Broken, need a hand hold

[Keepthefaith23]

Long time user on a new account for privacy reasons. I’m writing this here for a hand hold because I have no one else to turn to. Please don’t say friends or family, I have no one.

I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant and really scared. Just been through the worst month of our lives with DH. We moved abroad for work, it didn’t work out, we came back (expensive). We came back to a storm. We sold our property and couldn’t purchase another (nothing to buy that fit the bill) and renting was a nightmare. We eventually got a short term place to rent, although owner has it up for sale and now taking viewings! It’s a top floor Victorian flat which is killing me being so heavily pregnant, but we were option-less at the time. Terribly inconsiderate and loud neighbours (constant DIY at 9am on a Sunday outwith permitted hours here and with hammer drills, etc).

The stress has been unreal. I haven’t stopped. I’ve been lifting (I know I shouldn’t, but I had to get on) and have badly damaged by back and hips, think it’s sciatica. Midwife not interested in helping, says it’s “normal”.

DH and I’s marriage has really suffered.

I gave up work to move abroad (his salary covered us); and took care of daily life and amazingly, fell pregnant (we didn’t think it would happen, tried for a good while). Since coming back, DH jacked the job in as he felt he couldn’t continue / they’d treated him horribly (I agree). So whilst we have a good run of savings, we’ve no renewable income, an unsteady housing situation and a baby imminent…

I’ve been applying for jobs myself and had a couple of interviews, sadly unsuccessful. I want to do something to get us back into the game of work - even with me being this pregnant, I know. Far from ideal.

He was getting back into the swing of things, applying for jobs, interviewing and then around 2 weeks ago, DH developed tinnitus. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s hellish for him. His ears never give him a break. He can barely function, never mind sleep, due to the ringing (the loud neighbours don’t help, but afraid of saying anything because of our tenuous housing situation).

This has obviously affected his mood. I’ve done everything I can to try and help. The GP has been next to useless, so I’ve had to dip into savings to get a private ENT appointment with a specialist which is upcoming. The situation seems hopeless (thanks, Google). I’m terrified as DH has started saying he can’t live like this (I believe him) and how he can’t go in with this mental torture (he’s also ASD, so this I believe amplifies an already hellish situation).

He’s started saying things to me like “you’ll need a house”, which scares me to tears. He’s started speaking like he’s not going to be here. Saying things like I’ll give you all the passwords to my things, I’ll get a job and get you death in service etc. Man, I’m in floods of tears just writing this.

To mask the noise we’ve had to sleep in different rooms and every night as he keeps light music on to distract himself - it feels like I’ve lost him when he leaves for bed. I cry myself to sleep. I really miss him, I miss us, and I feel hopeless. I’m having terrible dreams and night terrors, waking up pouring in sweat and he’s (understandably) grumpy in the mornings, when I just want to run through and see him, make sure he’s ok, trying to help to get him what I can. It’s just impossible. He just wants to be alone. Keeps snapping at me. I’m not criticising him, I’m really not. I just feel I need to be seen a bit here too.

I love this man and miss him so much just in this short period of time. We have no idea what caused this, probably stress on balance of the factors. It doesn’t feel like it’s abating or going to right itself now and I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and have no idea what that’s even going to look like - or if he can even be there with how sensitive and sore his ears are. But I also recognise this isn’t about me.

I’m just horribly scared about this situation. I don’t even like nipping out to the shop, I’m so on edge he’s going to end his life. I cry all the time and I’m a bag of nerves. I know this is awful for the baby and believe me when I say I’m trying to hold it all together, I really am. I just can’t cope right now seeing the man I love falling apart and there being nothing I can do.

I really needed to express that and write it down as I truly don’t have any outlets.

Outwith.... you're Scots or in Scotland? Unusual word which is why I ask. However Scotland isn't in that dire a housing situation or at least I didn't think it was unless you want something incredibly specific.

Your husband's tinnitus is probably a stress thing ( apologies if this has already been covered) My FIL had it, the GP wasn't of much use beyond anti depressants. He did use meditation and soothing music but I'm assuming this is something you're husband can't do?

@junbean wow, thank you so much for your post. It radiates hope and positivity - everything I’m trying desperately to cling onto right now!!!!!

I’ve made a note of these medications and I’m going to look into them urgently.

I’m so sorry you were so troubled with tinnitus post covid, that sounds truly awful. Do you feel fully recovered from it?

Also to add, the medications I mentioned and probably others that would do the same are really common and can probably be prescribed by any GP.

I don't think it would be outing to say what country you're in, OP! But it would mean you could get more targeted advice from MNers who know the place/live there.

I appreciate you are super stressed right now but it does seem like you are holding on to the idea that there is nothing you can do about any of your problems and that you're completely powerless. You're not. Change the story you're telling yourself. These are tough times but you need to dredge up the energy and positivity to change things.

One thing you have on your side is time, as in, you're not working so you have time to research solutions, to look for a place, to experiment a bit with ideas. It also means you have time to rest, to go for some nice walks, to do positive things that will uplift you a bit.

Another thing you have on your side is a financial buffer. Okay, this isn't going to last forever, but while you've got some funds, you know you can take steps to change your situation. This is really, really positive.

Your problems are tough, but they are not impossible to overcome. It sounds like you need to move asap to somewhere quieter. Go back to GP surgery and ask for a second opinion, or change your GP. Take pp's advice on the tinnitus and try some of the things suggested. Seek out MH support for yourself and your husband. This is all fixable or at least capable of being improved.

I have sent you a private message.

I would say it's still there, but barely noticeable. If I drink too much coffee, don't get enough sleep, or forget my med, it will come roaring back. But only at a level 3 instead of 10. When that happens I actually feel very grateful because it reminds me how much better it usually is. It is SO worth it to keep pursuing treatment. There's ear drops- some chemical, some herbal that can help too. I really hope he finds something soon.

Thanks, we have looked extensively over all of that info. Similar to what doctor sent us. We require more active treatments, due to severity.

Glad you’ve managed to get to a position that’s liveable - think that’s what the first goal is here.

I’ve just tried to talk to DH and had my head taken off again about how many times I ask “how he is”. Apparently I’m really not helpful in asking this and I’ve asked for two weeks and nothing has changed.

It’s like I’m communicating with a different person. I understand how hard it must be (or lord knows I’m trying to); but I’m really suffering too. Sitting here in tears again feeling hopeless, willing something to actually go right.

Sorry, just to add one thing- I read another one of your comments about the popping and dizziness I think you said- I also had this. It was like getting punched in the head, directly on my ear. Or getting struck by a bolt of lightening in the ear. It was really really bad right after I had covid then got gradually better, with only some episodes of popping, mostly after a loud or sharp noise. I had covid again recently and there was a couple of days I couldn't hear at all, and then the popping and tinnitus came back bad. I was so scared! But it went away thankfully.

There's lots of things that can cause it. He could have gotten sick asymptomatically. You can still sustain nerve damage without showing symptoms of illness, isn't that crazy! Simple stress can do it too. The cause doesn't affect the treatment though, so it doesn't matter.

I hope DH takes heart knowing it can get better.

Could your dh consider therapy as a start if you’re concerned around mental health practitioners in your country. Even an online therapist such as zoom appointments. I think if he could be on track some of your worries would reduce. He could then consider work options this clearly isn’t possible currently. Only you know your best options housing wise and maybe patience is the best option right now. Or would a move back to the uk be a better option in the future?

Mindfulness techniques help a lot, for you and DH! Especially with a newborn coming - these can be found on youtube as well.

So sorry you are going through this

Depending on the type of tinnitus, antihistamine can reduce the noise for some people. Might be worth a try as fast and cheap

I honestly think just mentioning the country you are in will not out you, and you could hopefully get much more specific help and advice

Would your DH speak to someone over the phone just to vent? Samaritans or similar if he is feeling this low

Thank you @junbean , I really appreciate it. I’ve given him anti histamines last few nights to no avail, unfortunately. I read it may be useful.

He won’t speak to anyone (including me). He’s got ASD and finds communication very hard, sometimes even with me. He comes round with me eventually, but it’s like he’s gone into a shell and is a ball of anger and frustration.

I’m so, so sad for him. I’m also very frustrated as I’m heavily pregnant, in a lot of pain myself. I’ve what I think is sciatica yet can’t stop; and I’m on antibiotics for an infection. Let’s not mention the cankles and swelling pressure. I just want to be able to relax but find myself in a constant cycle of hyper tension.

I don’t even know what I expected from this post, and I’m probably rambling on now. I’m just finding this extremely hard and challenging and each day seems worse than the one before. I’m so desperate for a glimmer of hope!

This!

I may be in a minority but I experienced tinnitus for 3 months during a very stressful period. The radio was on constantly, I slept with white noise playing and feared I would never have silence again. I had an audiology test which showed nothing. The tinnitus did go away . I hope your husband's condition improves.

I’ve just tried to talk to DH and had my head taken off again about how many times I ask “how he is”. Apparently I’m really not helpful in asking this and I’ve asked for two weeks and nothing has changed.

It must be very hard for him but it's not sustainable for him to continue to be aggressive and isolate you emotionally in this way. Maybe you need to let him know clearly that you are suffering, you're heavily pregnant and you also need some support. Him threatening to end his life, shouting at you, ignoring you to watch his shows etc is just not really okay. Obviously he is unwell and that is hard but you need support too. Tell him that he has to start engaging with you in trying to find solutions.

Hi OP, I haven’t read all the thread but I do want to offer some tinnitus HOPE. 💜

Tinnitus literally burst into my head during a period of extreme stress 30 years ago. It was overwhelming and I can remember how suicidal I felt. I have had it bilaterally ever since. GP was at a loss. There is no cure. Low dose, short course of Beta blockers did calm my anxiety a bit.

My most important message is that it will settle. It will take time but the brain learns to tune it out. It really does.

I had to continue working full time in a peripatetic role all over the UK. I had to face professionals every day and deliver training courses. It was hellish but I got through it with as much courage and “mind over matter” as I could muster.

Unless the ENT chap finds otherwise, your DH is likely to have tinnitus forever but it will calm down especially if he tries to carry on with usual routines and distractions. It’s hard but doable. Take courage in both hands and carry on. This too shall pass.

@TheShellBeach you must be a horrible person to keep coming after me personally like this. I’ve asked you on more than one occasion to give it a rest. You’re intent on distressing someone who is at their wits end and heavily pregnant with plenty of their own issues.

Shame on you.

Reported.

If the alternative was losing him to suicude then 💯 yes.

OP you can buy amitriptyline online.
www.ukmeds.co.uk

I am very sorry, OP.
I wasn't trying to upset you.
Apologies.

And the problem is that you can't do everything for him, he really has to also try to help himself. I know it's hard; I have adult children with various chronic health issues, but they do eventually have to take control , albeit with some help.
He needs to go back to the GP, and be honest about the mental health issues that he now has as a result of having tinnitus. Contact the Crisis team if it gets too much, or MIND, or the Samaritans.
You could also confide in your own HCP who is looking after you, because his health issues are impacting on you.
I know it's hard, but sort one issue out and others will also be sorted.

I had tinnitus after Covid and it was indeed awful, coupled with the brain fog and exhaustion. I bought a book on how to live with it and tried some of the techniques, used certain types of noise to block it, slept on one side. In my case I think it was 50% Covid that triggered it but also extreme stress, it was part of a wider set of nervous exhaustion. Over time, taking low-dose antidepressants and taking time off to recoup, my tinnitus just stopped being so loud and I stopped noticing it. If I go very quiet now, I can actually hear something quite high pitched in my ear, but I've learned to tune it out and take no notice of it and the vast majority of the time it doesn't bother me.

I'm sorry this is such a stressful time for you, I'm worried you are carrying the whole stress of the family on yourself, and your husband isn't able to support you right now, so I would get support where you can- midwife, HV, you said you have no friends/family.

Also, I have been honest about my MH difficulties, and no-one has ever suggested I'm not a good parent. There are millions of parents on anti-depressants or who have had a breakdown or even more severe cases such as hospitalization and they do not have their children taken off them for that, there is no capacity in the system to care or to remove them for something that is part of a lot of people's lives and nor should there be unless there's a risk of neglect or harm to the child. I think once life has gone a bit wrong you might have to accept that getting support for your husband (be it Samaritains, a new dad's group, friends online with autism, GP/MH team) is more important than anything, there's no point avoiding this on your medical record if something were to happen- and he does sound quite desperate, from what he's saying, so don't avoid support seeking for that reason.

My partner got tinnitus after a viral infection (possibly covid) and then it caused/exacerbated/got worse due to a period of immense stress. He had a breakdown and it was honestly like he was losing his mind. It was awful feeling so unable to help him and it must be even worse for you in your situation.

Things that helped were cutting out caffeine totally, getting an under-pillow speaker to play sounds at night (he uses the Headspace app for this which is really good as they have 8 hour long playlists) and wearing ear defender earbuds in any situations where loud noises are expected, even going shopping somewhere busy or going to a pub, or using the lawnmower. He also had some counselling at the time because he truly could not cope.

It has settled and although he still has it, it isn't as completely debilitating anymore. I will say he has a very short temper now as he is sort of "on edge" all the time because of the noise but he is aware of it and manages it.

OP I just want to say that I am so sorry you’re going through this. My heart goes out to you.