyTeethLookAwful · 06/10/2023 00:13

Does anyone else think this takes the piss? We both work full time and have two secondary age children so it's not necessarily a childcare issue, however we don't have any family time and also it feels as though DH is never home to do any housework, food shopping, cooking etc. This is the amount of time he is out:

Monday - Home all evening but tired from weekend hobbies so is grumpy/tired and lazes in the bath
Tuesday - Home all evening
Wednesday - out doing a hobby from 6pm until midnight. Takes over an hour beforehand to get ready for hobby
Thursday - Home all evening but again tired from a late night the night before so lazes in bath
Friday - pub with friends from 5pm until 11pm or later
Saturday - Hobby all day leaving at 7am and not home until 7pm. In bed by 9pm as tired
Sunday - another hobby from about 10am until 7 or 8pm

He also fucks off to the pub with friends for hours on Xmas eve each year. And has two 'hobby' holidays each year of 5 nights

Is he taking the piss? Yes, I could do a hobby myself and I do go to the gym and have nights out with friends sometimes. But I feel that family and home life should still be a priority for us both.

OP posts:
CallieQ · 06/10/2023 00:27

What are his hobbies

CallieQ · 06/10/2023 00:28

Yes he is taking the p

Dotcheck · 06/10/2023 00:29

You know, just do fun stuff with your kids. Don’t waste their childhood waiting for him to prioritise you all.

DNLove · 06/10/2023 00:30

I'm guessing he cycles. If be very pissed off. What ever about 9-12 on a Saturday morning and 1 full day a month but he's taking the piss. He's living like a single man.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/10/2023 00:37

Yes he is a CF, its ok to have hobbies but he is virtually non existent as part of the family because of it - he will have to get back to so much hobby time when the the kids are older. He is living like he is single.

Superduper02 · 06/10/2023 00:39

YANBU but where is your voice in all of this? How did it get this far?

Resisterance · 06/10/2023 00:47

I see packs of men cycling every %£#@ weekend and I always think its an elaborate ruse to get out of doing any kind of childcare or domestic stuff.

That men would literally rather cycle 40 miles than spend time with the kids and partners!

Codlingmoths · 06/10/2023 00:53

Please tell me that next Thursday evening you jump in the bath, text him a list of anything you regularly get done that night while he focuses on putting himself numero uno, then Friday 4:30 pm you take yourself off for the weekend. Monday you can discuss better balance and if he wants that to be what every second weekend looks like or if he is willing to work at least at pretending he cares about and values his family. If the kids miss some activities the weekend you disappear you say in your discussion that you are disgusted he’s just taken a complete out from his children’s lives and you are the only one there for them.

Original poster
TurkeyTeethLookAwful · 06/10/2023 01:12

I don't really get a say tbh. He won't listen to me if I try to talk about it and won't even begin to try to see where I'm coming from.

The kids are older secondary age so are self sufficient to an extent but he just has zero interest in them.

He gets really annoyed if he has to miss his hobbies, for example if ever I'm unwell and will often try to still shoe horn them in. For example a few weeks ago it was my birthday and we went out for dinner with family members and he'd arranged to go and join in his hobby (snooker that night) afterwards so was trying to hurry us all along

OP posts:
Atethehalloweenchocs · 06/10/2023 01:14

Ok, from your update he is an arse. He clearly does not care about your feelings and is a selfish twat. Does he add anything positive to your life?

AutumnColours9 · 06/10/2023 01:17

My exH was like this, totally selfish. When we split he became even worse as a father.

Superduper02 · 06/10/2023 01:28

TurkeyTeethLookAwful · 06/10/2023 01:12

I don't really get a say tbh. He won't listen to me if I try to talk about it and won't even begin to try to see where I'm coming from.

The kids are older secondary age so are self sufficient to an extent but he just has zero interest in them.

He gets really annoyed if he has to miss his hobbies, for example if ever I'm unwell and will often try to still shoe horn them in. For example a few weeks ago it was my birthday and we went out for dinner with family members and he'd arranged to go and join in his hobby (snooker that night) afterwards so was trying to hurry us all along

Gosh. That is sad OP. It's not a bad idea to start removing yourself more often and hopefully he will step up or understand how empty the home feels without the unit together.

ThreeLeggedPug · 06/10/2023 02:38

Have you asked for a family day?

Also go out on some of the nights he’s in so that you’re not about to foodshop, cook .. ask him to leave a meal on the side ready for your return

MooPips · 06/10/2023 02:44

He’s definitely benefiting isn’t he OP? He has work and hobbies. You have full time work, housework, family - and no time for hobbies. If I were you I’d find his attitude disrespectful and unacceptable. I think this kind of thing can chip away at your self esteem. It sounds like he really doesn’t like family life at all, or even being a partner. Did he want to marry and have children? It’s not really clear the benefits for you of being with him apart from sharing the mortgage and bills. Are there any other reasons why you put up with this?

MrsElsa · 06/10/2023 02:45

Sounds like he sees you as the domestic help. Sees himself as the big man who earns the money and does whatever he wants. The kids are just another trophy to tick off, not people.

It's time for a chat about adulting

MooPips · 06/10/2023 02:47

If you actually want to stay with him (do you?) you could tell him if he doesn’t shape up you want a divorce. I wonder what he would say. I suspect he’d probably agree or just ignore you which amounts to the same thing.

(but see a divorce lawyer first to see where you stand re. legals and finances.)

Whatifitallgoesright · 06/10/2023 02:57

How long as it been like this? When the children were primary did he do any weekend activities with them or bedtimes? What do your kids think about it now they're 14/15?

MariaLuna · 06/10/2023 03:05

He's checked out of family life.

Is this the pattern you want to teach your kids as their future? Guys can check out and the mum will run herself ragged, working, taking care of the kids and carrying the whole load.

Get your ducks in a row and see a divorce lawyer.

Might as well do it sooner than later when your kids have moved on with their life and left home.

Netaporter · 06/10/2023 04:07

@TurkeyTeethLookAwful what do you want to change? You know it’s awful behaviour on his part. At the moment you sound like you just have a crap housemate not a husband. Is the hobby group all male? I hate to say it, but the impatience of him wanting to be at the hobby group at the expense of everything else strikes me as there being the possibility there is someone in the group he would rather be spending time with.

I think on his bath nights I’d be taking myself off and leaving him with a list of jobs to do. In that time maybe see a counsellor by yourself to work out what you want moving forward? You deserve better.

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 06:35

I’m sorry - your husband is selfish and I can’t see where he adds to your life? How would you feel about divorce?

KTSl1964 · 06/10/2023 06:40

Stop cooking and washing his clothes - he’s living like a single man. What a waste of space his is.
YOU need to do something to change this - he has no consequences. I’m not blaming you - he’s a selfish twunt but you need to enforce a change that works for you.

Marthachanged · 06/10/2023 07:20

Get him to teach his hobbies to you and the DCs. Snooker will not be a problem.
You take up shooting. Easy to get tuition for you and teen DCs at Clay Shooting school, allways supervised very closely. The kit hired at the start. Not excessively expensive.

He organisers meals when you out. Just get tougher.

Think outside the box OP.

perfectcolourfound · 06/10/2023 07:27

Yeah he's selfish and cares more about his hobbies than his family.

He uses you as domestic staff.

Seriously, I don't think I could live with someone so selfish and useless and uncaring.

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2023 07:29

I think you're focussing on the wrong thing.

The fact is he clearly does not want to spend any time with you or his family.

So your focus needs to be on whether this is how you want to live or not.

xyz111 · 06/10/2023 07:34

It's not a relationship, you're just sharing a house. You need to have it out with him or your relationship is over.