DH went to a strip club - how to approach this?

[Pear2189]

How do I approach this situation without looking like the one in the wrong?!

DH went to a strip club with his sports team. He thinks I don’t know. I know they went to watch a major sports game at this bar. When he came back later in the evening he was VERY in the mood if you know what I mean (this is my biggest concern)

Ive given him several chances to explain where they went but he hasn’t admitted this.

My concern is that he has had a private dance, which would be a deal breaker for me.

So, how do I approach this? I don’t want to accuse him if he hasn’t done this and come across as the person in the wrong.

Yes he does know I wouldn’t be too impressed at finding out that’s where he went but I can understand if peer pressure got in the way on a night out to a certain degree.

Evidence for - definitely went to strip club, must have been there at least 2 hours watching ‘sports’, likely to assume others in the group had private dance. assume there was some pressure from club for dances etc during this time. DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

Website suggests £25 is cost of a dance of card payment - on one payment DH spent £25.20 on card (but admitted as a group they also had a cash pot of severe hundred pounds for the full day/evening). Card payment came up as another name but easily checkable online.

Against - generally very trustworthy, wouldn’t outright cheat, I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done and therefore make myself out to be the insecure one in the wrong, £25 could have been the cost of drinks for X number of people?

Help! How do I go about this?

I give up.

The experiences of me, my mates and my colleagues obviously don’t mean a hot compared to your “knowledge” on the matter 🙄

Not that my opinion counts for much, but I do think solo dances are akin to cheating. If I did what I used to do while stripping to a random man, without payment, I’d regard it as cheating on my DH. If my DH had a woman dance naked on him, I’d regard it as cheating. Once you take away the premises, payment and patriarchal culture of strip clubs, you’re only left with cheating behaviour. And it is absolutely fine for you to end a marriage over being cheated on, don’t let anyone mock or shame you or your own boundaries.

Exactly @Masterofhappydays

It's weird to say that just because the woman is paid, it's magically not cheating. If I took my clothes off in front of another man for titillation, of course it would be cheating. So why is it not when some other woman is paid to do it?

I don't think the boundary, "when you're married to me anyone getting naked with you for fun isn't on" is that revolutionary.

Don’t bring logic into the conversation!

Also don’t listen to doofus, he’s only been twice and likely didn’t have a private dance. I have over 3000 private dances. The men enjoy it.

*gave over 3000

I'd say LTB. But my bar is unapologetically really fucking high

Strict no touching policy applies to the male punters. Us strippers could touch the men. Usually with our vulva, in their faces.

9/10 men got hard in a private dance. Some used to ejaculate in their trousers before panicking they had to get cleaned up before going home to their families.

Who am I going to believe? A woman who has worked in a strip club and given over 3000 dances or a man who has been to a strip club twice? Hmmm 🤔

Thank you!

This.

But my bar is unapologetically really fucking high

That's the best kind to have!

These bloody men and their gang nights where they treat women as objects - makes me want to vomit. Fuck him - let him go see if some other woman wants him - I wouldn't want him.

If he is being deceitful about it then he jolly well knows it is not right.

Amazing how all these strip clubs keep on surviving….
If most men don’t even want to go.
All these poor men dragged in these places, when they really, really, really don’t even want to go.
Can’t believe even one club, nevermind so many are still standing, since men don’t really even want to go.

Jesus Christ!

Was this in the UK? I worked in probably 4 different clubs over about ten years, and in any of them, if a dancer essentially wiped her fanny physically across someone's face, she'd have been sent packing there and then. With the other dancers fucking fuming, because how are they now supposed to sell a £50 dance of them just tarting about with strip tease, if Sally is going to wipe her bits across someone's face for £20. My experience is if anyone caught anyone being too full on, they were reporting them and getting them out of the club asap. For the exact reason, that you can't sell a VIP hour session for hundreds and tell the guy, that he categorically can't touch, when they've just come out of a £20 dance and had someone sucker their vulva to their forehead. The girls were serious business women. Big money, and nothing getting in the way of that.

My experience is absolutely far more like the bobbing about with boobs out, that you have poo-pooed. The girls sell one dance for 3 minutes, in which they sit the guy down, take the money, dance, strip (in fucking huge heels) then send the guy out and are already rapidly getting dressed again to go and grab the next punter, they want the guy in and back out to his mates as fast as possible - so in that whole process taking 3 minutes, there's actually very little contact when you put that into perspective, and so no, in a standard dance, most men don't get remotely hard, they don't have time too!

I'm not at all saying that your experience was not your experience. But it would be nice to have that courtesy reciprocated, as it's clearly very different to my equally valid experience. Maybe there are strip clubs....and then there are strip clubs

Well said

I would say "I already know you went to the club, just tell me what happened. I won't get angry no matter what you say." That always works on my kids. The hard part is not getting angry, but really he did already lie so it's fair game.

I would book a doctor's appointment for him and tell him that the fact he can't remember which bar he went to is so worrying that you need him to get a full check up.

As far as I know Pear and I have no Beef but I didn’t really appreciate being called a “wanker” in the first place so just move on and I’ve got other things to do so have not caught up if there is now evidence of Breast or any other fondling .

about to live my life

My experience of strip clubs is that they are very unsexual places.
Pressure to pay for a dance, pressure to pay for overpriced drinks, look but don't touch.
It's really a bonding exercise for men, but in reality I don't think many of them particularly enjoy it.

@VeronicaSawyer89 there was a post on here about a woman giving a stripper oral behind a curtain...personally never been to anything like that but apparently it happens ...according to mumsnet

He is lying to you, you know that for certain. Which means he's happy to lie to you; you don't know what other times he's lied. It means you can't trust him. Without trust, what sort of relationship can you have?

There is no good reason for him to have lied to you. You know he's lying. I think I would start with 'I know you went to a strip club. Why did you lie?' and see how he responds.

You sound controlling