Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

I hope everyone is recovering well from yesterday. Such a difficult day for ASD relationships.

My DH actually pulled a nice day out of the bag. I think the therapy has spooked him. Also he walked in on me crying the other day and I wonder if he’s worried I want to end the marriage. He’s been extra nice to me lately. There have been periods like this before but they don’t seem to last. It’s hard to enjoy it for that reason.

I had a nice day but there were no moments of connection with DH. He did however set up a nice day for me and the kids. I guess I should be grateful for that as previous years have been shocking.

Thank you. I know everyone on here understands. It’s so very hard at times. Most of us, we know our place and the drill, the routine. But it’s on special occasion days that things feel so unbearable.

I was glad to read you had a better day. I do so hope it lasts for you.

@BlueTick

Sorry about your Mum and the fact your H did not give you the support you needed. It’s times like that, times when we can see so clearly how it would be different with a NT partner, that are so, well, lonely and so painful.

I’m glad your kids stepped up when you asked them too.

@Dialledin
glad to hear your H managed to put on a nice day.

How are you finding the therapy?

@Bunnyhair

And I know it’s a demand avoidance thing. But fuck me it feels shit that all I am to anyone close to me is a great big onerous demand made flesh

That’s shit. It really is. I’m so sorry.

I have learnt in life that ‘love is not enough’. It really isn’t and it now annoys me when well intentioned people with no clue say it is. It’s not enough for someone just to love. The recipient of that love actually does need it manifest through loving words and actions and behaviour.

Thank you @BlueTick It feels like the pressure is a lot on occasions because we don’t generally get what we need ordinarily. Particularly with my ex ASD partner, nothing he did was good enough. He was particularly bad at occasions. Even his small offerings weren’t enough because of how he was the rest of the time. There was a feeling that he should be making up for things. My current DH can switch it on spectacularly when he wants to but then that comes with sadness because he could have made my first Mothers Day special or the Mothers Day after I lost two pregnancies back to back special. Instead I was ignored.

The focus shift onto acts of service really resonated with me. It’s made me think about a lot of instances where he’s gone off and cleaned windows or the most ridiculous one where he cut thistles on the lawn with scissors because they are a nuisance mowing 🤦🏻‍♀️. All to avoid emotive conversations.

Thanks @YesThis We've still not had our couples session yet. I can’t help but feel DH is pulling out the stops because the counselling looming is making him more accountable. It’s just sad it has to come to this and I’m not convinced it’ll last.

Acts of Service. I find Acts of Service so confusing and then I end up resenting DH because of the Acts of Service. Then all the people on my life think I'm crazy because I am complaining about DH doing the housework

Whenever things get difficult between us (never more so than now), DH pulls out all the stops domestically. Totally takes over, in a forceful, clattering, obtrusive way. Totally misses the point about lack of connection - I think he thinks connection will come if I have longer to sit by myself and magic it up because he's doing the housework?!

It's the same whenever anything stressful happens. I've been packing the car for a two week holiday whilst wrangling and feeding and tidying up after excited kids, and when I eventually track him down he's leaf blowing the garden! 30 mins before a family holiday, when I've done all the prep and am frantically trying to get everything and everybody in the car, he decides to leaf blow the garden. Right.

But if you mention any of this frustration to anyone else, they think he's the bees knees for taking care of the housework and the garden. I just sound ungrateful and mad.

In retrospect, I think I’ve done that a lot.

Its also an easy way out for dh…..

I'm an Acts of Service person @UpsideDownside. But I thought it meant to anticipate or respond to what someone needs rather than doing any old chore in order to avoid conflict?

I'll take the kids out all day to give DP a rest, he doesn't need to ask. Or if he's tired and over stimulated I'll turn down the lights and TV and ask him if he wants a cup of tea.

“Totally takes over, in a forceful, clattering, obtrusive way. Totally misses the point about lack of connection - I think he thinks connection will come if I have longer to sit by myself and magic it up because he's doing the housework?!”

100% this!!

DH also has a habit of not being present when family turns up for lunch or Christmas Day for example, he’s out in the garden, tidying the shed (on Christmas Day?!?!) or he’s pruning a tree or cutting the grass.

Always looks so rude I feel, like jobs and chores are more interesting/important than my family. I know he just wants to get away and finds it all very dull but they’ve made the effort to come, I’ve made the effort to cook, so could he for once make the effort to look interested?

About Mothers Day yesterday he said, it’s just another day like any other. I can’t see why it’s special. I don’t understand special days. What’s all the fuss about. I hate my birthday I hate other people’s birthdays. It’s all such a waste of time.

Me: 😭

BlueTick that’s so sad. I’m sorry to hear that your DM passed away so recently. Of course MD was going to be a very hard day and it’s awful that your DH couldn’t give you what you need. I know there was a recent “discussion” on here when someone said but it’s not their fault and they do want a relationship but on their own terms etc. but in some cases it’s just not good enough. It’s upsetting and it feels cruel because it should be so fucking obvious that you need a hug and a hand hold and to feel loved. Not some hoovering! And if your partner isn’t able to do that then it’s crushing. And you have every right to feel that way.

Thank you @BustyLaRoux
It’s so sad. I told him yesterday how alone I feel but he gives off this air of defiance. Like he doesn’t care and it’s me going on and on.

He said it’s the same thing with you again and again, something is not right.

So I said well what is that then.

And he won’t answer. Silence. Just keeps eating, walks past me as I’m crying. I feel invisible.

I am so tired of this but grief means I’m stuck trying to process it all, plus menopause and an autoimmune condition.

I’ll be 50 next year and despite on paper “having it all” I feel pretty bleak.

id love to earn my own money and have a stand alone life without needing him.

But with health issues and permanently emotionally challenged kids who are always vulnerable and need regular emotional coaching and support due to lack of friends and self confidence issues I feel pretty broken.

my DD pointed out that in two years she might be gone to uni and it would just be DS and DH at home,

I might lose it. Not sure what life is about these days. Not sure how to define myself within any of this or outside it.

How do you start again at 50?

I’ve not worked for 20 years. DH I think knows I’m stuck and therefore treats me more shabbily than if I was successful and could leave.

As everyone says on here, I’m just so tired of it all.

Once my DM’s estate is wrapped up I will reconsider things.

Thank you for the kind words and understanding from the lovely posters and you on this thread. It is appreciated and nice to be reassured once again that what we ask for is not too much. It’s normal in our world.

Do you ever wonder if other people are happier?

Thank you 🙏
Yes the children made all the difference. They were so sweet. It’s good for them to know that some people really do want to be valued and appreciated in a certain way and that they learn how to do it.
I thanked them profusely so they know how much it meant.

I don't know what any official definition of Acts of Service really is, or tbh how you would tell any old chore from an Act of Service. Maybe it is in the intent of the do-er?

BlueTick I don’t know the answer but I can hear how deflated you sound and wonder if maybe you could try and emotionally detach from your DH. If that’s possible. Imagine that you actually did live without him. How would you have managed the grief on Mothers Day? In essence him ignoring you is the same as him not physically being there. Is it possible to get into a mindset where you don’t need emotional
support or any support other than practical support from him, as if you did indeed live alone? Set yourself free from the disappointment of not getting what you need by imagining you’re free of him, if not in real terms then in your mind. So that you cease to need anything from him?

@BlueTick

That's all so awful. I know how you feel though. And when you are giving so much to your kids, but then have no-one to give to you. Its really, really hard. I have times of bleak thoughts like yours.

Do you think you can rethink when your mum's estate is finalised? Could you get a free hour with a solicitor to see what you could get in a divorce? Do you get any benefits due to your condition or could you apply for these to see what you could get?

I have a friend who reckons she has the ' right level of disability', its enough to get benefits and not be pressurised by the Job Centre to work, but not so bad she can't still get out and do stuff.

If you are able and want to work, there are employment schemes aimed at 'economically inactive' people (the technical term for your situation) , you could ask at your council. These schemes usually give a mentor to support you, offer free training and qualifications etc, support with job applications. Some of the mentors and schemes are really good.

Omg @UpsideDownside this is exactly what I’m dealing with. My friends all think DH is great because he does so much and is hands on. The problem is I’m convinced he does domestic tasks to self regulate and avoid me if there’s any issues. Trying to leave the house is also for us a time when he disappears and will be doing something random. He can be super organised with making sandwiches and packing bags but when it comes to leaving and the kids are excited he can’t cope. The amount of arguments we’ve had about this. I’ve felt like you I’ve been abandoned. When it’s after a discussion about lack of connection and he’s got overwhelmed only to disappear it’s so ironic. I’ve sat there many times feeling so much worse.

@PictureFrameWindow those are such lovely things to do for your partner. It’s so misplaced when they do such random things and think it’s helping when actually it’s avoidance.

Oh no @BlueTick that's horrible. I guess he just cannot see why people celebrate occasions. It’s that theory of mind ASD stuff. So sad for you though.

He could at least try and be there when you have guests arrive. My DH is a bit like this. So frustrating.

@BlueTick 100% think you can start again at 50. It happens all the time and many people find themselves in this position. I do wonder if other people are happier. Yesterday I saw lots of couples who looked loved up and felt pangs of jealousy. I guess me and DH looked like that just a few years ago and things can change for any couple. NT couples break up too.

I wonder if detaching emotionally and getting on with your plan will help. He shouldn’t get to spoil any more of your life. It’s awful he treats to worse because you’re reliant on him. I sense times are changing and you will leave if that’s what you want. When you feel down just focus on that plan.

Do you ever wonder if other people are happier?

I know they are! It gives me a massive sense of disconnect between me and other people.

I know how they feel. I used to feel like them.

@BlueTick I dint quite know the answer but this is where I am - I’m hoping that maybe it will help you.

Im 53yo this year, can’t work and never will be able to again (gosh, that is hard to write….).
The first thing I’ve done when I packed everything work wise was to organise benefits. It took about a year to sort it all out but between PIP and ESA, but I now have an ‘income’ of some sort.

I also stepped back massively. This is something I have wanted to do for a while because I was getting hurt so many times. Death by a 100 cuts.
It took me some time, some counselling but I’ve detached a lot from dh behaviour. We still occasionally have some flash points but overall it works well. And at the very least, whatever tension/stress dh is experiencing isn’t ‘mine’ iyswim so I can look at it wo feeling I have to be involved/rescue/it’s somehow my fault.
So dh is probably quite content in the situation. He does what he wants. There is hardly any pressure on him to do anything he doesn’t want (PDA). The dcs have both left home so no pressure there either (big flashing point for dh).

For me however, it has highlighted that we are barely housemates.
Once the drama from me feeling hurt, him not listening to my needs, me emoting at him, me trying to get some sort of input/attention from him, …., once that drama disappeared, there is … not a lot left really 😢😢

So my next step is to get (slowly!) organised to leave. What’s the point of continuing what is essentially a lie?? Or at least a lie for me. It’s not what I expect from a marriage or companionship. The only thing it’s giving me just now is financial stability.
But it brought back home how running around trying to make it work was basically a nice distraction technique on my side to avoid facing the reality. That what I’m expecting from life/marriage is not what dh expects or can give me. The grief is still there. Massive. It ebbs and flows. But it’s slowly receding into the background.

And to come back to your question, can you start again your 50s? That will be an empathetic YES. Yes I do believe that you can. Even in harder circumstances like not having worked/being unable to work.
Maybe not as ‘nicely’ as if you were married. Maybe not a as nice house. But happiness and contentment is worth it imo.

@SpecialMangeTout youre amazing! It must have taken great strength to get to this point. I really hope soon you can leave and start again. You deserve a new fulfilling life!