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Original poster

DP won't make joint decisions

124 replies

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:18

Basically just that. We have been together for four years and while I love being with him and we are in love and get on great, he absolutely won't make joint decisions.

This is basically on everything.

Where we live, finances, what car we have. Everything. So when we decided a couple of years ago that we wanted a "joint" life, we discussed what we wanted but then he just does completely different things.

So for example, we might agree we will like in Berkshire and I'll arrange my work around Berkshire and then out of the blue he'll say "I have just gotten a job in Kent!".

He has done this with everything. He doesn't tell me he wants the thing, he doesn't discuss it, he doesn't consider me. He literally just does it and then tries to persuade me afterwards that what he's done is a good idea.

This worked the first few times, and now he's done it again and I feel very depressed and disappointed.

I think he has a kind of psychological block on the concept of a "joint" life choices process, but he wants to live a joint life (where I just keep adjusting my own life around him).

What to do?

OP posts:
Squiblet · 04/10/2023 20:30

I tried writing it down. He read it, profusely apologised and then tried to persuade me it was a good idea. For us.

You're way ahead of me! OK, that is absolutely infuriating. I'm going to change my advice - maybe just write "NO" on a big sheet of paper and hold it up whenever he opens his mouth

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:41

No. The four decisions he made without consulting me were not all house moves.

One was. We had agreed for a couple of years we'd move to a certain location when we moved in together. When the time came he just decided it wasn't the right decision and strongarmed me into agreement. I got used to it, and now finally settled and don't want to move again. I've joined clubs and finally made friends.

The other was him cutting back on work so we could go do wild camping. Sounds daft but it was discussed as a joint dream and we had books and maps and made plans of all these bothies. Then he suddenly announced instead of doing that he was doing a masters degree, which basically meant no trips and him working most weekends for two years.

The third was buying a holiday home. Admittedly this one was with his money, but we discussed and agreed to buy one in Spain to rent out (I work in property rental) and that We'd eventually reture there. I'm half Spanish and speak fluent Spanish so we discussed that it was a great idea. He decided instead to buy one in France. I don't want to retire to France.

So it's just felt like everything on the life path we agree on just get replaced with something else. We'd just discussed revisiting some of those plans and instead he wants us to bloody move or commute so he can do this new job.

OP posts:
MCOut · 04/10/2023 20:44

Sorry OP, I had an ex like this, very nice usually but beyond thoughtless on the decision making front.

Ultimately it is a lack of empathy, he may genuinely forget that you may have needs that don’t blindly involve fulfilling all of his. You might find that once you start asserting your opinions he remains nice to everyone else but stops being nice to you.

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:45

Sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat over the holiday home. It is his money, but it isn't where I want to go on holiday or where I want to live when I get old. I just feel you can't make a bloody life plan with someone and then just change it randomly with no discussion.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 04/10/2023 20:45

He isn't a partner he is a main character and sees you as the sidekick that goes along with his choices.
He has very little respect for you or your wants, needs or opinion.
Do what suits you for once and tell him no.

adultingforever · 04/10/2023 20:46

Have you ever heard someone say "It is easier to ask for forgiveness than it is to get permission?" This is what he is doing! He apparently doesn't know how to work with anyone else on the big stuff....

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:47

So you’ve said LDR is a no-deal and he says you can make it work, based on a decision he made without consulting you

I literally said exactly this! I said I felt like a supporting character in his life story. He said :I want you to be joint lead" but it doesn't feel like it!

OP posts:
MCOut · 04/10/2023 20:49

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:45

Sorry if I sound like a spoiled brat over the holiday home. It is his money, but it isn't where I want to go on holiday or where I want to live when I get old. I just feel you can't make a bloody life plan with someone and then just change it randomly with no discussion.

I don’t think you sound spoilt at all. He can’t just unilaterally make decisions about your lives, if he wants to have complete control he needs to be single.

Wallywobbles · 04/10/2023 21:07

I think you'll be calling time on this one soon. And he’ll be just as chilled about that decision too.

Olika · 04/10/2023 21:12

Him making all these decisions by himself and changing what you have already decided together is just too much. I would break up with him as I couldn't take such behaviour.

PermanentTemporary · 04/10/2023 21:14

God. He should definitely be the one asking for advice on how to make joint decisions. But he isn't, is he?

PaintedEgg · 04/10/2023 21:15

you feel like you're being manipulated because you are being manipulated

he is selfish - and the fact that in everyday life he may not seem like it does not mean he actually considers your opinion to be important. It may just be that he is laid back enough to not mind what take-away you order so he goes along with whatever you'd like, but when it comes to things that he wants your value as an equal partner disappears

And yes, he is fully expecting you to give in and he will probably never understand why you dumped him - because he won't even try to see things from your perspective

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/10/2023 21:16

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:47

So you’ve said LDR is a no-deal and he says you can make it work, based on a decision he made without consulting you

I literally said exactly this! I said I felt like a supporting character in his life story. He said :I want you to be joint lead" but it doesn't feel like it!

This is a perfect way to see it. The star of the show probably will get annoyed that the plot is now based on a bit player. YOU are the star of your show (and that maybe should be Gilmore Girls) rather than accepting his crumbs.

Factual, unemotional, "you know how I feel, that won't change" and keep saying it. And don't be grateful if he doesn't move.

Mmhmmn · 04/10/2023 21:23

How does a person apply for a job and do an interview etc. on a whim and without saying a thing about it to their partner?

I don't understand. These things take a lot of thought and preparation normally..? And he did all of that without telling you?

LightlySearedontheRealityGrill · 04/10/2023 21:40

Just say no, not happening, and if you ever do this to me again its over anyway. It doesn't have to be lose/lose, he may realise he is being unreasonable. See what happens next, if he changes great, but if there is anymore pushing, resenting etc then Im afraid this relationship not going to make you happy and its best over.

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 21:59

My husband sometimes does this. It's like he goes 'yes dear' basically agrees with me. Then does a complete 180 on me.

For example, discussing increasing mortgage payments, should we increase dd with mortgage co or just pay more as and when we can afford it. We agree to just pay more as and when, we speak to mortgage advisor dh says total opposite like we had never even spoken. I went mortal on him and we did it my way.

No advise I just dig my claws in when I want to. Would do my head in all the time tho.

autiebooklover · 04/10/2023 22:03

Dig your heels in. The camping and holiday home ave forgivable (only cause it's not your money tho) the others are not

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 22:10

@Mmhmmn

How does a person apply for a job and do an interview etc. on a whim and without saying a thing about it to their partner?

I don't understand. These things take a lot of thought and preparation normally..? And he did all of that without telling you?

Exactly

OP posts:
Letsbepractical · 04/10/2023 22:14

You don’t sound spoilt at all OP. If anything, it sounds like the blinkers are off now and you can see him for who he really is. I think men like him are actually a real problem: nice & supportive in many, often superficial ways; self centred deep inside. It creates cognitive dissonance: how can he be bad if he does xyz for me. I bet he sees himself as a very agreeable person.
Unfortunately, I’m in a similar position to yours. I can’t believe I fell for it.

EthicalNonMahogany · 04/10/2023 22:18

Are you sure he saw all those as real plans or as just creative discussions about what you both might like? I find it impossible to talk to my DH sometimes because he's so jumpy that something will become A Plan, he won't have space for imagining. So I could say "If we downsize, we could buy a cottage in x and a flat and look, here's how it might work for us to commute, I'd really like that". And he would say oh no and identify all the problems with it because he wouldn't want me to think he had Agreed To A Plan. I find that annoying as I like to give an idea space to breathe.

Could there be a similar disconnect, but like the opposite? You are making concrete plans. He hears you suggesting all the different things and thinks yeah what great ideas, goes along with developing them but hey, but they're not set in stone.

Also sounds like you caved the last few times which would support his assumption that you just like to talk about stuff you like but it's not a deal breaker.

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 22:20

I think ultimately my life just hasn't ended up being what I wanted.

We discussed where we'd live and now I live somewhere else. We discussed where we'd have holidays and retire to and now that's somewhere else. We discussed what our lifestyle would be (travel, prioritising scaling back) and that ended up me being basically on my own every weekend and because he was so busy with the Masters we've not been camping AT ALL. Or actually been to the holiday home.

I want him to have what he wants, but if my general life ends up being crap and disappointing and worse that I get given things to look forward to and then have a complete 180 then it's hard to be happy myself.

He's away for work at a conference. I messaged him and basically said what I've said here. That I'm not accepting it. I think he will move ahead with it anyway because he thinks he will talk me around, but he really wont this time. If our life is going to be basically HIS life with me along for the rude - I think I'd be very unhappy.

I've always been a really optimistic person and I fill my mind with happy daydreams about the future and now I feel I can't do that because he keeps moving goalposts on a whim. I love him so much, but I can't tolerate this mindset. I think it's a single man's mindset.

OP posts:
Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 22:28

@EthicalNonMahogany

Are you sure he saw all those as real plans or as just creative discussions about what you both might like?

I think they were clearly discussed future shared vision! He still claims he has the same vision, but his actions are almost like he works against it. The choices he makes generally turn out bad! Then he regrets them and says he wished he'd done what I said.

I find it impossible to talk to my DH sometimes because he's so jumpy that something will become A Plan, he won't have space for imagining. So I could say "If we downsize, we could buy a cottage in x and a flat and look, here's how it might work for us to commute, I'd really like that". And he would say oh no and identify all the problems with it because he wouldn't want me to think he had Agreed To A Plan. I find that annoying as I like to give an idea space to breathe

Yes he does this too! Discusses plans as dreams but then when we get to specifics he pokes holes in everything! He says he can't "imagine" things really and only sees life in TODAY terms so his choices aren't usually working to a goal.

Could there be a similar disconnect, but like the opposite? You are making concrete plans. He hears you suggesting all the different things and thinks yeah what great ideas, goes along with developing them but hey, but they're not set in stone

The weird thing is, he suggests them! I dont put forward plans and he pays them lip service. He actually suggests things and I say "I love this idea" and then he often does the COMPLETE OPPOSITE.

Also sounds like you caved the last few times which would support his assumption that you just like to talk about stuff you like but it's not a deal breaker

Yes, he probably thinks I will cave.

We've been arguing about this all week. He wants our life. He can't imagine living without me. It's just for a couple of years then we can move where I want. I just don't believe him anymore.

OP posts:
category12 · 04/10/2023 22:29

It is a single man's mindset. I think you need to make that happen.

How about you agree to what he says - and then just stay where you are and tell him he's single? it would only be justice.

You've got to get out of this relationship, OP - he says a lot of things, but his actions show you very very clearly he only cares about what he wants, not you.

Actions not words.

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 22:34

I'm not pretending I'm accepting it. I've told him I'm fuming he even applied without discussing it and if he proceeds with it, I'll be staying here and the relationship will be permanently over.

I'm struggling a bit with this being - really - at 42 the only truly long term relationship I've actually ever had and that it's going to end like this.

He will hugely regret it like he has ever other stupid choice I've had to live with, but he's almost like a rottweiler once he's got an idea in his head.

OP posts:
Rockingchai · 05/10/2023 07:03

Wow this discussion really resonates. So much like my recent ex. Early 50s. We loved each others company, he never minded when I had to prioritise my son or work or anything else. I loved how he seemed to ask nothing of me. However at the end of the day could not accept joint planning or any infringement on how he wanted to spend his time/make his own plans for weekends/holidays.

i think it is a fundamental lack of empathy. Genuinely could not understand how I needed to make my own plans/be certain of the new few months/the impact of his decisions on my own life. I think his previous two l-t relationships - his partners fell in with him. He was in the army, they were army wives.

9 months later I still miss him so much but it could never work. They are set in stone by this age.