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Original poster

Am I The Problem? DH is bored (of sex/life?)

127 replies

UnicornDust20 · 01/10/2023 19:49

Hi Mums! I'm after some advice as my husband declared last night that he finds out sex boring, and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit too sensitive or I'm right in thinking he's expecting too much.

We have been together for 5 years with a 4 year old. Both work full time. We have sex roughly 3/4 times a week and both seemed to enjoy it. He's bought me stuff to dress up in, toys etc which we occasionally use.

Last night he said that he was bored of our sex - it's predictable, scheduled and he wants to try new things and be more spontaneous. I said we can try and I'm open to ideas, but spontaniety is a bit difficult working full time with a 4 year old. I do nearly all childcare and all housework, so by the end of the day I've not got much left to give.

Anyway, it erupted into an argument - he then went on to say he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up, he's bored of the general daily routine. I said perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him. I got really upset about his comments and I still am, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

Please can I have an outside opinion? Am I being a wet blanket!?

OP posts:
nobodysdaughternow · 01/10/2023 20:39

Poor you op.

It's really sad your first line in defence against his selfish attack, was if he did more housework, you would have time available to pander to his sexual wants. Unbelievable!

He thinks he's got you sorted and trained to never consider your own needs. Show him that ain't so. Doesn't matter how you do it. He is an artless prick so maybe just start with that?

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 01/10/2023 20:43

he then went on to say he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up,

Wtf. You're not a sex doll. I've been happily married for 20 years. I've never worn sexy underwear or make-up to bed. He sounds like a misogynist twat.

Quartz2208 · 01/10/2023 20:44

So you work full time do all the housework and childcare have sex 3/4 times a week and he still complains

what does he bring to your world

KeepNameChanging81 · 01/10/2023 20:44

Talk about objectification. Women are losing their feminine energy pandering to men.

Zerrin13 · 01/10/2023 20:48

This man is used to you being here to serve him. You are providing a full time wage, you are cooking and cleaning and doing the majority of childcare. He is also having sex very regularly. As if this want enough all already he has decided to try and extract even more out of you by demanding a more enriching sex life. When you come in from a full day at work, in-between getting dinner, doing bedtime and preparing for the next day, he would like you to be fully made up, wearing a miniscule thong and in performance mode. He is used to you trying to keep him happy and entertained. He is moving the goalposts. He sounds selfish and unkind. He is used to putting himself first.

roarrfeckingroar · 01/10/2023 20:51

YANBU
You had a child very early in your relationship and probably wouldn't have stayed together otherwise.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 20:53

Genuinely op - how on Earth can you think you're the problem given what you e told us? Just how? I don't get it.
You've just described a pathetic, selfish, lazy, sexist man who you should have not had a child with as soon as it was obvious he was going to leave all the work to you - and then wondered if you're doing something wrong. It genuinely beggars belief.
Switch it round op - stop trying to make him happy. It's not your role. What is he doing to make you happy?

ThreeBearsPorridge · 01/10/2023 20:54

What on earth do you find attractive about this unpleasant, selfish and lazy man?

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 20:55

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 20:17

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

Absolutely this.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/10/2023 20:55

You should be fucking furious that your husband is such a self-absorbed, selfish, lazy arsehole. Why on earth are you tolerating this?

Orio2023 · 01/10/2023 20:59

my husband declared last night that he finds out sex boring

In comparison to what? Where has he got the idea that women should wear sexy clothing and have a full face of make up? Porn sick perhaps?

Stop being his maid. Doing so is solidifying his idea you are there to serve him.

plumtreebroke · 01/10/2023 21:00

3 to 4 times a week with a small child and he wants it to be more interesting, tell him he's lucky what he gets!

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2023 21:01

I'm sorry OP but he seems to have mistaken you for a hooker - where you need to be dressing up and acting a performance 4 or 5 times a week, whilst also doing all the housework and head work.

He needs to be aware this kind of behaviour often ends up in divorce - there is nothing less sexy than a bloke who does sod all around the home but expects sex on tap with all the bells and whistles

EarthSight · 01/10/2023 21:02

he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up

😮

Is he now? I have a feeling OP that the issue isn't what you do in terms of activity when you do have sex, it's that he's bored of monogamy. Don't be surprised if he seriously suggests a threesome.

Lots of men would be grateful and delighted at having regular sex, and you have a young child too. The dressing up sounds a bit grim and lots of women wouldn't like this btw, not to mention the make-up comment.

YukoandHiro · 01/10/2023 21:02

3-4 times a week?

Christ we're lucky if we're anywhere near that in a month. Tbh it's about 2x a month at the moment. 6yo and 2yo plus jobs with a shift rota and a house Reno.

You can't do everything. He's expecting too much.

You need to address this now. Couples therapy?

OfficerChurlish · 01/10/2023 21:05

Of course he can tell you he's unhappy and be clear about what he'd like to do differently sexually/romantically (as you could tell him, if you were unhappy), but he's unreasonable to make a big fuss and blame you, especially if this is the first time the issue has been raised. However, I wouldn't give him the impression that you'll make more of an effort to compromise on sex if he "helps" with the shared household and childcare responsibilities - he's not even doing his half right now, let alone helping you with yours! I'm not sure if he's a raging misogynist or if he just feels entitled for some reason to take advantage of you personally, but I'd imagine the long term consequences are going to be a lot more serious that you not wanting to dress up for sex with him. I'm not sure how this situation came about, but clearly you're unhappy with the insane unfairness, so this needs to change before you worry about the other stuff - even if the two of you decide to take a vow of celibacy.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/10/2023 21:07

You need to stop thinking this man is a prize op.
He isn't.
You are.

QuickDraining · 01/10/2023 21:08

Admittedly sex has collapsed in most of my long term relationships so I am no expert at all. But I'd say 3/4 times a week is a lot. Perhaps turn the tap down to spice it up a little.

Blueuggboots · 01/10/2023 21:15

I was married to one of these.....wanted me dress up, wear make up, act "sexy" and couldn't understand why I was never interested after a full day of housework and child rearing when he'd done diddly squat!
I divorced him.

PermanentTemporary · 01/10/2023 21:15

Were you having sex every day before you had a child? Is that what he's looking for? Do you think that's realistic for you now?

I think decide what kind of sex life you would like first, then talk.

I don't have any objection to lingerie or daily sex myself but it's such a fucking turnoff to have someone demand these things.

Beautifulday3 · 01/10/2023 21:17

Tell him you’ll book a weekend away but he is only invited if he shares childcare and chores from now onwards!

AmazingSnakeHead · 01/10/2023 21:19

he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up

Like others, I find this comment really shit. I'd be tempted to leave him and find someone who wants to have sex with you, and not a dressed up doll. Why should you have to hide your face behind make up to have sex with this lazy disgrace of a man? I'm also very interested to know how he plans to make himself more sexually enticing to you.

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Mountaineer0009 · 01/10/2023 21:24

how much help does he give ?

ButDaddyILoveHim · 01/10/2023 21:24

he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up

The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hooker.

Honestly, OP, he's a pig.

Nicole1111 · 01/10/2023 21:36

Present him with a to do list for each day of all your chores and tell him that you are confident your sex drive and capacity for spontaneity will increase once he takes over doing all you do