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Original poster

DH taking the piss with hobby time

133 replies

TurkeyTeethLookAwful · 06/10/2023 00:13

Does anyone else think this takes the piss? We both work full time and have two secondary age children so it's not necessarily a childcare issue, however we don't have any family time and also it feels as though DH is never home to do any housework, food shopping, cooking etc. This is the amount of time he is out:

Monday - Home all evening but tired from weekend hobbies so is grumpy/tired and lazes in the bath
Tuesday - Home all evening
Wednesday - out doing a hobby from 6pm until midnight. Takes over an hour beforehand to get ready for hobby
Thursday - Home all evening but again tired from a late night the night before so lazes in bath
Friday - pub with friends from 5pm until 11pm or later
Saturday - Hobby all day leaving at 7am and not home until 7pm. In bed by 9pm as tired
Sunday - another hobby from about 10am until 7 or 8pm

He also fucks off to the pub with friends for hours on Xmas eve each year. And has two 'hobby' holidays each year of 5 nights

Is he taking the piss? Yes, I could do a hobby myself and I do go to the gym and have nights out with friends sometimes. But I feel that family and home life should still be a priority for us both.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 06/10/2023 08:50

As previous PP have said ,It could be an Affair? He seems disinterested in family life and "hurrying you up" on your birthday is not acceptable at all .I very rarely say this ,but I would get your ducks in a row and make some plans to leave ASAP!

Naunet · 06/10/2023 08:51

So he thinks it’s fair that he gets Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday to himself? When is your free time to bugger off all day? He’s a selfish man who is living like he’s single and separate from his family. That’s not a relationship.
Id love to know what he thinks he brings to your marriage/family.

MostlyHappyMummy · 06/10/2023 08:54

Does he do any housework, cooking, admin and lifts for kids?

Graciebobcat · 06/10/2023 08:55

It does sound like quite a lot. Was he like this when the kids were younger too? I mean as teenagers I'm guessing they mostly want to do things with their friends but it's certainly good to have someone to share the ferrying about and just to spend some time together! All those times he is away for hours at a time he is just assuming you will pick all this up. I bet he doesn't do his share of household chores either.

I go to the gym three times a week, but two of those times is during the working day so not family time anyway. One is at the weekend and teenage DDs often come with me. Then I do a yoga class for an hour another evening and a course another evening which takes two hours. The yoga class is on a night when no-one is doing anything anyway and DD1 has a class the night I have the course but drives herself, and I still make the dinner every night regardless.

I'm quite glad sometimes that DH doesn't have any hobbies!

ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 06/10/2023 09:11

Sounds like he has checked out of family life, he just hasn't physically left yet.

Lavenderosa · 06/10/2023 09:17

Why do you still want to be married to him? You're not an equal partner, he's using you as domestic staff. He couldn't even spend your birthday evening with you. Why do you put up with it?

Mothership4two · 06/10/2023 09:21

Yes he is OP. Wouldn't do any of "his" stuff ie washing/ironing, his admin stuff and his meals unless he pulls his finger out

WowOK · 06/10/2023 09:27

So he's only home Monday, Tuesday and Thursday and in that time he's a grumpy fucker and does nothing buy lay in the bath. @TurkeyTeethLookAwful what exactly is his contribution to family / home life? You are basically single. What do you do? Are you lonely?

Mothership4two · 06/10/2023 09:29

Is this real?

thenightsky · 06/10/2023 09:40

He is 'exhausted' from playing snooker?? Pull the other one... 😂

arethereanyleftatall · 06/10/2023 09:48

With ops like this, and the responses like 'try and fix it with a family day' - I'm thinking WHY?

The man is a selfish dickhead, there's many of them about, who does exactly what he wants in life with zero consideration for anyone else.

So - the thought process should not be to spend years listing his negative personality traits, spending years of your life complaining about him to friends, who do likewise with their husbands who they also don't like any more, and who also don't like them amy more.

What's the point?

What's the fucking point of trying and trying to get the marriage you hoped for when you were little - but haven't got, and never will have any more? Of spending years being bitter, resentful and negative.

Accept it.

Then think about - what would make your and your childrens lives happier?
What value is this man bringing to your lives? It doesn't seem like he brings a single positive. Just a constant show to you and and your kids that he's got better things to do than be with you all.

It isn't the 1950s. Women don't have to spend our entire lives in misery serving a man any more.

Divorce him. You will be happier.

Bruisername · 06/10/2023 09:56

I think op needs to consider what’s easiest for her. Perhaps financially it works better to have him there. See him as a lodger. Reduce what you do for him. Get ducks in a row so when kids have left you can leave.

or perhaps he brings so much negativity that divorcing now is preferable.

but this isn’t a marriage.

what did the family members say at the birthday meal? I would have told him to sod off to his hobby and leave us enjoying ourselves - not let him rush everyone!

AttilaTheMeerkat · 06/10/2023 10:03

Be brave and start planning your divorce now. Your kids likely wonder of you why you are with their dad at all as do I. What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

SisterWedge · 06/10/2023 10:08

My ex was like this, except my dc were pre school so there was a huge issue with him not helping raise them. In addition he did a lot of secret spending on his hobby at a time when we couldn't afford it.

It resulted in the end of our relationship. He thought I was hugely unreasonable asking him to not disappear every weekend. We were both very resentful of each other and nothing was fun anymore.

Sadly I think it's quite common. My dad was the same with his hobby which meant he basically lived in the garage. I don't think you can force these things, it boils down to what their priorities are.

Cockmigrant · 06/10/2023 10:43

He has checked out of the relationship and out of family life. He behaves like a single man.
When do you get time to go and do hobbies??

Before you have it out with him, think about what you actually want. Is there anything you would like to do? It's important to build in some wants when you have your conversation with him because you should be able to do things for you that you "want" to do rather than just "need" to do.
If you are both working full-time you should both be contributing equally to the household chores and cooking so that needs to be discussed too.
There should be family time too where you all get to do something together.

But to be honest I think you are probably pissing into the wind here. If he was interested in doing things as a family he would be doing it.
The rest of it - not doing anything around the home and just lazing in the bath - also shows he does not see this an equal partnership. He gets to do what he likes and you are his servant.

My ex was like this with hobbies. It took me a long time to realize that if he was really interested in having a relationship with me he would have made time for me rather than moaning on about his hobbies taking up so much time - i.e. making the right noises so that I would think he did want to be with me but couldn't "get out" of doing his hobbies. But actually, just like your DH, he wanted all the convenience of having a "wife" (we weren't married but that's how he saw it) at home, keeping the place clean, washing his clothes and cooking etc.

Never again. I got rid of him and my life is way better for it.

In your case I would suggest you

  1. Spend some time deciding what you want/what your non-negotiables are etc. Also do some research on how things might look if you decided at some point to divorce.
  2. Present this in a conversation with him (basically he shapes up and ships out - obviously he doesn't have to stop all hobbies but he needs to make changes)
  3. Give him a time limit for the aforementioned shaping out or shipping out. Stick to it.
waterrat · 06/10/2023 10:44

Leave him and start a happier life OP

Tinklyheadtilt · 06/10/2023 10:53

Usual question, what is he bringing to the marriage? (aside from money)

Either get rid of him, or a very frank conversation needs to be had where it is agreed how much 'hobby time' he gets and how much you get.

LemonTT · 06/10/2023 10:57

He appears to not want to have a relationship with you, at least not one you want. There’s no point in festering you need to call this out and address it. There are implications of a split for both of you. These are not insignificant at a crucial time for your children’s education.

With older teens you both might decide to stick it out for a few years until they leave home. Or you split and everything gets divided up.

Carry on like this and one of you will have an affair or a breakdown. Then it will get messier and more painful for all.

Lavenderosa · 06/10/2023 11:59

I think you should speak to a solicitor about what you could expect financially if you divorce. He's not going to have 50/50 childcare and you'll need to provide a home for the children so so you might be able to afford to live independently. Once you're clear about your potential financial security, you might see how much better your life would be as a single Mum.

RedAndWhiteCarnations · 06/10/2023 12:59

Oh he’ll have a shock if he has his own dcs EOW!!!

And yes he is taking he mick and i suspect it has been going in fur a long time too.
Regardless of what you want to (stay or get divorced), I’d advise you to stop making his life easy.
Let him do his own washing/ironing. Let him deal with his meals etc….
Start organising time fir yourself - don’t you fancy a 5 days hols on your own too?
And then plan your life as if he wasn’t there. Because unfortunately you simply can nit force someone to be a parent of they don’t want to.

Sloth66 · 06/10/2023 15:29

He’s checked out of family life and is living as a single man. His choice. You say you’ve spoken to him. The bottom line really is that he seems to resent and so avoid spending any time with his family. What does that say about him?

Epidote · 06/10/2023 15:49

Your kids are teens they can be self sufficient at some extend. Start booking time for your hobbies and do nothing else than your hobbies. If he complains you know the answer.

LaurieStrode · 06/10/2023 16:13

Lavenderosa · 06/10/2023 09:17

Why do you still want to be married to him? You're not an equal partner, he's using you as domestic staff. He couldn't even spend your birthday evening with you. Why do you put up with it?

This is what I am wondering. What does he bring to your life?

If you have to stay for financial reasons, just develop your own life. Don't do the "pick me" dance because he's clearly chosen hobby, mates and god knows who/what else over you, the children and family life.

Can you access any counseling to clarify a way forward for yourself? And start developing hobbies/social networks of your own?

Goldbar · 06/10/2023 16:28

He doesn't contribute to your family life at all, does he?

He's just taking up space in your lives (physical space and headspace) without adding anything positive. A grumpy, childish, selfish, self-justificatory presence.

Ppzd · 06/10/2023 16:56

I agree with the majority of the comments: he is taking the piss, he's not involved in the family life or your relationship, he is disrespectful towards you and your freedoms, the list is long. The 1st thing that came to mind when reading you and about all his hobbies and late nights and away for hours + the fact he's not involved in you at all is that he might be having an affair. Not saying that's true, but that would cross my mind in this situation.

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