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Original poster

Is adultery ever justified

159 replies

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:11

Can it ever be morally justified to cheat on your partner whether married or not?
I have heard several people say it is fair enough if their sex life is absent or unsatisfying or they are otherwise unhappy in their relationship.
Personally I do not feel it is ever acceptable.
I think that if you are that unhappy either leave the relationship or get agreement that you can have sex with someone else.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 03/10/2023 12:15

If it's morally right and justified why lie about it?

HongKongGarden · 03/10/2023 12:18

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:55

I did not mean abusive relationships. If your partner is abusive then I think that the basic honesty and decency owed to them is forfeit.

I agree.

I’d also add them gaining weight to the list of acceptable reasons, or letting their hygiene levels slip.

Helpmepleaseimbusy · 03/10/2023 12:20

I think the answers here are way to black and white.

If you have a partner that is long term ill - I'm talking parkinsonism, dementia, in a care home etc etc. Or it helps getting out of an abusive situation, then I think it can be acceptable and justified.

However if everyone is just bored or the marriage or partnership has simply ru its course, then no.

Neverintime · 03/10/2023 12:23

WallaceinAnderland · 03/10/2023 12:15

If it's morally right and justified why lie about it?

Because the person having the affair may be harmed or killed.
Because they may be disowned by their family.
Because they may be made homeless.
Because they may not see their DC again.
Because they may have to share care of their DC with someone who will not care for their DC properly. Ect.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 03/10/2023 12:24

I’m sure it’s always justified to who ever wants to cheat.

Mountaineer0009 · 03/10/2023 12:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Willson · 03/10/2023 12:28

Never an acceptable decision.

Leave, then get involved with someone else.

Willson · 03/10/2023 12:34

Those saying life isn't black amd white are just proving it actually is completely black and white.

If you're married and have kids you have two moral choices:

  1. Leave marriage and deal with all the negative consequences
  1. Stay married unhappily

Taking the third, cowardly, dishonest and selfish option of being too weak to leave and simultaneously to weak to resist shagging other people is wrong.

Grow a pair.

Leave

Then start shagging other people

Don't lie and deceive your spouse and kids. It's not hard.

Tiredmum100 · 03/10/2023 12:39

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2023 10:30

Being in an unhappy marriage is like the boiled frog syndrome. You don't just wake up and think oh my marriage is shit, I'll just leave which is supposedly how it happens on MN. In reality, you don't want to admit your marriage is shit so you work at it, you tell yourself that it's ok, it's just a rough patch, things will get better, you've made your bed now lie in it, divorce would be too hard, you can't afford to leave, it will ruin the kids lives. Your confidence and self esteem and self worth are often at rock bottom. All those things.

And then sometimes it takes meeting another person that you fancy/love and who doesn't treat you like shit to give you that kick up the arse that is required to shift you from your stupor and make a move. You might end up with that OW/OM you might not but they give you that impetus to leave.

I also know of couples who stay together married but have semi-separate lives and turn a blind eye. Also a single acquaintance of mine had a "friendship" with a man who married to a lady who had become disabled and could no longer have sex with her DH. Were they wrong? Should the man have left his disabled DW so he could have a sex life or should he have remained sexless for the rest of his life and accepted his lot?

Life isn't as black and white as portrayed on here.

I agree. Life isn't as black and white as portrayed.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/10/2023 12:45

Neverintime · 03/10/2023 12:23

Because the person having the affair may be harmed or killed.
Because they may be disowned by their family.
Because they may be made homeless.
Because they may not see their DC again.
Because they may have to share care of their DC with someone who will not care for their DC properly. Ect.

Show quote history

If they are having an affair then they risk being found out and all that happening anyway so I don't think they are genuine reasons. Would you risk being killed or losing your children for an affair?

People lie because they choose to. Because there is something in it for them. It's completely selfish.

Neverintime · 03/10/2023 12:49

You do know that affairs don't just happen in modern, safe Britain? Some people can't just leave and find happiness. For example a 16 year old, married to a 60 year old in an arranged marriage. You think she should just know her place in the world and never find a morsel of joy?

madamreign · 03/10/2023 12:51

@WallaceinAnderland

I risked being beaten or raped (again) by my DH.

He also threatened to kill himself.

Eventually, I left and told him to get on with it.

quervencourt · 03/10/2023 12:53

I can see how it has helped some to get out of an abusive relationship.

I didn't commit adultery (though my husband did many times - just because he could really and he had no loyalty to me or morals). I fell in love with someone (an emotional affair at most, nothing happened) didn't take it any further, as I didn't feel ready, or in a good place for a relationship. It did help me to see there was something better out there and to remain steadfast about ending things. I must have been so downtrodden before that I couldn't quite do it.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 03/10/2023 13:27

@Mountaineer0009 Your ChatGPT response has been reported

Mountaineer0009 · 03/10/2023 13:33

Didsomeonesaydogs · 03/10/2023 13:27

@Mountaineer0009 Your ChatGPT response has been reported

as far as im aware mumsnet has not set any guidelines on using ai programs ?

Mountaineer0009 · 03/10/2023 13:34

and considering how detailed the points are, how are they not useful to the conversation ?

Mountaineer0009 · 03/10/2023 13:35

shutting down the option of using ai programs seems odd , if the information produced can help the thread ?

Watchkeys · 03/10/2023 13:42

Willson · 03/10/2023 12:34

Those saying life isn't black amd white are just proving it actually is completely black and white.

If you're married and have kids you have two moral choices:

  1. Leave marriage and deal with all the negative consequences
  1. Stay married unhappily

Taking the third, cowardly, dishonest and selfish option of being too weak to leave and simultaneously to weak to resist shagging other people is wrong.

Grow a pair.

Leave

Then start shagging other people

Don't lie and deceive your spouse and kids. It's not hard.

Gosh, it's a good thing somebody knows everything!

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 03/10/2023 13:59

I think the type of cheater/cheating is relevant too - my ex FIL was an opportunistic serial cheat who did it because he felt he deserved it. Whereas two people I know had exit affairs and are still together with the OM many years later, no cheating before or since (as far as I'm aware, of course).

I'm not sure adultery is ever justified but as I get older I am more understanding of the relationship nuances which can lead to certain types of affair.

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 03/10/2023 14:05

Mountaineer0009 · 03/10/2023 13:35

shutting down the option of using ai programs seems odd , if the information produced can help the thread ?

By using AI in this kind of thread which is asking for people's opinions as opposed to needing advice, you're just cluttering up the thread with generic blurb that pretty much anyone could access.

LadyBird1973 · 03/10/2023 14:16

I don't want to know what AI thinks when I post on a thread - I want to know what real people are thinking and experiencing.

beenwhereyouare · 03/10/2023 14:32

@HongKongGarden

Words fail.

getsomehelp · 03/10/2023 14:41

I was unhappily married, but kept going, "made the most of it", for many valid reasons. (basically to avoid losing DC as live in another country)
He has had a stroke, & other complications including open heart surgery.
& was hospitalized for 11 months. He is unlikely to be autonomous again.
My life is effectively now to be his carer. Not even sure if I am allowed to divorce under the circumstances in this country.
Am I allowed to ever feel loved, or wanted again?

Looneytune253 · 03/10/2023 14:41

@HongKongGarden you would seriously add gaining weight to the acceptable reasons to cheat? Seriously? Genuinely not a reason to look elsewhere, if you can't deal with normal changes to a partner then finish it before you start an affair or just stay single. I can see how abuse may be a reason or the other person's infidelity but not body changes. How shallow