DH taking the piss with hobby time

[TurkeyTeethLookAwful]

Does anyone else think this takes the piss? We both work full time and have two secondary age children so it's not necessarily a childcare issue, however we don't have any family time and also it feels as though DH is never home to do any housework, food shopping, cooking etc. This is the amount of time he is out:

Monday - Home all evening but tired from weekend hobbies so is grumpy/tired and lazes in the bath
Tuesday - Home all evening
Wednesday - out doing a hobby from 6pm until midnight. Takes over an hour beforehand to get ready for hobby
Thursday - Home all evening but again tired from a late night the night before so lazes in bath
Friday - pub with friends from 5pm until 11pm or later
Saturday - Hobby all day leaving at 7am and not home until 7pm. In bed by 9pm as tired
Sunday - another hobby from about 10am until 7 or 8pm

He also fucks off to the pub with friends for hours on Xmas eve each year. And has two 'hobby' holidays each year of 5 nights

Is he taking the piss? Yes, I could do a hobby myself and I do go to the gym and have nights out with friends sometimes. But I feel that family and home life should still be a priority for us both.

@TurkeyTeethLookAwful why are you with him? What does he bring to your life? He’s not participating in your relationship or family life and sounds like he’s completely checked out but wants to remain together for ease. He’s living like a single man so why not just let him be a single man? Why stay with someone you have to beg to spend time with you? Everyone should have their own hobbies and social life in relationships but it’s all about balance and he’s putting zero effort and time into you. When that happens it means he would rather not spend time with you, he’s doing what he wants to do. Yes he is completely taking the piss.

Really annoying. Why can't he encourage the teens in their hobbies instead of all me me me . Such a bad role model

LTB all over this one

So he’s a useless shit? And he doesn’t even prioritize you all at weekends or CHRISTMAS?! Yes he’s taking the piss and I wouldn’t be able to stomach it. If you aren’t going to leave the useless git then make sure you and your children are still having a good time. He’s missing out on time he will NEVER get back with them. What a loser.

He's being selfish with his time, yes. It's sad, but you say he completely disregards you if you object, which is even sadder.

In your place, I think I'd think about what I wanted from the rest of my life. If you can be satisfied like this (and if he's contributing enough financially to make him 'worth it'), I'd honestly just give up on changing him and focus on your kids and yourself. Do things for them, do things for you, and stop bothering so much about your husband. He can leave dinner early to go do his stupid hobby, but you stay as long as you want, for example.

If it's making you miserable, you can't be happy like this, and he doesn't care enough to compromise, you could always leave him.

For me, I think it would depend on the financial situation and your general level of satisfaction with life. I'd probably stay, but I'd demand he stop being a grump around the house. If his hobby starts poisoning the time he's home, that would make me hate him, tbh.

Any chance he'll age out of these hobbies soon? (If one of the hobbies is snooker, I suppose that's not particularly physically demanding.) Of course, he'll probably just replace one hobby with another, selfish man that he is.

Him going out Christmas Eve and your birthday and making EVERYTHING revolve around him is a disgrace. I’d have been majorly fucked off I was at your birthday dinner and being rushed by him. The stupid twat should have just left! He’s a narcissistic moron.

Bloody hell doesn’t sound like much a marriage. Soaks in the bath all night?

"Snooker" 🤔

Yep wouldn’t normally say this but definitely LTB. I’d say see if he changes after a chat but I doubt he will.

So from the list you've given @TurkeyTeethLookAwful Tuesday evenings are his only time at home to get his 50% of the housework done. I'm guessing he never cooks for the family. I'm also guessing he doesn't lift a finger around the house on a Tuesday evening either, am I right?

If I were you, I'd start planning your finances, then if you know you'll be ok without his contribution, I'd ask him to leave.

In the meantime, I'd also stop cooking for him, stop doing his laundry, stop doing anything that benefits him directly. Just make sure yourself and your children are looked after and fuck his needs.

Free yourself from being his live in maid.

In that case definitely see a divorce lawyer. Sounds like he checked out years ago but is staying with you for the sake of convenience.

Sorry but this is just absolutely ridiculous. He clearly is showing you and your children exactly where his true priorities lie, and they are not with his family....you are worth more than this.

Older kids may not need constant watching, but they do need to feel like their dad takes an interest in them and wants to do things with them sometimes (even if they don’t always want to). And by not pulling his weight domestically and not showing his wife any respect he’s not being a good role model for them.

And refusing to talk about it is shite. And shows he knows he’s a selfish arse.

I’d be ending it, if financially possible. I’d also be wondering if I should be cherching la femme. If it’s so important to spend all that time out of the house and to shut you down for mentioning it.

i m afraid you might as well leave in separate households

I feel like you wouldn’t miss him if he lived in a bachelor pad around the corner.

He’s clearly checked out of family life.

Your children will have zero respect for a man who treats their mum like a skivvy.
Sad for them.
If you want to leave then lots of suggestions made already.
I wouldn’t lift a finger to help him in any way either. (In fact I'd probably make sure his much loved bath was cold but I can be a bit vengeful)
Hope you come back for some support or get some RL support. 🌺

Ew. So you're his mum basically? He's not acting single; single men have to look after themselves. He's acting like he's the eldest teenager.

I agree with WetBottom. Your kids are not benefitting from having this relationship as their blueprint for what family life should look like. Leave him, and teach them that this dynamic is unacceptable before they leave home.

I agree that you should think outside the box and also inside the box (divorce). He is awful. Selfish. Zero interest in being with his wife and children. Puts you last, actually you and the children are not even on his list. He deserves absolutely nothing, what a terrible human being. He acts like he’s totally single.

Lazes in the bath when he is home? Doing what, fantasizing about his ‘hobbies’?

Spends entire weekend every weekend and hours and hours during the week doing hobbies, which are probably eye rolling to begin with. The cyclists are the worst. They buy hordes of those little skintight outfits in Mondrian color blocking with giant names on them as if they’re on a professional cycling team 😂. Pitiful. They should be home spending time with their children and wives. It’s the crazy amount of time really. 12 hours a day twice a week, taking up whole weekend then ‘snooker’ for 6 hours, then pub for 6 hours, then….bin!

Basically he’s MIA every single weekend Fri through Sunday. Then through the week. Even a single person spends more time at home.

I don’t usually advocate for divorce but you deserve so much more, Op. He is the bottom of the barrel. If a hobby is more interesting than spouse and children then there is a very big problem.

Just for curiosity’s sake to see how far he would take this, I’d do what pp suggested, you and the children participate in some way in his hobbies and see what he does. Talking to him doesn’t help so I would try other things. Even if you love being home, be gone with the children the nights he is in. Leave house in utter darkness, no home fires burning, no good smells in the kitchen, nothing to eat, his smelly laundry piled to the rafters, the whole works. Don’t say a word. Say it without words. What a little foolish ass he is, missing out on his children growing up. How dare he.

What a selfish non-husband and non-father

Those kids are old enough to remember that he was never there. Even if they don't really feel the absence now, when they are adults and they meet people, they will realise the behaviour was abnormal. When people talk about their dads, they'll realise that theirs wasn't like that.

My father was never home. Out 8am til 10pm every single Saturday. Hobby. When he was there, he was always in a bad mood, snappy and horrible to us. I don't speak to my father. He actually wonders why. I don't really want a confrontation, it's too late - and I don't want to sit down and say, well, you weren't there, you did nothing for us, you didn't care about me, you were moody, nasty and hit us. Thankfully my parents are divorced.

I think this is good advice.

I'd find it hard to tolerate him though. He is completely selfish and self-centered. What would you life look like without him in it (aka sitting in the bath), OP? I'd
do an exercise where you imagine life with him gone - walk through a day or weekend hour by hour and see how you will feel. It might be worth the hassle of divorce just to not feel seething resentment all the time.

He is the kind of man who turns around at 65 and wonders why none of his children pick up the phone to him.

He’s already left you OP.
I’m sorry to be so blunt, but you’re just a convenient maid/cook/shag/all around servant to facilitate his cushy bachelor lifestyle
He doesn’t even seem to LIKE you or his kids. You all deserve better……
Much better

When does he actually parent and when is your time to do hobbies. This isn’t a good relationship and there is no point to him.

He sounds more like a room mate than a partner.

Mentally checked out, sounds like you need to properly sit down and talk about it

Yea sorry, unless he's that good he's aiming to become professional, I doubt snooker was the reason he couldn't wait to leave you on your birthday. I get the impression these alleged hobbies are varied - as in various excuses. Do you actually know he is where he says he is?
I'm thinking that the amount of time he's not home, and oh so tired when he is home, he's been avoiding a sex life with you. Hate to say it, but likely getting it elsewhere, perhaps you've been too cool about his 'hobbies' for too long, and he's been out and out lying.
Does his physique match the hours at his hobby - probably overweight if darts and snooker, or athletic if a physical 'hobby".
There's more to this than hobbies, it's time you planned moving on, as it looks like he may have.