Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

This is what the thread's for!

@drumbeats I appreciate you're trying to help.

Our experience on this thread generally is that each of us has been in a long term partnership with our partner/spouse.

The difficulties of these relationships with our particular partner have led us to come to this thread, where a lot of us have similar experiences in common.

All of us, all, have tried very hard to make things work. Many of us are running on empty, after trying everything we can.

On this thread we have had some extremely helpful autistic posters. For me, the most helpful thing that has happened is that they have laid out their own particular experience of being in a relationship as then we can see things from their pov in a way that I can understand much better than from my ex-H. The most helpful posters have also shown really considerable insight as to the difficulties that neurodiversity/neurotypicality can bring.

We have also had some autistic posters - actually, quite a few - who come and try to offer advice. Often they mean it very well, but it doesn't come over well because it's generic advice and each of us on this thread is dealing with our particular individual partner.

Because it's happened very often, many of the people on this thread have run out of patience with being told the same thing thirty times over a couple of years by different people, when we've already tried that thing in the first place.

This is unfortunate as I can see that you're trying to be helpful, and also that sometimes people on this thread simply have already had enough.

What does help, as I say, is listening and empathizing and sometimes putting things from your own point of view, as long as it doesn't dominate the thread. You haven't, but some autistic posters in the past have done so, so I just wanted to mention it.

Oh and another reason that the ‘moaning and bashing’ posts are helpful to me is because I feel seen and heard. Something that dh simply can’t give me, regardless as to why he can’t.

i see the same sort of posts in groups where people with ME, esp severe and very severe, gather online.
The ‘moaning and bashing’ posts are about being seen and heard. Sharing an experience that most other people simply don’t get and never will.

That’s getting support too, emotional support. To get through a bad time.

@DancesWithDucks i agree with you.

I dint think any of us need theoretical explanation on what ASD is. Or any theoretical advice on what to do, even less so when that advice is clearly made with the assumption that we are not reacting or behaving well
(Not a comment on your posts @drumbeats. Just a general comment). Mainly because yes, we’ve all heard that many times before.

The lived experience, from either side, is imo much more powerful.

In part because it shows what those generalised, theoretical explanations can actually mean in RL (because to me, it’s nowhere near obvious).

In part because life is messy and one situation is never just the consequence if one thing - eg NOT he did this because if this aspect of autism BBut he did this is because of this aspect if autism AND a preservation mechanism due to trauma AND him being a twat.

@SpecialMangeTout Your post about coming on here and reading other people's 'moans' totally resonates with me.
I have cried so many times reading some posts thinking " It's not ME, I'm not mad"
Knowing that there are others out there going through similar scenarios has been a lifeline for me.

We don’t need to justify ourselves though, so we?

Drumbeats entire position is that this thread should exist solely for us to understand our ND partner.

The fact that we may want to use this thread to listen to and understand each other, is a concept which is absent to Drumbeats.

💐💐💐 Thank you all for the continuous support 💐💐💐

Absolutely this.

Dialledin exactly! I don’t mind clearing up a few crumbs! They’re children! Children make crumbs. I don’t mind them eating in the lounge either really. A bit annoying when good gets squished into the sofa. But it’s fine. It’s not a show home. What I mind is the hypocrisy! I clean up after his DC but he tells me off for it. Tells me they won’t learn if I do that. But the problem is if I do say “DS has left crumbs all over the table” he will (a) see it as criticism and bank it so he can find fault with my DC later on and (b) get angry with this DCand massively overreact and start shouting at them to come d clean up immediately. It’s horrible. I don’t mind clearing up a bit. I understand what he means about them not learning. But I don’t think shouting at them is the way to teach them. So mostly I just do it without saying anything as then no one gets shouted at! I just get a bit upset when he’s busy finding fault with my DC completely unaware that his own DC are just the same mess wise, if not actually quite a lot worse than mine!

Dialledin I really appreciate you replying thank you! How sad that you, a lovely chatty person, feel you need to be quiet so as not to annoy him. I love wittering on!!!! After the horrible shouting he did at me for daring to repeat myself we were thankfully able to talk and he said he understood that I am just wittering and this is just my way. I don’t mean anything by it. I’m not nagging. I’m not insinuating anything he has done wrong by saying something more than once. (Again the hypocrisy is astounding as my DP is not brief in any respect and will usually repeat himself multiple times as he loves the sound of his own voice!). Anyway he now accepts repetition is my norm and there is no criticism intended. Phew! So now he just laughs at me as says “are you wittering again!?” Which I much prefer to be being shouted at.

I am sad that you feel you can’t witter in your own house though. I don’t think I could get through the day without a good witter. I don’t even need anyone to listen!! Again though your need for chit chat is secondary to his need for quiet. Why can’t we be seen as equals?! Although the wittering dilemma has been addressed in our house I do feel like screaming sometimes that “I am actually your equal you know????”

Sigh.

And again thank you all so so much. Just being able to vent and have some understanding is really helpful. I feel so understood. You are all very lovely!

@YesThis you make such an important point.

I think we are have all been so conditioned in our relationships to placate and justify and bend over backwards to make sure that nobody feels upset by the fact that we have feelings, that we’ll do this even with the randoms who pop up to tell us we’re doing support all wrong. (And who may not even be autistic, but just one of the billions of random trolls of the internet who enjoy telling women to shut the fuck up and submit entirely to the needs and desires of people who matter).

Well this is all crushingly accurate! 25yrs in and I'm trying to work out who I am and what I want and how to play catch up to get it.

Yes!

Me too!

Sometimes just feeling I wasn't alone. Sometimes reading about things that I thought were just ex-H, only to discover that other people in this situation have exactly the same experience.

I don't have anyone in RL to talk to about any of this so this is my only safe space.
It really upsets me when someone comes along and tells me that my feelings and thoughts are somehow wrong. I choose to completely ignore them.
I have spent nearly 3 decades gaslighting myself into emotional submission.
I am only just now waking up to how much of myself has been lost or broken along the way.
I have a Wedding Day photo of us sitting on the mantle. I look at myself, so much hope and joy. If only she knew what it's all going to cost her😢

@Ohdostopwafflinggeremy 🫂🫂💐💐

Thanks@SpecialMangeTout
I really needed a hug today, and a good 'feeling sorry for myself' cry, and chocolate, lots and lots of chocolate 😏

Oh geremy .. heart breaks to hear you say that.

hug from me too.

Thanks @DancesWithDucks
💐

I hear you @Ohdostopwafflinggeremy

how much of myself has been lost or broken along the way so much this.

Hugs to you.

@Bunnyhair thank you for all the advice. I definitely need to take some time to think.

The thing is - if you've met one person with ASD you've met one person with ASD, but the opposite is also true. If you, as a person with ASD know one NT person, then you know one NT person. That is why it is so hard for ANYONE, on either side, to give actual advice. Advice isn't necessarily what is wanted, whilst somewhere to vent and someone to vent to, is.

On either side.

Ohdostopwafflinggeremy how sad. Sending hugs. Definitely get some chocolate. And wine. If that’s your thing! Xx

Advice isn't necessarily what is wanted, whilst somewhere to vent and someone to vent to, is.

totally agree!

The odd hint has been very useful but advice not so much.

(Sorry about advising! I think that may have been a rant in disguise though 😬)

rants in disguise are perfectly acceptable snickers

I don't bother with the disguise. Probably should, ahem.

I do wish I could let some of the events go and fade away into the past. It doesn't help that I can't just never see him again, what with having children.

If all of us could shed our disguises all of the time, how much better might all our lives be?

(A bit late for thoughts like that maybe?)