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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DP won't make joint decisions

124 replies

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:18

Basically just that. We have been together for four years and while I love being with him and we are in love and get on great, he absolutely won't make joint decisions.

This is basically on everything.

Where we live, finances, what car we have. Everything. So when we decided a couple of years ago that we wanted a "joint" life, we discussed what we wanted but then he just does completely different things.

So for example, we might agree we will like in Berkshire and I'll arrange my work around Berkshire and then out of the blue he'll say "I have just gotten a job in Kent!".

He has done this with everything. He doesn't tell me he wants the thing, he doesn't discuss it, he doesn't consider me. He literally just does it and then tries to persuade me afterwards that what he's done is a good idea.

This worked the first few times, and now he's done it again and I feel very depressed and disappointed.

I think he has a kind of psychological block on the concept of a "joint" life choices process, but he wants to live a joint life (where I just keep adjusting my own life around him).

What to do?

OP posts:

smartiesnskittles · 04/10/2023 18:19

Right. So he has no respect for you. I couldn't stay with a man as selfish as this.

Readingineading · 04/10/2023 18:22

Its not a psychological block, he only considers himself. Selfish and self centred people rarely change.

SmokedCheese · 04/10/2023 18:22

Don’t adjust to his last minute changes, just stick with the original decision

Original poster

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:24

So what this is , is selfishness?

It's confusing because he's otherwise not selfish day to day.

He just seems to think I don't get a say!

OP posts:

Fidgety31 · 04/10/2023 18:27

Why are you agreeing with his ideas though ?
he seems to think he walk all over you and you’re letting him

GrumpyPanda · 04/10/2023 18:28

What you do is you simply don't go along with it. Just tell him great news about his job, is he planning to do a daily commute to Kent? He can always rescind his acceptance.

SpringleDingle · 04/10/2023 18:29

He obviously doesn’t consider you an equal partner. He is selfish with life choices and thinks his opinion is worth so much more than yours that he doesn’t even bother to ask you. You need to stand your ground every time he does this and you need to not change your plans to match what he has done. Eventually this may mean you split. The only other option is that you give up your autonomy and just follow him around in the life he chooses for you both 🤢

JoinInBetty · 04/10/2023 18:30

Sounds like he doesn't want to be in a joint situation he wants to do his own thing and have you tag along

Original poster

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:34

Historically he just persuaded me it was a good idea and I just went along with it. Ultimately though, because I haven't been allowed to have a joint decision process, there are too many compromises I've made and so I feel I've missed out on a life I actually choose.

This time I have told him that I'm not moving and I'm not being in an LDR and that I dont want a relationship where I'm not involved in major life choices. He said "maybe I should just pull out of the job" but hasn't actually done it.

I think he fully expects I will just come around, but I feel really depressed that he'd even ask me to. He knows I don't want to do what he's suggesting..... so why would he even want me to do something that will make me unhappy?

I've already done that 3 or 4 times :(

OP posts:

BristolBlueGlasses · 04/10/2023 18:36

Just say no and do what you want. That's what he's doing.

hellinahandcart700 · 04/10/2023 18:40

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:34

I've already done that 3 or 4 times :(

I think you should pull out of the relationship. He's either stupid or immature. Imagine having kids with him!

MostlyHappyMummy · 04/10/2023 18:48

But his strategy works? You've always given in so of course he'll assume that will do again.

Original poster

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:53

Yes, his strategy has historically worked. I really do mean it though. If he continues with this job I'm not continuing with the relationship.

I feel like I'm in a lose / lose though.

If he goes ahead, I've lost the relationship.

If he pulls out he will resent me.

He openly admits hr should not have done it without talking to me but there's likely career consequences to pull out now.

I feel so manipulated:(

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 04/10/2023 18:55

Why is ending the relationship a loss when he doesn’t respect you?

TreePineapple · 04/10/2023 18:59

What are the career consequences? They are entirely his own fault if he’s gone through a whole application process without telling you!

Mistressanne · 04/10/2023 19:03

Well if there are career consequences then your bf may learn that he needs to communicate and compromise.
Dont be manipulated. He’s an adult he’s responsible for his choices.

Original poster

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:03

They are entirely his fault but I feel manipulated and guilt tripped. I've no idea why he does this. He says he wants me to be happy but this doesn't feel it

OP posts:

perfectcolourfound · 04/10/2023 19:04

He doesn't want a joint life, it's as simple as that. At least, not a joint life as you saw it - where you have mutual respect, make decisions together, want the other to be happy.

It seems he means, live together, get all the benefits of that, but just keep considering his own wants and needs, and expecting you'll just follow him (because his happiness is more important).

I couldn't stay with someone who had so little respect, and thought so little of my happiness. And you're right, if he pulls out of the job, he'll make you suffer for it, and it's only a matter of time before he pulls a similar stunt.

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 19:10

You've said your piece. Just wait. Let him make his decision.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 04/10/2023 19:11

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:03

They are entirely his fault but I feel manipulated and guilt tripped. I've no idea why he does this. He says he wants me to be happy but this doesn't feel it

OP, leaving this relationship is by far the best outcome.

You said in a previous post you didn't think he was selfish then described a selfish thing!

He is only concerned with himself and you either go along with it or get your own life back by getting rid of him.

HakunaMatiłda · 04/10/2023 19:14

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:03

They are entirely his fault but I feel manipulated and guilt tripped. I've no idea why he does this. He says he wants me to be happy but this doesn't feel it

He’s banking on you feeling guilty.

To be frank, it doesn’t sound like breaking up is a lose for you. He sounds like a twat who only thinks of himself.

Itcouldbeworsethanitis · 04/10/2023 19:18

My take on it isn’t that it’s about a “joint” life. I think it’s that you’re not his priority. He will always prioritise his career over your relationship. That’s never going to change sorry! Get out now while you still have time to find someone who will prioritise your relationship and you so you can have a long term happy relationship

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/10/2023 19:26

You are four yeah in with a man who is utterly selfish. It's surprising you can't see that because you give the absolute definition of selfishness above.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/10/2023 19:27

He just seems to think I don't get a say!

This is what I was referring to.

Original poster

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:30

Can people tell me how they usually handle life decisions with their partner? Particularly if there's a decision where one person wants one thing and one wants another?

He's very easygoing about small things, bit big life stuff he doesn't discuss until after he's decided.

OP posts:

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