Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH went to a strip club - how to approach this?

120 replies

Pear2189 · 20/09/2023 01:03

How do I approach this situation without looking like the one in the wrong?!

DH went to a strip club with his sports team. He thinks I don’t know. I know they went to watch a major sports game at this bar. When he came back later in the evening he was VERY in the mood if you know what I mean (this is my biggest concern)

Ive given him several chances to explain where they went but he hasn’t admitted this.

My concern is that he has had a private dance, which would be a deal breaker for me.

So, how do I approach this? I don’t want to accuse him if he hasn’t done this and come across as the person in the wrong.

Yes he does know I wouldn’t be too impressed at finding out that’s where he went but I can understand if peer pressure got in the way on a night out to a certain degree.

Evidence for - definitely went to strip club, must have been there at least 2 hours watching ‘sports’, likely to assume others in the group had private dance. assume there was some pressure from club for dances etc during this time. DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

Website suggests £25 is cost of a dance of card payment - on one payment DH spent £25.20 on card (but admitted as a group they also had a cash pot of severe hundred pounds for the full day/evening). Card payment came up as another name but easily checkable online.

Against - generally very trustworthy, wouldn’t outright cheat, I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done and therefore make myself out to be the insecure one in the wrong, £25 could have been the cost of drinks for X number of people?

Help! How do I go about this?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 20/09/2023 01:06

I don’t understand. Why is it you think he went to a strip club?

Original poster
Pear2189 · 20/09/2023 01:10

This particular group of friends tend to go there on big nights out. Also, I’m told there was free entry to this club on the night when this event was on tv. Other small reasons, but I know they definitely went there.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 01:14

DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

He's a liar so there's no point talking to him about it and expecting honesty. I'd try just asking him if he went and seeing what the answer is. But I wouldn't trust his word since he seems to have some early onset dementia solely related to strippers.

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 01:42

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

I vomited in my mouth a little.

Faez · 20/09/2023 01:53

Lol no leighqt

GilbertMarkham · 20/09/2023 02:04

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

Why would watching other women strip and grind warm up a heterosexual woman. .... Are you one these wankers who likes to think.all women are bisexual?

Why would watching their partner get horned up and turned on by other women stripping etc be a warm up?

Do you also believe the tiny minority of women who'd be into that are representative?

You're delusional.

Guavafish1 · 20/09/2023 02:09

how can you be sure?

what if he denies it all, you don't have 100% proof.

TheM55 · 20/09/2023 02:55

It is mumsnet😂- there are plenty on here that will be along to get the thumbscrews out and beat some sort of confession out of him, or to get off topic debating the rights and wrongs of such an establishment, but you have asked a specific question. You know what, I'd let it go this time, otherwise you will never move on. You have said he is trustworthy, otherwise OK. You have already questioned him several times (so the flare has been sent up that you are not happy with it). I'm not excusing him here, but peer pressure can make people go along with a venue - casino, lap dancing place etc. because otherwise the night ends for them, when actually all they were after was another drink / and to fit in with friends . However, and this is a big "however", you do not settle for it twice. Once, there is always going to be an excuse, or "reason" twice, not so much. HTH x

autienotnaughty · 20/09/2023 04:22

You need to have a conversation with him. Tell him what you know, tell him you are unhappy and ask him to be honest. Then u can decide what to do.

EtiennePalmiere · 20/09/2023 04:43

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

Found the cool wife 🙄

AprQ · 20/09/2023 05:01

EtiennePalmiere · 20/09/2023 04:43

Found the cool wife 🙄

Show quote history

Everyone’s allowed their own opinion. Not every woman has a problem with strip clubs, believe it or not. I’ve been to a strip club on multiple occasions in America and believe it or not, there’s plenty of women there!

However, if the OP isn’t comfortable with this which she clearly isn’t, then there’s no point trying to change her mind or suggest that she goes to one with her husband. Pointless really but I don’t think that makes the pp a cool wife

HappiDaze · 20/09/2023 05:47

You never know what they get up to

I remember 30 years ago my boyfriend got taken to a football clubs night out with someone in a quite dull suburban town and the strippers would lie on the stage and anyone could go up and do whatever they wanted to her up on the stage

I was Shock as was he actually

But looking back I wonder if the poor woman even had a choice. Was she being coerced, trafficked etc

HappiDaze · 20/09/2023 05:49

Some strip clubs are very tame but there's always the option to make extra money in a back room

Ollifer · 20/09/2023 05:56

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

Just eww. I'd rather not go to a strip club thanks 😂 you do you tho hun

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 05:59

Found the cool wife

Or a hairy handed trucker. It's the internet after all.

Loubelle70 · 20/09/2023 06:03

Ask him, thats all you can do. Did you go to a strip club x

ZolaBudd · 20/09/2023 06:19

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 01:42

I vomited in my mouth a little.

Show quote history

Where else might you vomit?

Inyournightgarden · 20/09/2023 06:21

It’s only a strip club let him have a night of fun, most women would happily go and see male strippers unless you’re a nun you’re being unreasonable

ChaToilLeam · 20/09/2023 06:24

Ask him straight out. His reaction will tell you much.

As far as I am concerned, it’s a no-go and my DP knows that, in no uncertain terms.

Loubelle70 · 20/09/2023 06:26

I wouldn't go to a male strip club, im far from a nun. But i do have boundaries and i have a moral code about how women or men are looked upon /treated in these jobs. I wouldnt be happy if my OH went and i wouldn't be with someone who thought it was ok for me to go.

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 06:27

You’d end your marriage if he had a private dance? Must be other issues in your marriage is you’d definitely end things. £25.20 is an odd price for a private strip, more than likely that’s a round of drinks. Are you assuming he went as he was nearby or do you have concrete evidence?

Original poster
Pear2189 · 20/09/2023 06:29

Thanks for all the replies everyone. Yeah agree, I’m not overly happy about him going but I can kind of ‘understand’ to a point.

My concern is more the private dance element which I think is a bit different. Somehow looking for and choosing a lady to take all her clothes off for the purpose of sexual stimulation is bordering on cheating. It feels a lot more personal than siting in the corner watching sports with these ladies in the background.

If I question did he go and he denies it do I also need to assume he had a private dance? Don’t know really?

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 20/09/2023 06:33

Just say “I know what happened but I need to hear it from you. If you lie, I will never trust you again” then let him talk.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 06:33

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 06:27

You’d end your marriage if he had a private dance? Must be other issues in your marriage is you’d definitely end things. £25.20 is an odd price for a private strip, more than likely that’s a round of drinks. Are you assuming he went as he was nearby or do you have concrete evidence?

I would. It's cheating. Just because someone is paying someone doesn't change the fact that a semi-naked woman grinding against my DH is a line for me. He certainly would end things if I did similar to a man. Why is it any different?