Honest opinion please, counsellor called me manipulative

[Purpleraiin]

My partner has been diagnosed with a form of BPD known as emotionally unstable personality disorder and also emotional dysregulation. This had caused regular blow ups, him switching into a total different person during the blow ups and him packing and leaving every single time. Then comes back once he's switched back himself. I'm fine with this and have accepted it and support him, he receives help and his switching is getting less frequent and less nasty.

When he switches communication is difficult, he hears me say things I've not actually said, puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, or tells me about all these fellings/issues that have built up and are now coming out during his episode. To me the natural response when someone tells you how they feel is to ask questions. Why do you feel like this, how long have you felt like it, what can I do to help help that? Etc.....so that is my response. It rarely gets me anywhere as he goes from 0-100 within minutes so my questions fall on deaf ears and he leaves anyway until his episode is over.

We decided couples counselling was our way forward, hoping to help my partner learn ways to communicate with me before he switches and during a switch and for me to learn what I can do to not trigger him and to help when it reaches boiling point. I explained to the counsellor I ask questions when he throws around these accusations or feelings and i ask so I can understand why he feels that way, if its something I've done to trigger those feelings and what I can do to help. The counsellor told me I am manipulative for doing this. I couldn't understand how that makes me manipulative so I asked her for an explanation and she actually couldn't give me one and moved On from the subject.

My partner is just coming out of another episode so isn't fully back to the reasonable and nice version of himself, so he has now lapped up me being called manipulative by a counsellor, and for him it has validated what I believe to be unreasonable thoughts about me which he gets during every episode. He himself will take back these thoughts once he's out of the episode and admit I'm not the problem, it's him and his mental health and not being able to manage issues without being triggered. I've asked his thoughts Om the manipulative comment and he says he agrees although he wouldn't have used the word manipulative. His words were ' I think it's more controlling than manipulative. You like to be in control of the situation. You don't like it when things don't go your way so you fire away with the questions.'

I am genuinely confused how asking questions about an issue that's been put to me by my partner is either manipulative or controlling. This is making me doubt myself now so I really need other people's opinions as i darednt question it any further with my partner through worry that will also be seen as controlling.....as far as he's concerned he is absolutely right because the counsellor has validated his thoughts with the manipulative comment.

May be worth mentioning I saw this counsellor by myself before bringing him along to the sessions. Her opinion of me when alone was the total opposite to her opinion when attending as a couple, and she said alot that contradicted herself from my sessions alone. I also have other issues towards her that have come up during our joint session but I don't know if I am being over sensitive tbh

Hello OP I am very sorry that you are gong through this and I hope you find a way to solve or get out of this situation. As for your counselor saying you are being manipulative, I think it outrageous. First of all what you were saying has nothing to do with manipulation, but most importantly, they are not supposed to say stuff like that. Her job is not to judge but to mediate between the two of you to find a way to communicate better. I would say, dump the counselor and look for another, but this time see if someone can refer you to a good one. As for your husband, that is tough, you need to decide if you can stay or not. You have to remember that you do not owe anybody anything and that you need to take care of you. Good luck.

Change the counsellor. The current one is well odd and harmful for your relationship.

Your counselor is terrible. Not just her blaming you for her own scheduling error, but doing it twice and then being condescending towards you. Even someone quite proud might make one mistake but would make a mental note to check their facts twice before they gave you the next appointment date. I think this woman is on a power trip and the natural self-corrective urge is being overridden by her enjoyment of treating you (the patient) in a demeaning manner and making you feel powerless and as if your view of reality must be erased and replaced with her view. Please find another counselor and if possible do not have even one more session with this counselor.

I would definitely stop the counselling. She sounds like a bad fit and to say asking questions is manipulative is just hilarious. I would say check her training and background but given she has essentially called you a liar for the appointments mix ups and manipulative for trying to support your partner I can't see that carrying on with the sessions is helpful.

Regarding your partner if he throws this manipulative comment back at you when he is triggered I would struggle to carry on supporting him. It is good he is seeking support but treading on egg shells as you appear to be is damaging to your own mental health. A relationship shouldn't be that difficult.

Just to clear this up, EUPD isn’t a subset of BPD - it’s just the European classification system name for it.

BPD - DSM (American)
EUPD - ICD (European)

They’re exactly the same thing.

some really good replies here, particularly Ratatouee’s

it sounds like he’s had some DBT skills work as thats what the Steps programme is based on.

I would also advise you to stop asking questions when he’s triggered, just walk away and disengage. It’s not your responsibility to help him figure that stuff out, it’s for him to be working on in his own therapy.

agree ditch the couples counselling, it’s not going to be what you hoped.

I think you would benefit from looking into why you need to try and help a broken man.

No comment on your relationship as you've asked specifically about the counsellor. The Lucy Letby case shows that health are professionals are not necessarily acting in patients' best interests. Counsellors are not necessarily held to such a high standard so quite possibly even with lots of qualifications could be useless at their job. But TBH yo me this actually sounds like a deliberate abuse of power, trying to make you feel stupid and inadequate. Who knows what kind of negative traits could cause this, from narcissism to sociopathy. In any case, find a new counsellor. Though I might see her once more just to tell her to go herself.

I don't have BPD but do have emotional dysregulation. The absolute worst thing to do when I am dysregulated is to fire questions at me. My DH has a tendency to do this and it makes me feel like I'm being interrogated and heightens the dysregulation. The best thing is to give me space so I can calm down and regulate.

I have seen a LOT of counsellors and therapists (including couple's therapists) in my lifetime, and I can tell you categorically that your counsellor is shit (beyond shit, she's actually harmful). Get rid of her asap. Finding a good counsellor is difficult. Have one or two sessions with them and if you don't gel (ie you are not feeling like they get you), or if there is even one red flag (you have described multiple) then move on. You have to be your most vulnerable with a counsellor. It's important that you gel, and that they don't do things like fucking gaslight you!

I'm sorry you've had such a bad experience. If someone is emotionally unstable, personal or group therapy with a DBT focus can be really helpful. Couples therapy might br putting the cart before the horse,

It is 100 percent on your partner to manage his triggers and to walk away until he gets himself under control. You should not become overly invested in helping him manage, protecting him from being “triggered”, or otherwise changing your behavior to protect him from the fall out of his bad behavior towards you. You are extremely codependent with your partner and are taking up a rescuer’s stance towards him which is very unhealthy. Get out of therapy with the crappy couples counselor, get individual therapy to work on your codependency issues.

Are there any children?

I don’t think it’s good practice for the counsellor to see you on your own, then together. You would be better to find a couples counsellor who is impartial.

@FortyNine49 thanks, the link was really useful & havs given me some new options