DH severe anxiety - don't know what to do

[Icewatermelon]

Really struggling at the moment. DH has severe chronic anxiety, to the point where he is now not able to work. I think he's always had a low capacity and various life events seem to have crushed him. He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years. Everything is a big deal and stressful for him- paying a bill, cooking a meal, driving - and when it comes to booking/going on holiday, going to an event, organising house maintenance etc, all hell breaks loose. He just can't cope. So I end up organising everything, trying to ensure his life is as stress free/calm as possible, trying to protect the children from his moods (they are now teens). I work and do 90% of everything else.

He has over the years been emotionally abusive, he can be very nice and kind when everything is going his way, but when anything is asked of him (however minor), or he feels under pressure, he gets angry and stressed. He has been a bit insightful sometimes and recognised that the situation isn't easy for me, but that doesn't happen very often, he's usually wrapped up in himself.

It's so hard. I am so tired of having to be the stable one. We are not emotionally close - he doesn't open up to me, and I don't bother trying any more as I am just so tired of the whole situation. I don't feel emotionally safe with him as I never know how his mood is going to be. He's had endless amounts of therapy and is on anti depressants - none of it seems to work.

I'm currently going to a therapist to try to clarify my thoughts. I feel devastated at the thought of breaking up the family, my children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this. The money side of things would be so difficult too. It would be such an upheaval.

I find myself wishing that he was horrible all the time instead of being horrible/stressed sometimes and nice sometimes - it would make a decision easier. Or if I thought it was intentional, but I know it's all based on his anxiety. If he had an affair, I really don't think I would mind, as again, it would make a decision easier. I know he loves the children so much and he says he loves me too. I feel like I love him, but I am really struggling to live like this - no emotional connection or support, no practical help in the house or garden, no similar goals or future plans.

Has anyone stayed with a DH with severe anxiety long term - does it get easier or worse? If you left, how did you cope with the guilt and feeling sorry for them? I know he is a really good guy at heart which is what makes it all so much more difficult.

@Bearsinmotion thank you for sharing your story, that's really inspiring. I'm so glad you are enjoying life more now you are no longer with your DH.

Why on earth do you think your children will be upset if you split up?

That atmosphere isn't just affecting you, but your dc as well. I strongly suspect that, although they'd probably be upset anyway, they would understand your reasons if you do decide that enough is enough.

Has it occurred to you that your mother wants you to follow her example and stay because it validates her own life choices? You leaving and having a happy life on your own would raise questions of why she didn't do that same. She is not a helpful source of advice; she has skin in the game for you to stay and put up with it.

My children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this

Of course they know something is wrong. Even young children know when things are not right in their family, less alone teenagers. They must have friends, cousins, see other family dynamics in action ,how can they not know yours is dysfunctional? That other fathers don't behave like theirs? Just because he's always been that way doesn't mean they are happy about it. Maybe they aren't saying anything because they think there is no point and nothing will change precisely because "it's always been like this". But yes, maybe they will be sad for a while, (maybe they won't, perhaps they will be relieved). But as a loving mother can support and guide them through a split.

I've seen too many people like your husband play the 'can't cope, too depressed to move' card for years and miraculously acquire life management skills when finally forced to take responsibility. Certainly none ended up living in squalor as hermits. It's like morbidly obese people who lose weight once their 'feeder' leaves.

I'm in my 50's, there is no way I'd waste the rest of my life on someone like your husband who's clearly not even trying to get better or treat you and the kids with love and respect.

And try not to give in to the pointless 'guilt' trap which is holding you back from leaving - you are not deliberately trying to hurt him (one could argue he is doing that to you though), it's just what you need to do. You have every right to be happy.

Because they love him, he's their dad

I'm going to get shot down in flames for this but maybe have his testosterone levels checked www.nhs.uk/conditions/male-menopause/ cue MN pile on!

He's nothing more than a parasite, draining the very life out of you.

You can be a martyr, stay with him and convince yourself it's for the kids.

But don't expect them to thank you - my sister and I saw exactly what was going on between my parents, and them splitting was such a relief.

Low testosterone doesn't cause utter selfishness and a strange ability to be completely unable to do any housework while simultaneously being able to enjoy hobbies with great avidity.

Investment - you’ve invested a lot in him. Hard to admit you made a shoddy investment so you’re always hoping it might turn round

OP, I wonder if he actually has severe anxiety. Does his anxiety stop him from doing the things he likes, or just the boring, life drudgery stuff? Has he ever had a panic attack?

I just sounds neurotic to me - a flustered, huffy, Drama King. The the type of person who just throws their hands in the air as soon as they encounter anything remotely challenging that actually requires thought or work, or anything they can't control 100%.

They co-opt you into being a personal assistant for them. So many women get trapped into doing this. They don't have a choice other than to watch everything around them being done chaotically, or badly, or living in someone else's bad mood. The only way out for them is to leave as it's usually their husband who won't compromise. They've become used to, almost angrily entailed to this personal assistance from their poor wives.

He sounds like a lazy, selfish dickhead. I wouldn't waste another second of my precious life on him if I were you.

So, he doesn’t work and therefore doesn’t contribute financially. He doesn’t look after the children. He doesn’t do housework. He doesn’t make you feel loved. You don’t have a sex life.

This is not a temporary state of affairs but has been going on for what? 2 decades?

In the nicest way possible, relationships are, overall, supposed to make our lives richer, better, more joyful and more loving. Yes, there are hard times. But overall there is supposed to be a net contribution.

I honestly don’t understand why you’re with him. Get a divorce. Allow yourself to be happy and free.

With the greatest of respect, your husband needs to be re‐assessed by psychiatry because clearly his medication is not working. The psychiatrist needs to be made aware that your husband's closest relationships are in danger of breakdown. My experience of severe anxiety is that it very much impacts on my day to day functioning. All of the tension is held in my body which is exhsusting and constant thinking can be paralysing. Possibly your husband might benefit from either/and/ or CPN or support worker ( could the latter be made available from use of his disability benefits?) You could discuss and attempt to agree with him a very few tasks (to begin with) which he will take responsibility for. These could be marked up on a whiteboard and ticked off by him if he is successful in achieving. Sorry but he will need a lot of positive reinforcement if he is to succeed.

It is never going to get better. And it now so you have some time to be yourself.

Children are programmed to love their parents, no matter how crap they actually are. I do not think your kids would be either blindsided nor devastated if you were to leave their dad because he’s no father to them either and you've basically replicated your parents own rubbish marriage. What you’re showing them as well is, currently at least, this treatment of you is acceptable to you. It’s also in your mother’s interest to keep you in this hole that you’ve dug for yourself along with growing flowers in it. She does not have to look at her own actions and choices then.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It must be something so what is it?. Can you quantify?. My guess is you cannot.

Look carefully at what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up and unlearn the rubbish through counselling for your own self.

Would you want your kids as adults to have a relationship, let alone a marriage, like yours?. No you would not, you would want better for them. Be tired of being the person who in your marriage least matters.

It sounds grim to be honest. A friend of mine has this problem with his wife. Always Ill, never worked, one drama after another. He has ruined his life with her and you are doing the same.

DP has pretty severe anxiety after more life stuff than you could shake a stick at, but he still gets stuff done - keeps going, work, bits of house stuff (!), life admin.

I've also had bad anxiety at times post-life disaster and been off work for short periods but always got back to it. Fair enough if your DH was doing household stuff instead of working but he's just letting you carry all the responsbilities of the family entirely on your shoulders. So he's not keeping up his end of the marriage. What is he actually contributing to your life?

It's OK to leave if you have had enough, OP. You weren't put on earth to enable and support him at the expense of your own sanity. Trust yourself if you know you have had enough. Mums often tell us to stick with what they think is the safest option even if it's intolerable - but your mum isn't you, you're not her, and you don't have to repeat her life choices.

I was in a relationship with a man with a mental health condition and, like you might be doing, I felt for many years that it was my responsibility, my duty, to care for him as his inability to be there for me, to participate fully, to do his share, his moods and needs, were not his fault.

Then one day someone explained to me the main thing about boundaries is that you are entitled to have your needs and state your limits IRRESPECTIVE of the other person's reasons for ignoring them.

It's so simple, yey it changed my life.

Now ex partner and I co-parent and he has actually, in the six years since we split up, become more capable and independent and mentally well.

So, it is possible! It's really hard, I feel guilty now I'm happy in a new relationship and he's missing me, but it's an upward curve.

@AttilaTheMeerkat" What are you getting out of this relationship now?"

I wanted to be a family unit. Parents together for the children.

Personally, what am I getting? I've been thinking about this. I've realised that I like the fact that he is there at night, it feels like a bit of security, for example if I hear a noise and am worried about burglars or something. But then if I'm honest that could be any man, and actually I am fine on my own once I get my head round it.

I also thought recently, oh well, he is always there, someone who I can always go out with, go for coffee or a drink with, family gatherings, weddings etc. There seems to be some security in showing up at these things as a couple. But recently I haven't even wanted to do that. I can't actually be bothered to make conversation with him as I am always the one putting in all the effort

No, I don't think that there is anything I am personally getting out of the relationship.

I guess whatever his "label" the point is if I can live with these behaviours or not.
None of it has worked.
Yes, completely agree about the label. Whatever the reason, what he is doing is affecting you and your children, and he has shown little inclination to change.
Therapy and any kind of treatment is not something that is done to you - it is an active process where you have to make changes and dig deep to find your motivation to do so. For many people, what makes this work is the impact on their family. If he knows this and is ignoring it, it does not look good.
On another note, not only are your children seeing what relationships look like from what they witness, they are also around lots of ideas about how to behave in the world which tells them not to take any responsibility for anything. Are these examples you want them to follow?

So if you are not getting anything out of this relationship why remain within it?. Set yourself free.

You only need to give your own self permission to leave.

@Pinkglobelamp yes I totally relate, I feel like it's my responsibility and duty to care for him, and it's not his fault he can't do the same for me.

"Then one day someone explained to me the main thing about boundaries is that you are entitled to have your needs and state your limits IRRESPECTIVE of the other person's reasons for ignoring them."

That's eye opening. Whenever in the past I have stated my needs and limits, it has been met with anger/hurt from my DH so I have backed down, and felt ashamed for even mentioning them. So I haven't mentioned my own needs for a couple of years - it was pointless.

So glad to hear you are now happy in a new relationship and your ex has become more capable and mentally well.

And although ND people can find many things challenging, they are capable of love and caring and kindness to others. Which he does not sound like he can do.

@Icewatermelon I am in a very similar situation and on top of his mental health and anxiety issues my husband also has a serious chronic illness. For many years I have tried to keep it going for our kids' sake but have recently realise that we have finally come to the end of the road. A lot has happened in the last couple of years to make me feel this way, but the last straw for me aaz being diagnosed with a chronic illness myself (early stages), most likely brought on by stress, although of course that's not certain.

Please do yourself a favour and end this misery before it makes you ill as well. I worry how my kids will take this but at the same time this is setting them a dreadful example of marriage and relationships. They deserve better, I deserve better and so do you.