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Original poster

DP won't make joint decisions

124 replies

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:18

Basically just that. We have been together for four years and while I love being with him and we are in love and get on great, he absolutely won't make joint decisions.

This is basically on everything.

Where we live, finances, what car we have. Everything. So when we decided a couple of years ago that we wanted a "joint" life, we discussed what we wanted but then he just does completely different things.

So for example, we might agree we will like in Berkshire and I'll arrange my work around Berkshire and then out of the blue he'll say "I have just gotten a job in Kent!".

He has done this with everything. He doesn't tell me he wants the thing, he doesn't discuss it, he doesn't consider me. He literally just does it and then tries to persuade me afterwards that what he's done is a good idea.

This worked the first few times, and now he's done it again and I feel very depressed and disappointed.

I think he has a kind of psychological block on the concept of a "joint" life choices process, but he wants to live a joint life (where I just keep adjusting my own life around him).

What to do?

OP posts:
YukoandHiro · 04/10/2023 19:30

Don't have kids with this man. He will never take their needs into account

HoneyBadgerMom · 04/10/2023 19:31

If you've gone along with it 3-4 times, no wonder he assumes he'll get his way.

If you do stand up, be prepared for him to walk away. Or better yet, tell him you deserve someone who respects you and invite him to enjoy his new job with his favorite person, himself.

YukoandHiro · 04/10/2023 19:31

If he goes ahead, you've lost nothing. He doesn't consider himself to be an equal relationship

gamerchick · 04/10/2023 19:34

If you cave on this your relationship will be over anyway. You'll resent him that much you won't be able to help it. Except by then you'll have moved and accommodated.

Stick to your guns, might teach the fucker a lesson. But I'll hazard a guess he'll go through with it anyway after trying a variety of things to make you comply

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 19:35

Can people tell me how they usually handle life decisions with their partner

You talk until you're both satisfied. If you want different things on major life decisions, you're not compatible.

Squiblet · 04/10/2023 19:39

Can people tell me how they usually handle life decisions with their partner? Particularly if there's a decision where one person wants one thing and one wants another?

Just the normal way. Someone proposes something, e.g relocation for new job. We talk it over. Make a list of pros and cons. Look at it from all angles - financial, practical, emotional. Sleep on it. Talk it over some more. Run it by a few friends, separately. Keep talking about it together.

The one who wants to do the big change might work to find ways of making it more palatable to the one who isn't so keen. But ultimately, we both have a veto. The person who says "sorry, I just can't do this" would win out over the person who says "I really want to do this."

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:40

We are mid 40s and already have grown up children, but I've never really been in a long term relationship before.

My daughters Dad wasn't very nice so I left him when I was pregnant. I was alone (by choice) until my daughter was six.

Then I had a two year relationship with a childhood sweetheart which ended.

I was quite career focused and attached to my daughter (Gilmore Girls) so wasn't terribly interested in men.

I dated a bit but no one felt right. But this guy did. He loves my daughter (who's left home now) and we enjoy all the same things and have a lovely life.

One of the things I liked most about him is that he never asked me for anything. Never complained that my daughter came first. Never complained if I had to go on business trips. He was just chilled out and supportive and completely lovely.

When the first opportunity for "joint decisions" came up I compromised what I wanted. But then ended up doing it again and again.

This last one is a dealbreaker. I'm not moving again. We never discussed this, I never agreed to it and I'm not going.

OP posts:
Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:41

You talk until you're both satisfied. If you want different things on major life decisions, you're not compatible

The problem is, he SAYS we are. We discuss and agree on the future and then he just does something completely different.

OP posts:
Valeriekat · 04/10/2023 19:44

My husband has always known what he wants in life and what he wants to do next. I on the other hand am a bit of a drifter and so I have travelled around the world with him.
We always discuss it and how it would work for both of us and for our children.
If I said no then it probably wouldn't happen. I have been able to spend time as a stay at home mum but I have always had a work permit and been able to work when I wanted to.
The work moves have always resulted in a significant pay increase for our family and we were married when we went on our first overseas trip.
Your boyfriend is not thinking of you at all and it isn't normal or right and it isn't a partnership.

Squiblet · 04/10/2023 19:46

If it's too difficult to talk about with him, and you feel he doesn't listen, maybe you should write him a letter with the stuff you've put in this thread? You articulate it really well.

PermanentTemporary · 04/10/2023 19:50

This is where I would have a look at his parents and how they operate(d), and also consider your stage in life.

It is a bit different getting together later in life. Dp and I both have children, all at least university age, and elderly parents and in-laws. When I was with my late husband and we had a child together, I would have been much more prepared to move if he really needed to because our lives were a total joint project, and there was only the three of us to consider. However, he would never have asked me to move on a whim, it was something we discussed for weeks or even months (in fact it never happened).

My life now is settled in this area. I was willing to move a very short distance to get a house that fits both of us, and have done that. We respect that we're not the only thing in each other's lives.

The only thing is whether an LDR is definitely so bad? But I completely respect it's not for everyone. You haven't done a thing wrong.

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:55

@Squiblet

I tried writing it down. He read it, profusely apologised and then tried to persuade me it was a good idea. For us. He said he should never have done it without talking to me but it was on a whim and he never thought he'd get it. He used the same rationalisation the previous four times.

I think if I did the same and made decisions without him that he'd support me and not be angry. But he wouldn't move. He'd just say "okay we can make it work". I just don't think he fundamentally sees life as a team sport - although he wants us to be together forever and ideally with one another every day, he just doesn't get the joint decisions concept.

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 19:56

I just don't think he fundamentally sees life as a team sport - although he wants us to be together forever

Then you're not compatible, because you do see life as a team sport/

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 19:57

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:41

You talk until you're both satisfied. If you want different things on major life decisions, you're not compatible

The problem is, he SAYS we are. We discuss and agree on the future and then he just does something completely different.

So, do you want someone who does things the way you do, or someone who says he will do things the way you do, and then lets you down?

This is who he is. If you don't like it, you leave.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 04/10/2023 19:58

Sounds like relationship chicken - he does something, sees your reaction, sticks to his guns/gaslights/manipulates you and gets his own way. So why would he change? And why would you want to be with someone who is prepared to do this?

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:00

@PermanentTemporary

His parents are just a nice old couple. Traditional. Always lived in the same place.

I definitely wouldn't do an LDR. It's a complete red line for me and I'd sooner split up. If we can't find a shared life we agree on, I'll just be alone and be fine with that.

OP posts:
OhcantthInkofaname · 04/10/2023 20:01

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:24

So what this is , is selfishness?

It's confusing because he's otherwise not selfish day to day.

He just seems to think I don't get a say!

Yes, its selfishness. The epitome of selfishness.

tribpot · 04/10/2023 20:04

..... so why would he even want me to do something that will make me unhappy?

I've already done that 3 or 4 times :(

That's why. It works.

it was on a whim and he never thought he'd get it. He used the same rationalisation the previous four times.

What a whimsical fellow. It's amazing how often a whim strikes him that involves him getting something he wants and you having to sacrifice something you want and that you and he had previously agreed on.

I assume you do realise he's lying. No-one does something on a whim five times and then remembers they should have consulted their partner first. He says that he wants the same things as you, that you're on the same page. And then he repeatedly, yet apparently accidentally, does whatever he wants. He's lying in order to get his own way - it's not any more complicated than that.

C8H10N4O2 · 04/10/2023 20:04

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:55

@Squiblet

I tried writing it down. He read it, profusely apologised and then tried to persuade me it was a good idea. For us. He said he should never have done it without talking to me but it was on a whim and he never thought he'd get it. He used the same rationalisation the previous four times.

I think if I did the same and made decisions without him that he'd support me and not be angry. But he wouldn't move. He'd just say "okay we can make it work". I just don't think he fundamentally sees life as a team sport - although he wants us to be together forever and ideally with one another every day, he just doesn't get the joint decisions concept.

He doesn't share decisions with you, he only wants a joint life where he makes the key decisions, he expects you to go along with this and isn't worried about your happiness or he wouldn't push you into compliance.

But most importantly he is now in his 40s and at this stage he isn't going to change. So do you want this for the next 30-40 years?

midlifecrash · 04/10/2023 20:06

So you’ve said LDR is a no-deal and he says you can make it work, based on a decision he made without consulting you.

You might as well tell him you’ve slept with 2 or 3 other people and have now decided this is an open relationship. That would be just as reasonable.

Urgsleepmoresleep · 04/10/2023 20:10

@SistaOfMercy my partner can be selfish. Such as last year he booked a new years event I would have hated so just booked his own ticket without consulting me. he has booked a party weekend next year saying he is getting old and it’s his last time to party. will make plans with friends without involving me at times out all weekend.

but when major life decisions are there or we have plans, He consults me and we choose together. If I asked not to go he would not go, be huffy but not go. He is great at saying he is going to do things, but doesn’t really.

I know he will think of me

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:15

So you’ve said LDR is a no-deal and he says you can make it work, based on a decision he made without consulting you

He knew 100% before doing this that I had said an LDR was a complete red line for me.

I had a very adverse experience (previous DP had a second girlfriend without my knowledge when we were long distance and I would never have an LDR again.

He was completely clear there is no way on God's Green earth I would ever do it. From the get go, he knew that. From our first date!

He's trying to suggest solutions where (because I WFH) I come with him for work during the week, but we come back home for weekends.

But my daughter is home for holidays, so basically it's an LDR isn't it? Because she can't do that can she one? So defacto for nearly half the year we'd be in an LDR.

He's just trying to manipulate me into accepting a life that would make me actively unhappy. A life I said there was no way I wanted.

OP posts:
Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 20:18

Add onto that I don't actually want to spend 8 hours every weekend travelling back and forth. Gah. I am just getting angrier.

OP posts:
GodDammitCecil · 04/10/2023 20:24

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:53

Yes, his strategy has historically worked. I really do mean it though. If he continues with this job I'm not continuing with the relationship.

I feel like I'm in a lose / lose though.

If he goes ahead, I've lost the relationship.

If he pulls out he will resent me.

He openly admits hr should not have done it without talking to me but there's likely career consequences to pull out now.

I feel so manipulated:(

If he pulls out he will resent me.

Yet it hasn’t even crossed his mind that you deeply resent him for this continual behaviour.

He does not care that you do. Time and again.

Very nice of you to care about him and his possible resentment, though.

HerMammy · 04/10/2023 20:25

So you have moved 3/4 times in 4 years? what does he work as that he changed jobs so often that require relocating?
Stick to your guns and let him go.