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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

It's over, isn't it?

31 replies

Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 17:42

I am having a very difficult time getting over an ex that I loved very much. He was the one to chase me in the start (love bombed I now realise) but things dwindled over time. He was really cut up when I ended it due to me not feeling like I got enough from him and since then I have wondered if I made the correct decision.

At the weekend I wanted to put my feelings of missing him out there and sent this:
'I know i've nothing to lose but I'm really missing out and having a difficult time getting over us. I'm not saying this to mess with your head but I thought it was best I put it out there'
He simply replied: 'it's very hard to know what to say, obviously it's the same for me. It's been a very difficult time for both of us'
I said: 'you don't need to know what to say'

Since then zero reply from him. I know this is a big sign it's over but I felt I needed to share it as I am checking my phone far too much for some magical message from him.....

OP posts:
Daffodil18 · 04/10/2023 17:45

I can see why he hasn’t replied back, as you’ve stated your having a hard time getting over him, after finishing with him. What can he say to that?

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 18:18

Yes, it's over because you told him it was. What do you want from him? Why do you think your feelings ought to be 'out there'?

Original poster
Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:21

We've stayed in touch since the break up and he had said he appreciated the mistakes he had made and said how regretful he was so I wanted to get it across that I was really missing him

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 18:48

Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:21

We've stayed in touch since the break up and he had said he appreciated the mistakes he had made and said how regretful he was so I wanted to get it across that I was really missing him

Why? With what aim?

Original poster
Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:57

The aim was to get across that I'd like to try again

OP posts:
firstmummy2019 · 04/10/2023 19:00

Well you need to say that then. That you want a 2nd chance at things.

ISeeARedDoorAndIWantToBreakIn · 04/10/2023 19:00

Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:57

The aim was to get across that I'd like to try again

You might need to make that more obvious to him

Watchkeys · 04/10/2023 19:13

Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:57

The aim was to get across that I'd like to try again

Why aren't you telling him that?

Winter2019 · 04/10/2023 19:16

I'm in similar situation, I think... just ask him straight if he would like to give it another shot

TheShellBeach · 04/10/2023 19:18

Well tell him then!
He's not a mind reader.

Crushed23 · 04/10/2023 19:28

How old are you?

In my experience, the cute ‘let’s give this another go’ scenario is reserved for the young and hopeful or TV/film.

Worth a shot - always - but don’t get your hopes up.

Good luck.

perfectcolourfound · 04/10/2023 19:31

You'ved decided you want to try again, but rather than say it, you're playing a game, trying to entice him to say it. You're the one who did the dumping, so you need to say it if you want to try again.

That said, I'd caution against it. Sounds like you left him for very, very good reasons. They would still be there if you went back. Presumably it wasn't an easy decision to make, so what makes you think you were wrong?

Original poster
Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 19:52

I'm 35 @Crushed23

Yes, it does feel a bit like I'm playing a game @perfectcolourfound without meaning to. A bit scared of being hurt so think I wanted him to jump after my message as I really am missing him

OP posts:
FrontEnd · 04/10/2023 19:56

Write what you mean and mean what you write. Or better still, do it by phone.

HappyAsASandboy · 04/10/2023 20:25

If you are to have any chance of longevity with this guy you'll need to be able to say exactly what you mean, openly, without games, and without feeling too scared to put yourself "out there".

If you can't message him or call him and say what you want to say, then how will you ever build a relationship based on honesty and trust?

Can you be honest with him?

Mrsttcno1 · 04/10/2023 20:29

You’re not teenagers in the playground, you left him. Why would he “jump” at your message to get back together?

You end things, and then message him saying you’re having a hard time getting over things…he’s not your partner, you made sure of that, it’s very unfair to seek comfort like that from a person you ended your relationship with? You say you are playing games “without meaning to” but you do mean to, you’ve contacted him with the purpose of trying to make him beg you back after you ended things with him, so good for him for not getting involved in that.

I’d also say though really think about it, I suspect you’re not actually missing him at all, you’re missing the idea of him that you now have in your mind. Break ups are difficult but you say yourself the effort dwindled, and he hasn’t replied to your message, he has moved on, just accept that and remember if he was all that great you wouldn’t have ended things in the first place, so remember that.

pictoosh · 04/10/2023 20:32

"You say you are playing games “without meaning to” but you do mean to, you’ve contacted him with the purpose of trying to make him beg you back after you ended things with him, so good for him for not getting involved in that."

I agree.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 04/10/2023 20:43

Not meaning to patronise but when you're older, you won't be arsed with all the mind games.

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 04/10/2023 20:44

I think OP is missing him chasing her.

Fredblog · 04/10/2023 21:00

I would at this point ask him for a coffee or something, then you can properly talk, or he declines and you have an answer.

Doggymummar · 04/10/2023 21:02

Hersecretserviceyourmaj · 04/10/2023 20:43

Not meaning to patronise but when you're older, you won't be arsed with all the mind games.

Older than 35 I learned that by about 22

Peacendkindness · 04/10/2023 21:05

Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 18:57

The aim was to get across that I'd like to try again

Why do you want to try again?

if So why didn’t you make it clear?
eg now we have had some time apart and split to reflect and we have grown as people - do you fancy meeting up and having a chat?

junbean · 04/10/2023 21:08

It sounds like you want him to take the initiative and show you how much he loves you by winning you back. It won't happen though, he already had that chance and he didn't. That's why you ended it.
You might look at your childhood to see if there was any emotional neglect or something similar causing you to recreate that situation and "fix" it. I've been thru that and acted similar in relationships. I would move on and try to find someone who meets your needs without needing to change.

Original poster
Timeout22 · 04/10/2023 21:10

I was worried I would get hurt (again), simply put. I was testing the waters and trying not to make a fool of myself

OP posts:
VeridicalVagabond · 04/10/2023 21:12

Stop playing games with the guy, it's so unfair to break up with someone and then fuck them about like this because you have a specific romantic performance in mind that you want them to play out for you.

Either tell him you want to try again or leave him alone, stop trying to guilt him into being the one to suggest it so you can feel like he wants you back.