Broken, need a hand hold

[Keepthefaith23]

Long time user on a new account for privacy reasons. I’m writing this here for a hand hold because I have no one else to turn to. Please don’t say friends or family, I have no one.

I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant and really scared. Just been through the worst month of our lives with DH. We moved abroad for work, it didn’t work out, we came back (expensive). We came back to a storm. We sold our property and couldn’t purchase another (nothing to buy that fit the bill) and renting was a nightmare. We eventually got a short term place to rent, although owner has it up for sale and now taking viewings! It’s a top floor Victorian flat which is killing me being so heavily pregnant, but we were option-less at the time. Terribly inconsiderate and loud neighbours (constant DIY at 9am on a Sunday outwith permitted hours here and with hammer drills, etc).

The stress has been unreal. I haven’t stopped. I’ve been lifting (I know I shouldn’t, but I had to get on) and have badly damaged by back and hips, think it’s sciatica. Midwife not interested in helping, says it’s “normal”.

DH and I’s marriage has really suffered.

I gave up work to move abroad (his salary covered us); and took care of daily life and amazingly, fell pregnant (we didn’t think it would happen, tried for a good while). Since coming back, DH jacked the job in as he felt he couldn’t continue / they’d treated him horribly (I agree). So whilst we have a good run of savings, we’ve no renewable income, an unsteady housing situation and a baby imminent…

I’ve been applying for jobs myself and had a couple of interviews, sadly unsuccessful. I want to do something to get us back into the game of work - even with me being this pregnant, I know. Far from ideal.

He was getting back into the swing of things, applying for jobs, interviewing and then around 2 weeks ago, DH developed tinnitus. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s hellish for him. His ears never give him a break. He can barely function, never mind sleep, due to the ringing (the loud neighbours don’t help, but afraid of saying anything because of our tenuous housing situation).

This has obviously affected his mood. I’ve done everything I can to try and help. The GP has been next to useless, so I’ve had to dip into savings to get a private ENT appointment with a specialist which is upcoming. The situation seems hopeless (thanks, Google). I’m terrified as DH has started saying he can’t live like this (I believe him) and how he can’t go in with this mental torture (he’s also ASD, so this I believe amplifies an already hellish situation).

He’s started saying things to me like “you’ll need a house”, which scares me to tears. He’s started speaking like he’s not going to be here. Saying things like I’ll give you all the passwords to my things, I’ll get a job and get you death in service etc. Man, I’m in floods of tears just writing this.

To mask the noise we’ve had to sleep in different rooms and every night as he keeps light music on to distract himself - it feels like I’ve lost him when he leaves for bed. I cry myself to sleep. I really miss him, I miss us, and I feel hopeless. I’m having terrible dreams and night terrors, waking up pouring in sweat and he’s (understandably) grumpy in the mornings, when I just want to run through and see him, make sure he’s ok, trying to help to get him what I can. It’s just impossible. He just wants to be alone. Keeps snapping at me. I’m not criticising him, I’m really not. I just feel I need to be seen a bit here too.

I love this man and miss him so much just in this short period of time. We have no idea what caused this, probably stress on balance of the factors. It doesn’t feel like it’s abating or going to right itself now and I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and have no idea what that’s even going to look like - or if he can even be there with how sensitive and sore his ears are. But I also recognise this isn’t about me.

I’m just horribly scared about this situation. I don’t even like nipping out to the shop, I’m so on edge he’s going to end his life. I cry all the time and I’m a bag of nerves. I know this is awful for the baby and believe me when I say I’m trying to hold it all together, I really am. I just can’t cope right now seeing the man I love falling apart and there being nothing I can do.

I really needed to express that and write it down as I truly don’t have any outlets.

Also I don't suppose your husband is coaliac is he, it is linked with Menieres.

You can look into claiming PIP.

Thank you @Donutsforbreakfast .. it was what we expected to a certain extent. Would have been nice for them to even entertain a wider spectrum of possible causes. The message from them was very bleak! Tinnitus, no cure, here’s a link to a website with more info..

I’ve first hand witnessed how debilitating a condition it is and my mind is blown how flippantly it’s been commented upon by medical professionals.

One thing that stood out for me in an online forum was a twice cancer patient saying that going through cancer and chemo - twice - was preferable to the mental torture or tinnitus. That was an eye opener to me. I’m glad your family member got relief.

@TheShellBeach we can’t. We have too much in the bank. There is no help or support available.

https://rnid.org.uk/information-and-support/tinnitus/tinnitus-treatments/managing-tinnitus-and-stress/

https://rnid.org.uk/information-and-support/tinnitus/what-to-do-if-you-have-tinnitus/tinnitus-what-you-can-do-to-manage-tinnitus/

PIP isn't means tested.

I’ve asked him this and he says sometimes hard to tell, but suspects it’s the right ear only. And yes to stress exacerbating the situation massively. I fully believe this may have been a trigger.

All this pressure (not to mention the hammer drill that’s been going on for the last 4 hours) have really not helped.

We were told the counselling waiting list is 3 years long in this area and again, to pay to go private. DH is a bit dubious about the merit of this as he sees it as a “mask” of the problem, not a solution.

My husband has tinnitus and it’s horrible. I wear ear plugs so he can have the radio on to sleep.
I would see an ENT specialist. They may help, they may not but it’s no way clear cut and you need to rule out other things. Feel free to PM me. I can tell you who my husband saw in case you’re local.

If you can afford to move and neither of you have a job. Wouldn't it make more sense to move to a cheaper part of the country?

@TheShellBeach you may mean well, but I feel you keep trying to correct me and have some oneupmanship here. PIP is for long term conditions. It’s been two weeks. That does not qualify for long term, at this stage.

DH is a bit dubious about the merit of this as he sees it as a “mask” of the problem, not a solution.

Your DH is threatening to end his life over this... maybe he needs to be open to all treatment possibilities.

Thank you, I’m really sorry your DH had to go through this (and you by extension). Please let me know the details of who you saw, and how it went / tests etc? (If you don’t mind of course)

I’d love to know where you think is cheaper in the current climate with access to services etc. Some of these seemingly simplistic solutions are just that - look into it and it fair adds up / is not workable.

Please just trust my intelligence that I’ve already done what I can what with us or having jobs / securing a rental at a competitive rate (I did mention I was in a top floor flat…!)

If its the one ear only then yes he does need to see ENT, but try and find someone who has some interest in tinnitus as sometimes the ENT attitude can be just as bad as the GP. I really feel for him.

For nighttime at least ask him to try some white noise, if he isn't sleeping it becomes a really viscous circle of exhaustion and stress making the tinnitus worse. Yes it's masking the problem but in the short term lack of sleep will be making it worse.

I do appreciate what you’re saying, but I can’t reason much with him right now. He can barely communicate with me as he’s trying so hard to zone out and focus on his tv shows to distract him.

I will of course continue to explore and suggest all avenues, but do understand my predicament too; a fine balance between supporting him and giving him what he’s asking for.

Yeah we have the ENT appointment next week, and hope to get a bit more then. Hoping it may be an ear infection / sinus related etc. If nothing else, at least to rule things out.

At night he’s listening to his safe programmes on his iPad on low. He’s never exposed himself to loud noise, hence this is all a bit of a mystery.

This all sounds so difficult for you op. What country are you in?

Hi, I don’t want to give too much specific away about what country I’m in as it may be outing, sorry.

Op, are you in the UK? It's just in one of your posts you say that the whole country is rural - although I think you may have meant county. If you are in the UK, neither of you are working and you don't have/can't rely on friends and family, is it not possible for you to move to a cheaper area? I think you have to seriously consider that if your LL is actively selling your property, you are going to HAVE to move somewhere quite soon!

I know people have said that Tinnitus is very difficult to cure and I agree, my husband has had it for several years but possibly not as bad as your husband. However if this is a recent thing, your GP hasn't even seen your DH in person and you have substantial savings, I think this would be a great use of a couple of hundred pounds to see a specialist and at least get the diagnosis confirmed - or not.

Edited to say, if you won't say what country you're in, then there's not much anyone can suggest to help with your housing issues.

See the thing is, you're doing an awful lot of assuming stuff. I get that you want to wallow, feel trapped and overwhelmed and just want poor husband to get though, what frankly is a mental health crisis and needs professional help. HE needs professional help. You can't do that on the quiet because of some assumed stigma.

You don't have the luxury of time here. You're overwhelmed now, what's it going to be like with a baby screaming the place down. A baby who will make damned sure it's needs are met before your husbands?

There isn't a lot you can do for tinnitus. But finding somewhere more peaceful and safe for him will probably help massively

Yes, but you can’t get a private rent these days without proveable income and a reference from an employer. It’s really not that simple.

Now you’re insulting me saying I’m assuming things.. cool. I’m a realist who is keen to make the right decision for the long term here. It’s not for me to decide what HE needs without first consulting him whilst I believe he is still mentally capable of consent (he is).

Your final paragraph first sentence sounds exactly like the GP “there isn’t a lot you can do for tinnitus”.

Sometimes when people are super fragile others would be minded to be aware of the impact of their words on others.

I know you don't want to discuss it but my bad mental health journey has never stopped me getting jobs
I've never had my children taken away or social services involved
And I have emigrated

Good luck with your families journey

Also to add - when I didn't have an income coming in, I paid for 2 years rent upfront - that might an option for you as you said you have the funds

Could you have worked with a high pitched screaming sound in your ears in an intense job though? I get what you’re saying and the positive message that runs through it, and I’m truly glad it worked out for you, I am. But I’m being realistic for my DH here; he can’t possibly work in that environment, the man is going through mental torture.

He is an incredibly intelligent and hard working man in a very responsible job - he can’t afford to make mistakes and it would be irresponsible and a sackable offence for him to proceed to work when under this mental stress - causation of the believed tinnitus.

I can help with the tinnitus. I got it bad after my first bout with covid and it never went away. That alone is enough to make someone truly go mad. If DH can get that under control it would change everything for him. Tinnitus is nearly debilitating, mostly on mental health. I have been able to get mine quiet, and when it does get bad it doesn't bother me as much. The main thing is to lay off caffeine. Sadly that means all tea and coffee, energy drinks, and chocolate. The second is seeing a specialist for neurology, and getting some medication. Both cyproheptadine and amitryptaline (probably spelled wrong and might go by different names in different countries. These are usually prescribed for other things like migraine or depression, but the side effect also treats tinnitus) have been miraculous for me. I took them on different occasions, not together. There could be other meds that are standard practice, I'm not a doctor, this is just my experience. I also have pain in my right ear as well- the nerve damage is extensive. Laying off caffeine and taking a med also took that pain away. Nicotine might be a trigger as well, I imagine any stimulant. Even decaf tea or coffee contain other forms of stimulants and trigger the tinnitus. After I started taking meds I was able to start drinking tea and coffee again. Caffeine makes anxiety worse too, so laying off awhile would be good.

Regarding the avalanche of problems you're facing- I've been there many times as a single parent. There's a saying, "When it rains it pours" and I find that to be true and a comfort too, as it won't rain forever. Take deep breaths and remind yourself that you'll be in a better situation soon, one way or another. You will figure it out. You'll be smarter and stronger after it's over. When my children are upset or hurt, I say "It's ok" and they immediately calm down. I say the same to myself all the time. You gotta change your inner voice and thought patterns to go in a more positive direction. You'll be more open to opportunities and will do better at them, being more emotionally ready for it. It sounds like you and DH are taking responsibility and really exploring every avenue. So you'll get out of this in no time and it will be such a relief. Good luck with everything! 🍀💜

Edited to add- loud noises can be really triggering for tinnitus so no loud music, yelling, machinery, etc. Wear ear protection if around those sounds a lot.