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Original poster

DH went to a strip club - how to approach this?

120 replies

Pear2189 · 20/09/2023 01:03

How do I approach this situation without looking like the one in the wrong?!

DH went to a strip club with his sports team. He thinks I don’t know. I know they went to watch a major sports game at this bar. When he came back later in the evening he was VERY in the mood if you know what I mean (this is my biggest concern)

Ive given him several chances to explain where they went but he hasn’t admitted this.

My concern is that he has had a private dance, which would be a deal breaker for me.

So, how do I approach this? I don’t want to accuse him if he hasn’t done this and come across as the person in the wrong.

Yes he does know I wouldn’t be too impressed at finding out that’s where he went but I can understand if peer pressure got in the way on a night out to a certain degree.

Evidence for - definitely went to strip club, must have been there at least 2 hours watching ‘sports’, likely to assume others in the group had private dance. assume there was some pressure from club for dances etc during this time. DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

Website suggests £25 is cost of a dance of card payment - on one payment DH spent £25.20 on card (but admitted as a group they also had a cash pot of severe hundred pounds for the full day/evening). Card payment came up as another name but easily checkable online.

Against - generally very trustworthy, wouldn’t outright cheat, I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done and therefore make myself out to be the insecure one in the wrong, £25 could have been the cost of drinks for X number of people?

Help! How do I go about this?

OP posts:
beenwhereyouare · 20/09/2023 07:57

leighqt · 20/09/2023 07:24

Your a polite person aren’t you although proper small minded I can now see why he might keep it from you cos you r not very approachable not really good signs that you have a healthy marriage especially when you would bale so easily and that my love makes you the wanker !

Im not a control freak I’m secure in myself secure in my relationship so hell yeah I would watch a attractive woman dance while I drunk some alcohol and if there was a pole I would be in absolute awe because of the skill involved in each movement , it bloody hurts how do these women look great yet I was black n blue covered in bruises but any ho I also like to make love with the mind so I would also be winding my man up in little non touching ways that’s because I’m a skilled lover and know it all about the tease 🙏🙏🙏

And you, @leighqt, are not a polite person, are you? No one polite would ever say the things you've been gleefully slinging at @Pear2189. Being unhappy at the thought that her DH has had a private lap dance does NOT make her small-minded.

There's a huge difference between a group of men watching a stripper dance, and OP's husband having one rub her breasts and genitals all over him. That's interactive sexual activity with another woman. It's cheating, plain and simple.

If her DH has paid someone to make him hard and turn him on, Pear has every right to call that a deal breaker, and you don't have the power to make her feel she's unreasonable.

I don't believe I've said this to anyone before, but you do know there's no additional charges for using punctuation, don't you? Please use it freely. (Obviously I'm not a polite person.)

muchalover · 20/09/2023 07:58

So peer pressure in a grown adult is an acceptable reason to go to a sex shop?

Is peer pressure also ok for class a drugs? Having sex with a sex worker?

"They made me do it".

I thought being adult meant you did not give in to other people's moral codes and had your own but clearly I am wrong.

Do they not have TVs in other pubs?

The lying by omission is still lying. But using the excuse of sports to go to a seedy bar is yuck and due to boys will be boys mentality. 🤮🤢🤢

fruitnutz · 20/09/2023 08:57

dhilez · Today 07:56

Mumsnet puritans out in force in here 😂

if you would end your marriage over a private dance then your relationship has deeper issues

Never been less surprised by a post history...

OP, Relationships and AIBU are full of trolls and others. They pretty much post nowhere else. Being upset by SCs is common. He has lied, he's damaged your relationship - not you.

Ollifer · 20/09/2023 09:09

leighqt · 20/09/2023 07:24

Your a polite person aren’t you although proper small minded I can now see why he might keep it from you cos you r not very approachable not really good signs that you have a healthy marriage especially when you would bale so easily and that my love makes you the wanker !

Im not a control freak I’m secure in myself secure in my relationship so hell yeah I would watch a attractive woman dance while I drunk some alcohol and if there was a pole I would be in absolute awe because of the skill involved in each movement , it bloody hurts how do these women look great yet I was black n blue covered in bruises but any ho I also like to make love with the mind so I would also be winding my man up in little non touching ways that’s because I’m a skilled lover and know it all about the tease 🙏🙏🙏

If you need to go to strip clubs to spice up your sex life then you have issues

Chrispackhamspoodle · 20/09/2023 09:25

I'd be pissed off that he is lying to me about where he went.Why can't he be honest?It would make me feel he thinks I'm stupid whatever it is he is lying about.It's up to you on your boundaries about strip clubs.My husband used to end up in one 'ironically' in Shoreditch (like that makes it ok)with a certain group of friends about 10-15 years ago.He stopped finding it so ironic when he had a baby daughter and grew up.I've made it clear that I find it offensive and left it up to him as I'm not going to tell him what to do - just how I feel about it.He would never go now and it would be a deal breaker if he lied to me about it.

Greenshake · 20/09/2023 09:44

@EtiennePalmiere i wondered how long it would be before someone rolled out the ridiculous “cool wife” comment. Well done for winning the prize.

Mrsttcno1 · 20/09/2023 10:20

To be honest I think the fact you can’t trust him to answer you honestly is a bigger issue than the strip club?

I don’t really have an issue with strip clubs, I wouldn’t be particularly bothered if as part of a night out with a group of friends DH went to one, but I would also absolutely not be okay with a private dance and he knows that. He would never choose to go to a strip club, it would more just be when there’s a large group of them out and he goes with the flow etc, but I know if I asked him he would tell me the truth. It doesn’t seem like you have that same belief in your DH?

Also worth mentioning that there’s a strip club in the city I live, which although technically is a strip club it’s actually more like a sports bar with dancers as entertainment, serves food etc and draws in loads of different crowds, so it may be one like that he went to!

Bookworm20 · 20/09/2023 10:26

I think I would go with just saying to him. So I know where you watched the game, and what you did. Care to explain.
And see what he says/does.

I don't get why he is lying about not remembering where he watched it. But its basicallly so he doesn't have to tell you because he knows you'd be bothered by it. Thats the biggest issue. He was more concerned with not looking bad in front of his sleezy mates and 'fitting in' than he was about your feelings and respect for you.

And I don't care what anyone says. MY DP knows my thoughts on strip clubs. And yes I would end my marriage over a private dance. Because I would end my marriage over being cheated on. And that is cheating. Just because it was paid for, does not make it any less than it is.

I mean if I got naked and rubbed myself all over bob from the local, my DP would consider that cheating. Of course though if I told him he bunged me a few quid, so thats ok. I have a feeling he would not sit there and say 'oh cool, no worries then', he would still consider that cheating funnily enough!

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 15:13

dhilez · 20/09/2023 07:56

Mumsnet puritans out in force in here 😂

if you would end your marriage over a private dance then your relationship has deeper issues

My marriage does have deeper issues: trust, love, respect, boundaries.

I'm always confused about why not wanting my DH to cheat, which is what private dances are, makes me a puritan. Or vanilla, or prudish. None of which the people in favour can even spell, never mind understand.

And OP's DH already lied, which means any trust issues are his fault, not hers.

Dolores87 · 20/09/2023 16:53

I don't have a problem with the existence of strip clubs but I wouldn't be happy if my husband went to one especially without speaking to me about it first. I wouldn't go to see male strippers without asking him how he felt first and I would end the relationship if he paid for a private dance because we are in a monogamous relationship and I would consider it cheating and no we do not have other problems in our relationship. It is just a boundary that because we are monogamous that we don't sexually engage with other people and a private dance is literally using another women's body to titillate and turn you on in the flesh. I can dance and I could give him a decent lap dance if he really wanted that, he doesn't need to seek it off other women.

It is ok for women to have boundaries that are different to other women's. If someone is fine with the husband getting private lap dances then that's ok but it absolutely is fine to not be ok with your partner doing that.

Cowlover89 · 20/09/2023 17:01

Wouldn't bother me if my partner went to a strip club.

Dolores87 · 20/09/2023 17:05

Cowlover89 · 20/09/2023 17:01

Wouldn't bother me if my partner went to a strip club.

That's irrelevant though as she says it bothers her and a private dance would be a deal breaker and she's allowed to have her own boundaries in her own relationship.

Dolores87 · 20/09/2023 17:08

Pear2189 · 20/09/2023 06:59

Thanks everyone. Agree it’s the lying that’s the concern. Why lie if it’s an ‘innocent’ thing. Appreciate he expects I’m not going to be that happy about it and it’s ‘easier’ not to tell me. There’s not anyone else I know well enough to ask what happened.

Truthfully I would make him know that if he did go you would rather know and that is hurtful but fixable but the lying is a deal breaker and if he turns out he's lying about then you are done.

Tbh the lying about is the most concerning thing as he knows you'll be upset and it'll have breached your boundaries but he did it anyway.

I'm sorry. My trust would be really broken over this.

booksandbrooks · 20/09/2023 18:56

I think the bigger issue here is that you don't trust him. You're going through his bank statements before broaching the topic.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 19:30

booksandbrooks · 20/09/2023 18:56

I think the bigger issue here is that you don't trust him. You're going through his bank statements before broaching the topic.

She doesn't trust him because he lies.

Chicken, meet Egg.

AllProperTeaIsTheft · 20/09/2023 19:34

You’d end your marriage if he had a private dance? Must be other issues in your marriage is you’d definitely end things

Really? Would you be happy with your partner / husband having a 'private dance' scenario with someone who wasn't a sex worker? If not, what's the difference?

NeedHelp000 · 20/09/2023 19:42

it Wouldn’t bother me my partner going to a strip club. In fact - he went on one on his stag do. And I have no issues with it at all.

everyone has different boundaries though I know. Hope you figure this out OP

Spinet · 20/09/2023 19:58

I don't know why everyone starts to jump in and say how they wouldn't mind if their husband went to a strip club etc on these threads. The OP does mind. She's said she does. You can't just tell someone they're feeling wrong about something.

I personally would not like the feeling if my DH went one for a few reasons, some of them feminist and some of them just personal and if my H did go to one and then came home wanting to have sex with me I would feel fucking disgusting, like a wank sick quite honestly.

Best thing is to tell him how you're feeling about it OP. Very honestly. And see what he says. It's not about him being 'in trouble' it's about you feeling shit and if you want a long and happy relationship your don't sweep this feelings under the carpet - that's how you end up with a relationship that's dead in the water.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 19:59

leighqt · 20/09/2023 01:34

Why would it be game over if he did go to a strip club, have you ever been to one ? Is it because you fnd it degrading, are prudeish , jealous what is the reason maybe you can go together warm up for final game play together

No, it's because she has standards and boundaries. A lot of women consider strip clubs to be cheating. I mean if you've got no problem with your fella getting a naked lap dance that's up to you, many of us do have a problem with it. It doesn't make the OP or any other woman a prude! Calling other women prudes for having standards does make you a bit of pick me.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 20:01

Inyournightgarden · 20/09/2023 06:21

It’s only a strip club let him have a night of fun, most women would happily go and see male strippers unless you’re a nun you’re being unreasonable

Oh look another cool wife. Why does other women having different standards threaten you so much?

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 20:02

Zanatdy · 20/09/2023 06:27

You’d end your marriage if he had a private dance? Must be other issues in your marriage is you’d definitely end things. £25.20 is an odd price for a private strip, more than likely that’s a round of drinks. Are you assuming he went as he was nearby or do you have concrete evidence?

I've been happily married for nearly 25 years. If I found out my husband had been to a strip club when he knows they're a deal breaker for me, I'd absolutely divorce him! It's called self respect, try it some time.

SirVixofVixHall · 20/09/2023 20:03

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/09/2023 01:42

I vomited in my mouth a little.

Show quote history

Me too. Bloody hell.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 20:05

tara66 · 20/09/2023 07:04

It was a blokes' thing. You are being narrow minded if this is a one off IMO (and I have lived a sheltered life). You do not need to ''approach'' this matter at all. It was an occurrence a male social event.

Would it also be "a male thing" if he got a naked lap dance for free off some woman in a club? I assume you're fine with other half getting his jollies off with other women whenever he wants?

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 20:07

leighqt · 20/09/2023 07:24

Your a polite person aren’t you although proper small minded I can now see why he might keep it from you cos you r not very approachable not really good signs that you have a healthy marriage especially when you would bale so easily and that my love makes you the wanker !

Im not a control freak I’m secure in myself secure in my relationship so hell yeah I would watch a attractive woman dance while I drunk some alcohol and if there was a pole I would be in absolute awe because of the skill involved in each movement , it bloody hurts how do these women look great yet I was black n blue covered in bruises but any ho I also like to make love with the mind so I would also be winding my man up in little non touching ways that’s because I’m a skilled lover and know it all about the tease 🙏🙏🙏

You're a complete walkover aren't you? You let your OH get away with anything because you're terrified of being single. Pretty sad really.

VeronicaSawyer89 · 20/09/2023 20:08

dhilez · 20/09/2023 07:56

Mumsnet puritans out in force in here 😂

if you would end your marriage over a private dance then your relationship has deeper issues

I'm guessing you're fine with your husband getting a free lap dance from some random in a club? Sticking his dick in any woman he wants? Pathetic really, what some women will do to keep a man.