Broken, need a hand hold

[Keepthefaith23]

Long time user on a new account for privacy reasons. I’m writing this here for a hand hold because I have no one else to turn to. Please don’t say friends or family, I have no one.

I’m currently 7.5 months pregnant and really scared. Just been through the worst month of our lives with DH. We moved abroad for work, it didn’t work out, we came back (expensive). We came back to a storm. We sold our property and couldn’t purchase another (nothing to buy that fit the bill) and renting was a nightmare. We eventually got a short term place to rent, although owner has it up for sale and now taking viewings! It’s a top floor Victorian flat which is killing me being so heavily pregnant, but we were option-less at the time. Terribly inconsiderate and loud neighbours (constant DIY at 9am on a Sunday outwith permitted hours here and with hammer drills, etc).

The stress has been unreal. I haven’t stopped. I’ve been lifting (I know I shouldn’t, but I had to get on) and have badly damaged by back and hips, think it’s sciatica. Midwife not interested in helping, says it’s “normal”.

DH and I’s marriage has really suffered.

I gave up work to move abroad (his salary covered us); and took care of daily life and amazingly, fell pregnant (we didn’t think it would happen, tried for a good while). Since coming back, DH jacked the job in as he felt he couldn’t continue / they’d treated him horribly (I agree). So whilst we have a good run of savings, we’ve no renewable income, an unsteady housing situation and a baby imminent…

I’ve been applying for jobs myself and had a couple of interviews, sadly unsuccessful. I want to do something to get us back into the game of work - even with me being this pregnant, I know. Far from ideal.

He was getting back into the swing of things, applying for jobs, interviewing and then around 2 weeks ago, DH developed tinnitus. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s hellish for him. His ears never give him a break. He can barely function, never mind sleep, due to the ringing (the loud neighbours don’t help, but afraid of saying anything because of our tenuous housing situation).

This has obviously affected his mood. I’ve done everything I can to try and help. The GP has been next to useless, so I’ve had to dip into savings to get a private ENT appointment with a specialist which is upcoming. The situation seems hopeless (thanks, Google). I’m terrified as DH has started saying he can’t live like this (I believe him) and how he can’t go in with this mental torture (he’s also ASD, so this I believe amplifies an already hellish situation).

He’s started saying things to me like “you’ll need a house”, which scares me to tears. He’s started speaking like he’s not going to be here. Saying things like I’ll give you all the passwords to my things, I’ll get a job and get you death in service etc. Man, I’m in floods of tears just writing this.

To mask the noise we’ve had to sleep in different rooms and every night as he keeps light music on to distract himself - it feels like I’ve lost him when he leaves for bed. I cry myself to sleep. I really miss him, I miss us, and I feel hopeless. I’m having terrible dreams and night terrors, waking up pouring in sweat and he’s (understandably) grumpy in the mornings, when I just want to run through and see him, make sure he’s ok, trying to help to get him what I can. It’s just impossible. He just wants to be alone. Keeps snapping at me. I’m not criticising him, I’m really not. I just feel I need to be seen a bit here too.

I love this man and miss him so much just in this short period of time. We have no idea what caused this, probably stress on balance of the factors. It doesn’t feel like it’s abating or going to right itself now and I’m 8 weeks away from giving birth and have no idea what that’s even going to look like - or if he can even be there with how sensitive and sore his ears are. But I also recognise this isn’t about me.

I’m just horribly scared about this situation. I don’t even like nipping out to the shop, I’m so on edge he’s going to end his life. I cry all the time and I’m a bag of nerves. I know this is awful for the baby and believe me when I say I’m trying to hold it all together, I really am. I just can’t cope right now seeing the man I love falling apart and there being nothing I can do.

I really needed to express that and write it down as I truly don’t have any outlets.

So much to deal with all at once - I am so sorry.

Tinnitus - you are right to seek a private opinion. There are many causes and he needs seeing as it is torture. It is beyond disgraceful that GP shrugs it off so lightly - you can see what it is doing to your OH. Even if the consultant has no magic wand you will at least know that you have done all you could. Tinnitus will make his low mood much much worse.

You need to get proper medical advice as to interactions and side effects of ADs and how this might relate to the tinnitus.

I think you need to break down your problems and try and tackle one at a time.

Top priority is your OH's low mood and suicidal thoughts. He needs to seek medical help. I hope you are able to encourage him in that direction. I know you are anxious about the what you see as the stigma of mental illness and the impact on job prospects etc., but I think that you are overstating this and cannot ignore his ill health. Truly it is a major priority to get this treated and no concerns about postulated effects on work prospects should stop you from encouraging him in the direction of help. So, maybe start with your OH - his low mood and tinnitus are likely to be linked - and he needs a new GP of course.

Please do not avoid treatment for your OH - your fears, even if you feel they are valid, do not override the importance of getting his low mood sorted. Anyone who is talking about suicide regularly needs urgent help.

I know of what I speak - my late OH suffered with depression.

@Mischance thank you, I really appreciate your advice and I am taking it on board. Made an apt with another GP, and specialist upcoming. Told him to be honest and frank about his symptoms and prepared to advocate strongly for him if he mentally can not.

I’m sorry for your loss when you describe your late OH who struggled. Do you have any advice / words of wisdom on how you managed to cope? I do recognise this is not all about me, but I am really struggling and taking a big burden of all the responsibility when my body needs rest, so could do with some coping strategies - any really…

OP- I think the unlikely to get a job thing is a fair comment. Not many employers want to take someone on who will be on maternity leave before they can even properly on board them. I don't think being pregnant is a protected characteristic unless you are already employed at any given organisation.
When you have had the baby you might be viewed as more employable. Plus to be fair-and I mean this gently-how will you work with a new born baby and a very unwell husband to look after?

OP, I do some work for an estate agent, and they will accept people who pay 6 or 12 months rent up front, so that could be an option for you?

Rents vary by huge amounts all over the country, so if you don't have any ties to an area, you could research other areas with less rent with the facilities that you want.

I have tinnitus, and work from home. I always have a tv show/radio playing in the background as if there is other noise then I focus on that rather than the tinnitus.

How to cope with a depressed spouse? I would be dishonest if I said it was easy and I have all the answers. There were times when it made me very exasperated - as I am only human!

I was as supportive as I could be - and in our case it involved encouraging him to leave the professional partnership that was making things worse and to go part time. This involved selling our home, moving schools etc. etc., but him being so unwell was not tenable in the long term.

One of the difficult things about a depressed spouse is that it is very hard to reason with them - they filter everything through a black cloud and see others around them as being recklessly and irrationally happy and satisfied with life. "You just don't understand" was a frequent cry. And possibly it was true - but I was trying to understand and that is all any of us can do.

The tendency for the needs of the depressed partner to overshadow all other needs - yours, family's etc. - is huge. And this is why he needs treatment - your needs are pretty high at present! - and they will be subsumed into his gloom. You cannot make him better by yourself - you need proper professional advice alongside you. Until his mood is raised you will find it very hard to tackle the raft of other challenges that you are facing. No-one can live happily with someone who is talking about ending their life.

I am glad you are making all the right appointments and seeking the right advice. There is a strong case to be made for you going with him to these appointments if you can bring him around to that view. It needs someone to be stating clearly that he is talking of suicide - and in quite practical ways talking of your life after he is gone. He may not tell them this himself. It is a risk factor for him, and virtually impossible for you to either tolerate or deal with on your own.

I hope you are getting ante-natal care and support from friends and family. And I am rooting for you from the ether!

@Keepthefaith23 i wasn’t being horrible but unless you can find someone to take you on in the next week or so then you at most have around 6weeks if you finish 2 weeks before due date. It’s not impossible but I think it would be a struggle to find someone to take you on. With you worrying about your partners MH it doesn’t sound like working would do you any good, unless you could find a home based role and could see him.

something big has happened to him and at the moment he can’t see past that and speaking to my partner previously apart from the facial paralysis he had at the time being the bigger issue, it was the tinnitus that drove him crazy. But he said he got used to it, and I’m sure your partner if they are unable to treat will get used to it too. He said it is now a background noise, which is constant (only saying this as I wanted you to know people can live with it) But it seems now from what you are saying the MH is probably the biggest priority to look at.

He’s just had a violent outburst, slammed the laptop on me, punched it 3 times, thrown his phone and called me a C.

All because I asked about something tomorrow I’d previously asked about.

Everything is always my fault.

I’m using the laptop to apply for jobs. I am a nervous wreck. I don’t deserve this.

Okay, OP, this changes things. That behaviour is violent and abusive and this is not a safe situation for you.

You need to leave, or he does. I suggest it's you, simply because that is the path of least resistance. Pack up the essential things you need - passport, birth cert, banking stuff, things for you and the baby - and get out of there. Book into a hotel or airbnb for a few days while you sort out your accommodation. You can't stay there with this man. It's not safe.

What @beastlyslumber said. Sorry op.

Totally agree with PP, you need to leave.

There’s no excuse for that, ill or not. You’re pregnant with his child, get away from him before there’s a tiny new baby in his firing line.

Are you OK OP?

Irritability is a feature of depression, but, as others have said, if it spills over into this sort of violent outburst you do need to be thinking of your own well-being and the baby's. What a very difficult time for you.

Was searching posts on tinnitus and came across this, it is a few months old post but just wanted to ask - are you fine OP? I hope you and the baby are fine.