DH severe anxiety - don't know what to do

[Icewatermelon]

Really struggling at the moment. DH has severe chronic anxiety, to the point where he is now not able to work. I think he's always had a low capacity and various life events seem to have crushed him. He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years. Everything is a big deal and stressful for him- paying a bill, cooking a meal, driving - and when it comes to booking/going on holiday, going to an event, organising house maintenance etc, all hell breaks loose. He just can't cope. So I end up organising everything, trying to ensure his life is as stress free/calm as possible, trying to protect the children from his moods (they are now teens). I work and do 90% of everything else.

He has over the years been emotionally abusive, he can be very nice and kind when everything is going his way, but when anything is asked of him (however minor), or he feels under pressure, he gets angry and stressed. He has been a bit insightful sometimes and recognised that the situation isn't easy for me, but that doesn't happen very often, he's usually wrapped up in himself.

It's so hard. I am so tired of having to be the stable one. We are not emotionally close - he doesn't open up to me, and I don't bother trying any more as I am just so tired of the whole situation. I don't feel emotionally safe with him as I never know how his mood is going to be. He's had endless amounts of therapy and is on anti depressants - none of it seems to work.

I'm currently going to a therapist to try to clarify my thoughts. I feel devastated at the thought of breaking up the family, my children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this. The money side of things would be so difficult too. It would be such an upheaval.

I find myself wishing that he was horrible all the time instead of being horrible/stressed sometimes and nice sometimes - it would make a decision easier. Or if I thought it was intentional, but I know it's all based on his anxiety. If he had an affair, I really don't think I would mind, as again, it would make a decision easier. I know he loves the children so much and he says he loves me too. I feel like I love him, but I am really struggling to live like this - no emotional connection or support, no practical help in the house or garden, no similar goals or future plans.

Has anyone stayed with a DH with severe anxiety long term - does it get easier or worse? If you left, how did you cope with the guilt and feeling sorry for them? I know he is a really good guy at heart which is what makes it all so much more difficult.

I'm so sorry.

At his age he will not change. That concrete's set.

Your children will soon be off into the world on their own journeys.

Leaving you. And him. Together.

So you have a choice.

Either accept this is it, your life dictated by how he is til death do you part.

Or take your future into your own hands and make it your own.

It's your choice.

What do you want most?

Cling on to a few nice memories and some crumbs of comfort when he's occasionally ok to you?

While doing ALL the heavy lifting in your lives with zero support?

Or the chance to find some fun, sponteneity, maybe romance, an equal relationship that's also a friendship, elsewhere?

Yes, there would be changes everywhere. Change is scary - and exciting.

Is it really a case of better the devil you know - grimly sticking to what's familiar, even if it's crap?

Life is so so short.

Why fritter yours away on this sadness?

I do actually worry that if we split up, he would massively go downhill and live in squalor, and then my DC would feel so upset and sorry for him. But maybe he would actually have to take responsibility and start to make changes

Sounds like a cock lodger. Doesnt work/do cleaning/parenting/no money/contributes nothing whilst you wait on him hand and foot not daring to rock the boat for fear of his anger. This is no way to live 😔 youve taken on mummy role for him too im afraid

It’s natural to still feel some love and affection but is that enough for you? What are you getting from this marriage? You say you can’t walk away without a backward glance but surely there’s middle ground whereby you separate as amicably as possible ( there will be guilt tripping for sure) and focus on yourself and your DC.

He does have responsibilities to you, the family and himself and he needs to start taking some and coping with life without you doing it all for him.

picture yourself in 10 years. What does that look like?

Another life long sufferer here. I don’t do any of those things either.

He doesn't need to find any motivation because you are doing everything.

@Shlump "by avoiding any responsibility, he is enabled to remain afraid of it. Your hard work is what enables him to stay unwell.'

That really makes sense - thank you. I have always worked hard and put 100% of my efforts into our family. Maybe it has enabled him as he can just coast along without stepping up as he knows I will be able to cope with everything. How strange that he would want to do that and not also put his own effort in...

That's awful. Yes I think sometimes we can't see the truth as it's too painful to face.

@MatildaTheCat "picture yourself in 10 years. What does that look like?"

Well, if I stay in this situation, worn out, exhausted, stressed, unhappy. I have been drinking more alcohol to cope with the situation and was even thinking of going on anti depressants myself. So yes, not a pretty picture for the future 😔

I appreciate all the questions from everyone as its clarifying things for me and making me think!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow do you mean your DH sounds like mine? I'm sorry if you are in a similar situation.

You could live separately but still be there for him as a friend. As long as he understands that means that you aren’t there as a carer for him in any way (you’d have to be very strict with yourself on that).

But honestly only you know whether that will muddy the waters or not and perhaps a clean break is better.

The alcohol and antidepressents are surely you self medicating to cope with what he's doing to you.

Do you want this

They have their own side effects and can make you ill.

I think I was very conditioned by my upbringing. My dad was very similar to my DH - couldn't cope with life, had depression and anxiety and pretty sure he was on the autistic spectrum. He left our family to live abroad when I was a teenager. However my mum up to that point was completely self sacrificial, she worked and looked after him and my siblings and I without complaint. She would have carried on looking after him too if he'd stayed.

I've told her about the situation with my DH, and her view is that no marriage is perfect and I just need to suck it up and get on with it as that's the commitment of marriage, and I should make sure the children have a stable family unit. I spoke to her this morning and ended up feeling really confused, probably why I then decided to start a thread!

@SBHon yes that's a good idea, I had thought something like that might work, that we could live separately and I could be there for him as a friend. I don't want to abandon him but I just don't think I can sacrifice myself for him ongoing - I just feel his needs are so great we might both eventually go under.

@JFDIYOLO yes the extra alcohol intake is definitely a coping mechanism. I'm looking at it as a short term coping strategy - but it's not a good one I know. I just feel so trapped and in turmoil, I haven't known what else to do. I've been crying about this situation every day for probably a year.

Your DC might well be relieved if they no longer have to live with their father who, frankly, sounds awful .
We all try to protect our DC and keep the family together but sometimes it is better for the children to live with 1 happy, stable parent than 2 unhappy ones.

Regardless of the cause of his behaviour, the outcome is that you don’t have a partner who supports you either practically or emotionally and your needs remain unmet while his are prioritised. It’s clear from what you say he doesn’t have the motivation or desire to change his situation (likely because there are great benefits to contributing very little and getting to do what he wants) so the question you need to ask yourself is whether you’re willing to live the rest of your life like this. If the answer is no then do yourself a favour and save yourself years more unhappiness. I appreciate that’s easier said than done with children but you’ll be teaching them an important lesson about setting boundaries and advocating for themselves, and may even be protecting them from the negative impact of his moods.

I'm so sorry for what your childhood and your mum's life were like .

Generational trauma repeats and repeats.

Sadly your mum isnt your best counsel or example here.

Time to give your children a better example of what married life can be?

Please read your initial post back to yourself. It looks as though you want out but stay due to FOG (fear, obligation and guilt). Don't listen to your Mum on this, just think and do what is right for you. If he is refusing treatment then the situation is likely to get worse, not better with no end in sight. It is likely that if you split, he may suddenly start to manage on his own since he has to, or he will find someone else to fill your place in mummying him.

Ask yourself what benefits he brings into your life?

Imagine a future where you live in your own place with your DC visiting sometimes. Think how clean/tidy/calm your own space would be.

Let go of the feeling that you are in some way his carer or responsible for him. If you leave, then what happens to him and how he chooses to live will not be your concern and you have the right not to take any interest in it, so please let go of any idea of being his friend if you split.

You can do this since he does not consider your mental health (which is clearly suffering), your tiredness (at having to work and keep house) or your need to have a supportive partner who does their share of everything including childcare. He isn't there for you.

Whether he has severe anxiety and/or other MH issues or not, he is monumentally selfish and lazy. Not to mention unkind to you and a negligent parent.

Try putting yourself and your needs alongside your children's rather than his. After all, he is putting you last.

OP, what would you say to one of your children if they were in a relationship which caused them to cry every day, drink too much alcohol and be thinking about getting medication just to cope?

Honestly?

You see, I don't think your mother is a good person to discuss this with.

But you're a mother, too.

What would you say to your child in this situation?

Be brave, OP.
When you leave him he'll be fine. He'll surprise you. He'll magically be able to do things for himself, I'm sure of it.
In any case, he wouldn't be your responsibility anymore.

Someone can have anxiety and depression and be emotionally abusive they are not mutually exclusive. Because he has a diagnosis of anxiety doesn’t mean that he is not also being emotionally abusive. He’s using it as an excuse .

Also, a therapist or psychiatrist would not be able to outright tell a partner of someone that they think their client is an abusive, selfish user. That would be unprofessional - it doesn’t mean he isn’t one though. Listen to the posters above OP.

@Icewatermelon I know you have difficult decisions to make and must prioritise your own life and your OP is understandably about that but I did want to comment on what your therapist said - he does sound as if he could be neurodivergent based on your posts.

In the case of ADHD the diagnostic process is very much about co-morbidities and of course depression and anxiety are symptoms of long term difficulties in coping with what most people don’t find overwhelming or complex. The trouble with being diagnosed with “anxiety and depression” if the problem is actually ND is that almost all psychotherapy, CBT (and other therapeutic approaches) are hopeless if they are not specifically tailored to ND. Secondly, if anxiety and depression is diagnosed and antidepressants prescribed then that is often a further problem because SSRIs usually make symptoms of ADHD worse. It’s something to consider if he is not responding to meds or therapy.

I've had depression and severe anxiety but still pulled my weight.
Doing chores,cooking,working 12 hour days when I couldn't travel or drive.
It's not an excuse to be lazy.I think you have helped him too much which increases his anxiety as he feels he needs you.
Can't you tell him the chores are his responsibility.
He has to contribute in some way.
I feel sorry for you it is not easy.

It seems like you are drowning in the sea, struggling to keep afloat, and he has wrapped his arms around your neck, coasting with no bother, and is just another weight.

its not a case of leaving without a backward glance, it’s a case of self preservation (and also preserving any respect of your children.) you need to help yourself. Leave this guy.