Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP won't make joint decisions

124 replies

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 18:18

Basically just that. We have been together for four years and while I love being with him and we are in love and get on great, he absolutely won't make joint decisions.

This is basically on everything.

Where we live, finances, what car we have. Everything. So when we decided a couple of years ago that we wanted a "joint" life, we discussed what we wanted but then he just does completely different things.

So for example, we might agree we will like in Berkshire and I'll arrange my work around Berkshire and then out of the blue he'll say "I have just gotten a job in Kent!".

He has done this with everything. He doesn't tell me he wants the thing, he doesn't discuss it, he doesn't consider me. He literally just does it and then tries to persuade me afterwards that what he's done is a good idea.

This worked the first few times, and now he's done it again and I feel very depressed and disappointed.

I think he has a kind of psychological block on the concept of a "joint" life choices process, but he wants to live a joint life (where I just keep adjusting my own life around him).

What to do?

OP posts:
ThePoetsWife · 05/10/2023 07:11

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 19:03

They are entirely his fault but I feel manipulated and guilt tripped. I've no idea why he does this. He says he wants me to be happy but this doesn't feel it

Then why not bin him?

Imagine having children with him.

You can do better

AgentJohnson · 05/10/2023 07:23

But he isn’t agreeing and changing his mind, he’s pretending to, it’s performative. He knows that he will get his own way because you always cave.

You can not change his behaviour but you can change yours. You need to decide if the status quo is the price you want to pay to stay in this relationship.

MsRosley · 05/10/2023 09:57

OP, what it boils down to is your DH doesn't see you as a fully functioning human and his equal. You're his spousal support unit, and he expects you to carry on in that role whatever he decides. He honestly doesn't think he needs to take you into account when making plans and decisions.

My DH is a bit like that, but not on something this big. We do a lot of renovation work and he'll just decide to do something without consulting me. The difference is I'll make him reverse it if I don't think it's right, and give him a proper roasting for not planning it jointly. There's absolutely no way I will be railroaded into going along with him just because he's already completed it. If I don't like it, he changes it. If I didn't do this, he'd basically do whatever came into his head and expect me to live with the consequences. Fuck that.

Original poster
SistaOfMercy · 05/10/2023 13:58

Well. After writing this thread I got pretty angry and sent him some messages expressing that, and he reacted very badly indeed.

First off he more or less ignored me and sent me frowny faces and a few "I love yous", which got me much more angry.

Then when I got angry he started saying "well I have no fucking choice now but to take this job" and started listing catastrophic consequences if he didn't take it (in a very angry way) like this kind of thing:

"So give me an alternative then? If I dont take this fucking job, give me an iron clad route to me achieving x,y,z that isn't this?"

Or

"So let's have a joint discussion then. Explain how it's detrimental to you???" (And when I listed ways he denied them all)

He was fuming really that I wouldn't just accept it, gaslit me a fair bit and then tried to blame me

"It's exactly these kinds of fights that make it impossible to make decisions with you!!!" 😫

Is he a narcissist? I mean, it was bizarre that he was reacting with rage when he was the one clearly breaking a promise to me.

Then he moved onto heavy manipulation claiming he was going to have a stroke because I was upsetting him so much 😔 😢

I switched my phone off and told him I wasn't listening to his manipulation.

Got an apology around lunchtime saying he was very sorry.

But WTH actually just happened?

OP posts:
ScribblingPixie · 05/10/2023 14:02

You say "if he goes ahead I've lost the relationship". But it's really "if he goes ahead he's demonstrating that I am in a relationship that will keep making me unhappy". It's tough, OP, but this isn't right for you and you need to protect yourself and your interests.

Letsbepractical · 05/10/2023 14:05

What happened was that he revealed his true self, Im afraid.
He got triggered and what you saw was the raw version of him, unable to contain the rage and disdain.
He then apologised- not because he admitted that his behaviour was wrong and he wants to change things, but because he now knows he went too far and may lose you.

Blough · 05/10/2023 14:06

It really doesn’t matter if he is or is not a narcissist, no man on earth is worth this level of analysing. You could be enjoying life and instead you’re obsessing over some shitty boyfriend, it’s sad. Dumping him would not be a loss, why not live your life in peace, and happiness?

Blough · 05/10/2023 14:06

It really doesn’t matter if he is or is not a narcissist, no man on earth is worth this level of analysing. You could be enjoying life and instead you’re obsessing over some shitty boyfriend, it’s sad. Dumping him would not be a loss, why not live your life in peace, and happiness?

Blough · 05/10/2023 14:07

A double post! That’s never happened before.

Resentful2023 · 05/10/2023 14:12

SistaOfMercy · 05/10/2023 13:58

Well. After writing this thread I got pretty angry and sent him some messages expressing that, and he reacted very badly indeed.

First off he more or less ignored me and sent me frowny faces and a few "I love yous", which got me much more angry.

Then when I got angry he started saying "well I have no fucking choice now but to take this job" and started listing catastrophic consequences if he didn't take it (in a very angry way) like this kind of thing:

"So give me an alternative then? If I dont take this fucking job, give me an iron clad route to me achieving x,y,z that isn't this?"

Or

"So let's have a joint discussion then. Explain how it's detrimental to you???" (And when I listed ways he denied them all)

He was fuming really that I wouldn't just accept it, gaslit me a fair bit and then tried to blame me

"It's exactly these kinds of fights that make it impossible to make decisions with you!!!" 😫

Is he a narcissist? I mean, it was bizarre that he was reacting with rage when he was the one clearly breaking a promise to me.

Then he moved onto heavy manipulation claiming he was going to have a stroke because I was upsetting him so much 😔 😢

I switched my phone off and told him I wasn't listening to his manipulation.

Got an apology around lunchtime saying he was very sorry.

But WTH actually just happened?

What just happened is that you found out what he's like when he doesn't get his own way.

tribpot · 05/10/2023 14:14

What happened is that you didn't roll over and accede to his wishes. He's created this situation by choosing to make significant life changes without discussing it with you first. It's up to him to propose a solution if he wants something beyond the two of you going your separate ways. But honestly I can't see why you wouldn't just do that - this is going to keep happening, that much is clear. You don't like it (no-one would). So let him go off and live his best single guy life.

ohdamnitjanet · 05/10/2023 14:15

SistaOfMercy · 05/10/2023 13:58

Well. After writing this thread I got pretty angry and sent him some messages expressing that, and he reacted very badly indeed.

First off he more or less ignored me and sent me frowny faces and a few "I love yous", which got me much more angry.

Then when I got angry he started saying "well I have no fucking choice now but to take this job" and started listing catastrophic consequences if he didn't take it (in a very angry way) like this kind of thing:

"So give me an alternative then? If I dont take this fucking job, give me an iron clad route to me achieving x,y,z that isn't this?"

Or

"So let's have a joint discussion then. Explain how it's detrimental to you???" (And when I listed ways he denied them all)

He was fuming really that I wouldn't just accept it, gaslit me a fair bit and then tried to blame me

"It's exactly these kinds of fights that make it impossible to make decisions with you!!!" 😫

Is he a narcissist? I mean, it was bizarre that he was reacting with rage when he was the one clearly breaking a promise to me.

Then he moved onto heavy manipulation claiming he was going to have a stroke because I was upsetting him so much 😔 😢

I switched my phone off and told him I wasn't listening to his manipulation.

Got an apology around lunchtime saying he was very sorry.

But WTH actually just happened?

WTF actually happened was just for the first time he couldn’t get his own way. I’m sorry @SistaOfMercy , this is so stressful. But well done for not giving in and uprooting your life again. Only a giant twat interviews and accepts a job without telling their partner it’s even a consideration.

perfectcolourfound · 05/10/2023 14:15

I think you've just seen, for the first time, how he responds when he doesn't get his own way / when someone questions his decisions.

Until now, on big stuff, you've gone along with it. You have, VERY reasonably refused on this occasion, and he's showing you that he isn't sorry he made that decision without you. He doesn't think you should question his decisions. He doesn't think he should discuss big decisions with you. He thinks you should smile sweetly and go along with his whims, even if they make you unhappy.

He doesn't have a decent defence, so he's resorted to being ridicolous and trying to deflect blame on to you. Be clear - withou yourself and with him - only one person started this issue. Him. You've put up with his poor behaviour on sereral occasions, to your own detriment. And he's previously acknowledgeed that and said he won't do it again. Here he is, doing it again. So you know you can't trust him to keep his word. You know you can't trust him to respect your feelings. You know he puts his own happiness and wants way above yours.

Honestly, I'd call time now if I were you.

You deserve better.

perfectcolourfound · 05/10/2023 14:18

I read your last post, responded, then read the other recent posts to find we're all saying the same.

This is him not getting his own way. It's not pretty.

GingerIsBest · 05/10/2023 14:21

I suspect that because you are clearly a very independent, laid back person, there have been all kinds of situations beyond these four big ones where he has manipulated things to get his own way. At the end of the day, not only is he uninterested in sharing the decision making with you, he's not doing any compromising on things. And now he's trying to claim that YOU are the problem. Best case scenario, he doesn't know how to state his needs so finds it easier to present it as a fait accompli. But that's not helpful either.

This relationship has run its course I'm afraid. I'm very sorry as it sounds like you were really optimistic about this one.

MadeForThis · 05/10/2023 14:23

Take back control and just end it yourself.

LadyDanburysHat · 05/10/2023 14:24

SistaOfMercy · 04/10/2023 22:10

@Mmhmmn

How does a person apply for a job and do an interview etc. on a whim and without saying a thing about it to their partner?

I don't understand. These things take a lot of thought and preparation normally..? And he did all of that without telling you?

Exactly

Yes, I agree with this. I have applied for jobs on a whim. I then told my husband that day, 'oh btw I applied for a job today' I can't understand how you go through the interview process and being offered the job without mentioning it.

With his suggestions on how to make it work, he really thinks you are going to acquiesce again. He doesn't care about your wants. He is living life his way.

Olika · 05/10/2023 14:27

I don't think you should be with him at all. He only cares about himself, he doesn't see you two as a team and he blames you for jumping from one idea to another without giving a calm about anybody else.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/10/2023 14:28

What happened was that a selfish man was revealed to be a selfish man and couldn't take it so he virtually faked his own death in an effort to make you come to your senses and accept his selfishness was in her own interests.

tribpot · 05/10/2023 14:40

I actually missed the bit at the end of your post when he threatened to have a stroke - what a twat.

Nicole1111 · 05/10/2023 15:02

To actively follow the whole process of a job application, interview prep, an interview, waiting to hear about the job etc and conceal all this says it all. If he didn’t think he was doing anything wrong why would he hide it? He knew it wasn’t right for you so he kept it a secret and waited to tell you until he thought you’d have no choice. Now you’re pushing back for the first time he’s having a monumental tantrum and as many abusive people do, he tried emotional blackmail to control you. I’d have a long think about your next steps if I were you. Can you have a few days at least of no contact?

gamerchick · 05/10/2023 15:05

You'll never unsee that conversation OP. Your brain might desperately try to make things normal again, especially when he starts a different tactic of getting his way. You'll either see it or you won't. Wonder wtf later on type of thing

SheilaFentiman · 05/10/2023 15:38

Well done for pushing back, OP. Yes, he is a narcissist, in that he doesn’t see you as a real person, only himself. He is trying to get you to justify not moving and saying your reasons are unimportant without acknowledging all he did to get in this position. If he thought your views mattered, he would have said “ this job opportunity has come up, it would be really good, but do you think it could work with us?” or something. Not presented you with a done deal.

category12 · 05/10/2023 15:53

SistaOfMercy · 05/10/2023 13:58

Well. After writing this thread I got pretty angry and sent him some messages expressing that, and he reacted very badly indeed.

First off he more or less ignored me and sent me frowny faces and a few "I love yous", which got me much more angry.

Then when I got angry he started saying "well I have no fucking choice now but to take this job" and started listing catastrophic consequences if he didn't take it (in a very angry way) like this kind of thing:

"So give me an alternative then? If I dont take this fucking job, give me an iron clad route to me achieving x,y,z that isn't this?"

Or

"So let's have a joint discussion then. Explain how it's detrimental to you???" (And when I listed ways he denied them all)

He was fuming really that I wouldn't just accept it, gaslit me a fair bit and then tried to blame me

"It's exactly these kinds of fights that make it impossible to make decisions with you!!!" 😫

Is he a narcissist? I mean, it was bizarre that he was reacting with rage when he was the one clearly breaking a promise to me.

Then he moved onto heavy manipulation claiming he was going to have a stroke because I was upsetting him so much 😔 😢

I switched my phone off and told him I wasn't listening to his manipulation.

Got an apology around lunchtime saying he was very sorry.

But WTH actually just happened?

The mask slipped.

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 05/10/2023 15:58

WTH happened was as everyone said. He had a temper tantrum as you didn't go along with it.

he didn't just get a job, he actively put in for it, updated his CV, has interviews and then left the need to inform you of how your life was going to be. He didn't expect you to push back, so he got raging angry, then tried blaming you, and then when that didn't work he tried guilting you. He will now turn the charm back on, as he realises he probably revealed more than he planned to with you.

He is selfish and won't ever change, your life will be fine if you agree to his way of living, if you don't then this will happen until you do.

personally I'd let him go, he will expect you to change your mind and the next month or so will be unbearable whilst he carries on trying that. He will wear you down and exhaust you. If you change your mind now this is your life forver. He makes the decisions, you hold out, he tantrums, you agree.
Even if he doesn't go, he will be shitty at every opportunity to you about it.

Swipe left for the next trending thread