Is adultery ever justified

[Velvetpaws75]

Can it ever be morally justified to cheat on your partner whether married or not?
I have heard several people say it is fair enough if their sex life is absent or unsatisfying or they are otherwise unhappy in their relationship.
Personally I do not feel it is ever acceptable.
I think that if you are that unhappy either leave the relationship or get agreement that you can have sex with someone else.

People have affairs very often precisely because they do not want to leave a marriage. That is the justification. A bit of fun that if play discreetly there is not harm done. Which is why sometimes you see women on affairs waiting for the guy to get divorce and never ever happens for whatever reason they do not want to leave. People value some other aspects of the marriage and family more. For the ones saying leave if you are unhappy. Very rarely people would risk the stability for chasing unknown sex adventures.

I am surprised that people think a long term health problem justifies cheating.
In sickness and in health spells it out as far as I am concerned if you truly love someone.
Would people who think its ok in this circumstance tell their partner this when they first get together? ie if you get ill and can’t satisfy me sexually I reserve the right to shag someone else?
I have nursed someone through a long illness until their eventual death. Sex was the last thing I was worried about.

The ten commandments are irrelevant, but if you routinely break your marriage vows, eg you don't love your spouse and have no intention of ever doing do again, I do think it very hypocritical if you complain that (s)he broke her/his vow of sexual fidelity.

You think it's acceptable to cheat because someone gains a few pounds?
Fucking hell, morals really are in the gutter these days!
Have a word with yourself.

I’ll not take lessons in morals from you thanks.

A man can have an affair if his wife gains weight? Blimey

No. That's just something cheaters say so they're not responsible for their behavior. It's victim blaming. "You got fat." "You got old." "My wife doesn't understand me."

I think you are. But many on here won't agree.

I am surprised that people think a long term health problem justifies cheating.

@Velvetpaws75 you’ve clearly never read any thread on ‘carers’ on here. Or about disabled people. Because I can tell you that a partner becoming chronically ill is seen by most as a huge issue, a burden etc…. All very ableist.

Nope, sit down, talk, leave and move on. That's how it should be, cheating is wrong.

I know of a pair of elderly people one whose spouse has died and the other spouse is in a home with dementia. I find it quite hard to judge in that particular case.

We're all human, we're all fallible, there are so many shades of grey in between black and white.

I think the reason why is far more important than the actual cheating. Were they just selfish arseholes only ever interested in self gratification? Were they in a horrible marriage that they didn't have the strength to leave? Were they as a couple going through a really bad patch and the affair becomes a wake up call? Did one partner already absent themselves from the emotional side of the marriage and left the other one on their own? Are they both good people that just married the wrong people? Did they change a lot since getting married and meeting someone else brought that out?

And so, so many other reasons.

I know of a few couples where they guy was married to their work, absolute workaholics. In a few the husband had the affairs (partly due to ease from travelling, partly due to emotional connection to someone they worked closely with, in a couple of them though the wife had the affair because she was so lonely. But all of them were caused by the emotionally and physical absenting of the husband.

As a friend, not my position to judge, and if I was friends with the wife then in either circumstance I would be there to support them.

If they were selfish arseholes that were happy to cheat whenever they felt like it, then I wouldn't want to be friends with them because that selfish nature would inevitably come out within the friendship as well and I wouldn't want that in my own life anyway.

As for whether cheating is ever ok…..

I don’t think it’s ok.

But I do think that in some cases, it’s understandable. Like the situation @getsomehelp is in (I had a friend of mine in a similar position too).

I also have seen all the good that having an affair had on a friend of mine. It gave her the strength to leave a physically and emotionally abusive man (who sent her to hospital when she was pregnant - she lost the baby). I’d see that as a HUGE positive tbh.

Why not? I was responding to someone making other excuses for it.

Once you head down that road ou f finding justifications then who’s to say where to draw the line?

You draw the line in a different way depending on your values @HongKongGarden .

If your values say that it is NEVER ok then these are your values. Same if they say that putting on weight on/getting bald/old/whatever is ok. That’s part of your values.

But people are allowed different values than the ones you hold.

The important part is to have communicated about them BEFORE getting married/being in a LTR.

Thats true for me re sex for example.
If not having sex is such an issue that you think it’s ok to either have an affair or get divorced, then people should have agreed to that with their DP before hand. It never happens though. It’s sort of assumed which is the biggest issue in the first place.

But it's all a degree, isn't it? If someone drank a bit, that's fine, but if they were an alcoholic then I wouldn't stick around.

If they were obese (as in the BMI range of obese) that's one thing (and that's me anyway, but losing weight slowly...) but if they were so large that they could barely get around anymore, then if i'm being honest I'm not sure I'd stay.

If an addiction of any sort were to impact my life then I wouldn't stick around anymore. I did stay in my first marriage and kept being supportive until he so totally destroyed it and me that I would never let myself be in that position again.

Selfish of me? Probably. Do I care? Nope. I will put myself and my DSs first from now on.

But maybe I'm the wrong one to give an opinion of this because quite frankly it would take a hell of a lot to persuade me to marry someone now. And if I saw friends being treated badly in a marriage I couldn't give a flying fuck if they had an affair.

Do not judge.

We shall be known for our action not our speeches or our posts.
My friend had been badly treated by her H. Her son knew. She moved out and lived by herself for 12 months, but her son refused to see her until she moved back.

She moved back, she had an affair. Her H worked it out especially when she was away for a weekend or overnight. She wanted to divorce he said no. She could have divorced him but would not separate from her now adult son who would always blame her.

Can't always move on if there are children.

Having a strong desire for sex and intimacy doesn't make someone a bad person though. It happened to be convenient for you because you weren't that fussed about it. For someone else, it could have been utterly soul destroying.

I think women shouldn't move to countries where they have fewer rights to their children (or even to divorce) than a man does. It's awful to be trapped in a country and forced into having an affair to get any sort of affection in life!

I don't agree that normal life changes (like aging, or a bit of weight gain) are justification for cheating, but people have a responsibility to try and remain attractive and appealing to their spouse. So massive weight gain and refusing to address it, or lack of hygiene and I can see why an affair would be tempting. But really the solution is to communicate honestly and if no resolution can be reached, to leave the relationship. That's the dignified and respectful way to behave.
But I couldn't really condemn someone for seeking solace in another relationship, if married to someone who was emotionally absent for years, but divorce would cause major negative repercussions.

So people are providing pretty extreme circumstances as examples of reasons to cheat. In fact one them is used by Esther Perel in her book state of affairs.

Which ironically focuses on the betrayed spouse on acceptance of the affair and basically getting over it and rationalising the hurt, pain and trauma.

But gives huge understanding and leeway to person having the affair, because in essence they just couldn't help it. As if they were the party with no control or agency unlike the unsuspecting partner.

Are they ever excusable. Well if your spouse is in a care home and doesn't know who you are, I wouldn't consider it an affair.

Most affairs though begin because the person having them is missing something. It's easy to point the finger at the existing relationship, but actually I think its more internal. The need for internal validation, excitement, different type of sex. Which actually isn't a need at all its a want.

Is it excusable or justifiable in those circumstances. No the damage done to the other party is in no way justified.

Part of growing up and becoming a mature adult is understanding that life is not always perfect... And you should not try to make it perfect by harming other people's lives, especially those of children, or of the person you chose to make a commitment to.

It seems like many of those "unhappily married" men only notice they are unhappy when they meet someone willing to cheat with them!

I sympathise with people who truly feel trapped or even abused, but we need to stop making excuses for all the rest.

I agree with this.

No.

It is interesting and upsetting that weight gain has twice been mentioned at the same time as lack of hygiene
Weight gain is a complex subject with far more causes than simple greed as some of society thinks. People may not be able to change their weight and I don’t see it as on a par with someone being smelly and dirty
I love someone because who they are, not what they look like or what they can do for me in bed.
Also I can’t believe the person who implied that is was “convenient” for me not to have sex when nursing a dying person.
Morals seem to be made to fit whatever needs/ wants are in some cases.
How many people would actually want to marry/ move in with someone who told them at the start that long term illness, disability, weight gain or anything else would lead to infidelity?