Broken, need a hand hold

[Keepthefaith23]

Long time user on a new account for privacy reasons. I’m writing this here for a hand hold because I have no one else to turn to. Please don’t say friends or family, I have no one.

I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant and really scared. Just been through the worst month of our lives with DH. We moved abroad for work, it didn’t work out, we came back (expensive). We came back to a storm. We sold our property and couldn’t purchase another (nothing to buy that fit the bill) and renting was a nightmare. We eventually got a short term place to rent, although owner has it up for sale and now taking viewings! It’s a top floor Victorian flat which is killing me being so heavily pregnant, but we were option-less at the time. Terribly inconsiderate and loud neighbours (constant DIY at 9am on a Sunday outwith permitted hours here and with hammer drills, etc).

The stress has been unreal. I haven’t stopped. I’ve been lifting (I know I shouldn’t, but I had to get on) and have badly damaged by back and hips, think it’s sciatica. Midwife not interested in helping, says it’s “normal”.

DH and I’s marriage has really suffered.

I gave up work to move abroad (his salary covered us); and took care of daily life and amazingly, fell pregnant (we didn’t think it would happen, tried for a good while). Since coming back, DH jacked the job in as he felt he couldn’t continue / they’d treated him horribly (I agree). So whilst we have a good run of savings, we’ve no renewable income, an unsteady housing situation and a baby imminent…

I’ve been applying for jobs myself and had a couple of interviews, sadly unsuccessful. I want to do something to get us back into the game of work - even with me being this pregnant, I know. Far from ideal.

He was getting back into the swing of things, applying for jobs, interviewing and then around 2 weeks ago, DH developed tinnitus. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s hellish for him. His ears never give him a break. He can barely function, never mind sleep, due to the ringing (the loud neighbours don’t help, but afraid of saying anything because of our tenuous housing situation).

This has obviously affected his mood. I’ve done everything I can to try and help. The GP has been next to useless, so I’ve had to dip into savings to get a private ENT appointment with a specialist which is upcoming. The situation seems hopeless (thanks, Google). I’m terrified as DH has started saying he can’t live like this (I believe him) and how he can’t go in with this mental torture (he’s also ASD, so this I believe amplifies an already hellish situation).

He’s started saying things to me like “you’ll need a house”, which scares me to tears. He’s started speaking like he’s not going to be here. Saying things like I’ll give you all the passwords to my things, I’ll get a job and get you death in service etc. Man, I’m in floods of tears just writing this.

To mask the noise we’ve had to sleep in different rooms and every night as he keeps light music on to distract himself - it feels like I’ve lost him when he leaves for bed. I cry myself to sleep. I really miss him, I miss us, and I feel hopeless. I’m having terrible dreams and night terrors, waking up pouring in sweat and he’s (understandably) grumpy in the mornings, when I just want to run through and see him, make sure he’s ok, trying to help to get him what I can. It’s just impossible. He just wants to be alone. Keeps snapping at me. I’m not criticising him, I’m really not. I just feel I need to be seen a bit here too.

I love this man and miss him so much just in this short period of time. We have no idea what caused this, probably stress on balance of the factors. It doesn’t feel like it’s abating or going to right itself now and I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and have no idea what that’s even going to look like - or if he can even be there with how sensitive and sore his ears are. But I also recognise this isn’t about me.

I’m just horribly scared about this situation. I don’t even like nipping out to the shop, I’m so on edge he’s going to end his life. I cry all the time and I’m a bag of nerves. I know this is awful for the baby and believe me when I say I’m trying to hold it all together, I really am. I just can’t cope right now seeing the man I love falling apart and there being nothing I can do.

I really needed to express that and write it down as I truly don’t have any outlets.

Can you say what the worst thing about all this is?
Can you afford to move?

I wouldn't waste money on a private ENT appt. They can't do anything for tinnitus.

You could get noise cancelling head phones for yourself.

I'm really sorry you're so distressed at the moment. It all sounds awful.

The feeling of hopelessness. Watching your loved one suffer, not being able to help. Being alone.

Yes, we can afford to move, but we can’t find anywhere! Believe me we’ve tried, when I say the rental market is impossible, I’m not exaggerating. We are so grateful to have this place. With neither of us having jobs now it’s more challenging (despite v good bank balances).

We can’t be 100% sure it’s just tinnitus, that was just the first symptom. DH now said he has a popping ear and a big dizzy. I do understand what you’re saying about ENT, but in our shoes surely you’d want to seek out a specialist?

As for noise cancelling headphones - there’s a huge online community that states they may be the cause of some tinnitus (wish I was joking). So I’m avoiding wearing mine, and not a long term solution.

I’m really not meaning to shoot your suggestions down, so please don’t think I am. I’ve gone through so many different options and scenarios in my head, and I’m constantly trying to figure my way out of this, it’s just very bleak. I’m worried my capability is going to get diminished the more pregnant I become. And then what?

Didn't want to read and run but I don't think I can offer any useful advice. Just a big handhold from me

Is there any reason why you've come back to this place if there are no ties here? Could you move somewhere more cheaper? Are there any other locations that have the type of work your dh does/you do?

Have you tried listening to white noise. Or even just soothing music to have something to focus on?

Sorry. I'll keep thinking. Those were my immediate thoughts. Hope someone more useful comes along

Have you considered moving to a more remote area where there would be less difficulty with housing?

What about long term holiday let/ air bnb? They're usually grateful for the customer after the summer holidays so will negotiate prices for longer stay

Thanks for the replies. With regards to Airbnb - a lot are being pulled in our country due to new laws (which I agree with). The rent supply is being adversely affected (a) because of Airbnb in the first place; and (b) landlords selling en masse.

Additional restrictions now in place for renters, such as proving income, and having a reference from employer. I can do neither. I can however provide a healthy bank balance - but it doesn’t suffice. Believe me, I’ve tried.

I’ve also looked all over the country for accommodation - including remote. Although given this county is quite rural, I must be careful with access to hospitals for appointments / giving birth etc. I’ve tried everything within my gift. Rural or urban- things are just a lot more expensive.

Why we came home was visa / stability related. I realise the last point seems ironic! We didn’t have long term stability in new country, and came back here to get that and at least a base for our child, me to give birth in a country I am comfortable in; and for the baby to start nursery / school n are area where I can advocate for him.

The decision to come back was sound, it just got very difficult very quickly with new laws for short term rentals (Airbnb) and the demand far outstripping supply (ergo making it expensive). We do have the potential option of buying somewhere, perhaps cash if we find the right place at the right price, or if one of us secures employment.

To be honest, I feel these matters pale into insignificance when I see DH and his struggles / threats of ending it. My primary focus is for him, his health and rehabilitation. The rest is just a “it’s life”, just unfortunate all these things are compounding together at once, especially when I’m so heavily pregnant.

This sounds so difficult, OP. Air BnB could help re living conditions. I mainly wanted to say - don’t worry about your baby. Your baby will not be harmed by you having strong emotions or being stressed! Your baby also won’t be harmed by you lifting. But it all sounds very hard on you emotionally and physically. You say you have no-one to talk to in real life. Do DH or you not have any family members or close friends you can call on for support? As you say, it’s been a perfect storm but things will calm down and they will get better but some support in real life would be helpful.

Have you talked to the GP about your DH’s suggestions that he may be feeling suicidal? If nothing else, perhaps he or you could speak to The Samaritans for some immediate listening support.

Sorry - just seen your update re Air BnB so ignore that.

I can see that your main problem is your husband's state of health and his state of mind.
Is your doctor aware of your DH's serious mental health condition?
I think some medication and therapy would help. Would your husband take anti-depressants?

Also, the mental health crisis team could help.

I don’t have anyone I can talk to unfortunately. I don’t want to mention it to the GP as I’ve not found them to be overly helpful in the past, nor do they have the time.. but primarily for the ramifications for our family if I did.

IF and it’s a big if, DH gets better this would I’m sure resolve. I wouldn’t want my actions implicating us going forward - mental health act / social service involvement with our child / flagged etc. Hope that doesn’t sound too dramatic, I’m just carefully trying to balance a very, very fragile situation.

AirBnB is no help. Renting via that platform is extremely expensive night to night, gives no stability either. Renting longer term (short term let) is far preferable, cheaper and at least gives some rights to the tenant / allows us to bring our own stuff in (read: baby stuff).

Have you got all you need for the baby, OP?
Can you join the NCT and seek out other mums so that you'd have them to talk to?
Even just going for coffee would get you out of the house and give you a different circle of friends.

Why would talking to professionals lead to SS involvement? There’s no risk of harm to your baby. More risk of harm if you don’t involve professionals, OP. Please don’t try to carry this alone. It’s too much.

With regards to AD’s… they’re listed as a further trigger of Tinnitus, so I don’t think that’s a feasible or workable option. I don’t think it’s unreasonable that DH feel down about this debilitating situation, coupled with the magnitude of all the other things going on.

I don’t want to label it depression right now as it’s early days and I hope, situational.

I feel the mental health crisis team will not aid us here and may set us back.. what if the tinnitus resolves? An overreaction on my part by involving them right now (although I appreciate why you’ve said that) is a lifelong marker on his medical record (employment); and our family for the baby etc.

I appreciate it’s easy to say these things and everyone is trying to be helpful which I’m so grateful for, however if you were in my fragile situation and it directly impacted you it’s a case of thinking twice and carefully balancing things.

Seeking help for poor mental health doesn't mean an automatic referral to social services!
Where did you get that idea?

I’ve worked within that setting. I understand the implications for both DH going forward and our family.

With the risk, ask yourself: would I do it?

You seem to think that having a mental health diagnosis is something shameful.

Look up Menieres Disease, the dizzyness accompanying the tinnitus made me think of this. It's not that common but my partner has it, it was diagnosed after years of tinnitus. You can take meds to prevent the dizziness and lessen the tinnitus if that's the case. Hope this helps in any small way as it sounds like you have so much to deal with x

Risk? Of what?
And why would it matter if poor mental health was on your husband's medical records?

Thank you, I have been considering it could be this as it’s in my family - Menieries that is. The GP was so dismissive to DH on the phone (wouldn’t even see him). All she said was “age related”… he’s early 40s ffs. Didn’t explore any alternative options or explanations.

Hence I felt we needed further help and booked an ENT. He has previously had sinus issues and I’m praying it may be related and resolvable (sounds strange to pray it’s a bigger issue, but at least it would be an explanation, and hopefully treatable)…

I don’t want to label it depression right now as it’s early days and I hope, situational

Depression is a diagnosis, not a label!

@TheShellBeach please stop pushing a matter someone clearly in distress has said no to. It’s not constructive or helpful.

Mental health on medical records has big implications whether you want to believe it or not. Particularly for employment and immigration. I’ve plenty experience of the equality act in this regard and understand whilst it’s protected, it’s still very much stigmatised and an issue (hence the law was made in the first place).

So please, put that one to bed.

@TheShellBeach please stop attacking me. I used a word which may have not been my best judgement. I’m clearly very upset and in distress, I don’t need you coming after me multiple times for every perceived wrong.

Don’t kick someone when they’re down.

Bloody GPs what a load of nonsense. It runs in my partners family too but luckily his GP took it seriously. Definitely ask at your ENT appointment and if possible get a new GP

Op is the tinnitus in one or both ears. The tinnitus is undoubtedly being exacerbated by the stressful situation you find yourselves in, if he could find work and everything starts to work itself out that way the tinnitus will hopefully reduce. Do you know if tinnitus therapy or tinnitus counselling is offered anywhere near you? A session with a hearing therapist or specialist audiologist could really help him. They may be able to offer him tinnitus maskers to help in the short to mid term. White noise and maskers are ot designed to drown out the tinnitus but to shift his focus from it.