Broken, need a hand hold

[Keepthefaith23]

Long time user on a new account for privacy reasons. I’m writing this here for a hand hold because I have no one else to turn to. Please don’t say friends or family, I have no one.

I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant and really scared. Just been through the worst month of our lives with DH. We moved abroad for work, it didn’t work out, we came back (expensive). We came back to a storm. We sold our property and couldn’t purchase another (nothing to buy that fit the bill) and renting was a nightmare. We eventually got a short term place to rent, although owner has it up for sale and now taking viewings! It’s a top floor Victorian flat which is killing me being so heavily pregnant, but we were option-less at the time. Terribly inconsiderate and loud neighbours (constant DIY at 9am on a Sunday outwith permitted hours here and with hammer drills, etc).

The stress has been unreal. I haven’t stopped. I’ve been lifting (I know I shouldn’t, but I had to get on) and have badly damaged by back and hips, think it’s sciatica. Midwife not interested in helping, says it’s “normal”.

DH and I’s marriage has really suffered.

I gave up work to move abroad (his salary covered us); and took care of daily life and amazingly, fell pregnant (we didn’t think it would happen, tried for a good while). Since coming back, DH jacked the job in as he felt he couldn’t continue / they’d treated him horribly (I agree). So whilst we have a good run of savings, we’ve no renewable income, an unsteady housing situation and a baby imminent…

I’ve been applying for jobs myself and had a couple of interviews, sadly unsuccessful. I want to do something to get us back into the game of work - even with me being this pregnant, I know. Far from ideal.

He was getting back into the swing of things, applying for jobs, interviewing and then around 2 weeks ago, DH developed tinnitus. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s hellish for him. His ears never give him a break. He can barely function, never mind sleep, due to the ringing (the loud neighbours don’t help, but afraid of saying anything because of our tenuous housing situation).

This has obviously affected his mood. I’ve done everything I can to try and help. The GP has been next to useless, so I’ve had to dip into savings to get a private ENT appointment with a specialist which is upcoming. The situation seems hopeless (thanks, Google). I’m terrified as DH has started saying he can’t live like this (I believe him) and how he can’t go in with this mental torture (he’s also ASD, so this I believe amplifies an already hellish situation).

He’s started saying things to me like “you’ll need a house”, which scares me to tears. He’s started speaking like he’s not going to be here. Saying things like I’ll give you all the passwords to my things, I’ll get a job and get you death in service etc. Man, I’m in floods of tears just writing this.

To mask the noise we’ve had to sleep in different rooms and every night as he keeps light music on to distract himself - it feels like I’ve lost him when he leaves for bed. I cry myself to sleep. I really miss him, I miss us, and I feel hopeless. I’m having terrible dreams and night terrors, waking up pouring in sweat and he’s (understandably) grumpy in the mornings, when I just want to run through and see him, make sure he’s ok, trying to help to get him what I can. It’s just impossible. He just wants to be alone. Keeps snapping at me. I’m not criticising him, I’m really not. I just feel I need to be seen a bit here too.

I love this man and miss him so much just in this short period of time. We have no idea what caused this, probably stress on balance of the factors. It doesn’t feel like it’s abating or going to right itself now and I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and have no idea what that’s even going to look like - or if he can even be there with how sensitive and sore his ears are. But I also recognise this isn’t about me.

I’m just horribly scared about this situation. I don’t even like nipping out to the shop, I’m so on edge he’s going to end his life. I cry all the time and I’m a bag of nerves. I know this is awful for the baby and believe me when I say I’m trying to hold it all together, I really am. I just can’t cope right now seeing the man I love falling apart and there being nothing I can do.

I really needed to express that and write it down as I truly don’t have any outlets.

You might find contacting Tinnitus UK useful.. online or call them on Monday..

If you can afford private, go to a specialist tinnitus clinic; GPs and even ENTs often know nothing about it other than as a hearing damage issue whereas it sounds like an anxiety related issue which is what I had, and nearly ruined my final year at uni until I went here and they solved it.

https://tinnitus.org/

If the tinnitus is causing him that much distress, and I understand it, this is the best place to address that problem if you can get there.

Hear me out. I have suffered from tinnitus. My GP couldn’t offer any solutions. However, I later had blood tests as I was also suffering from fatigue and it showed I was B12 and folate deficient. Since I have been treated with B12 injections and 5mg of folic acid daily, it has improved massively. I only get a faint noise every now and then and it goes quickly. B12 deficiency affects all the nervous system, and it can lead to all sorts of issues, plus can be fatal. I’m not saying this is the cause of your DH’s tinnitus, but it’s worth giving it a go and get some blood tests done. Bear in mind that the minimum level in the U.K. is much less than other countries, so worth looking into it further if it’s near the lower limit but within range. Same for folate. I was having injections every other day (self administered) as the one dose every three months from the NHS is useless, specially with neurological symptoms. It took a few months, and your DH sounds worse than I was, but it’s worth checking.

Get your husband on a very low salt & low sugar diet - particularly cut out chocolate (all forms white, milk and dark). Cut out alcohol. It can take a couple of weeks to reduce the tinnitus to levels almost unnoticeable. Use headphones with brown/white noise in the meantime. YouTube has some good tinnitus masking samples at various frequencies.

You mentioned sinus issues - this would indicate the he is reacting to something he is eating which could likely be a cause for the tinnitus, as the inner ear can become blocked, stimulating the tiny hairs which then causes tinnitus. Look up histamine intolerance. By careful diet changes, these issues can be resolved - again within a couple of weeks. Also, have him try antihistamines.
I had it to levels that meant suicide was almost a serious consideration at times but I have sorted it through diet. I know what it is like to be tortured by it. I could not have believed it would ever stop. Doctors just wanted to give me masking aids and said there was nothing that could be done, but it can. I am living proof!
My sympathies for both you and your husband. I hope that any of this helps.

Unfortunately with tinnitus part of the picture is deciding you won't tune into it. I have tinnitus but I ignore it most of the time. I read your piece and it triggered me to listen out for it - yes still there - I just choose not to listen to it. Its not so much distract with noise but distract your mind to stop thinking about it.

Meniere's is definitely something to look into. Until his appointment, things to try (if it is Meniere's) are good hydration, no alcohol and low sodium diet. It is an awful disease, but it does ease up and the tinnitus does decrease.

Ask him outright: are you having suicidal thoughts?

Latest advice says you can give ideas doing this but you can help save a life.

I'm so so sorry.

Also tell your midwife about your DH's mental health. You both need support right now.

Do you have any other family?

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, especially while pregnant. I do think the best thing you could do is involve the mental health team, I appreciate your concerns regarding this, but if you’re truly worried he is going to end his life, surely any future potential involvement is better than raising your baby without their dad?

For me that’s a no brainer, he needs support which you are unable to provide at the moment. You have to deal with what you can now, and worry about the rest later.

With regards to the renting situation (and this is just in my area, I don’t know if it is different elsewhere), but the rental market is basically impossible if you don’t have any income coming into the house, even if you prove you have the money in savings to pay the rent! It’s the first “ticky box”, and if unemployed you don’t tend to get to the next step to explain you have the money to pay. I appreciate it’s not ideal at 7.5 months pregnant, but being able to get any “income” might get you past that first ticky box, to then able to have the conversation.

I have tinnitus. It's alllll the time, and sometimes I can't tell if it's a real sound or not, but white noise or wave sounds or something like that helps a lot. If you have an Alexa there's options on there to try. It helps you (or your husband rather) tune out the tinnitus.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you, can I ask how they cured it specifically?

I’m so sorry you’re going through that. I can’t personally imagine what it’s like, but watching DH suffer and hearing examples through YouTube has been really illuminating for me. I really hope you get some respite too.

Thank you for actually acknowledging the realist situation of not having income / renting. I’ve felt like I’ve had a hard time over this and there’s an assumption we can automatically shift to a place that’s miles cheaper (if we could, do the PP’s not think we would have, lol). Regrettably, not that straightforward.

We have a place for now which has been a godsend. We just need to try and muddle through a longer term solution and get DH back to health / coping mechanisms. Everything feels overwhelming right now, but I managed to get him out of the house today, albeit just to the car for fear of noise.

I don’t have any family I can call upon, no.

I’m sorry you went through this too. Appreciate the heads up via diet etc.

He has not had his usual crappy caffeine energy drinks (reported some improvement at night); generally follows a low sodium diet (I try and cook fresh and healthy, so I have control over this at least), and he’s scrapping chocolate which he does love.

He’s been taking an anti histamine a day. No great improvement yet, but early days.

I had words about the snapping and I can tell he’s making an effort, so today at least feels like a glimmer more of hope.

Thank you so much for the heads up re B12 and folate. I had actually got him some multivitamins with B12 amongst others a few days ago. Again, early days. The folate is interesting, will certainly look into that. He’s also trying magnesium.

Really glad you managed to get yours under control, I can’t begin to imagine the relief.

OP I had really bad tinnitus some years ago, there was no apparent reason for it and it was dreadful. After about 3 months I was in agony with toothache, it transpired I had an abscess in my gum/tooth, once it was drained and treated the tinnitus went, the dentist said that things like infections of glands if they are low level for a while can affect the ears.......just a thought?

Hi, please don’t start the oral B12 until he has some blood tests done as they can skew the results. IF his tinnitus is the result of B12 deficiency (it may not be), oral vitamins do absolutely nothing because the dosage is too small and it may be due to pernicious anemia, ie. his body can’t process it. Blood tests first, including B12, folate and vitamin D.

Thanks for the heads up. He’s terribly afraid of needles, but I’m wondering if his hellish symptoms will allow him to put this to one side.

Yesterday was a far better day for him but sadly last night things got terrible. He’s not sleeping which is increasing his anxiety and stress, and his tinnitus. He’s absolutely broken today

I felt hope yesterday and today I feel just beat. The ENT appointment is next week, but he’s got a GP (phone) apt in a couple of days. Hoping the GP can give him something for his sleep as I can’t begin to imagine how soul destroying this is.

Hypnosis/hypnotherapy has been proven to help reduce or eliminate tinnitus. As your DH's is linked to anxiety/stress it's more likely to be an emotional rather than a mechanical issue.

https://www.tinnitusformula.com/library/hypnotherapy-and-tinnitus/

I also developed tinnitus after covid-5 months now. Some days I can ignore it and tune it out, other days it remains unbearable.
I assume you have looked but there are lots of videos on you tube about how to ease the tinnitus face exercises and such, which have helped me no end. It is, I've found exacerbated by stress. ENT is a good place to start so let's hope they give him some positivity.

If you are not UK I can't help much with benefits advice-if you are feel free to DM.

Re the housing, if you can afford to buy, then I would look for whatever is nearest to suitable, available and buy that. even if it's not ideal it's stability and that's what you need at the minute.

I also found the lack of sleep (cause by the tinnitus ) made the bloody tinnitus and everything else worse. So if the dr can give him something strong to at least get him a few nights sleep then that would be ideal.

The doctor may be able to give him something that effectively "turns down" the nerve input coming from the ear.

Standard drugs that do that would be amytriptyline, possibly pregabaline (although I don't think they use that any more), duloxetine which is the one I am on.

If he takes it in the evening it will mean he can sleep which will make a big difference.

I had tinnitus along with a number of other issues and my consultant prescribed it and my GP was happy to carry on.

not that it helps right now but my partner has had permanent tinnitus since 2012 there is no break in it, he was 21 at the time. If it is permanent they will get used to it. Yes he finds it annoying at times but for him things could have been alot worse than tinnitus and the other injuries he suffered (was assaulted) but for your partner it’s all new and distressing, you flapping around him isn’t going to help the situation. Do you need to live where you are? If not look at alternative areas. You’re unlikely going to get a job at 7months. I’m not sure if it’s classed as a disability but he might be able to claim some UC

@autumn1610 why do you think I’m unlikely to get a job at the moment at 7 months pregnant?

Thanks @Octavia64 will look into these drugs. Sorry you had to go through this too, it’s so debilitating.

I’m so worn in running after him and all his needs when I have plenty of my own. I’m busting a gut, got swollen everything and a really painful back. I’m managing the household, meals, laundry with no help and in constant pain trying to get a job to keep us afloat.

He just flies off the handle at everything. If I didn’t know any better I’d say he may have induced this through extreme stress. I genuinely don’t understand how he can let everything stress him to the extent he does (this is before the tinnitus). Feels like a ticking time bomb.

I’m tired and getting no sleep myself, no sleep. But I’ve the drive and motivation to keep on keeping on because what other choice do I have?