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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH severe anxiety - don't know what to do

115 replies

Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 12:31

Really struggling at the moment. DH has severe chronic anxiety, to the point where he is now not able to work. I think he's always had a low capacity and various life events seem to have crushed him. He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years. Everything is a big deal and stressful for him- paying a bill, cooking a meal, driving - and when it comes to booking/going on holiday, going to an event, organising house maintenance etc, all hell breaks loose. He just can't cope. So I end up organising everything, trying to ensure his life is as stress free/calm as possible, trying to protect the children from his moods (they are now teens). I work and do 90% of everything else.

He has over the years been emotionally abusive, he can be very nice and kind when everything is going his way, but when anything is asked of him (however minor), or he feels under pressure, he gets angry and stressed. He has been a bit insightful sometimes and recognised that the situation isn't easy for me, but that doesn't happen very often, he's usually wrapped up in himself.

It's so hard. I am so tired of having to be the stable one. We are not emotionally close - he doesn't open up to me, and I don't bother trying any more as I am just so tired of the whole situation. I don't feel emotionally safe with him as I never know how his mood is going to be. He's had endless amounts of therapy and is on anti depressants - none of it seems to work.

I'm currently going to a therapist to try to clarify my thoughts. I feel devastated at the thought of breaking up the family, my children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this. The money side of things would be so difficult too. It would be such an upheaval.

I find myself wishing that he was horrible all the time instead of being horrible/stressed sometimes and nice sometimes - it would make a decision easier. Or if I thought it was intentional, but I know it's all based on his anxiety. If he had an affair, I really don't think I would mind, as again, it would make a decision easier. I know he loves the children so much and he says he loves me too. I feel like I love him, but I am really struggling to live like this - no emotional connection or support, no practical help in the house or garden, no similar goals or future plans.

Has anyone stayed with a DH with severe anxiety long term - does it get easier or worse? If you left, how did you cope with the guilt and feeling sorry for them? I know he is a really good guy at heart which is what makes it all so much more difficult.

OP posts:
Biscuitburglar · 05/10/2023 20:45

I wonder if a trial separation might be an easier next step? It would give you some breathing space and room to think about your own needs and the future without feeling or necessarily being so final.

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 20:53

Stuckandunhappy · 05/10/2023 20:42

@Icewatermelon I am in a very similar situation and on top of his mental health and anxiety issues my husband also has a serious chronic illness. For many years I have tried to keep it going for our kids' sake but have recently realise that we have finally come to the end of the road. A lot has happened in the last couple of years to make me feel this way, but the last straw for me aaz being diagnosed with a chronic illness myself (early stages), most likely brought on by stress, although of course that's not certain.

Please do yourself a favour and end this misery before it makes you ill as well. I worry how my kids will take this but at the same time this is setting them a dreadful example of marriage and relationships. They deserve better, I deserve better and so do you.

So sorry to hear this. I hope you are ok and that your illness can be managed. I can't deny I have been worried about the effect of this stress on my health - I have been being palpitations, headaches, body pains and sweats due to this stress.

Yes, our kids deserve better and so do we.

OP posts:
Mmhmmn · 05/10/2023 21:09

@Pinkglobelamp I'm in the process of trying to burn this into my consciousness

"the main thing about boundaries is that you are entitled to have your needs and state your limits IRRESPECTIVE of the other person's reasons for ignoring them.

CollagenQueen · 05/10/2023 21:15

I always think that when you don't know what to do, you should imagine that there are 2 options. So, let's say here :

A) Stay with him. Kids grow up and leave home. You have a looooong retirement together, probably not doing much, everything centred around his "needs". Then you die.

or

B) You leave him. Causes a bit of short term upset. Kids grow up and leave home. You find love with another man. You retire with him, and have a very active time going on holidays etc, he has no mental health problems at all and supports you, actually sees you as a woman, tends to your needs. Good sex life together. Then you die.

You tell a friend that they have to choose for you : what would you secretly be hoping that they pick - A or B?

(Long story short - can you really spend your retirement with this muppet?)

ThisWormHasTurned · 05/10/2023 21:59

Ohhhhh mine was like this. Not in the early days. In the early days he was a happy go lucky, easy guy. But it started early on. The anxiety. The depression. Zoning out. Not helping at home. He did always keep working but it reached a point where we were in separate bedrooms, he rejected all sexual advances so in the end I stopped. Weekends he was always too tired to engage, he just wanted to game and drink. Any time there was a social activity he’d bow out. Loved it when we had a dog ‘I’ll just stay home with the dog’.
Nothing helped his anxiety and depression. Not meds, counselling, relationship counselling. I was on anti-depressants and having individual counselling just to support him. He’d complain they wanted to delve into his childhood (toxic parents). Unresolved trauma in retrospect. He’d do one or two sessions then quit.
It was only when two friends (who never had contact with each other) both commented that his behaviour was controlling that I saw him for what he truly was - emotionally abusive. I was vulnerable because I’m neuro-divergent and have some past trauma. I spent a week in a daze ‘Am I in an abusive relationship?’. I had no idea. I just thought he was nice at times and sometimes difficult. It was like glass shattering around me. I got my ducks in a row and eventually I did end it. He tried all sorts of manipulation tricks. Genuinely, he spent two days doing what I can only describe as ‘crying at me’. He met someone new…the day after he moved out 🤷🏻‍♀️
About the kids..DD (10 yo) was upset to start with. Wanted things to go back to ‘normal’. But she says now (some time on) she says that she is much happier at home. She actually gets more time with her Dad because he’s more engaged when she’s there…although I suspect she won’t actually see him much when she’s old enough to chose. She says he’s very strict and no fun!
Sorry this is long but in essence, breaking free was the best thing I could have done for me and DD.

HowDoesThisWorkPlease · 05/10/2023 22:15

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/10/2023 20:18

Children are programmed to love their parents, no matter how crap they actually are. I do not think your kids would be either blindsided nor devastated if you were to leave their dad because he’s no father to them either and you've basically replicated your parents own rubbish marriage. What you’re showing them as well is, currently at least, this treatment of you is acceptable to you. It’s also in your mother’s interest to keep you in this hole that you’ve dug for yourself along with growing flowers in it. She does not have to look at her own actions and choices then.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It must be something so what is it?. Can you quantify?. My guess is you cannot.

Look carefully at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the rubbish through counselling for your own self.

Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship, let alone a marriage, like yours?. No you would not, you would want better for them. Be tired of being the person who in your marriage least matters.

This

You and the DC will be happier if you separate.

Meh is choosing everyday to not control his MH. He is choosing to be a poor husband and parent

Original poster
Icewatermelon · 05/10/2023 22:48

ThisWormHasTurned · 05/10/2023 21:59

Ohhhhh mine was like this. Not in the early days. In the early days he was a happy go lucky, easy guy. But it started early on. The anxiety. The depression. Zoning out. Not helping at home. He did always keep working but it reached a point where we were in separate bedrooms, he rejected all sexual advances so in the end I stopped. Weekends he was always too tired to engage, he just wanted to game and drink. Any time there was a social activity he’d bow out. Loved it when we had a dog ‘I’ll just stay home with the dog’.
Nothing helped his anxiety and depression. Not meds, counselling, relationship counselling. I was on anti-depressants and having individual counselling just to support him. He’d complain they wanted to delve into his childhood (toxic parents). Unresolved trauma in retrospect. He’d do one or two sessions then quit.
It was only when two friends (who never had contact with each other) both commented that his behaviour was controlling that I saw him for what he truly was - emotionally abusive. I was vulnerable because I’m neuro-divergent and have some past trauma. I spent a week in a daze ‘Am I in an abusive relationship?’. I had no idea. I just thought he was nice at times and sometimes difficult. It was like glass shattering around me. I got my ducks in a row and eventually I did end it. He tried all sorts of manipulation tricks. Genuinely, he spent two days doing what I can only describe as ‘crying at me’. He met someone new…the day after he moved out 🤷🏻‍♀️
About the kids..DD (10 yo) was upset to start with. Wanted things to go back to ‘normal’. But she says now (some time on) she says that she is much happier at home. She actually gets more time with her Dad because he’s more engaged when she’s there…although I suspect she won’t actually see him much when she’s old enough to chose. She says he’s very strict and no fun!
Sorry this is long but in essence, breaking free was the best thing I could have done for me and DD.

Wow - that all sounds so similar. In the early days I thought my DH was relaxed and chilled, but then it all changed in a very similar way to how you describe.

I'm glad to hear that breaking free of the relationship was the best thing that you could have done and that your DD is happier at home now 😊

OP posts:
Inauthentic · 06/10/2023 04:44

When you leave him he'll be fine. He'll surprise you. He'll magically be able to do things for himself, I'm sure of it.
In any case, he wouldn't be your responsibility anymore

I agree. I know/knew similar dynamic of co-dependent relationships and it's unbelievable how enabled men become once wife/girlfriend leaves the relationship.
After years of unemployment they can magically find job, etc.

LizzyLongbow · 06/10/2023 05:17

Such fantastic advice on this thread. Mumsnet at its best.

OP I wish you well and I'm sure you will find the strength to make your life a good one going forward.

Wakemeup17 · 06/10/2023 05:19

Oh, OP! I spent twenty years with the partner whose anxiety got progressively worse. I too had a parent who was depressed most of the time. I ended up enabling my partner to wrap up in anxiety and stress to the point I had a breakdown. I then went into therapy, dumped the partner (who magically managed to get a job to continue the lifestyle I previously provided) and everything worked out in the end. I just wasted twenty years.

KTSl1964 · 06/10/2023 06:29

Being depressed and anxious doesn’t make you passive aggressive which he sounds. He has a diagnosis of depression and anxiety - he is on medication to stabilise this I assume therefore his mood and levels of anxiety should have lifted. Therefore using the terminally ‘he’s depressed” isn’t helpful I’d say for you.
Whats he like as a father? Does he talk to the children at all - is he loving?
He’s gone out? Where? You need family therapy through the nhs is you can get it,. He can do household chores - he chooses not too and you have enabled him to help him but it’s not right.
Is he to anxious and depressed to have sex?
Hes able to do his hobbies.
He sounds deeply unpleasant.
Has he sought counselling for himself.
Hes happy to play’the sick role”
I have no sympathy.
Keep going with the therapy for you - you don’t need to do anything yet.
He could turn very nasty - given he likes and gets his own way and he’s passive aggressive. You need to plan it. 🌺

Dery · 06/10/2023 07:52

@Icewatermelon - you had a bad relationship model in your parents’ marriage. You normalised that the mother slaves and works herself into the ground whilst the father is relieved from practically all adulting and gets to spend his days engaged in leisure activities like a small child (though for small children, play is their job and how the learn).

Please don’t teach your children that this is how marriage works. Of course you care about your H; you loved him enough once to have a family with him. But you’re just enabling him now. It’s bad for him (therapy doesn’t work because he doesn’t want it to work: this set up is very comfortable for him but also very limited) but it’s worse for you and your DCs.

He has no motivation to change because you’re enabling him to remain as he is. That was understandable as you were just trying to make family life work but it doesn’t work and it will hurt your DCs more to learn that this is how marriage works than it will for you to live separately.

Cascais · 06/10/2023 07:58

He changes or you leave

validusernameagain · 06/10/2023 08:38

Anxiety is an awful condition but its symptoms don't include laziness and selfishness.

The big question is, what would he do if you weren't there? He would have to find away to survive, to cook his own meals, pay his bills etc. He doesn't have to do these things (or even try) because he knows you'll do it. It's an awful situation for you to be in and not something I'd want to spend the rest of my life doing. ☹️

ThisWormHasTurned · 06/10/2023 09:25

validusernameagain · 06/10/2023 08:38

Anxiety is an awful condition but its symptoms don't include laziness and selfishness.

The big question is, what would he do if you weren't there? He would have to find away to survive, to cook his own meals, pay his bills etc. He doesn't have to do these things (or even try) because he knows you'll do it. It's an awful situation for you to be in and not something I'd want to spend the rest of my life doing. ☹️

Not sure about her H but mine lived off pizzas for a few weeks until he found another woman (victim) to take care of him instead!

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