DP won't make joint decisions

[SistaOfMercy]

Basically just that. We have been together for four years and while I love being with him and we are in love and get on great, he absolutely won't make joint decisions.

This is basically on everything.

Where we live, finances, what car we have. Everything. So when we decided a couple of years ago that we wanted a "joint" life, we discussed what we wanted but then he just does completely different things.

So for example, we might agree we will like in Berkshire and I'll arrange my work around Berkshire and then out of the blue he'll say "I have just gotten a job in Kent!".

He has done this with everything. He doesn't tell me he wants the thing, he doesn't discuss it, he doesn't consider me. He literally just does it and then tries to persuade me afterwards that what he's done is a good idea.

This worked the first few times, and now he's done it again and I feel very depressed and disappointed.

I think he has a kind of psychological block on the concept of a "joint" life choices process, but he wants to live a joint life (where I just keep adjusting my own life around him).

What to do?

I agree with others.

Just text saying I am not moving. Let me know what you are doing so we can make any arrangements.

& by arrangements make it clear 8 hour round trip each way is not that - more he gets any of his stuff out of your house.

Sorry you’re in this position, OP. It’s very sad. He’s been very selfish but overall it sounds like the real problem is that you’re incompatible and this has become obvious because you’re not falling into line.

You’re wanting to focus on work-life balance with wild camping and other lovely weekend plans. He’s clearly still very ambitious at work - he’s just completed a Masters and is energetically pursuing advancement in his career.

I think you mentioned upthread that you’re both early 40s. In many ways, you’re in your prime work-wise and I can see why he is so invested in that.

Neither of you are wrong in what you want but the way he has handled this is completely wrong. He isn’t ready to compromise at all on his wishes and his career to preserve your couple relationship. As you say, he makes major life decisions as if he’s single. You can’t trust him because you know he engages in major courses of action without discussing it with you. Because he knows you won’t like it but that is not enough reason for him to change course. Perhaps that’s why his first marriage broke down in the end?

He has clearly never EVER considered your wishes over anything important.

If you can live without him then I suggest you do.

I honestly don't think that's the case. I think something strange is going on psychologically because he talks a lot about good things and nice life plans and then does the opposite of what he says he wants.

It's a bit like he sabotages his life by making strange decisions in a panic. I'd be fine with it if he said he wanted to focus on his career and discussed it. The point is that he doesn't discuss it and so I can't plan my life accordingly.

He messaged this evening and said he's told them he can't accept the job. He said he didn't want to do anything if it was without me and that I deserve a life I choose. He said he wanted me to be happy, that he just doesn't think. He said he was very sorry and very ashamed of how he behaved.

I've gone away for a few days. I just felt really startled by this and dont know how to imagine it won't just carry on happening. Its happened a lot before. I feel like it's just bizarre behaviour I've not encountered before.

On an unrelated note, does anyone else get a day before their period where they can hardly move or stay awake? I've just slept all day nearly. Not sure if I'm a bit depressed or if this is peri menopause or something. I'm also hot!

WTH is happening? Well he's thrown a man sized tantrum because he's not got his own way. That's what happened.

He's also trying every way he can to get you to do what he wants, he's asked nicely, he's been aggressive, he's been the victim, he's saying sorry, he's being passive aggressive, he's gaslit you - but that all boils down to the fact he's doing it to control you. I strongly suspect this has happened throughout your relationship, but because you've given in each time, he's not had to pull out his box of controlling tricks.

I also think he's just agreed with whatever you've said, or a decision you've made, to keep you invested in the relationship, but never had any intention of doing it, and simply carries on and made his own decision. It's another form of future faking. Promise what you want and then never deliver.

Regardless of what happens now, I'd struggle to be with someone who quite clearly has no intention of ever putting you as an equal or has any say in what direction the relationship goes

Crikey, just read a load of your updates, what wild ride. He sounds slightly unhinged I’m afraid to say. I imagine it might be necessary to go through something similar with a toddler when they are having a tantrum but this is quite the performance from a grien man.

So let's have a joint discussion then. Explain how it's detrimental to you

That's interesting. As if you're not allowed to make a decision not to do something unless it's actively detrimental to you. You can't say no unless it would be harmful to you to say yes. Your opinions count for nothing. Your feelings count for nothing. As long as he knows he's not actively harming you, you should agree to whatever he says.

It's a fascinating mindset, but not one I'd want to get into a long term relationship with.

So when he said, “maybe I shall pull out of the job then”. You should have replied “Yes that is what you need to do, because we haven’t agreed to this move”. And that should be the end of it. Instead, you are not clear and are worried that he is going to resent you. He does sound extremely selfish, but it sounds like you have track record of giving in. You need to assert yourself.

So when he said, “maybe I shall pull out of the job then”. You should have replied “Yes that is what you need to do, because we haven’t agreed to this move

But he doesn't need to pull out of the job, OP has no right to tell him that he does. Telling someone else what they 'should' do isn't asserting yourself, it's being controlling. Asserting yourself is asserting what you will do, not what someone else should do. There aren't any 'shoulds', and none of us can assume ourselves to be an authority over someone else's behaviour. All we can do is observe what people do, and how we feel around them, and choose whether to be close to them or create distance from them.

But you see how you're meant to feel guilty about him turning down a job that he never even told you he was applying for and that was in no way compatible with the joint plans you had made? I think he's definitely going to be presenting himself as the injured party. And if you now break up with him he's lost both you and the job - and this will somehow be your fault, rather than entirely caused by his own behaviour.

I could not be doing with any of this.

And yes, btw, I do regularly have a day before my period when I'm utterly exhausted.

Wow. What a shocking gaslight reaction. I’m glad he’s said sorry but I’m also glad you’ve gone away for a few days because this is weird. I would be done going along with anything I even slightly don’t want to for the next couple of years, and I think he needs therapy, because you can’t stay with him as is.

i think you should write him a very clear message saying ‘ the way you reacted and the things you said are unacceptable. A ‘sorry’ doesn’t fix that. If we discuss and agree something then you do something completely different, any and all consequences of your having to go back on that decision are on you. Any impact on your career is your own fuck up completely and nothing to do with me. If you continue forgetting I’m a person and I have a right to an opinion about my life there will be more such consequences and they will all be on you too. I’m done with accepting you bullshitting me into things I do not want and that we have discussed and agreed.’

You cannot be serious. There is no way that my husband or I would unilaterally make a decision like that. And yes if he did announce out of the blue he has a new job in Scotland, yes I would say he will need to decline (or go by himself and we divorce of course). But no, I won’t meekly go and pack my bags and no it is not controlling for me to refuse to go along.

His behaviour is astonishing, OP. Classic DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) when you put your foot down.

The more you post the more infuriating he is.
Im not surprised for you this is the straw that broke the camel’s back. I’m right with you. But for him, I reckon it’s a case of ‘she’s capitulated before, she’ll do so again’
But if I were you, I absolutely wouldn’t. He’s taking the piss.

You've misunderstood Watchkeys' post. She's saying that the only behaviour you can truly control is your own. So, to take your example, if a DH announced he was taking a job in Scotland, you couldn't forbid him to go. But you could certainly reply that you yourself were staying put, and if he left, that would mean the end of the relationship - the option you've put in brackets. I think that, rather than rolling over and saying yes, is what Watchkeys means by asserting yourself.

It's very interesting what he's done now. Given up the job. Now if OP dumps him she's firmly in the 'baddie' camp because he did what she wants. But he did it after he was utterly unacceptable and awful.

OP you really should use the time away to consider if the ACTUAL relationship you have is what you want. Rather than the promised one, the hoped for one, the gaslit one.

You are getting good advice here, but it really doesn't appear that you get how utterly toxic him and your relationship are.

He hasn't an ounce of respect for you.

Not an ounce.

What you want or care about matters not a whit to him.

Of course his actions are completely premeditated and planned, because historically you have shown him your word means nothing, you can be completely manipulated and you don't have any standards.

This dynamic is not in any way normal or healthy or any part of a solid, loving, respectful relationship.

I would hate for my children to be around this.

He is a selfish immature tantruming man child.

How you have continued to find him and his behaviour attractive is beyond me.

You deserve so much better.

You are wasting your life on a deeply selfish disrespectful man who fundamentally is manipulative and a liar.

He knows EXACTLY what he is doing but thinks you are too dim to see through him.

His tantrum is because you haven't rolled over as usual.

He has told you EXACTLY who he is, and how little he thinks of you.

The question is are you going to listen?

Without wanting to sound fan girly, @billy1966 I always think your advice is absolutely spot on. It is here too 👌

No way has he turned down the job

You are right, @Squiblet

You were mistaken, @Basilton

Coming on to say I agree with @MostlyHappyMummy - I doubt he's actually turned it down, because he thought when he told you he had, you would be remorseful and beg him to reverse that in the interests of his career.

You didn't, and won't, so what will happen now?

OP I wouldn't do this to a colleague let alone a life partner.
Whether he has a 'mental block' or not is not your issue he's treating you like shit.
LTB

Ah thanks @harriethoyle.

I agree with so many on here.

I too wouldn't be the least bit surprised to hear he hasn't in fact rejected the job, just more lies and manipulation.

I often think one of the biggest issues women have on here is spending endless time trying to "understand" and "figure out" the behaviour of such men.

As an old woman I know it is usually really not the least bit complicated.

Men rarely do what they don't want to, in relationships.

They know what they want instinctively and how much they are prepared to give, and put themselves out,.... for any woman.

The expression "when a man really wants you, you are NEVER confused", is 100% true IMO.

This was THE biggest light bulb moment for me when I got it...wish I'd known it a few years earlier!

The OP knows there is a clear pattern of him repeatedly doing exactly as he pleases.

There is NOTHING to understand.

It is NOT complicated.

He wants what he wants and figures she will capitulate as she has previously, under his lies and manipulation.

His focus is ONLY what he wants.

His tantrum is just outrage that she hasn't rolled over easily, as she has before.

Narcissistic rage..(armchair analysis😁)

You see the real character of a person when you tell them NO.

She is only 42 and is selling herself terribly short by thinking she is his priority.

She deserves so much better.