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Original poster

Is adultery ever justified

159 replies

Velvetpaws75 · 03/10/2023 10:11

Can it ever be morally justified to cheat on your partner whether married or not?
I have heard several people say it is fair enough if their sex life is absent or unsatisfying or they are otherwise unhappy in their relationship.
Personally I do not feel it is ever acceptable.
I think that if you are that unhappy either leave the relationship or get agreement that you can have sex with someone else.

OP posts:
Desecratedcoconut · 06/10/2023 04:39

No, I don't think so. Being dishonest about your intentions and actions with your spouse on this scale is cowardly. You owe them the opportunity to make an informed decision about what to do with that information.

pinkfondu · 06/10/2023 05:15

Replace adultery with war and you get quite similar answers.

It really boils down to other peoples opinions of what has happened and the circumstances surrounding it. Plus peoples experience of being hurt by it, or guilt from doing it, impacts their feelings about it. So you are never going to get a true consensus. Ultimately how does the person cheating feel about it, if they are remorseful they tend to be looked ar easier than those who repeatedly cheat and don't appear to be sorry about it.

WandaWonder · 06/10/2023 05:25

So basically if you can justify it to yourself its ok? could be said about everything we do then

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 06:07

THisbackwithavengeance · 03/10/2023 10:30

Being in an unhappy marriage is like the boiled frog syndrome. You don't just wake up and think oh my marriage is shit, I'll just leave which is supposedly how it happens on MN. In reality, you don't want to admit your marriage is shit so you work at it, you tell yourself that it's ok, it's just a rough patch, things will get better, you've made your bed now lie in it, divorce would be too hard, you can't afford to leave, it will ruin the kids lives. Your confidence and self esteem and self worth are often at rock bottom. All those things.

And then sometimes it takes meeting another person that you fancy/love and who doesn't treat you like shit to give you that kick up the arse that is required to shift you from your stupor and make a move. You might end up with that OW/OM you might not but they give you that impetus to leave.

I also know of couples who stay together married but have semi-separate lives and turn a blind eye. Also a single acquaintance of mine had a "friendship" with a man who married to a lady who had become disabled and could no longer have sex with her DH. Were they wrong? Should the man have left his disabled DW so he could have a sex life or should he have remained sexless for the rest of his life and accepted his lot?

Life isn't as black and white as portrayed on here.

Perfectly said. There are a lot of very black and white comments on here that just doesn't work in real life.

DaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisyDaisy · 06/10/2023 06:13

@THisbackwithavengeance hard agree

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 07:21

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 06:07

Perfectly said. There are a lot of very black and white comments on here that just doesn't work in real life.

Show quote history

No, I sat my now ex-husband down and we chatted about the problems in our marriage - we tried to rectify it then I called it a day. I didn't cheat. Neither did he

That's how it worked in my real life

MaxTalk · 06/10/2023 07:42

I totally understand it.

We are all selfish to an extent and want to be happy so cheating is something that happens. Whether the individual actively pushes back against the urge is a different matter.

Add in that many, if not most, long term relationships can pretty dull, it's easy to see why it happens.

MaxTalk · 06/10/2023 07:44

Desecratedcoconut · 06/10/2023 04:39

No, I don't think so. Being dishonest about your intentions and actions with your spouse on this scale is cowardly. You owe them the opportunity to make an informed decision about what to do with that information.

In a perfect world, yes.

In the real world, no.

Desecratedcoconut · 06/10/2023 07:50

In the gap between the perfect world and the selfish drive of the crocodile brain is a concept called a principle.

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 10:27

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 07:21

No, I sat my now ex-husband down and we chatted about the problems in our marriage - we tried to rectify it then I called it a day. I didn't cheat. Neither did he

That's how it worked in my real life

Show quote history

That is ONE example, clearly everybody is not you. Seems arrogant to assume no body else might have different experiences.

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 11:13

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 10:27

That is ONE example, clearly everybody is not you. Seems arrogant to assume no body else might have different experiences.

Show quote history

No, I find it very easy not to cheat on a partner. I just keep my legs closed. That is all you have to do. A man keeps it in his trousers and a woman keeps her legs shut

Is it so difficult to do that??? Really???????????

BadBadDecisions · 06/10/2023 11:21

What about cheating that doesn't involve sex @kamboozled

Emotional affairs are tricky things and you can (or I did) find myself in one during a really difficult and confusing period of my life.

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 11:35

@BadBadDecisions

When your relationship is in a bad place it's easy and understandable to feel something for someone else. That can't really be helped unless we live in a sex segregated society. However how a person feels, and how a person behaves regarding those feelings are two very different things.

I don't have much experience with people doing just emotional affairs tbh, but I'd imagine it's a lot easier to accidentally slip into one with texts, social media etc

BadBadDecisions · 06/10/2023 12:03

That's exactly it, it's so easy to do. It is certainly an affair though. I wouldn't have been sure about that before, but having been there...

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 12:38

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 11:13

No, I find it very easy not to cheat on a partner. I just keep my legs closed. That is all you have to do. A man keeps it in his trousers and a woman keeps her legs shut

Is it so difficult to do that??? Really???????????

Show quote history

Thank you....you are perfectly illustrating my point. Complete black and white thinking with no understanding of human behaviour.

Sex is so much more than a physical act for someone seeking some emotional connection. Sometimes without even knowing they were missing one.

Universalsnail · 06/10/2023 13:46

I don't think it's ever justified. If you are unhappy you should end the relationship.

That said I think it's understandable why it happens in sexless marriages where there are kids and leaving would blow up everyone's lives. I think it's complicated.

JenniferBooth · 06/10/2023 15:00

A young 19 year old woman back in 1992 (when there was no internet) wouldnt have even known a sexless marriage was even a thing especially as its ALWAYS being fed to young women that "blokes are only after one thing" Maybe if we stopped the gender stereotyping that might help. Its BECAUSE of this shit that when a man goes off sex AND affection the woman thinks its something that shes done wrong. How the fuck is a woman of that young age in the early 1990s supposed to even know that this is a thing.

JenniferBooth · 06/10/2023 15:02

@MaryShelley1818 Thank You Flowers

BadBadDecisions · 06/10/2023 15:31

Universalsnail · 06/10/2023 13:46

I don't think it's ever justified. If you are unhappy you should end the relationship.

That said I think it's understandable why it happens in sexless marriages where there are kids and leaving would blow up everyone's lives. I think it's complicated.

Sometimes you're not unhappy though. It's just humdrum life which feels fine but then bam, out of nowhere...

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 19:11

MaryShelley1818 · 06/10/2023 12:38

Thank you....you are perfectly illustrating my point. Complete black and white thinking with no understanding of human behaviour.

Sex is so much more than a physical act for someone seeking some emotional connection. Sometimes without even knowing they were missing one.

Show quote history

If you adopt a black and white way of thinking of it, it's a lot easier to avoid. It never has, and never will be an issue for me because it's not something I would ever do. I will never cheat, physically or emotionally as well, it's an unacceptable behavior same as abuse. Just a hard line rule for me.

If I am able to 100% absolutely avoid this using self- control and awareness - so are you and everyone else here. Please don't make excuses to cheat - it IS a choice! It's not an accident, it's not out of your control. It's a choice.

'Real life happens' - is just a terrible excuse for choosing to cheat. Everyone that never cheats are living real lives too, we're choosing not to cheat

JenniferBooth · 06/10/2023 19:28

Well if having people you can feel superior to makes you feel you are better than them fair enough. I used to think EXACTLY the same as you. Until a. anything intimate stopped when i was TWENTY THREE b. i grew up

BadBadDecisions · 06/10/2023 19:30

I used to feel exactly like that...

Mountaineer0009 · 06/10/2023 19:49

JenniferBooth · 06/10/2023 19:28

Well if having people you can feel superior to makes you feel you are better than them fair enough. I used to think EXACTLY the same as you. Until a. anything intimate stopped when i was TWENTY THREE b. i grew up

i can understand your perspectives and i agree that there are many different reasons for affairs, but for some people it is simple of yes or no to having an affair, and technically those that do have affairs for one reason or another are walking the moral fine line so to speak

kamboozled · 06/10/2023 19:54

@JenniferBooth
If you've fallen down the rabbit hole of cheating in the past, well what's done is done.

What you can do is from now, never do it again. You can join me in the 'I'll never cheat group.

It's not about me judging you or anyone else here, it's about people who have cheated wanting vindication, wanting people who've never cheated to 'understand' that sometimes 'life just happens'

What you need to remember is we're faced with the same temptations (sexless marriage at 25 here) and choose not to destroy our partners by cheating

If you want me or anyone else who has never cheated to agree that 'in the real world things just happen' - you'll be waiting a long time. In the real world a lot of us take a 'black and white' approach to cheating - and that is how we never cheat

SUCkythings · 06/10/2023 19:55

There are several situations in which it would be. What is the reason for your post?

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