Am I The Problem? DH is bored (of sex/life?)

[UnicornDust20]

Hi Mums! I'm after some advice as my husband declared last night that he finds out sex boring, and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit too sensitive or I'm right in thinking he's expecting too much.

We have been together for 5 years with a 4 year old. Both work full time. We have sex roughly 3/4 times a week and both seemed to enjoy it. He's bought me stuff to dress up in, toys etc which we occasionally use.

Last night he said that he was bored of our sex - it's predictable, scheduled and he wants to try new things and be more spontaneous. I said we can try and I'm open to ideas, but spontaniety is a bit difficult working full time with a 4 year old. I do nearly all childcare and all housework, so by the end of the day I've not got much left to give.

Anyway, it erupted into an argument - he then went on to say he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up, he's bored of the general daily routine. I said perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him. I got really upset about his comments and I still am, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

Please can I have an outside opinion? Am I being a wet blanket!?

Angers me. Yes we should make effort to look smell nice but why is that onus always on the woman? Does your husband wear nice underwear for you, dress up for you etc? If no then there's a counter argument.

What effort is he making to make himself more appealing sexually?

Sounds like he's all about trying to get you to perform for him, while you're also doing the lion's share of childcare, housework and working full-time.

It's a very unequal relationship. Of course it's going to erupt into an argument if you point that out - because he's got to shut you down.

I think the guy's an arsehole.

It's a good thing to talk about how to make a relationship better. From what you've written though, you husband was very critical and he didn't have ideas. He dumped his frustration on you without offering a way out.

Would that be a fair comment? It must be tough to deal with this, and if he wasn't that bad, if YOU'RE the one who is talking out of frustration right now, then that would be understandable. But I'll assume he was as awful as you've said.

First of all, sex 3-4 times per week when there are full-time jobs and a four-year-old is amazing. He should be counting his blessings. Of course it's fair enough to point out that he whinging about a situation most parents of young children would consider great.

Your comments about housework were more than fair. It's 2023 and it's hard to believe that there are still men out there who can't do the maths. If you are constantly run ragged, then of course you're not going to have much energy left over to get creative. Like I said, though, he sounds spoiled. You're doing amazingly well to be having any sex and yet it's happening 3-4 times per week.

You need to talk about this when both of you are calmer. Warn him it's coming and tell him you want to have a constructive conversation where the goal is to find a solution so he can spend time thinking about his words and figuring out how to stay calm.

Tell him that you want both of you to be happy and you're willing to help figure out how to do that. But he can't come and dump the problem on you and expect you to be responsible for finding a solution. You already have to manage so much. He needs to STOP blaming you and start having a friendlier, more loving approach to you. If he cares about you, he won't want to see you swamped with work and exhausted, so he will start doing his share. And he will make an effort to manage a solution to the problem he raised. You'll participate but will not take on yet another responsibility.

Finally, tell him that you'd like to feel appreciated and not just criticized.

I can't imagine having any sex with such a lazy fecker.

Tell him to step up and share parenting/running the house. You might find 10 minutes to give you some time and not be too knackered for anything other than ‘easy’ sex.

So many fucking selfish men who parenthood barely impacts because they’ve decided you do everything, and then blame the wife for lack of sexy! Selfish, thoughtless, thick and stereotypical lame bloke.

He doesn’t sound very shaggable tbh

He sounds like a bit of a dick tbh.
And why are you doing everything if you both work full time?

Just tell him some home truths then, what you don’t like about him and also tell him him putting you down is a turnoff

ask him what he is going to do in the house to make sure you are not so tired, and ask why is it your responsibility to do everything ,

men like him make me so cross

I’m so sorry I don’t think it’s fair for you to feel like this. 3/4 times a week is great! My hubby is happy with 1/2 times a week whatever underwear I’m wearing. We have a 4 and 5 year old. That is so much pressure on you especially when you’re doing all the house / child stuff. I think he is being unreasonable!

Does he wear sexy underwear and makeup at night??
Nothing wrong with having a sensitive discussion around both of your needs and wants in the bedroom but it really isn’t the time to be hurling insults and making either party feel shit.
Of course you’re exhausted if you’re giving your all to the house and the childcare stuff, he sounds like a selfish bastard to be honest!

I just never understood posts like your’s OP. I think you need to take a step back and think about what you need. Firstly what sort of sex do you want? Your body, your choices? What do you desire? What does he do for you?

This is all about him, what do you want to feel like when you have sex? This isn’t a performance for him. And fair play to you on 3-4 times a week! That’s a lot of sex! Especially when it’s so forced.

Well, I couldn't be arsed with sex 3-4 times a week. He's very lucky to be getting that.

He's being unreasonable. So you need to start wearing make up and sexy underwear every night? I'd be telling him to fuck right off.

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

No, you are not the problem here.
You are both working full-time and yet you are doing nearly all the housework and childcare?
I am surprised you are having sex 3-4 times a week, to be honest, I would be bloody pissed off at his sense of entitlement and would resent doing everything too much to be intimate with him. (Probably why I am single, to be fair).

You've lost me completely - you both work full time & you do all the childcare & housework?! He's lucky to get any sex at all. I'd go on strike. Does he make any effort whatsoever on any front? He needs to be seducing you I'd say.

Tell him you're going into town next weekend to browse the nice underwear shops and the make-up counters. You'll stop off on the way home for a couple of glasses to put you in the mood.
And if he has dinner cooked, the house cleaned and the four-year-old tucked up in bed by the time you get back, you'll be up and ready for any kind of sex that he still has energy for.

@Antst
If you are having sex 3-4 a week, clearly , he is managing to overcome his boredom with a great degree of frequency. I would point out that you don't have much time to spend thinking about variety as so much of your time is taken up doing all of the household chores.

this will be an unpopular opinion on MN, but I think your dp’s request is totally reasonable. My dp is v visual and part of keeping sex alive is to dress up a bit. I use what I look like as a kind of foreplay or teasing. For people who are very visually stimulated I think it is a stretch to think that sex that starts after the washing up is done when everyone in this pyjamas is hard work. Especially given how much you do it! So find out what he likes and get used to include it, my dp likes really heavy makeup or jewellery for example so I wear it on days when I think I’d like some sex!

However… This does not mean that the division of labour is right in your family but they’re different arguments. You want him to help more? Great! You need to negotiate that in your relationship and not just harbour resentment. Maybe him doing the washing up or putting the kids to bed would make you feel more sexy as you wouldn’t be so tired. That’s totally valid and you’re allowed to ask for it.

Keeping sex going in a long term relationship when you are parents involves bringing in some novelty and spice. It’s totally reasonable for him to talk to you about what would work for him, you should
think about what would work for you. What fantasies do you have do you ever share them? What gets you in the mood?

im not that visual, but I need physical affection during the day to feel close to dp before I feel sexy. So part of my demand is that he gives me hugs and kisses through the day.

I would be telling him to get stuffed. Why should you be getting dressed up to go to bed? You are no doubt tired after a day at work and even if you weren't you do not exist to serve him sexually. He sounds awful.

@Mari9999, that's basically what I said.

CF.. he wants a more exciting sex life and it’s up to you to provide it… yep he’s an idiot. Tell him porn isn’t real life Ffs.

Ask him when you get the time to do this … because you cook dinner, sort kid, wash up, sort kids and you for tomorrow… SLEEP. If he wants something different he provides the ideas, and most importantly the time for you to consider it

Spontaneity is incompatible with heavy makeup/sexy underwear. I don’t understand how that’s not obvious to him?
Women take their makeup off to sleep and wear comfortable underwear and/or pyjamas at night. Heavy makeup/uncomfortable lingerie in bed implies planning!

This does not mean that the division of labour is right in your family but they’re different arguments.

They aren't different arguments. She's tired because he's a lazy arse. He wants sex that's spontaneous and exciting, even though he's getting laid 3-4 times a weeks, it's not enough. He wants more effort, but she's knackered. Because she does all the childcare and housework and works full time.

I'd also like to know what he's like in bed. Is there an orgasm gap? I bet there is.

Just thinking back to when I was much younger sex 3-4 x per week with a full time job and no children would be quite an ask ….. what were things like before you had a child and ‘ was he / you both /adventurous ‘ then

Why are you doing the bulk of the childcare and housework when you already work full time??!

I'd be telling him you're sick of his constant moaning, lazy entitled attitude and the fact that he never makes an effort. There's nothing more unattractive than a man who moans and complains about a woman not being everything he expects yet he does fuck all within the relationship or to make himself more attractive. I'd LTB because I don't think he'll change. His next request will be to add someone else to your sex life, either in the way of a threesome (he has someone in mind) or having an open relationship (because he has someone in mind?.