DH went to a strip club - how to approach this?

[Pear2189]

How do I approach this situation without looking like the one in the wrong?!

DH went to a strip club with his sports team. He thinks I don’t know. I know they went to watch a major sports game at this bar. When he came back later in the evening he was VERY in the mood if you know what I mean (this is my biggest concern)

Ive given him several chances to explain where they went but he hasn’t admitted this.

My concern is that he has had a private dance, which would be a deal breaker for me.

So, how do I approach this? I don’t want to accuse him if he hasn’t done this and come across as the person in the wrong.

Yes he does know I wouldn’t be too impressed at finding out that’s where he went but I can understand if peer pressure got in the way on a night out to a certain degree.

Evidence for - definitely went to strip club, must have been there at least 2 hours watching ‘sports’, likely to assume others in the group had private dance. assume there was some pressure from club for dances etc during this time. DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

Website suggests £25 is cost of a dance of card payment - on one payment DH spent £25.20 on card (but admitted as a group they also had a cash pot of severe hundred pounds for the full day/evening). Card payment came up as another name but easily checkable online.

Against - generally very trustworthy, wouldn’t outright cheat, I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done and therefore make myself out to be the insecure one in the wrong, £25 could have been the cost of drinks for X number of people?

Help! How do I go about this?

Good for you. This isn't about you though.

Its just saying my opinion. Free speech. 🤷‍♀️

@Pear2189

Sorry, one other thing to add, (haven't read the full thread, so may have been answered) are you basing your "I know he definitely went" on the basis of a transaction you've seen in your bank account?

If yes, one thing to consider (because I've again worked somewhere where this is the case) is that if the club is in a building complex, all the venues can potentially come up as the same thing. Eg. Where I worked, was three stories high, and two buildings wide. Within the complex, was a soft play/carvery place, an arcade, a gin bar, a night club, a sports bar, and a strip club. All of these were owned by the same person. All came up as eg. "Lambeth Leisure" on your bank statement if you paid by card.

It’s only a strip club let him have a night of fun, most women would happily go and see male strippers unless you’re a nun you’re being unreasonable

We clearly know very different kinds of women. Most women I know would find the idea of going to see male strippers utterly cringeworthy and grim. None of them are nuns.

Some people have got to get their narratives straight.
Boasting about being a skilled lover whilst not being fussy that one's partner regularly chucks money away getting hard to strippers as foreplay whilst one is swiffering away doing the Dance Of The Seven Veils ( no touching!) to remind him that one exists to be fucked later.....
It's giving deluded woman whose story about her sexy romps earned her twenty quid from Take A Break, never to enter the classic cannon of erotic literature.
I see polyester mix, scratchy chiffon, Shein and polyurethane and drinks of a colour not found in nature or Pantone. Oh, fuck! Sid James just entered my mind's eye an'all. 'king hell!

Absolute nonsense.

Most men are there because their mates are and they are going with the flow.

Hardly any “get hard” ffs.

Very very few ever want anything more in the back room than a dance, and most don’t even want that but now to peer pressure.

Who the fuck goes to a strip club to watch a match?

Very very few ever want anything more in the back room than a dance

Dance? I love this kind of euphemism. It's not dancing now, is it?

Your opinion with no advice for the OP, just wanting to make sure everyone knows what a cool wifeyou are whilst belittling the OP.

Pervs.

Jesus, you actually believe this don't you? Did your husband tell you that?

But even allowing for pervs, I've been on countless stags, football club nights out, lads holidays etc. Some of the lads might be mad for a strip club at the end of the night. I've never encountered someone sad enough to suggest a strip club as the place to watch a match. Like you don't need an excuse to go if you want to.

I'm shocked they even show sports.

honestly mumsnetters!!! 😂😂😂 there would be nobody left in a relationship if everyone followed your advice.

It's not cheating, it's just a giggle with the lads. Same as when women go to watch magic mike or whatever.

To be honest I had a friend (who wasn't trying to get with me) tell me once that he found it embarrassing and off-putting how he knew that the women didn't like him they were acting, just doing a job..

I am the husband ffs.

So yes I absolutely believe it. Been there and done it and spoken to many others who are the same.

when I was a stripper / dancer, most men who got dances used to sit like a deer in headlights. Was amusing seeing them be the big “I am” in the main arena with their mates and then be like a timid little weasel once in a VIP room. Pathetic.

Also for the doormat who suggested the OP visit a club with her husband. Don’t. The partners usually hate it as they can’t be as loose with their own partner there and the women dancing tame down so much when wives and girlfriends are present. It won’t be anything remotely like the experience of a solo male getting a dance.

OP, I hope you are able to have the conversation with your DH. Have you asked him outright where he went? Let him know it bothers you. Reiterate that you think it is cheating if a committed man gets a private dance. Tell him he has a chance to tell you now and if you ever find out he’s lying, it’s the end for you guys, so it’s in everyone’s best interests to be honest now.

Not that my opinion counts for much, but I do think solo dances are akin to cheating. If I did what I used to do while stripping to a random man, without payment, I’d regard it as cheating on my DH. If my DH had a woman dance naked on him, I’d regard it as cheating. Once you take away the premises, payment and patriarchal culture of strip clubs, you’re only left with cheating behaviour. And it is absolutely fine for you to end a marriage over being cheated on, don’t let anyone mock or shame you or your own boundaries.

Does Channing Tatum get his kit off and wave his dick in women's faces in a private room? 🤔

You don't get to tell other women what is cheating and what isn't. We all have our own limits and boundaries.

I don't believe you.

Ok thanks for your insight what is / has Pixels got to do with the price of anything

LOL. Why not.

How do you want me to prove it?

Have you ever been to one of these places? Your posts suggest not.

Men don’t very often get hard. Why are people talking about grinding? Most have a VERY strict no touching policy.

That’s not a strip club that sound like Something entirely different and frankly terrifying

You seem to be very knowledgeable about strip clubs. Sad really. I always think men who frequent strip clubs and use prostitutes are pathetic and sad misogynists.

Strict no touching policy applies to the male punters. Us strippers could touch the men. Usually with our vulva, in their faces.

9/10 men got hard in a private dance. Some used to ejaculate in their trousers before panicking they had to get cleaned up before going home to their families.

Stop trying to make a private dance sound like an innocent male night out with a few bouncing boobies on show.

I have been twice. Once on my stag do which some mates arranged and once when entertaining clients in London who wanted to go.

I didn’t enjoy either time, the same as most blokes I have spoken to.

I am however better qualified to comment than most of the posters on here on what goes on behind those doors. The exceptions being the women posting here who have worked in such clubs, who all
appear to concur with my version of events rather than that of the women posting who have false impressions of what goes on and despise the places and anyone who goes there without actually knowing what they are talking about.

How you conclude that anyone who goes there is pathetic or interested in prostitutes o have no idea. Here is some shock news, men in your family and men you respect professionally will have been. They probably didn’t enjoy it.

Again, I don't believe you. If you didn't enjoy it the first time why go a second time? If most men hate going to strip clubs why aren't they all going out of business? Why are there always dozens of them in every major city? It's also not much of a leap to conclude that a man who will pay a woman to taker her clothes off and dance, would also pay to have sex with her.