Honest opinion please, counsellor called me manipulative

[Purpleraiin]

My partner has been diagnosed with a form of BPD known as emotionally unstable personality disorder and also emotional dysregulation. This had caused regular blow ups, him switching into a total different person during the blow ups and him packing and leaving every single time. Then comes back once he's switched back himself. I'm fine with this and have accepted it and support him, he receives help and his switching is getting less frequent and less nasty.

When he switches communication is difficult, he hears me say things I've not actually said, puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, or tells me about all these fellings/issues that have built up and are now coming out during his episode. To me the natural response when someone tells you how they feel is to ask questions. Why do you feel like this, how long have you felt like it, what can I do to help help that? Etc.....so that is my response. It rarely gets me anywhere as he goes from 0-100 within minutes so my questions fall on deaf ears and he leaves anyway until his episode is over.

We decided couples counselling was our way forward, hoping to help my partner learn ways to communicate with me before he switches and during a switch and for me to learn what I can do to not trigger him and to help when it reaches boiling point. I explained to the counsellor I ask questions when he throws around these accusations or feelings and i ask so I can understand why he feels that way, if its something I've done to trigger those feelings and what I can do to help. The counsellor told me I am manipulative for doing this. I couldn't understand how that makes me manipulative so I asked her for an explanation and she actually couldn't give me one and moved On from the subject.

My partner is just coming out of another episode so isn't fully back to the reasonable and nice version of himself, so he has now lapped up me being called manipulative by a counsellor, and for him it has validated what I believe to be unreasonable thoughts about me which he gets during every episode. He himself will take back these thoughts once he's out of the episode and admit I'm not the problem, it's him and his mental health and not being able to manage issues without being triggered. I've asked his thoughts Om the manipulative comment and he says he agrees although he wouldn't have used the word manipulative. His words were ' I think it's more controlling than manipulative. You like to be in control of the situation. You don't like it when things don't go your way so you fire away with the questions.'

I am genuinely confused how asking questions about an issue that's been put to me by my partner is either manipulative or controlling. This is making me doubt myself now so I really need other people's opinions as i darednt question it any further with my partner through worry that will also be seen as controlling.....as far as he's concerned he is absolutely right because the counsellor has validated his thoughts with the manipulative comment.

May be worth mentioning I saw this counsellor by myself before bringing him along to the sessions. Her opinion of me when alone was the total opposite to her opinion when attending as a couple, and she said alot that contradicted herself from my sessions alone. I also have other issues towards her that have come up during our joint session but I don't know if I am being over sensitive tbh

I recently broke up with someone I'd dated for 3 years who had the exact behaviour you're describing.

I saw a therapist for the final two years who advised it was most likely BPD.

You shouldn't go to therapy with a domestic abuser. That's what he is.

I made a Clare's Law request at the end and heard a disclosure. Yours will have been the same with every ex.

I'm no contact and feeling a lot better.

You are enabling and micromanaging his behaviour and abusive ways. This will not end well and it seems like you're just conditioned now to put up with his excuse all because of his 'poor mental health.'

People with SEN still get disciplined, people who have shit upbringings can't go round being nasty. People who have bad mental health can't go round abusing their loved ones.

You are enabling him. Poor mental health absolutely doesn't excuse complete, consistent abuse.
He sounds like an arsehole tbh. Just an arsehole with mental health issues too.

You should never have counselling as a couple when there is abuse in the relationship…

You are enabling and micromanaging his behaviour and abusive ways

How is OP doing that, @M340 ? Can you go into detail, because it looks like you've said it with absolutely no foundation or reasoning.

Bloody hell!
Raise your bar OP!

Surely no one is this desperate that they’d be with a partner like this.

His mental health is his to manage. He’s the only one who can make the changes he needs to. You sound over involved. His personality disorder isn’t something you can fix.

I think it's more so she's trying to control / manage how people perceive her partner, and excusing his awful behaviour. That's the way I view it anyway.

The thing is with BPD is that it can never be cured, just managed.

I had an ex with BPD and it never got any better. I was always accused, demonized, subject to silent treatment. Nothing was ever resolved. I was terrified to tell him the truth about any issue I had because I knew he'd split, and I'd be in for a world of hell for days. Then it'd be apologies and promises to do better, which he then never followed through with - as little as a day later I'd be back to being this horrible cow again, who was hurting him so much.

I feel terribly sorry for those who suffer, because I know often it's a result of trauma so not strictly their fault. However I would never date someone with BPD again, and would advise most people to do the same. The situation is untenable. Your life will continue to be miserable. You just need to get out

What a waste of your life dealing with someone who treats you like shit. Diagnosis or not.

I get that you love your partner and want to support him through his health crises.
However, do dump the counsellor - she sounds awful. 3 times in a row she told you that you were wrong, when the appointment card showed that you were right. Don't believe about that, and don't believe her you being manipulative.

Take care of yourself 💐
Seek out another counsellor if you want to continue.

You just brought back the biggest memory/flashback of my ex narcissist contacting relate and giving them the victim performance And then saying his partner (me) was manipulative and he should break up with me.

what made you ask this question if you don’t mind me asking?

OP, I am diagnosed Borderline and I don't treat my husband like this, ever. It's because I take responsibility for my actions and reactions. There is a better life out there for you. Please seek it out.

He’s abusive
Counselling won’t work with an abusive partner

I agree with all of this.

I also cut off a new friend several months in who had BPD traits. She was horrible to her partner and friends.

People with BPD can get better after years of treatment, but not without that.

Are you married to your partner? D you have children together? If not, dump both the man and the therapist.

Good god just leave him.

Can people please read my posts before going on about current abuse.

I never asked for advice on my relationship, I am aware there used to be some verbal abuse In the past and that was my decision to stay In the relationship. We worked together to come up with strategies to deal with this and prevent me being on the receiving end of his episodes. Those strategies are still in place, I am not unhappy or suffering.

My partner is currently attending help with 3 different people 3 times a week and has been all year, he is committed to this. He Had a sit down with his boss and told him everything, this has enabled him to take 14 hours a week out of work to attend the help he has in place which has also meant a big drop in pay each month and cut backs on his lifestyle, but that's a small sacrifice he's been willing to take for the last year and going forward if it means he gets the help he needs.

No he isn't perfect, he's never going to be given his diagnosis but that doesn't mean he should be alone for the rest of his life and I'm happy to be the person he shares that life with. Now if he wasn't engaging in help, denied his condition, wasn't willing to put things in place to protect me from his episodes then of course it would be a different story. But that isn't the case so unless that changes I'm happy where I am.

We would both just like some professional help as his feelings and emotions are much more heightened than your average person. This can be good on one hand as he has unconditional love for the people he cares about and is honestly the most caring and generous person I've ever met.
On the other hand it makes some things tricky. If i have a minor problem and try to communicate this to him it can be taken very personally. He doesn't always see it for what it is and will instead see it as I clearly don't love him anymore or immediately thinks he makes me unhappy, this can trigger his fear of abandonment. His fear of abandonment is a work in progress and so is his fight or flight response. There is continuing progress on this though which we are both happy with.

So we need help to communicate problems. I need to learn how to voice issues to him In a way thadoesn't snt trigger those fears. He needs to learn how to take on board my issues without fear. My post was specifically to ask if the counsellor was correct or not because I do feel like she gaslit me over the appointments issue, and shutting me down when she asked me questions. Then to call me manipulative without explanation, in front of my partner just took the piss In my eyes. This led to a long convo when we got home as I was unsure what to believe, and then of course there's the partner with the personality disorder who has in the past struggled to accept responsibility for his actions. He quite obviously felt conflicted to. If this had been a little over a year ago, the counsellors comment to me could have set him straight off into an episode. Luckily the help he receives is actually helping and he was able to manage and regulate himself once at home but this still bought On severe anxiety and sickness.

So both of us suffered for her comment and my post is only to ask if what i was doing is manipulative. I'm clearly already stressed out thanks to what happened with her, I've not come on here to be made to feel more stressed with people getting On at me about my choice of relationship.
I get it, it's not for everyone, but I'm not here giving anyone shit for believing people with a mental health disorder should basically be alone. So I don't expect shit from people for believing in my partner and cheering him on through his progression.
Thank you to those who have offered some really good advice. I'm stepping away from the thread for a bit now as it's actually made me feel worse but ill come back later and reply to the ones I've missed 😊

Take this advice

I’ve been in this situation before and it’s very, very difficult.

If you continue the relationship I would advise you get your own counselling.

Your partner must be willing to get help / actually do it and they need a specialist counselling style.

Good luck and it will only work if he works at his issues. You nor a normal counsellor can do this.

In short, your current counsellor is wrong and has no idea what she is dealing with nor will be equipped to.

People are trying to help you, OP. It seems to me that you are so deeply embroiled in this situation that you don't realise that life doesn't have to be like this.

Counsellors live in a world where clients are truthful and want to resolve issues. You should never enter counselling where there is abuse (even where it is somehow excused by diagnosis) because the abused wants it to stop whereas the abuser just wants to do it better. This is turbocharged when the counsellor falls for the tropes of the abuser and thinks the abused is the problem.

The mask has to slip during a counselling session for them to see it. This happened for me. The counsellor said 'you're very good at this' and he said 'yes I am'. End of. She refused to see him again.

Why did the counsellor see you as the problem? You said you had individual sessions which were OK but joint sessions were problematic. I would guess he is presenting as the victim and unless he presents as the aggressor your accounts will not be believed. Same happened to me. Stay with the same counsellor until he presents as the aggressor. Trigger him if you must. Changing counsellor to one that says what you want to hear won't happen as long as he plays the victim. Then leave him.

he hears me say things I've not actually said, puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, or tells me about all these fellings/issues that have built up and are now coming out during his episode

This is emotional abuse, and you've described it as your current situation, and that's why people are referring to current abuse that you seem so involved in that you can't see it for what it is.

You clearly are in denial. If you were happy in your relationship, you wouldn't be seeing a counsellor, and you wouldn't be posting here looking for external validation. You would have both, as a couple who are supportive to each other, said, 'Hang on, that didn't feel good', and got another counsellor. If you were happy in your relationship, your partner and the therapist being in agreement about what your behaviour amounts to, you wouldn't have a problem with it, because you'd be happy that their assessment of you fitted with your assessment of you. You are telling us that the counsellor speaks against you, and your partner uses that when he says hurtful things to you. If that's genuinely making you feel happy with your relationship, why are you posting? You can't claim that your partner's view on it isn't part of what's worrying you, because you've said that it is.

So your partner is unable to deal with normal day to day stuff because this triggers flight or flight. (Whole nightmare there). So you walk on eggshells because you fear his illogical response. You have all sorts of reasons why life is better with him - how exactly is this different to remaining with an abuser? I had children with mine and complicated finances. What is stopping you from leaving?

Read up on trauma bonding and in future you'll see it explains what you've written here.

I used to make loads of excuses for mine.