Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

Hi @FlowerPowe23
I remember Different Together been started.
Were you on the MN threads then (we were hidden then)?

@Loubelle70 @BustyLaRoux
dh and dc2 do that.

Its like they assume that I somehow know whatever has been happening in their mind so they jump from one thing to the next wo giving me the link and I’m 😵‍💫😵‍💫🤪
As I understand, this is very much a ASD behaviour.

@ADuckSoSmall its so hard isn’t it?

From your description, it sounds like your dh is masking well at work so it all works out.
But at home, with the addition of the dcs, it’s simply too much and the mask slips

My dh has always been ‘a good father’. In that he has a sense of duty that is strong. So he has always done stuff with the dcs. But the emotional connexion isn’t there. He is missing stuff (all the unspoken or age related things - no a 4yo can’t go on a day long walk in the middle of winter) and can be quite judgemental.

@ADuckSoSmall my DH also does the thing where on the rare occasions he comes to social events, or even just the park with our DC, he just sits off to one side, away from the rest of us, staring into the middle distance. At home I often find him lying in the sofa just staring at the ceiling with an utterly a blank look on his face. I call this ‘screensaver mode’. It’s like his whole self has powered down and gone on standby.

Hi @ADuckSoSmall yes these sound very much like ASD -

• Gym, special interest where he feels relaxed and energised
• Spontaneity - may be a difference in time perception, lack of planning a difficulty with executive function or poor theory of mind to know that you'd want him to take on this task
• Poor communication potentially also alexithymia which is often co morbid w ASD, which is where someone struggles to identify their feelings, and so struggles to have a conversation about them
• Routine - difficulty with change, common in ASD
• Interruption - see monotropism a tendency to focus narrowly on a small area missing 'bigger picture' inputs
• Eye contact, not liking small talk with unknown others, all very common within ASD due to challenges w social communication, like not understanding non-verbal cues and having to use cognitive brain (rather than unconscious brain in these situations)

What would happen if you emailed him some links about ASD? To give time to process?

(Am a regular here but name changed)

Screen saver mode is such a great description, I'm pinching this!

Hello, I've been reading these threads for a while. I have recently divorced from my ASD husband. Sadly, I did not feel I could leave until my youngest was 16 as my ex has no common sense and cannot be relied upon in an emergency. Eg: if he starts to write a work email he will continue with it and finish it, even if a child falls down the stairs or a fire starts in the kitchen. (Not an exaggeration.) I'm sure this focus can be a great asset in arts/science/business but it is disastrous when parenting and I feared that he would have insisted on shared custody.

We had two happy years, when he was either masking or the 'in love' hormones made him a different person. Since then, I have endured a marriage with lots of weird unsettling moods, conflict, sulking, storming off and general absence.

Looking back now I see that he used me as an emotional punchbag when he was stressed. Where other men might go for a run, he blew up at me in order to calm himself down.

My two children both have ASD and we talk a lot about mitigating stress and anxiety through vigorous exercise, being in nature, having fun, meditation etc. I'm actually really hopeful that they can be better partners.

My ex never apologised ever (even if he dropped a le creuset pan lid on my foot!!) and he could never collaborate or discuss anything in a harmonious way. I learnt early on that a friendly request for help or a small hint about how to do something would be taken as a vicious attack! So I gradually withdrew more and more and stopped asking for help with anything.

He preferred it when my mood was calm and he did everything in his power to keep my mood flat. So if I ever said I was tired or a little bit cross about something, he would reply with really cutting words, or storm off in a rage, with the convenient result that I learnt not to make any demands at all. Even worse, if I was too happy and upbeat - after being with a friend for example - he would be critical or mean to unsettle me.

I was confused and unhappy for a long time, but in the last ten years I have kept sane by disengaging emotionally and planning my escape.

So I am now divorced and I feel so relieved that it's all over. I feel a huge weight off my shoulders and my aches and pains have gone. It's my belief that he put his stress onto me and I hope it has not damaged my health as I'm sure we are not designed to carry a double load.

I wish all of you the very best and if you are not happy in your 'relationship' I encourage you to leave if you possibly can.

Sorry. That was far too long!!

I want to thank all of you who contribute so honestly to these threads as I have found them a great support.

My hope is for a future where our ASD children can say openly, I'm going to go into 'screen saver mode' or I've got to go for a run rather than attacking their partners.

@Kerryoh were you married to my ex? 😉 All of those things....i had them too. Disengaging...not communicating.. always wanting no emotion from me...he wanted someone to mirror him.. and yes relied on me to regulate him ..i was exhausted. I was always de escalating ex and our grandkids...he would act like a child and argue with the grandchildren...he never kissed or cuddled them...he never cleaned or cooked...he never did diy , decorating, emotional invisible labour, planning anything, never planned a date in 25 years etc, i did it all. Id had enough. I finished relationship 4 years ago. However he would organise to meet up with his friend!

But tbh, i have cptsd from it all...im still suffering, on edge, nervous and walk on eggshells even though im out of situation, but i feel free.
Sorry you went through this.

Hi @SpecialMangeTout
No I didn’t even know the MN threads existed.
It’s been a few years since Different Together ended. There is a Facebook group but not quite the same.

@Daftasabroom I hope you’re monitoring to set up the next thread, I’m almost 69 now and can’t remember how to do it! I check in every day though and take huge comfort from knowing that I’m not alone. I’ve been here since the very first thread, and was also on the Different Together forum that a couple of recent posters have mentioned. Love and strength to all of us x

@Loubelle70 Sounds like we have had very similar lives. i'm so sorry that you have cptsd. I am lucky in that I have always had two close friends that I have been able to confide in, but I have not had therapy yet. I would like to have therapy - partly because I don't want to overwhelm my friends - but don't know where to look for it. Have you sought help for your cptsd?

Thankyou. Im so glad you had friends to support you ♥️. Sadly i didnt but tbh i was just too busy doing for everyone whereas i didn't have time to maintain any friendships at the time..i do now though 😉. New friends and better life.
I haven't had therapy, i know i need to but i know its going to be lengthy 🤣 and affording it is another story.
On the positive... thankfully i have a good sense humour, so see the funny in dark, so its helped me at times 😁.
Thankyou for replying and i hope we can get to therapy real soon xx

Yeah I don't want to spend money on therapy and I don't even know where I would look for it. But I am also trying to spend more time with friends and having fun. I am also laughing about it all now!! Good luck to all of us xx

April Anderson has a website and a podcast about her ASD marriage and I have found that therapeutic.

Oooo i will look on my podcast app. Thankyou! @Kerryoh

@Bluebellforest1 patience!

😂

@Bluebellforest1 yikes id better get on it, busy day.

New thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5029021-married-to-someone-with-aspergersasd-support-thread-10?reply=133779196

Not married but living together - early 20s. He is actually very good at physical comfort and basic emotional comfort but has kind of a surveillance attitude to the people around him in terms of emotions. I'm worried that if we have kids they will feel like they can't express their emotions around him as that is the atmosphere at his parents place. Any advice?

@ThisNiftyMintCat you should join us on the new thread (linked just above your post)
You’ll be welcome and up you’ll get more answers.

I just want to cry - can someone please give me a virtual hug? DH is generally an angry irritated person. He shows no affection and we haven’t had sex for about 2 years and only sporadically (months apart) before then. There’s no emotional connection on his side at all. If I don’t reach out for his hand, we’d never hold hands. And even then he will remove his hand a few seconds later. After a discussion, he will now give me a peck goodbye when he leaves the house and a peck goodnight. If I try to kiss him for longer, he withdraws. Our mouths barely touch. If I don’t try to kiss him ‘properly’ there is no kissing. He shows absolutely no interest in me at all. He barely looks up from his computer. If I do try to talk to him about something, he may or may not even reply. If I give my opinion on anything, I’m wrong and he tells me so, followed by ‘you just don’t like someone having a different opinion to you do you’. He goes to bed at 1am every night - I go to bed around 11- 11.30pm - I just can’t stay awake longer. He’s visibly bored on holidays and at weekends and just wants to get back to work.

Today I finally asked him if he doesn’t see me in that way and he says he’s sick and tired of being rebuffed and being told ‘not tonight’. I was so gobsmacked as that hasn’t actually happened. It’s a completely made up scenario in his head. I was actually speechless. He said if I don’t climb on top of you then nothing happens and I’m tired of it. Again - I don’t know what to say. He hasn’t actually done this. He’s never done this. This has never been our style of instigating it with each other.

I can’t obviously have any kind of sex life without ANY kindness or affection at all - and there isn’t any - but he hasn’t reached out to me for years and the last 6 times we have had sex, I’ve instigated it. He’s made zero (or even negative) effort. He is very clearly not interested. And hasn’t been for years. I’ve had my head in the sand but the fact he’s making up stories that he’s tried has just completely upset me. Because he really hasn’t. I feel totally unloveable and unattractive. Worse than that. I feel as if I’m disgusting and totally undesireable.