Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD: support thread 9

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to understand the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

Link to old thread

All the things we try/tried to ‘do’ to ‘help.’

I read this earlier:

I didn’t cause it
I can’t control it
I can’t cure it
I won’t change it.

Wish I had read it years ago.

I am finally learning to detach, only be where I am valued, take up my space and help myself.

@organictomatoes the best and saddest advice I ever got was " lower your expectations".

@organictomatoes I think your last post is really helpful as a mantra for anyone in an ND one. In my last relationship I totally thought it was my fault. It destroyed my physical and mental health. My ex seemed to enjoy the power my decline gave him. If I was well, positive and up he would reward me. If I was unwell, stressed or something was wrong he would punish me with stonewalling and lack of interest. That in itself exacerbated my health issues. He was ASD but also had NPD traits. I thought any issues I had were a burden and needed to be hidden. It wasn’t my fault of course. There was nothing I could do but to get out. This I did when he cruelly abandoned me.

With my current partner he’s ASD but his avoidance isn’t a punishment. He doesn’t know he’s doing it half the time. I still can’t control it and it’s definitely not my fault. I found your post helpful because it’s made me wonder if I’m repeating past patterns and blaming myself again. I’ve had a period of feeling very down with the situation and I’m trying to feel better. You post helped!

If all of us could shed our disguises all of the time, how much better might all our lives be?

Life might be quite a lot more lively :D

Mostly it would be a good thing.

Thinking about it ..

Have to admit that when the children have been challenging (both ND) then I've consciously taken a breath in, imagined fixing a calm mask over my face and then acting with reason and gentleness, instead of shrieking like a harpy. Which has been what I've wanted to do, at times!

More and more I wonder if I'm ND myself. I'd love an assessment but been told it's not possible as there's no one who remembers me as a child any more, and there's been a lot of trauma in early life which muddies the water. Then more from the marriage, unhelpfully.

“If I was well, positive and up he would reward me. If I was unwell, stressed or something was wrong he would punish me with stonewalling and lack of interest.”

The parallels here are spooky. I wasn’t allowed to be sad or stressed or tired by XDP. It sent him into a tailspin about how my negative mood was affecting him. He needed me to mask my emotions like I would do for my child. I never knew why. He didn’t either presumably. But I was not allowed to be less happy than a Butlins redcoat. I’d have to spend up to a week making up for it.

This is a support group. We hear others’ stories and feel more certain we are/have been actually entitled to our feelings when we suspected our current or former partners harmed us.

I am so comforted by this group.

That does not make me someone who wishes to identify victim and who comes here to blame others. I am working on autonomy, self reflection, the behaviours I enabled with my own behaviours and on forgiveness.

But hearing stories so like mine makes me realise my instincts that I was being treated badly were correct. I wasn’t going mad.

@organictomatoes yes some definite parallels. It’s horrible having to put on a front when you’re down. I had a prolapsed disc in my back. I hid the pain for nearly a week until I nearly collapsed when we were out. He called a taxi and told me I should have been open with him. What followed was three months of hell where I could barely walk or sleep and was being ignored. He wouldn’t even make me a cup of tea. I had to hobble to the kitchen and cook for him most nights too. I have no idea why I did it now.

At the time I had no idea why he was like this but I thought I loved him so I think that’s why I stayed. I just hoped he’d realise and change. Towards the end I realised he was ASD but very emotionally manipulative with it. If I ever cried because he’d done something to upset he’d blame me and say I was doing it to myself.

How long ago was this relationship for you? I hope you’re on the road to recovery. It’s so hard existing like that with someone and I found it took a long while to recover.

My DH was diagnosed in his 60's. There was literally no-one around who had known him as a child. He's also grown up with trauma and had more as an adult. His consultant psychiatrist was fine with diagnosing him based on his own interactions with DH and my input. It might be worth pushing a bit further to see if someone is happy to do an ADOS and/or dx based on your presentation now.

I'd recommend our psychiatrist but the travel to Australia might be a bit much. ;)

oh, a trip to Australia would be just fine, as long as I can plan a holiday around it! :D

I think I will try again, then. Thanks.

it's one of those things; it's as clear as the sky that ex-H is autistic, and while he refuses to go for a diagnosis, the childrens' very experienced assessor thinks he's autistic, the autism support worker think he's autistic, his friends, me and even his mum think he's autistic.

But that doesn't mean I'm necessarily NT either, and there are a number of things in our oldest that look unnervingly familiar. Plus, reading things here and elsewhere, they look distinctly familiar too.

I’m having my first therapy session today! Not the first time I have done counselling, but the first time since I realised just how bad my childhood was and the lasting effect it’s had on me.

I regret that I have chosen a DP who is ASD. I had no idea when we got together. I’d known him for a few years as a friend and I didn’t see it. Although now I know a lot more about ASD I can see the signs were there. I feel like ASD has blighted my life in so many ways and I feel perhaps irrationally angry at ASD itself, rather than any individual who is ASD. (Although actually I am fairly angry with my DF but that’s mainly because he continues to be so awful periodically to me and my DB!)

Anyway I should probably have chosen more wisely and not ignored the signs (a few people we know have wondered aloud to me whether he is a narcissist, hence much interest from me in the whole ASD vs NPD discussion!) But I do love him and mostly things are good. It’s just when they’re bad it is awful!!!! And it’s his fault. I know it’s his fault. He is horrible to me. But of course it would be difficult to get him to see that. So I have to find a way to protect myself. I am hoping therapy will help me to do that. Amongst other things! I do want to make this relationship as good as it can be. When it’s good (which is often) it is really really good. And I want to let some of this resentment go towards my DF as it doesn’t do me any good. My sDS is very like my DF and I find it difficult to be around him. Which is unfair.

So yes, wish me luck! I’m hoping today will be the start of a journey of acceptance and self preservation! 😀

Good luck @BustyLaRoux You know there are things that are very attractive about ASD people in my experience. My DH is my second ASD partner and I didn’t know with either of them in the beginning. I’ve wracked my brains to try and find out why I didn’t see the signs second time around. The truth is both are very intelligent people. I liked being able to talk on an intellectual level and be understood. Both were actually very good at masking the emotional stuff early on so both times thought I’d found the perfect guy. My ex I feel had narcissistic traits too and very little empathy. My DH has a lot of empathy just can’t express it well. They are actually very different but the initial attraction was for similar reasons. Try not to beat yourself up. You clearly love your partner so there are many reasons why you were attracted to him. You couldn’t have known he had ASD because it’s so different each time. I think it’s totally understandable to feel mad at ASD when it’s caused you so much pain so don’t feel bad.

It is perfectly possible for someone to be both autistic and narcissistic and in my experience it is more common with very 'high-functioning' autism. The staggering lack of self-awareness is often evident in both cases, especially around the absence of emotional reciprocation.

@SquirrelSoShiny this was my ex partner. I had hypnotherapy after we split up and my therapist said it was like working with someone who’d been subjected to narcissistic abuse.

@Cloudwatching57 man speaking. DP's ex and kid were on the spectrum, and I'd say your DH shows all the signs. Sensory difference - lack of emotional intelligence - no need for friends. Does he also have very fixed routines, get stressed about changes, esp unexpected ones? DP's ex - before they married - was affectionate, loving: Because he understood that's what was needed to get a wife. Then he stopped. No physical contact unless he wanted sex, sex was only for making babies. Sound familiar? Can't offer any easy answers - it's the way he is. Kids can get help but really it's about training them to respond in expected ways, doesn't mean that they mean or feel what they are saying or doing. Because they're likely to want fixed routines, try making his routine one that suits you (may be easier if he can be persuaded that these things were his idea).

@BustyLaRoux good luck, I really hope it helps.

@Bunnyhair I think where I struggle is I would like more clarity, so I need some notice when meeting up or more comms. So many of you are married but I'm just dating. It's hard to tell whether the lack of planning or sparse comms is due to being ND or just being uninterested. In person, it's far better. It feels like I'm the one doing the organising and planning whilst they float.

I've taken the approach to be much more direct in my requirements but at some point, I'm going to feel like I'm flogging a dead horse so to speak. I think I need to be ok with walking away if nothing changes.

@Realdeal1 how often are you seeing him? What is a typical week like in terms of comms and seeing him?

@Realdeal1 this is a tough one. In my experience, in the early days DH was totally on it in terms of planning things and being in contact (bc I was his special interest). I think if he had been then the way he is now, the relationship would not have gotten off the ground, because, like you, I would have found it confusing that someone who seemed to like me was not in touch very often and didn’t make plans.

Think of it this way: what if it doesn’t matter whether he’s uninterested or just not able to keep in touch because of ND reasons? What does it feel like to you that you don’t hear from him until the last minute? If it feels like shit, that’s a really important thing to recognise. Because that may not change, and you matter too.

Think of it this way: what if it doesn’t matter whether he’s uninterested or just not able to keep in touch because of ND reasons? What does it feel like to you that you don’t hear from him until the last minute? If it feels like shit, that’s a really important thing to recognise. Because that may not change, and you matter too.

I agree there.
It’s very easy to fall into the ‘yes but that’s because of ND so I need to give some slack’.
And there is a place for that. No disputing that.
But at the same time, is it something you can really live with, day in, day out?

I think recognising that you can’t live with let’s say his lack of planning or restricted communication etc… is important. It’s kinder for you. But it’s kinder for him too - it’s recognising that the way you live, your needs are different. Regardless of ND or NT.
And if you do feel it’s something you can live with LT, then you go in with your eyes open and no undue expectations.

I think I need to be ok with walking away if nothing changes.

Agreed with @Bunnyhair and @SpecialMangeTout but, ND or not, this holds for every relationship.

Over time it's worth working out what your boundaries are and considering the practical details of what traits you're looking for in a partner.

Now, I know that being consistently late is a deal breaker for me - it sounds small, but over time for me it isn't. Being too messy (a certain amount is fine, but at least one surface in a room needs to be clear!).

Oddly enough at this stage musing I want a partner who has a sense of who he is. Gentle men can be absolutely genuine, but some people who were emotionally neglected in childhood really struggle to know what they actually -want-. It means that you don't know what they want, either, and in a way you don't know who you're dealing with. Someone who knows what they want, can assess if what they want is reasonable and can accept compromising sometimes for me, please =) (and ofc, likewise me towards them).

Dialledin - I've recently split from mt partner & he sounds similar to yours. When my back was bad & waiting for an op my partner told me he had been getting depressed because we weren't doing anything! No concern for the fact that I was absolutely terrified.
My friends told me that not all the bads behaviors were because of his autism. I didn't listen, they were right. I should know better as several members of my family are autistic. They get overwhelmed, but don't treat people badly.

@Joy69 you make a good point here. I think there is huge variation in how people (of all neurotypes) are able to deal with their overwhelm though, and of course a lot of variation in what overwhelms people.

It is really tough, though, when other people’s emotional state or physical health is a trigger for overwhelm. This is hard to get past in a relationship. My DH would absolutely say he loves me and cares about me, and he is a kind and well-meaning person. But when I am even remotely under the weather, or worried about anything, or stressed, he just can’t cope at all, goes into shutdown and sometimes has to sleep for days at a time. This is 100% not done to punish me; it’s because he uses me for nervous system regulation, and if I can’t regulate him, he collapses. And this is inseparable from his autism. It’s exactly the same for my DC.

(and had I understood this was going to be a lifelong issue and not something about his attachment patterns, etc etc, that could be worked out and ‘fixed’ with therapy, I might have made some different decisions about living together & having children etc).

Of course this is not the case for all autistic people. But it does upset me when my friends & family say (of my DH, who they don’t know as well as I do) ‘it’s not autism, he’s just being a twat.’ Not least because my child has similar issues and he’s not a twat or a narcissist or an abuser. He’s a child with a nervous system disability who may never grow up to be quite as independent in adulthood as most people are - in the same way my DH didn’t, though he masks it well.

I think this is why some of us end up so ill and burnt out in these relationships. We end up trying to self-regulate (hard with ADHD) AND having to regulate others in the household. It is basically doing the emotional labour of everyone in the household.

If I split with DH I will end up alone because I seem to have some kind of fatal attraction for ND men and it will end up killing me. I just haven't got the energy for it anymore, just me and the DC.

@SquirrelSoShiny same. I often think life would be much easier if DH had a harem, so there would be 5 or 6 other women around at any given time to lend their nervous systems to the family effort. I’d have someone to have a chat and a laugh with, as well.