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Original poster

Am I The Problem? DH is bored (of sex/life?)

127 replies

UnicornDust20 · 01/10/2023 19:49

Hi Mums! I'm after some advice as my husband declared last night that he finds out sex boring, and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit too sensitive or I'm right in thinking he's expecting too much.

We have been together for 5 years with a 4 year old. Both work full time. We have sex roughly 3/4 times a week and both seemed to enjoy it. He's bought me stuff to dress up in, toys etc which we occasionally use.

Last night he said that he was bored of our sex - it's predictable, scheduled and he wants to try new things and be more spontaneous. I said we can try and I'm open to ideas, but spontaniety is a bit difficult working full time with a 4 year old. I do nearly all childcare and all housework, so by the end of the day I've not got much left to give.

Anyway, it erupted into an argument - he then went on to say he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up, he's bored of the general daily routine. I said perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him. I got really upset about his comments and I still am, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

Please can I have an outside opinion? Am I being a wet blanket!?

OP posts:
CallieQ · 02/10/2023 00:53

You both work full time... why does he not share childcare and housework? Tell him to make more effort in bed too

SeatonCarew · 02/10/2023 06:48

My first thought when I read your post OP was I bet he's a porn hound. He gives off lazy and entitled vibes, and as others have said, don't be surprised if he gets worse and keeps upping the ante.

It's not you, it's him. I'm sorry.

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 07:17

My guess he's starting the seeds for an affair. He'll keep upping the demands, and anything op does won't be good enough, because he doesn't want her to be. Then he'll have the affair and it will be all the ops fault because 'he wasn't getting any sex.' She'll either not find out and he'll have another one. Eventually she'll find out. She'll either forgive him and thus he'll carry on. Or not, but by then he'll have had years of having his pants cleaned, dinner made, and sex on tap.

Divorce him op. He's horrible. You'll be happier without him, and you'll model to your child what is not acceptable in a relationship.

But like someone said upthread you won't. Because to you having a man, any man, is worth it. You haven't come back to the thread because you aren't ready to hear the truth.

Velvian · 02/10/2023 07:29

3 to 4 times a week, dress up and toys is shit loads more effort than I could be arsed with.

If he's looking elsewhere, I think he will end up seriously disappointed after the novelty has worn off.

He expects you to look sexy to go to sleep? Does he realise you're an actual human with as much right to exist as him?

He sounds like an utterly shit husband.

ohdamnitjanet · 02/10/2023 07:32

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 20:17

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

Well said.

Naunet · 02/10/2023 08:35

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 20:17

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

This.

KateMiddletonsExtensions · 02/10/2023 08:38

Tinkerbyebye · 01/10/2023 20:11

Just tell him some home truths then, what you don’t like about him and also tell him him putting you down is a turnoff

ask him what he is going to do in the house to make sure you are not so tired, and ask why is it your responsibility to do everything ,

men like him make me so cross

He shouldn't be helping with housework.

He should be DOING housework in his own house. It's not primarily your job.

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 08:40

I'd say someone has turned his head and he's picking faults and turning it on you. Don't do the pick me dance. Tell him that you are sorry he can't seem to maintain interest once a relationship is long term, and that doesn't bode well for his future happiness, but if he's bored and looking for novelty can he at least be honest rather than calling you or your sex life insulting names, as if he thinks he could do better, then so could you.

Weenurse · 02/10/2023 08:46

This is where I would go away for a week for a conference and let him deal with everything.
I do agree with other PP, the excitement has been replaced by normal family life and he is missing the spontaneity of a child free life.
Be prepared for him not hanging around no matter how much sex You have

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/10/2023 09:47

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 20:17

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

I'm afraid this is exactly what I think. You don't exist for him as a person; you are just there to make his life better. He sounds absolutely awful.

emmylousings · 02/10/2023 10:03

Millybob · 01/10/2023 20:22

Tell him you're going into town next weekend to browse the nice underwear shops and the make-up counters. You'll stop off on the way home for a couple of glasses to put you in the mood.
And if he has dinner cooked, the house cleaned and the four-year-old tucked up in bed by the time you get back, you'll be up and ready for any kind of sex that he still has energy for.

Love this!!

Lennon80 · 02/10/2023 10:18

Branleuse · 02/10/2023 08:40

I'd say someone has turned his head and he's picking faults and turning it on you. Don't do the pick me dance. Tell him that you are sorry he can't seem to maintain interest once a relationship is long term, and that doesn't bode well for his future happiness, but if he's bored and looking for novelty can he at least be honest rather than calling you or your sex life insulting names, as if he thinks he could do better, then so could you.

Totally agree - this is the start of the story when they have met someone else or had their head turned. Start to look for faults in current relationship. Emotionally prepare yourself as I wouldn’t be at all surprised if this is where this is going.

PictureFrameWindow · 02/10/2023 10:18

Gross. Why do you want to have sex with someone so lazy?

Comtesse · 02/10/2023 10:19

He sounds entitled, shallow and lazy. What are his good qualities??

HappyHedgehog247 · 02/10/2023 10:22

You are being a wet blanket but only in relation to division of labour. What's he doing while you do childcare and housework?

BitOutOfPractice · 02/10/2023 10:22

tell him that lazy arsed entitled arseholes are a big turn off for you and you’re bored by him.

god the entitlement would make my vagina clamp shut forever.

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/10/2023 11:34

arethereanyleftatall · 02/10/2023 07:17

My guess he's starting the seeds for an affair. He'll keep upping the demands, and anything op does won't be good enough, because he doesn't want her to be. Then he'll have the affair and it will be all the ops fault because 'he wasn't getting any sex.' She'll either not find out and he'll have another one. Eventually she'll find out. She'll either forgive him and thus he'll carry on. Or not, but by then he'll have had years of having his pants cleaned, dinner made, and sex on tap.

Divorce him op. He's horrible. You'll be happier without him, and you'll model to your child what is not acceptable in a relationship.

But like someone said upthread you won't. Because to you having a man, any man, is worth it. You haven't come back to the thread because you aren't ready to hear the truth.

This is precisely the abridged version of my marriage.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 02/10/2023 11:35

KeepNameChanging81 · 01/10/2023 22:17

Read this OP, I mean I don’t know if you’re there yet but you need to take time away from sex with this man. He’s draining you of your energy.

Take time for you.

https://goop.com/wellness/spirituality/how-to-cultivate-divine-feminine-energy/

I'm sorry but what a pile of shit. All that article is is another to-do list for women to make them feel like not only are they behind on the laundry, coasting at work and late for the school run, they aren't taking enough time to ground and centre themselves. FFS. The very first thing they do is suggest getting up EVEN EARLIER than everyone else in the house to do a morning ritual.

You can't cultivate any damn thing when you are overworked and underappreciated. Her divine feminine isn't the problem here, it's her twat husband.

ThreeBearsPorridge · 02/10/2023 11:43

Didsomeonesaydogs · 02/10/2023 11:34

This is precisely the abridged version of my marriage.

Show quote history

I have a close friend who was in a marriage exactly like this. He did nothing around the house or with the kids but wanted regular sex. He told her if he didn’t get more sex he’d have an affair. They started having timetabled sex to meet his demands . He did have an affair so she divorced him.

Crikeyalmighty · 02/10/2023 12:12

A man who is cheating or think he might cheat 'needs' you to be less than perfect- so he can justify his behaviour

MumHereAgain2023 · 02/10/2023 12:15

Wow sorry but he is right royal shit. You are not sexy enough for goodness sake.
3/4 times a week most would think that's more than enough
Sorry but I wouldn't stay in a relationship where someone talked to me like that. Take me as I am make/no make up, sexy clothes/comfy underwear who gives a duck they should love you for you.

Ansjovis · 02/10/2023 12:43

What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

I can see what he's getting out of it: childcare, housework (plus being relieved of having to do much of either himself), plus sex 3/4 times a week. What do you get in return? You don't have to put the answer here if you don't want to but I would think very carefully about it and be brutally honest with yourself. Furthermore, if you do manage to make a list, how many items on that list are basic prerequisites for being a half decent human being and how many are showing genuine love and care towards you? Let's not put the bar so low it may as well be on the floor.

FinallyHere · 02/10/2023 12:55

Nothing about this man appears to me in any way attractive.

Pity he can't see the connection between perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him and your sex life together.

So, so common. So, so sad

piscofrisco · 02/10/2023 13:04

And what's be doing to pretty himself up for you? I blame porn for this sort of attitude. Suddenly it's not ok to have sex with your wife 4 times a week, she must be also be in a leather basque with blow dried hair and full make up on. Get to fuck.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/10/2023 16:38

FinallyHere · 02/10/2023 12:55

Nothing about this man appears to me in any way attractive.

Pity he can't see the connection between perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him and your sex life together.

So, so common. So, so sad

One of my favourite quotes is "no women ever started an argument while a man was washing up".

Men seem baffled about why their wives aren't;t horny and happy while they have 'hobbies' instead of housework.