Honest opinion please, counsellor called me manipulative

[Purpleraiin]

My partner has been diagnosed with a form of BPD known as emotionally unstable personality disorder and also emotional dysregulation. This had caused regular blow ups, him switching into a total different person during the blow ups and him packing and leaving every single time. Then comes back once he's switched back himself. I'm fine with this and have accepted it and support him, he receives help and his switching is getting less frequent and less nasty.

When he switches communication is difficult, he hears me say things I've not actually said, puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, or tells me about all these fellings/issues that have built up and are now coming out during his episode. To me the natural response when someone tells you how they feel is to ask questions. Why do you feel like this, how long have you felt like it, what can I do to help help that? Etc.....so that is my response. It rarely gets me anywhere as he goes from 0-100 within minutes so my questions fall on deaf ears and he leaves anyway until his episode is over.

We decided couples counselling was our way forward, hoping to help my partner learn ways to communicate with me before he switches and during a switch and for me to learn what I can do to not trigger him and to help when it reaches boiling point. I explained to the counsellor I ask questions when he throws around these accusations or feelings and i ask so I can understand why he feels that way, if its something I've done to trigger those feelings and what I can do to help. The counsellor told me I am manipulative for doing this. I couldn't understand how that makes me manipulative so I asked her for an explanation and she actually couldn't give me one and moved On from the subject.

My partner is just coming out of another episode so isn't fully back to the reasonable and nice version of himself, so he has now lapped up me being called manipulative by a counsellor, and for him it has validated what I believe to be unreasonable thoughts about me which he gets during every episode. He himself will take back these thoughts once he's out of the episode and admit I'm not the problem, it's him and his mental health and not being able to manage issues without being triggered. I've asked his thoughts Om the manipulative comment and he says he agrees although he wouldn't have used the word manipulative. His words were ' I think it's more controlling than manipulative. You like to be in control of the situation. You don't like it when things don't go your way so you fire away with the questions.'

I am genuinely confused how asking questions about an issue that's been put to me by my partner is either manipulative or controlling. This is making me doubt myself now so I really need other people's opinions as i darednt question it any further with my partner through worry that will also be seen as controlling.....as far as he's concerned he is absolutely right because the counsellor has validated his thoughts with the manipulative comment.

May be worth mentioning I saw this counsellor by myself before bringing him along to the sessions. Her opinion of me when alone was the total opposite to her opinion when attending as a couple, and she said alot that contradicted herself from my sessions alone. I also have other issues towards her that have come up during our joint session but I don't know if I am being over sensitive tbh

Please dump him and stop the counseling.

Dump them both.

Who diagnosed him with EUPD?.

Stop seeing this counsellor, it’s no point at all in continuing any joint counselling sessions. If you can be manipulated by him then he can certainly manipulate a counsellor into taking his side. And no you are not being over sensitive at all. Counsellor does not likely recognise the abuse that has been and remains present in this relationship.

You and he should no longer be together under any circumstances.

Is this counsellor anything to do with Relate?.

Asking questions is not manipulative.

People with genuine BPD (it is misdiagnosed an awful lot so not everyone that is told they have BPD actually does) behave very manipulative at times however.

His episodes are nothing but abuse. Why are you tolerating this?

Hi Purpleraiin - your post jumped out at me as my partner displays very similar behaviour to yours and has done for several years. He has not actually been diagnosed with EUBD but what you have described resonates very strongly. He hears things I haven’t said, and/or his interpretation is so far away from what I meant, it is and has been very difficult to deal with, along with anger issues too.
I can understand what you must be going through. We have just started relationship counselling and have a long way to go. But those questions you asked are absolutely not manipulative. I would have done the very same , ultimately to try and understand what has happened. I seriously query the skill of the counsellor if he comes out with such a remark.

It is often said on here that joint counselling is a really bad idea when there is any kind of abuse in a relationship, and this is why.

Please stop seeing this counsellor, find another one and go by yourself.

Is there any reason why you need to stay with him? Because that sounds a horrible way to live. I say that with some understanding as one of my oldest and best friends has BPD and it can be incredibly hard work to put up with. I absolutely could not live with someone who had the condition, I just couldn't.

I'd stop the counselling too. That's not to say that counselling can't be useful but the relationship with this therapist has clearly broken down.

A psychiatrist diagnosed after a number of assessments, counselling and programmes. It's a recent diagnosis, only last month, but the traits have been there a long long time. The help they have given has made a huge difference and he's been active about seeking help, engaging and improving which is why I'm happy to continue the relationship. His behaviour has changed massively, we both just agreed a counsellors help is needed as the diagnosis is not something either of us have dealt with before, and we both need to learn how to communicate issues without it triggering him to switch.

That is (or was) our only problem which we are both happy to learn how to fix. I started sessions alone with the counsellor and although the sessions themselves were good, I actually felt slightly gas lit or a condescending tone/behaviour from her at times which is ironic considering I told her there was previous history of my partner gaslighting before he begun receiving help.
1st appointment fine. 2nd appointment she told me a day and time to my face and writ it on an appointment card, I turn up and she isn't there. Rang an messaged and finally got through to be told I've got it wrong, appointment was later that day she has it In her diary. I repeat to her the time I have, to again be told no its wrong she's looking at her diary now. I tell her I'm looking at my appointment card right now and it's not the same time she's trying to tell me on the phone. The appointment goes ahead anyway and at the end she comments ' right so your next one is on this day and this time, here's your appointment card and it's in my diary, let's try and get it right next time purplerain.' I'm a very condescending tone.
3rd appointment comes round, again she isn't there. Finally answers the phone to tell me I've got it wrong again for the 2nd time In a row, she's got me in for the day after as she doesn't work On the day I've turned up. She Refuses to believe what's on my appointment card, i was looking at it while on the phone to her so i was 100% not mistaken. I left and came back the next day and again had a remark off her about me getting the appointment messed up!!!! Then another sarcy comment when she booked me In for my next appointment about me not messing up forna 4th time. Pulled her diary out and showed me where she has writ me in then showed me how it smashed my next appointment card and said hopefully I don't have anymore mix ups 🙄

The counsellor is doing a bad job and you need to dump her and get a new one, if you’re determined to carry on with couples counselling.

Personally I would end the relationship though. There is too much drama and manipulative behaviour from his side, I’d have no patience for dramatics over nothing much.

Can I ask why you ask that? My brother has a narcissistic fiancee. They went for counselling (relate) and he came out of it feeling like it was all his fault. The counsellor seemed to take her side.

She sounds fucking dangerous. Run.

Agree. She sounds awful, as does your partner.

You must feel like you're going crazy.

FWIW when I worked in a college the counselling course was extremely popular and it was known amongst the rest of the staff that all of the students (and the staff teaching it, too) all had psychological problems of their own. This could range from mild to severe with several incidents each year, until the entire course was dropped.

I wonder why you're so keen to stay with your partner. As is often said on here, you're not a rehab unit for a dysfunctional man. A happier life is out there, just waiting for you to cut ties.

It's very kind of you to attend any couples counselling. I hope your partner is very grateful.

I think a lot of people would have sought a simpler life and ended things with all of the 'episodes'

OP, do you listen to podcasts? There's a counselling one which I can highly recommend. It's called Dear Therapists with Lori Gottlieb and Guy Winch | Podcast on Spotify and it's really interesting and insightful.

Do you have to see this counsellor? Do you have to have this partner?

If not, why are you choosing to be around people who make you feel bad?

I don't understand, after her being so rude and condescending, why on earth didn't you take the appointment card to the appointment and show it to her?! She sounds awful, definitely, definitely ditch her and bear in mind that you are being abused by your partner, even if you know the reason why and he's 'working on it'. You don't have to put up with it and he's unlikely to ever completely stop.

Many Relate counsellors seemingly in particular do not recognise abuse. This is likely why this person came out feeling like it was all their fault. And it is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist, she will destroy him ultimately.

She is self employed but has worked for relate in the past. I'm not sure if she still does though. Any particular reason you ask this??

The "Couples Counsellor" is not qualified to advise on anything in this scenario. He should continue to get the appropriate professional help he needs. Any advice your receive on how to deal with him needs to come from a qualified professional. Can you have a joint session with his psychiatrist?

Thank you, I didn't think so either.

Yes you are right and I've been through my fair share of manipulation with him which has now stopped. But it's now peed me off that I've been called manipulative and thus had now obviously stuck in my partners head as it came from a professional

The appointment card thing alone for would have been enough for not to want to see her again! Making mistakes happens, we all make them. But someone who, in the face of evidence of their mistake continues to deny it was them and tries to blame you - that's not someone I would want as a therapist.

It really is worth remembering that pretty much anyone can set themselves up as a counsellor with extremely minimal training. They’re not professionally qualified.

I had couples counselling with my emotionally abusive and gaslighting ex and he totally won the counsellor over. When I asked that we move to a different counsellor because I wasn’t finding our experience useful he told me he’d leave me unless we stayed with that one.