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Original poster

Am I The Problem? DH is bored (of sex/life?)

127 replies

UnicornDust20 · 01/10/2023 19:49

Hi Mums! I'm after some advice as my husband declared last night that he finds out sex boring, and I'm not sure if I'm being a bit too sensitive or I'm right in thinking he's expecting too much.

We have been together for 5 years with a 4 year old. Both work full time. We have sex roughly 3/4 times a week and both seemed to enjoy it. He's bought me stuff to dress up in, toys etc which we occasionally use.

Last night he said that he was bored of our sex - it's predictable, scheduled and he wants to try new things and be more spontaneous. I said we can try and I'm open to ideas, but spontaniety is a bit difficult working full time with a 4 year old. I do nearly all childcare and all housework, so by the end of the day I've not got much left to give.

Anyway, it erupted into an argument - he then went on to say he's fed up of seeing me in non-sexy underwear at night/no make up, he's bored of the general daily routine. I said perhaps if he helped me around the house I would have more energy for him. I got really upset about his comments and I still am, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

Please can I have an outside opinion? Am I being a wet blanket!?

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 01/10/2023 21:36

Ps what an absolute bellend he is

LightSpeeds · 01/10/2023 21:43

Wow, he's got you well trained. Both working full time and you're doing most of everything else too! Are you happy with your share of the workload?

He sounds like an entitled, arrogant arse.

Lennon80 · 01/10/2023 21:46

I’m amazed at how calm these replies are - if a partner said that to me or even had the expectation I’d ‘dress up’ for him like a performing sex toy I’d be gone! He’s clearly porn sick and wants to do stuff he’s seeing online and getting very confused about what the vast majority of relationships look like. He sounds like a creepy fucking perv. I’d be out of this like a shot. He views you as there to service his sexual needs - this is not a normal or healthy relationship whatsoever!

Spacemoon · 01/10/2023 21:47

OP, ask yourself - what does HE bring to the table? Assuming he must be an absolute dynamite in bed for you to put up with his lack of household and childcare duties? What does he bring to the relationship? What does he do for you? Does he make an effort to look sexy for bed? Does he go out of his way to initiate spontaneous and fun sex?

I will say, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him discussing wanting a more interesting sex life. Contrary to what MN would have you believe, 3-4 times a week is fantastic, especially as parents with busy lives, but it isn't exactly earth shattering and I can see how this would be a bit repetitive and boring over time, especially if it's always the same kind of sex, similar positions, similar times and days each week etc. HOWEVER he has gone about this in such a dickhead way and clearly doesn't respect you. He is treating you like a maid in the daytime and then expects you to be his own personal sex doll at night. It doesn't sound like he has thought about your needs at all. What do you think about your sex life? Would you like sex more frequently or do you have any kinks/things you'd like to try? Sex and pleasure should be 50/50, as should household chores and childcare when you both work full time, but it doesn't sound like you have anywhere near this kind of balance in any aspect of your lives. Is this something you can put up with long term?

Sidenote: The comments saying 'i'd go on strike' and 'he's lucky to be getting that much sex' are awful...comments like this feed into the incorrect notion that sex is for men and women are there to please the man and get no joy from it their selves. Ugh.

StarDolphins · 01/10/2023 21:49

tell him you’re bored of having to do most of the work with DC. I’m amazed at the amount of men wanting a sexy secretary to seduce him like she is just idly looking round for stuff to do. A lot of men don’t get to have sex 3/4 times a week.

Men that moan about the lack of effort in the bedroom but do f all to meet the woman’s needs outside the bedroom.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 01/10/2023 21:53

He’s hardly suffering is he ?

you are doing everything and somehow managing to screw him 3-4 times a week

selfish and entitled

LightSpeeds · 01/10/2023 21:54

Lennon80 · 01/10/2023 21:46

I’m amazed at how calm these replies are - if a partner said that to me or even had the expectation I’d ‘dress up’ for him like a performing sex toy I’d be gone! He’s clearly porn sick and wants to do stuff he’s seeing online and getting very confused about what the vast majority of relationships look like. He sounds like a creepy fucking perv. I’d be out of this like a shot. He views you as there to service his sexual needs - this is not a normal or healthy relationship whatsoever!

Ditto. I'd not be putting up with a bloke like this (the housework issue alone wouldn't have lasted more than 5 minutes)!

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2023 22:12

@EarthSight unfortunately I think the same- I suspect OP that really it's marriage and monogamy he's bored of. Some men simply aren't cut out for it long term- they like relationships to be novel and exciting and the sex to resemble porn- once it doesn't then they simply lose interest . This has nothing to do with you by the way and everything to do with a man who wants the moon on a stick and a woman desparate enough for a bloke that she will jump through hoops- I'm going to predict that he's not that great a catch either-

KeepNameChanging81 · 01/10/2023 22:17

Read this OP, I mean I don’t know if you’re there yet but you need to take time away from sex with this man. He’s draining you of your energy.

Take time for you.

https://goop.com/wellness/spirituality/how-to-cultivate-divine-feminine-energy/

masking123 · 01/10/2023 22:35

He's expecting you to roll up into bed looking all done up and fancy but any bets he's arriving wearing undies with a hole in. Can 100% guarantee it.

Loubelle70 · 01/10/2023 22:36

Crikeyalmighty · 01/10/2023 22:12

@EarthSight unfortunately I think the same- I suspect OP that really it's marriage and monogamy he's bored of. Some men simply aren't cut out for it long term- they like relationships to be novel and exciting and the sex to resemble porn- once it doesn't then they simply lose interest . This has nothing to do with you by the way and everything to do with a man who wants the moon on a stick and a woman desparate enough for a bloke that she will jump through hoops- I'm going to predict that he's not that great a catch either-

This

justanothermummma · 01/10/2023 22:43

My first thought was 'what an areshole'

I'd feel totally deflated and crap if my OH said this to me.

Kids and housework/cleaning/cooking/school/work is EXHAUSTING.

I think having sex 3/4 times a week is great considering the busy life you'll have!

In wearing no make-up you're caring for your skin and who gives a shit if you're wearing comfortable underwear when it comes off for sex anyway?!

I'm so sorry OP. You are 100% not overreacting.

Is he expecting Victoria's Secret Lingerie, lap dance and a BJ 3/4 nights a week?

I have friends with kids who say once a week is enough, he has no idea how lucky he is.

As much as communication in a relationship is vital, there's a difference between expressing feelings and being an ungrateful twat.

Does he at any point whisk you away to a sexy hotel with a stunning dinner giving you an excuse to wear a gorgeous dress and spoil him after? Or does he just expect his full-time, main caregiver/housekeeper/cook to give it all with no fuss?

He clearly has no idea how hard it is to simply be a mum, work and run a house.

I'm cross for you! Lots of love OP.

Coyoacan · 01/10/2023 22:53

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/10/2023 20:17

He thinks of you as an object. In the daytime, it's a domestic appliance. At night, it's a sex doll. But an object all the time.

I'd be done. But if you want to save it, try a skilled counsellor.

Unfortunately true

CandidClarisse · 01/10/2023 22:53

Wow 3-4 times a week whilst working full time with a young child... he's lucky! He's expecting you to act like a porn star all sexy and dressed up and fake. Tell him to do one! He's spoilt enough as it is!

theresastormcoming · 01/10/2023 22:54

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Coyoacan · 01/10/2023 22:55

This reply has been deleted

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Hahaha

Joeylove88 · 01/10/2023 22:58

I'm definitely on board with the telling him to fuck right off in reference to the underwear and make up. And maybe he needs to know that you are also finding it boring to have sex with such a lazy fucker who doesn't do his share of the housework and childcare. Cheeky bastard.

Ladyj84 · 01/10/2023 23:01

Wow I'm glad my hubby ain't demanding, 3 small kids I can't think of the last time lol love our cuddles tho

theduchessofspork · 01/10/2023 23:02

Well he can start by making himself more attractive by doing 50% of the childcare and housework

And then you can talk about any changes you’d both be up for. But 3/4 times a week is loads, sex when you have young young kids is better scheduled because that way it actually happens, and no one wants to dress up every night.

He’s being unrealistic about sex at this stage in your lives - and also what is he doing to make himself attractive to you???? Anyway maybe you can switch things up at the weekends.. but ONLY once he pulls his finger out domestically.

Lostcotter · 01/10/2023 23:11

@Verymodestmouse However… This does not mean that the division of labour is right in your family but they’re different arguments. You want him to help more? Great! You need to negotiate that in your relationship and not just harbour resentment. Maybe him doing the washing up or putting the kids to bed would make you feel more sexy as you wouldn’t be so tired. That’s totally valid and you’re allowed to ask for it.

You use the word help and this is set significant. oP shouldn’t be “negotiating help” they both work full time. He needs to sit himself down and think really hard as to how he can be an equal contributor in the house and start being one immediately. not just doing a few additional tasks that she “negotiates”.

Even when I lived in a houseshare me and the other person I lived with were instinctively able to know how to contribute equally to the upkeep of a clean house. It didn’t take any grand negotiation, just two adults living together respecting their shared space and keeping things clean and tidy.

@UnicornDust20 i fear you’ve made a rod for your own back. Why did you agree to do all the domestic chores when you work full time too? Why did you let that happen?

He’s been doing the bare minimum and taking you for granted so he will keep on thinking he is entitled to more and more from you while giving you very little unless you insist things have got to change now.

Screamingabdabz · 01/10/2023 23:14

How did I guess that he’d be the sort of prick that does absolutely nothing around the house? And yet wants his live-in housekeeper and nanny to constantly be up for sex and also be creative about it? 🙄

I’m sorry op but you’ve had a child with this absolute tool. You service his needs 3-4 times a week and do everything domestically. Of course he’s going to want more and more. You’ve enabled the disgusting selfish arsehole for 5 years.

I’d say LTB but you won’t so start getting your sex costumes ready and don’t be surprised when your child grows up modelling poor relationship choices too.

Tarquina · 01/10/2023 23:20

Tell him the reason he's bored is that you are doing it too often, and from now it's going to be twice a month.

strategy · 01/10/2023 23:35

3-4 times a week! My DH wishes 🤣.

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 01/10/2023 23:44

What an infant he is! A selfish one at that!
You have sex with him 3 to 4 times a week and he’s trying to make you feel like you’re falling. 😡
I told my darling husband once that I thought he was terrifically uninterested in our sex life because he wouldn’t dress up as a fireman (in response to his complaints about my not wearing stockings etc)
Sex should be something shared that brings you both joy. It’s not all about him.

Islandsadness · 02/10/2023 00:12

Please can I have an outside opinion? Am I being a wet blanket!?

My opinion is that it's really objectively weird that you both work full time but you have to do all childcare and housework.