Honest opinion please, counsellor called me manipulative

[Purpleraiin]

My partner has been diagnosed with a form of BPD known as emotionally unstable personality disorder and also emotional dysregulation. This had caused regular blow ups, him switching into a total different person during the blow ups and him packing and leaving every single time. Then comes back once he's switched back himself. I'm fine with this and have accepted it and support him, he receives help and his switching is getting less frequent and less nasty.

When he switches communication is difficult, he hears me say things I've not actually said, puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, or tells me about all these fellings/issues that have built up and are now coming out during his episode. To me the natural response when someone tells you how they feel is to ask questions. Why do you feel like this, how long have you felt like it, what can I do to help help that? Etc.....so that is my response. It rarely gets me anywhere as he goes from 0-100 within minutes so my questions fall on deaf ears and he leaves anyway until his episode is over.

We decided couples counselling was our way forward, hoping to help my partner learn ways to communicate with me before he switches and during a switch and for me to learn what I can do to not trigger him and to help when it reaches boiling point. I explained to the counsellor I ask questions when he throws around these accusations or feelings and i ask so I can understand why he feels that way, if its something I've done to trigger those feelings and what I can do to help. The counsellor told me I am manipulative for doing this. I couldn't understand how that makes me manipulative so I asked her for an explanation and she actually couldn't give me one and moved On from the subject.

My partner is just coming out of another episode so isn't fully back to the reasonable and nice version of himself, so he has now lapped up me being called manipulative by a counsellor, and for him it has validated what I believe to be unreasonable thoughts about me which he gets during every episode. He himself will take back these thoughts once he's out of the episode and admit I'm not the problem, it's him and his mental health and not being able to manage issues without being triggered. I've asked his thoughts Om the manipulative comment and he says he agrees although he wouldn't have used the word manipulative. His words were ' I think it's more controlling than manipulative. You like to be in control of the situation. You don't like it when things don't go your way so you fire away with the questions.'

I am genuinely confused how asking questions about an issue that's been put to me by my partner is either manipulative or controlling. This is making me doubt myself now so I really need other people's opinions as i darednt question it any further with my partner through worry that will also be seen as controlling.....as far as he's concerned he is absolutely right because the counsellor has validated his thoughts with the manipulative comment.

May be worth mentioning I saw this counsellor by myself before bringing him along to the sessions. Her opinion of me when alone was the total opposite to her opinion when attending as a couple, and she said alot that contradicted herself from my sessions alone. I also have other issues towards her that have come up during our joint session but I don't know if I am being over sensitive tbh

Your ex was not too dissimilar either ie abusive and it appears you’ve jumped from one abusive relationship into another one. It’s a depressingly common scenario.

He’s using this diagnosis as a stick to further beat you with, you are really on a hiding to nothing with him in counselling. If a psychiatrist diagnosed him why has he seemingly not considered any further sessions with this person?. Why see a counsellor anyway?. This current counsellor needs to be dumped now as well as your bf but you seem determined to learn the hard way.

I think you need to also ask yourself what needs of yours are being met here in this relationship.

Abuse is NOT a relationship issue and nor should you be acting here as some sort of rescuer and or saviour. May I ask how old you are?.

You shouldn’t see the same councillor for personal and couples issues. They should know this!!!

I'm not tolerating anything. He has a mental health condition that I chose to support him with. During his episodes we stay away from each other and he leaves the house and stays elsewhere so as not to inflict the destruction of his episodes on me. He's now In treatment which Is doing it's Job. The only problem we are left with is me learning how to communicate a problem without it being triggering, and him learning how to respond without jumping on the defense.

That's where the counsellor came in to it and she's actually now made us take a step back thanks to saying I'm manipulative. This has made me now doubt myself because it has come from a professional, and its also of course made the person who has BPD full of doubt .

Relationships should not be this much hard work. He is abusing you. You can’t fix him. Why do you think you should be greatful he is starting to mange to behave like a normal person sometimes. You will be walking on eggshells constantly as he is saying you trigger him. Surely you are worth more than this. This doesn’t need to be your life.

You don’t need to live this way hun . There are men out there and ho will love you without teh added issues .please consider it hat living with someone with such serious issues will do to your life , before you have kids or get married

Are there kids witnessing any of this?

The time you are wasting on this relationship is absolutely tragic.

And I completely agree with this, which is why we have not take part in counselling together until that was under control.

There was verbal abuse throughout the relationship whenever an episode was starting to kick off. I chose to stay and together we learnt how to manage that so we could keep the relationship but without me being on the end of his episode. We got that figured out, got him plenty of counselling, anger managnent, psychiatrist, diagnosis, steps programme, more psychiatrist, now awaiting further treatment plan. There has been no abuse now for over a year since the anger management. So we've held out for over a year and decided now was the right time to go into joint counselling to help us with the final step

This guy blows up and leaves you regularly, but your counsellor made a sarcy comment?

You know where your problem lies, and it isn't with anyone outside your relationship.

There was verbal abuse throughout the relationship whenever an episode was starting to kick off. I chose to stay and together we learnt how to manage that

His abuse is not for you to manage. All you're doing is enabling him for it to start all over again, which it will.

what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

Ask yourself why you chose to stay. Your boundaries here, already skewed by an ex gaslighting you, are being further eroded by this man now.

There is no final step and you cannot fix him. You will be in this cycle re him for the rest of your days if you do not get off this merry go around. He has a problem with anger, YOUR anger, when you rightly call him out on his unreasonable behaviour. That’s also why he walks off.

There's no reason I need to no. I stay because I want to. I won't lie, it was horrible at times to begin with before there was a digsnosis or any kind of help. I made the decision to stand by him and support him while he got that sorted, we learnt to make adjustments to our relationship so that I was not impacted negatively by his switching and found found ways to make it work well foe the both of us in the end.

I know plenty of people are saying leave but that's not evan on the table. If the help available wasn't working and we couldn't make adjustments previously to keep me out of the crossfire then I would have left yes. People may as well say that any one with a mental health problem should just stay alone. I love my partner, I love my relationship, he brings a lot to the table and we are both happy and supportive of each other. We have this one last hurdle to deal with in regards to communication which a decent counsellor should be able to help us with. My problem does not lie with my relationship, it lies with the counsellor making me doubt myself, and the potential damage she could have caused by calling me manipulative in front of someone who has BPD, with traits she is aware of that could have been set off by that one comment.

Your trust has been undermined in that counsellor with those appointments cock-ups (hers).

This unfortunately mirrors what's going on in your relationships (your partner saying things and then saying it's you who got it wrong, picked up things wrong etc).

If I was going for couples counselling I wouldn't go to the same therapist as the one who seems me alone.

Your therapist is not the right person for you. At the very least, there should be absolute clarity over the appointment times.

She's literally 'not been there' for you several times.

My abusive ex and I went to Relate , my ex and the counsellor (male) ended up going for a beer together. Dreadful organisation

This counsellor sounds AWFUL- really, really harmful. As pp have said- in the first instance she should never have agreed to see you as a couple after seeing you individually. The incident with the appointments also shows her to be very unprofessional. And using a pejorative word like manipulative to describe your behaviour in response to your partner's episodes is extremely harmful- as you've described, it's now fuelling his distorted perceptions and has undone progress. I would go back for one more session, ask her again to explain (in front of your partner) exactly why she said that and explain the impact it's had. And complain about her formally.

I do feel like I'm going bloody mad! She's really made me doubt myself and made me take a series look at all past episodes to think if there's something I did. It's annoyed me more that I asked her to explain herself and she wouldn't then changed the subject.

She shut me down multiple times as well. It was our first session together after me attending alone for 3 with her. We got there and she made it clear she would keep the session about my partner this once so she could play catch up On his side of things and that was fine with Me.
3 times she asked me a question which I began to answer then half way through i would get something along the lines of ' purple, I'm going to stop you there, I did tell you at the beginning this session would be for me to hear from Mr purple, not you. I've already heard from you during our sessions alone so this one needs to be about Mr purple.' I'm obviously just sat there thinking wtf, you asked me the bloody questions!!!! I reached the point where i sat in silence and stopped answering her if she asked me anything. That's not the only crap she pulled in that hour, there's other things as well that have peed me off!

Well that's quite an eye opener! I know obviously a lot of people go into the profession after having difficulties of their own but if you're not capable of managing them you certainly shouldn't be trying to manage someone else's.

Honestly I stay with him because I am happy 😊 I'm not the kind to settle for the sake of it, I've known him as a friend before the relationship so knew what I was getting into and I don't feel in the slightest like I've been his rehab centre. I've been there for the moral support, we've both worked together before he had professional help in place to make sure I am not impacted and that's as far as my rehab goes. We both know I cannot fix him so we've not even tried. He was in denial at first but since accepting he has a problem he's done nothing but be proactive about sorting his help himself and has been fully engaged and took up everything that has been offered to him and there has been nothing but progress as the time has gone On. I know its not for everyone though 😊

Thank you that's really nice to say 😊
He appreciates every last bit of support I have offered, and has pulled his weight himself in terms of helping himself.

He wants to be better, accepts his problems and knows full well what his faults are and he's really doing everything possible to make them right/get them under control.

A simpler life did seem like a nice idea when we were going through the hardest part, but I'm so glad i stuck around and wouldn't have it any other way. Thank you for your kind words though, that means a lot for someone to say, especially a stranger 😊

I don't listen to them no, but myself and my partner are looking into everything possible self help wise now he's through the worst of it so thank you, will take a look at your link with him later on 😊

Hi Purpleraiin :) The situation sounds challenging and I respect your wish to try to remain in the relationship. Lots of people may not understand why, but at the end of the day, it’s your choice, your decision and no one else’s. From what I’m understanding (may be wrong here), the communication issues kick off when your partner has been triggered? Is that right? If so, perhaps look at whether there’s a pattern of triggers which either of you have noticed-so some strategies to ‘ward off’ switches (potentially) can be developed re: a safety plan. For example, if either of you are feeling uncomfortable about something, how about making 2 coloured handheld paddles (like ping pong bats).- one yellow one which when raised, means ‘I’m getting agitated/heightened. Please back off’ and the other a red one: Indicating a definite ‘I need space right now.’ (The caveat being that if you deem there to be a risk of him using the paddles to hit you/threaten you, then avoid this idea of course).

Asking someone who has been triggered/ and who is or has, switched, might not be an appropriate approach for them at that time. It doesn’t sound from what you’ve written that you’re being manipulative, merely trying to get an understanding of what was going on for your partner in the moment? Can you give him some space though, instead of asking questions maybe, in case he finds the questions intrusive/overwhelming at the time? Keeping yourself safe is also extremely important too of course. You’re not his therapist, you’re his partner. Has his psychiatrist provided emergency contact details - like a phone tree-you or he can reach out when he’s experiencing an episode? You shouldn’t have to work through that on your own with him…

Also, I second changing therapist. In fact, I don’t think a generic Counsellor is an appropriate fit, given your partner’s diagnosis. It takes specialist knowledge and training. Sounds like she was gaslighting you also re: appointment times, which is not good/appropriate. A positive therapeutic alliance is essential between client and therapist re: trust, rapport, respect. I’d move on from them - but of course, it’s your decision to make.

What you’re doing to support your partner is no easy task. It’s brave and hard work. Please don’t forget to engage in lots of self-care too hey? Hugs 🤗

We have this one last hurdle to deal with

That he is still being abusive towards you.

made me take a series look at all past episodes to think if there's something I did

You are vulnerable. You need to understand that none of what's happening is going to ultimately lead you to a happy life.

An abusive partner and a manipulative counsellor are not people you should be 'figuring things out with', they are people to walk away from, in order to make space in your life for people who respect you, and treat you in a way that makes you feel trust that they would never hurt you.

Where did you learn to dismiss your feelings, @Purpleraiin ? What was your childhood like? Did you feel loved, respected, listened to, when you had emotional upsets? Did your parents teach you that you need to put your feelings first in life? Or did one or both of them have something else on their plate, like illness, addiction, or a demanding sibling? Did they argue and fall out a lot, but stay together, giving you the example that that was how to do 'relationships'?

The only person making me feel bad is the counsellor....i don't have to have her or my partner. I'd like my partner though and would also like a counsellor who doesn't make me feel shit. I have no doubts on my relationship, only on the counsellors opinion of me

I think you have been incredibly kind and understanding of his disorder, his behaviour would spell the end of the relationship for most people. Sounds like the counsellor is absolutely appalling.

The only person making me feel bad is the counsellor

How do you feel when your partner puts words in my mouth, accuses me of things, then dismisses your attempts to resolve the issue?

If you're happy with it, you have a problem.

If you're unhappy with it, then the counsellor isn't the only person making you feel bad.

This sounds like the wrong professional to help as you need someone that understands his BPD that can guide you both how best to communicate and deal with common areas that are causing issues as it won't be same as in a typical relationship.

Counsellor sounds awful to use such strong terms like manipulative and yet not be able to explain why especially when she already knows you. The way she gaslit & blamed you about the appointments when she must have known she writes out the cards to give to you and most people would've wanted to double check what they'd written before casting blame in case it was own error but was no doubt in her mind.

BACP counselors don't just do a short college course & then let loose on clients. From what I've gathered from ones I know, they also have to complete many hours in therapy themselves so that their own issues don't impact client work and volunteer so that they are overseen before going solo. They all should be under what's called supervision so that they have someone to discuss confidential client cases with to offload their own feelings and get advise on how to deal with situations if unsure.

It's understandable that own MH/trauma issues lead to an interest in psychology & therapy to try fix yourself and then have desire to help others like their own therapists did. This can mean they are more understanding & compassionate as can relate to clients experiences, but is also why they must complete own therapy first. I don't think the crap counsellors necessarily alway always those that have faced own MH issues as it also attracts people with saviour complex, who get to be right & feel good giving advice. Some listen but don't really hear nor able to help client to pick apart the situation to work out what's actually going on so that they can resolve it.

He does have another sessions coming up soon. Me joining him with that was something we actually discussed last night after the horrific counselling session. we aren't sure yet If I'd be allowed but do plan to call then and check.
It was actually one of the people he's currently getting help from that suggested the couples counselling. The counsellor we chose has alot of qualifications, good reviews and supposedly one of her specialities is BPD 🤦🏻‍♀️ can't see it myself though!