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Original poster

Is adultery ever justified

159 replies

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:11

Can it ever be morally justified to cheat on your partner whether married or not?
I have heard several people say it is fair enough if their sex life is absent or unsatisfying or they are otherwise unhappy in their relationship.
Personally I do not feel it is ever acceptable.
I think that if you are that unhappy either leave the relationship or get agreement that you can have sex with someone else.

OP posts:
Ihaveoflate · 03/10/2023 10:21

Understandable in some circumstances, yes.

Justified? No

StarDolphins · 03/10/2023 10:23

Imo never justified, acceptable or understandable.

100% dealbreaker for me along with a few other things.

madamreign · 03/10/2023 10:25

It can be.

It can be what gives someone the confidence to get out of an abusive relationship. That was me. Only regret is marrying the tosser in the first place.

BadBadDecisions · 03/10/2023 10:25

Justifiable? Not really.

Could a person make a bad decision within a specific context? Sure.

Marblessolveeverything · 03/10/2023 10:27

No. Leave first then move on - by no means stay in an unhappy/unsatisfying relationship but respect your partnership and yourself.

kamboozled · 03/10/2023 10:29

Not justifiable or understandable, and I judge anyone who's ever done it.

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2023 10:30

Being in an unhappy marriage is like the boiled frog syndrome. You don't just wake up and think oh my marriage is shit, I'll just leave which is supposedly how it happens on MN. In reality, you don't want to admit your marriage is shit so you work at it, you tell yourself that it's ok, it's just a rough patch, things will get better, you've made your bed now lie in it, divorce would be too hard, you can't afford to leave, it will ruin the kids lives. Your confidence and self esteem and self worth are often at rock bottom. All those things.

And then sometimes it takes meeting another person that you fancy/love and who doesn't treat you like shit to give you that kick up the arse that is required to shift you from your stupor and make a move. You might end up with that OW/OM you might not but they give you that impetus to leave.

I also know of couples who stay together married but have semi-separate lives and turn a blind eye. Also a single acquaintance of mine had a "friendship" with a man who married to a lady who had become disabled and could no longer have sex with her DH. Were they wrong? Should the man have left his disabled DW so he could have a sex life or should he have remained sexless for the rest of his life and accepted his lot?

Life isn't as black and white as portrayed on here.

SoundingGood · 03/10/2023 10:33

No.

Some people will always try to justify it but it's always bullshit.

WandaWonder · 03/10/2023 10:35

No because you can leave then have a new relationship, there is no reason to stay and cheat

ICanSeeMyHouseFromHere · 03/10/2023 10:37

No. If you're unhappy then you need to be upfront and do something about it, not sneak around behind your partners back, risking their health with STDs, and leaving them to discover what you've been doing and end the relationship themselves.

It's self-absorbed and cowardly.

Enderunicorn · 03/10/2023 10:45

madamreign · 03/10/2023 10:25

It can be.

It can be what gives someone the confidence to get out of an abusive relationship. That was me. Only regret is marrying the tosser in the first place.

This for me as well.
I was in an abusive relationship. I kept telling him we were over but he just dismissed me trying to break up, wouldn't move out.
I was broken and in a horrible place emotionally and I had a one night stand with a sleaze from work and for some reason it gave me the strength to get out.

madamreign · 03/10/2023 10:48

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2023 10:30

Being in an unhappy marriage is like the boiled frog syndrome. You don't just wake up and think oh my marriage is shit, I'll just leave which is supposedly how it happens on MN. In reality, you don't want to admit your marriage is shit so you work at it, you tell yourself that it's ok, it's just a rough patch, things will get better, you've made your bed now lie in it, divorce would be too hard, you can't afford to leave, it will ruin the kids lives. Your confidence and self esteem and self worth are often at rock bottom. All those things.

And then sometimes it takes meeting another person that you fancy/love and who doesn't treat you like shit to give you that kick up the arse that is required to shift you from your stupor and make a move. You might end up with that OW/OM you might not but they give you that impetus to leave.

I also know of couples who stay together married but have semi-separate lives and turn a blind eye. Also a single acquaintance of mine had a "friendship" with a man who married to a lady who had become disabled and could no longer have sex with her DH. Were they wrong? Should the man have left his disabled DW so he could have a sex life or should he have remained sexless for the rest of his life and accepted his lot?

Life isn't as black and white as portrayed on here.

This in spades.

When you learn that life isn't black and white is when you truly grow up.

Original poster
Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:55

I did not mean abusive relationships. If your partner is abusive then I think that the basic honesty and decency owed to them is forfeit.

OP posts:
WereYouListeningToTheDudesStory · 03/10/2023 10:58

I wouldn't necessarily use the word justified but I think it's understandable in some cases.

There are plenty of couples where the one wants to enforce lifelong celibacy on the other. I can very much appreciate why there are affairs happening in that circumstance.

VesperLynne · 03/10/2023 10:59

I’ve learned over the years that life isn’t always so black and white. And it’s not always so easy to just get up and leave a marriage - not everybody is eager to embrace poverty or part time parenting.

SpringleDingle · 03/10/2023 11:01

No, if you are unhappy in your relationship you should leave.

Neverintime · 03/10/2023 11:08

Life isn't black and white. Most people are not good or evil, just human. There are very very few people that live a genuinely perfect lives. Some partners refuse to accept the separation, some people genuinely cannot afford to leave or may not want to leave their DC. Affairs can give people the confidence to leave shit situations, as PPs have said. I would be genuinely heartbroken and feel massively betrayed if my DH had an affair, but if he asked to separate I would do that and he has the means to afford to leave and we would coparent well. So for that reason I would be very angry. But I don't judge any other couple for what goes on between them, because I don't know enough about their relationship.

madamreign · 03/10/2023 11:11

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:55

I did not mean abusive relationships. If your partner is abusive then I think that the basic honesty and decency owed to them is forfeit.

In that situation, it is justified then?

Sunshinesally78 · 03/10/2023 11:16

What about this sort of situation
2 people marry, one becomes unwell with a life limiting condition and needs full time care in a nursing home (loses capacity etc), has been in the home for 15 years, other half of the marriage visits 3 times a week but has a new partner that they now live with.
Completely made up situation but I do think that could be justified.

IrresponsiblyCertainAboutSexualDimorphism · 03/10/2023 11:24

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:55

I did not mean abusive relationships. If your partner is abusive then I think that the basic honesty and decency owed to them is forfeit.

And what about if your partner has already broken one or more of the other marriage vows/ten commandments? Does that render the adultery one null and void too?

Lurkingandlearning · 03/10/2023 11:34

What about when you have become a carer to your spouse and their health will only get worse?

SoundingGood · 03/10/2023 11:40

What about when you have become a carer to your spouse and their health will only get worse?

I'm not sure why that means you need to go and fuck someone else.

ComtesseDeSpair · 03/10/2023 12:04

I don’t take any particular point of judgement on other people’s relationships to be honest. Outsiders never know the full truth of what goes on in them and there are all kinds of reasons why “just break up before fucking somebody else” isn’t necessarily quite as simple as it sounds (in the same way “well, just leave them then” isn’t always appropriate advice for somebody being abused.) Yes, there will be occasions where cheating is understandable.

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 12:10

Can it ever be morally justified

It depends on your morals. They're subjective. There is no authoritative moral body to adjudicate, so everybody is right or wrong according to their own morals.

I would imagine that people often bend their own moral codes in order to justify affairs, and others feel that it's morally fine to find pleasure elsewhere if your spouse isn't up to your standards.

LadyBird1973 · 03/10/2023 12:13

I think in normal circumstances, where life might just be a bit hard and you're going through a rough patch, then no.
But where one person is expecting the other to live without any intimacy for the rest of their lives, or has an illness where they are no longer really there, I don't see having a physical connection elsewhere as the worst thing in the world.
Being a good spouse is about more than sex - it's being present, caring, loving.