DH severe anxiety - don't know what to do

[Icewatermelon]

Really struggling at the moment. DH has severe chronic anxiety, to the point where he is now not able to work. I think he's always had a low capacity and various life events seem to have crushed him. He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years. Everything is a big deal and stressful for him- paying a bill, cooking a meal, driving - and when it comes to booking/going on holiday, going to an event, organising house maintenance etc, all hell breaks loose. He just can't cope. So I end up organising everything, trying to ensure his life is as stress free/calm as possible, trying to protect the children from his moods (they are now teens). I work and do 90% of everything else.

He has over the years been emotionally abusive, he can be very nice and kind when everything is going his way, but when anything is asked of him (however minor), or he feels under pressure, he gets angry and stressed. He has been a bit insightful sometimes and recognised that the situation isn't easy for me, but that doesn't happen very often, he's usually wrapped up in himself.

It's so hard. I am so tired of having to be the stable one. We are not emotionally close - he doesn't open up to me, and I don't bother trying any more as I am just so tired of the whole situation. I don't feel emotionally safe with him as I never know how his mood is going to be. He's had endless amounts of therapy and is on anti depressants - none of it seems to work.

I'm currently going to a therapist to try to clarify my thoughts. I feel devastated at the thought of breaking up the family, my children I know would be so upset. I'm not sure if they think anything is wrong as DH has always been like this. The money side of things would be so difficult too. It would be such an upheaval.

I find myself wishing that he was horrible all the time instead of being horrible/stressed sometimes and nice sometimes - it would make a decision easier. Or if I thought it was intentional, but I know it's all based on his anxiety. If he had an affair, I really don't think I would mind, as again, it would make a decision easier. I know he loves the children so much and he says he loves me too. I feel like I love him, but I am really struggling to live like this - no emotional connection or support, no practical help in the house or garden, no similar goals or future plans.

Has anyone stayed with a DH with severe anxiety long term - does it get easier or worse? If you left, how did you cope with the guilt and feeling sorry for them? I know he is a really good guy at heart which is what makes it all so much more difficult.

Your mother is a martyr. There are no prizes for being a martyr.

You do not have to sacrifice yourself on the altar of 'for better or worse'. You don't have to spend your life bending over backwards to make this man's life tolerable when he makes no effort whatsoever to do likewise.

I read a saying on here somewhere recently and it went something like "Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm", and perhaps the time has come to start looking after your own mental health.

He might have anxiety, but he’s got a severe case of dick.

You’re being mugged off. He’s not a good person.

Bin.

I echo the PP's. I have anxiety and it has been severe before and I've still managed to work, not perfectly but did it, look after a child and do life admin. My DH has had some tough times with me and my anxiety but it's not been constant and I've had to fight to stop him shouldering it so much.

This is all so familiar @Icewatermelon My 'd'h also has anxiety and depression, which obviously I wish he didn't have, but yes he absolutely plays on it and will flounce into the kitchen and grab his box of meds when he feels he needs to make a point. I am miserable with it all, and am making plans to leave, but of course it's all my fault and everyone's unhappiness is down to me. Well maybe if he didn't laze around on the sofa inflicting Talk Sport on us every night, or if he didn't lie in bed every morning while me and the kids whizz around getting ourselves ready to go out, or if he would brush his stinking teeth, I might be slightly happier.

Like you, I went to a counsellor a few years ago, just to find out if indeed this was all my fault, or if this was normal life. And shockingly to me, she said no, this is not in any way normal. Then when I told dh I wanted us to go to counselling together and told him I had been for my own counselling first, oh it was the biggest betrayal in the world. How dare I go and discuss our relationship with a stranger instead of him?? Er, because he you would have told me everything is fine!!!!! I have been like you OP and have allowed him to be like he is. I do everything, I remember everything, I keep it all running for me and the kids and he makes no contribution whatsoever. The occasional washing up and putting the bin out, but that is it.

I too wish mine would have an affair. In fact, I've recently caught him looking up online hook ups, and when I confronted him, his response was "well what do you expect?!" So our dead sex life is also my fault. Funny how I'm not overwhelmed with passion when he's sprawled out on the sofa with a pot noodle or disappearing off for nights out without saying a word. And yes, he is letting the kids down. A few months ago he went off on a night out while I was waiting for a call back from 111 for ds15 when he had a severe allergic reaction, knowing that if we had to go to hospital I would have to take ds11 or find someone to watch him. He's hardly been to any school event, but when he does come to a parent's evening suddenly it's father of the year act. Or at home if he does start a conversation with the boys he'll talk to them like a distant uncle, so unnatural and forced.

I think fear of how your kids will be is holding you back. Me too. I know it will be best for them to have a happier mum, but the fear of what happens to dad, it's kind of overwhelming in terms of making a decision. Both me and you know what we need to do. It will be hard and it will be awful, but so is staying how we are forever. I understand your dilemma completely

I'm not claiming to be an expert and don't want to be dismissive of A&D, but I thought depressed people had no joy in anything in life, struggling to get out of bed etc. From a lay perspective he doesn't sound depressed. The fact he was diagnosed with it by a health professional who's job it is to label people as such, is not surprising..
It can't be disproved can it? If he says he is...and says the right things...voila!

What is the atmosphere like when it is just you and the kids together? Freer? Lighter?

It isn't anxiety. It is him being a selfish idiot. What is he bringing to the marriage?

Understand not wanting to upset the kids but you need to think of yourself at some stage.

I'm guessing you haven't had sex for a very, very long time.

@GeorgeTheFirst It is for me, 100%. I'm sure it's the same for OP too.

Do not worry about him. He is an adult.
Exp managed after some years to become a more capable adult
Only by my leaving, did he do something to get better himself , takes meds etc
(Is still a d*ck but clearly is much better than before )

He is destroying you. You need to separate.

He sounds like a lazy bullying slob ! Not fair on you at all

And step away from the sunk cost fallacy - 'but we spent so many years together, I invested so much care and time into the relationship, that will all be wasted ...'

No. That's the past. That time is spent, gone. You have your children out of it.

What you also have is your future and the time you have left to spend it in the way that would make you happy.

You're mourning after something that's long gone and that's unhealthy, hence the alcohol and thoughts of antidepressents.

Turn that energy to the future, to the new.

He's early 50s and spends all day lying on the sofa or doing hobbies. He's never done any housework or gardening. He's been like this ever since I've known him, but it's got worse over the past few years.

He doesn't sound anxious. He sounds like a lazy, abusive dickhead.

You'd be much better off without him. This is your life too, you know, and you deserve to be happy.

Women are not rehab centres for men

I have anxiety and depression but even when it was at it's worse and I had a breakdown and was agoraphobic and couldn't find joy in anything, I was still a decent person to my OH and family. I still did chores (but did need to be prompted) and I worked hard to get as well as I could.

You don't just sit around and let someone else take care of everything for you.

You have to find a way of contributing to the relationship and household. That may mean not working - so you do housework or your find other ways of supporting the OH that is bearing more than a fair share of the load.

You be grateful and appreciate and you try your hardest to get well by engaging with the GP, medication and therapy.

Your DH sounds like he is taking you for an utter mug and is happy being coddled so when you protest or show any sign of changing things, he beats you down verbally and pulls out excuses.

Don't let him. He can buck up or f*ck off. You are NOT a mug. You've done enough. You ARE enough.

Anyone who's been crying over their relationship for a year needs to get out of it, OP.

He can be nice to them too, but to be honest doesn't interact with them much.

Do you really think they'd be happier if you all stayed together? I think you and the children would feel amazing if you separated.

My ex DP was similar, with anxiety triggered by OCD. He also treated me and the DC very badly but it wasn’t until I was some distance away from the relationship that I really understood that. I remember posting on here about how it was horrible but he was ill so it wasn’t his fault and got a particularly memorable response from one poster that also had OCD along the lines of “You can have OCD and not be a twat. And you can also have OCD and be a twat. And I think he is the latter.”

It was incredibly hard to leave, and there was (and is!) a lot of guilt. Three years on he is not in a very good place, but he is still working and getting on. He’s still also blaming me for everything, before, during and after we broke up.

BUT, I and the kids are in a much better place. They’re no longer walking on egg shells, or forbidden from random activities that daddy deemed dangerous that made no sense to them, or waiting for us to fight over some perceived slight that triggered his anxiety. I also find that being a single parent with a full time job, managing all
the logistics and mental load that brings is still way easier than being part of a “couple” where I was still doing all the work plus effectively being a carer for him.

I have come off anti depressants, lost weight, rarely drink and have a new job I would just not have had the mental capacity for if I was still with him. It’s not easy by any stretch but I enjoy life so much more and am a much better parent than I was. And while I don’t think the children really understand what happened and are sometimes sad that daddy only sees them once or twice a month they have so much more freedom than they did to just be children.

Good luck OP. I hope this thread shows you that life doesn’t have to be this way and you do have options.

If hes neurodiverse, have you considered PDA? His responses fit that profile. Worth some reading. I suffer from severe anxiety but I don't treat people like that.

That sort of anxiety seems to be more common. I've begun feeling like that myself over the last few years. This country is overcrowded, the countryside is being ruined by endless new estates, and the traffic is absolutely horrendous. We weren't meant to live like this. There are just too many people, and it's driving us all insane.

That said, I agree with other posters. People often experience genuine anxiety or depression, then use it as an excuse not to do anything at all. Interesting that he's still able to do his hobbies though! He obviously doesn't allow anxiety to spoil them. He won't change, I'm afraid. People don't. A selfish, self-pitying middle-aged man with anxiety and depression isn't going to morph into a joyful and supportive husband.

Absolutely this.

You poor woman.

You hardly want such complete self sacrifice in your childrens future?

I love my husband dearly, but my children come first.

There is no way I would have them witness to such a complete lack of taking any responsibility for himself long term.

This is a very comfortable self serving lifestyle that he happily controls.

His anger conveniently controls you.

I am married 30 years, but I certainly never once thought my vows involved your level of sacrifice.

Not a chance.

You and your children have been sold very short.

I really hope you gain some clarity.

Don't listen to your mother, for goodness sake, at least your father left.

Your husband isn't going anywhere.

He has lived his life answering to no one.

Your children will be well aware of what a selfish man he is.

Good men try and help themselves, not absolve themselves of any responsibility for their families.

All the therapy won't work while you're still doing everything for him. Anxiety gets worse rather than better when it's accommodated (ie the person never gets the chance to find out that actually they can cope). I would go for a trial separation and see what that short sharp shock does for him. Or maybe behavioural couples therapy (NOT counselling)

You have ONE life to live.

Do you honestly think, that you were put on this Earth to pander to this lazy, middle aged snowflake?

Why are you martyring yourself like this? Why are your needs so low down? Why aren't you worthy of any consideration in all of this?

I suspect it's just gone on for so long, that you can't imagine a way out?

Look at it this way, if you met him tomorrow, in his current state, would you want to walk down the aisle with him?

There's nothing in this for you now. He has moved the goal posts so much, that you can't even see them anymore, they're not even on the field.

He doesn't care for you, in fact quite the opposite, he's quite happy watching you run yourself in to the ground, as long as he can watch from the sofa.

My Dad was like this in his senior years. My Mum didn't like him anymore, but didn't leave him. She is dead now, and I'm still so sad that her retirement was spent at home with him, instead of jetting around the world with a man who gave two fucks about her.

On to your Mum and her opinion - ignore it! She can't see the wood for the trees.

When I said I was leaving my first H, everyone was against it. I remember my parents being aghast and saying "but you can't". Well, I did it anyway, and then when I met DH, they loved him! People just don't like change.

My first H did nothing around the house - left it all to me. Guess what, when I wasn't there, he had to step up and actually do it!

Start looking at the finances. Start imagining a life without this joy sucker.

If you don't leave now, you're just getting older and older. Do you want to spend your retirement with this man child? Watch all your friends having holidays etc, whilst you're stuck at home with this dynamo?

@MissInterpretation I relate to a lot of what you have said about your DH too - I'm sorry you're in a similar position, it's so hard. It sounds like everything revolves around your DH and his mental health and self centred needs which is the same as my DH. My DH is also like a distant uncle with the kids, I've often thought he is in that role in our family, he's there physically but not mentally engaged. He doesn't give much - mentally, emotionally, practically or physically - he takes.

We've actually had marriage counselling on two separate occasions. Each time, the counsellor reflected to him that my DH shut me down when I was talking and the session was always dominated by him and his mental health problems. He did gain a bit of insight whilst we were having the counselling but as soon as the sessions finished he was back to his usual ways. So I have no hope really for any more counselling. I have left no stone unturned in our relationship - I've tried everything I could think of to improve things and nothing has worked.

You're right, it is the fear of how splitting up will affect the children which is holding me back. I just think they will be blindsided and devastated. But I can't carry on like this, and maybe their reaction won't be as bad as I fear. Sending you all the best, and yes I think we both know what we need to do.

PS. I know it's not meant to be funny but your description of your DH sprawled on the sofa with a pot noodle whilst expecting you to be overwhelmed with passion did make me laugh 🤣

Definitely. He's actually gone out this evening for the first time in weeks and my whole body feels more relaxed and freer and lighter. The atmosphere changes when he's not around. It's like my mind is in conflict with the different options of what i should do but if I listen to my intuition and my body, the answer is clear.

Ha ha.... how did you guess?!