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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH severe anxiety - don't know what to do

115 replies

Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 12:31

Really struggling at the moment. DH has severe chronic anxiety, to the point where he is now not able to work. I think he's always had a low capacity and various life events seem to have crushed him. He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years. Everything is a big deal and stressful for him- paying a bill, cooking a meal, driving - and when it comes to booking/going on holiday, going to an event, organising house maintenance etc, all hell breaks loose. He just can't cope. So I end up organising everything, trying to ensure his life is as stress free/calm as possible, trying to protect the children from his moods (they are now teens). I work and do 90% of everything else.

He has over the years been emotionally abusive, he can be very nice and kind when everything is going his way, but when anything is asked of him (however minor), or he feels under pressure, he gets angry and stressed. He has been a bit insightful sometimes and recognised that the situation isn't easy for me, but that doesn't happen very often, he's usually wrapped up in himself.

It's so hard. I am so tired of having to be the stable one. We are not emotionally close - he doesn't open up to me, and I don't bother trying any more as I am just so tired of the whole situation. I don't feel emotionally safe with him as I never know how his mood is going to be. He's had endless amounts of therapy and is on anti depressants - none of it seems to work.

I'm currently going to a therapist to try to clarify my thoughts. I feel devastated at the thought of breaking up the family, my children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this. The money side of things would be so difficult too. It would be such an upheaval.

I find myself wishing that he was horrible all the time instead of being horrible/stressed sometimes and nice sometimes - it would make a decision easier. Or if I thought it was intentional, but I know it's all based on his anxiety. If he had an affair, I really don't think I would mind, as again, it would make a decision easier. I know he loves the children so much and he says he loves me too. I feel like I love him, but I am really struggling to live like this - no emotional connection or support, no practical help in the house or garden, no similar goals or future plans.

Has anyone stayed with a DH with severe anxiety long term - does it get easier or worse? If you left, how did you cope with the guilt and feeling sorry for them? I know he is a really good guy at heart which is what makes it all so much more difficult.

OP posts:
thefullbullpen · 05/10/2023 12:38

As someone with severe anxiety, I'm afraid it doesn't sound like anxiety it just sounds like he's a dick, I think that's why therapy and medication don't work for him.
I am well aware of the potential impact this can and does have on my family and every day I try hard to minimise this. He just sounds like he doesn't care.
Sorry, I cant imagine living with this.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 12:43

He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years.

He really saw you coming, I'm afraid. It's very interesting how his "severe anxiety" only prevents him from doing the shit he doesn't like to do, while you are burdened with absolutely everything. Has it not occurred to you that your husband is actually just a manipulative, selfish, abusive arsehole?

Get rid of this man and get your life back.

MWNA · 05/10/2023 12:43

That type of behaviour revolts me. You've become his parent. What a dreadful person he sounds.

TheShellBeach · 05/10/2023 12:44

It isn't anxiety which is behind this - it's the fact that he's not a very nice person. I have had severe anxiety at times but I would never treat my husband the way yours treats you.
I would have no qualms about ending things, personally.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2023 12:45

I know he is a really good guy at heart

Why is it nearly every woman who is being abused and taken advantage of says this? I assume it's to make themselves feel better for choosing to stay with such a useless man.

Wake-up, op. He's not a good guy. He doesn't even register.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 05/10/2023 12:46

How much is he drinking? That you know of?

ZebraD · 05/10/2023 12:46

He sounds spoilt to me…

sunnyseed · 05/10/2023 12:48

I suffer really badly with anxiety too and I’m sorry to say but I have to agree with the posters above. It sounds like he is taking advantage of you.

Shlump · 05/10/2023 12:51

Giving him the benefit of the doubt - by avoiding any responsibility, he is enabled to remain afraid of it. Your hard work is what enables him to stay unwell. Unless he is motivated to change, he will probably get gradually worse until you eventually leave him. He might make some effort then.

But really he sounds like a bad partner, selfish and inconsiderate. I think you should leave him.

BTW your children may not fully understand, but they have seen that it’s normal for a couple to have one lazy, selfish partner and one who runs themself ragged taking care of everything. Is that a pattern you’d like them to follow in adulthood?

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 12:52

I'm so confused. His GP and a psychiatrist diagnosed him with anxiety and depression. I have done a lot of research into narcissism/ emotional abuse over the past couple of years as I was sure that that is what I was dealing with. However the therapist I am currently seeing says that from what I have told her, it sounds like he has severe anxiety and control issues, possibly neurodiversity, rather than narcissism. I guess whatever his "label" the point is if I can live with these behaviours or not.

OP posts:
Tiny2018 · 05/10/2023 12:53

I'm assuming that if you broke up and he had to live alone he'd just die then considering he's too terrified of doing absolutely anything for himself?

BHRK · 05/10/2023 12:56

I couldn’t live like this, the resentment levels would be so high. If your children are teens they will understand why you need to split - because it’s not fair for one person to carry all the financial, emotional and physical work of running a household and family. You are teaching them an important life lesson by saying no more.
anxiety and depression is prevalent in this house but everyone pulls their weight.
you could give him an ultimatum and see if he changes. If he doesn’t, you have your answer

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 12:57

I understand the PPs saying they don't know why I am with him and that I should leave. I think I am hanging onto memories - he wasn't always like this, he used to be more loving and caring, although he did always have anxiety and depression. Now he seems completely shut off. Does anyone really stay in a marriage for years where they were once really close and in love and just manage to walk away without a backwards glance? I know he is struggling, and I feel really sorry for him. And then on the other hand there are my needs, which aren't getting met.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:02

Maybe I am in denial, I just can't believe that anyone would act like this intentionally. That's why I always put it down to mental health issues or neurodiversity. Somehow I just can't bring myself to believe that his behaviour is under his control, otherwise I guess then I would have to question his love and commitment for his family (although he tells me that he does love us and is committed to us).

OP posts:
Octavia64 · 05/10/2023 13:03

I just want to pick up on a couple of points:

Someone can abusive without their intention being to deliberately abuse.

If he has severe anxiety this may apply. He gets worried about particular things and is in an emotional storm. This is then difficult for you to deal with, so you respond with 2 strategies - 1 don't ask him to do things so that the storms don't happen and 2 when they do happen either support or back off.

If you are working, doing most of the childcare and the housework, the relevant question is "what extra is he bringing to my life? Are there any benefits to having him around?"

Considering your kids, they will know that he doesn't contribute to the family. They will have seen his emotional storms and noted that he isn't a safe person for them to trust.
You say that they will be upset that the family is broken up if you leave - this may not be the case. They may be happier.

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:04

He rarely drinks, maybe one bottle of beer per week

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 05/10/2023 13:05

Perhaps he is neurodiverse. Perhaps he has severe anxiety. Neither should prevent him pulling his weight with housework.

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 13:06

I think it's really hard because you feel like you'd be abandoning him and if he had, for example, cancer, and was just lying on the couch, everyone would tell you that it's "in sickness and in health" etc etc.

The problem with mental health is that too often it's used as a get out of jail free card. If my DH was debilitatingly ill with say cancer, I know that he would also a) be constantly and fully appreciative of my support and b) as and when he could contribute, he 100% would. My brother's poor mental health doesn't stop him doing the things he needs to do - it stops him from taking joy from any of the things he needs to do and that's something HE has to bear.

Instead, your DH is using his ill health as an excuse to opt out of all responsibilities and expect you to pick up the slack. And it's not okay.

Also, anxiety is never going to improve if he's not challenging himself and trying things. So perhaps he needs a new therapist. So do you by the way (unless it's the same therapist!?). Also perhaps different meds. ADHD can often present as depression in adults so perhaps a proper psychiatric assessment.

But I suspect he doesn't want to do any of this because then he doesn't get his cushy little life.

Has he started letting your DC down as well yet? You know, not bothering to turn up for stuff, not doing things, not taking an interest? It will happen, I promise.

Octavia64 · 05/10/2023 13:06

Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:02

Maybe I am in denial, I just can't believe that anyone would act like this intentionally. That's why I always put it down to mental health issues or neurodiversity. Somehow I just can't bring myself to believe that his behaviour is under his control, otherwise I guess then I would have to question his love and commitment for his family (although he tells me that he does love us and is committed to us).

I could not believe my ExH was intentionally abusing me and my kids until he let slip in a couples counselling session that something he did was to deliberately punish us for upsetting him.

TiredButDancing · 05/10/2023 13:08

ExBIL hasn't seen his children in 8 weeks. He just disappeared one day. Apparently due to mental health problems.

When I had PND, I found it so hard. I did not enjoy looking after DS. I wished, in my secret heart, that I had never had a baby.

You know the difference between me and exBIL (or your DH)? I sucked it up because I had responsibilities. It wasn't easy, it wasn't fun, some things I just could not do, and I often had to ask for help, but I didn't just opt out. Because I'm a grown up.

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:12

@Octavia64 I think that's exactly it - he is perpetually in an "emotional storm" and my reactions to that are as you have mentioned - I either don't ask him to do things, or I support him or back down.

What does he bring to my life? He's the kids' father, even if it's mainly just the presence of him being here, or sorting at the dinner table. Occasionally we have a nice conversation, usually quite superficial. Apart from that, nothing really. It's a bit eye opening to admit that. But I feel sorry for him and somehow like I can't turn my back on him - maybe that's unhealthy attachment, but I don't feel like I can stop loving him on some level.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:22

@GingerIsBest that's an interesting analogy, I had actually thought that about "in sickness and in health" and all that. But yes, I think my DH is using his mental health as an excuse to opt out from his responsibilities.

Yes he has started to let our dc down - saying he'll pick them up from somewhere but always turning up late, "forgetting" to do things that he'd said he would do, not prioritising their needs over his. He can be nice to them too, but to be honest doesn't interact with them much.

He doesn't want any more therapy, to be honest since I've known him he's seen 4 different therapists (psychotherapy, CBT, hypnotherapy). None of it has worked.

OP posts:
Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:26

@TiredButDancing I'm sorry to hear you had PND. I had PND too, and I also just got on with it. I pulled out all the stops to get better, so I could be the best person I could be for our family. I just don't think that motivation is there for my DH.

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 05/10/2023 13:26

You’ve been enabling his shit behaviour for yearssssss (unintentionally).
It sounds like your and your DCs lives would be a million times better away from him. I bet the atmosphere is amazing when he’s not around.

You aren’t his carer and it’s not up to you to fix anything.

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 13:28

Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 13:22

@GingerIsBest that's an interesting analogy, I had actually thought that about "in sickness and in health" and all that. But yes, I think my DH is using his mental health as an excuse to opt out from his responsibilities.

Yes he has started to let our dc down - saying he'll pick them up from somewhere but always turning up late, "forgetting" to do things that he'd said he would do, not prioritising their needs over his. He can be nice to them too, but to be honest doesn't interact with them much.

He doesn't want any more therapy, to be honest since I've known him he's seen 4 different therapists (psychotherapy, CBT, hypnotherapy). None of it has worked.

None of it has worked... most likely because he doesn't want to put in the work. As you had PND, it's clear you know that recovering from mental health is not easy and does take work. He needs to do this.

And I'm sad to hear he's letting your DC down. Think about that when you're considering next steps - because what damage is he doing by being so crap already?

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