DH went to a strip club - how to approach this?

[Pear2189]

How do I approach this situation without looking like the one in the wrong?!

DH went to a strip club with his sports team. He thinks I don’t know. I know they went to watch a major sports game at this bar. When he came back later in the evening he was VERY in the mood if you know what I mean (this is my biggest concern)

Ive given him several chances to explain where they went but he hasn’t admitted this.

My concern is that he has had a private dance, which would be a deal breaker for me.

So, how do I approach this? I don’t want to accuse him if he hasn’t done this and come across as the person in the wrong.

Yes he does know I wouldn’t be too impressed at finding out that’s where he went but I can understand if peer pressure got in the way on a night out to a certain degree.

Evidence for - definitely went to strip club, must have been there at least 2 hours watching ‘sports’, likely to assume others in the group had private dance. assume there was some pressure from club for dances etc during this time. DH claims can’t remember where they watched the match.

Website suggests £25 is cost of a dance of card payment - on one payment DH spent £25.20 on card (but admitted as a group they also had a cash pot of severe hundred pounds for the full day/evening). Card payment came up as another name but easily checkable online.

Against - generally very trustworthy, wouldn’t outright cheat, I don’t want to accuse him of something he hasn’t done and therefore make myself out to be the insecure one in the wrong, £25 could have been the cost of drinks for X number of people?

Help! How do I go about this?

Tbh I'm with the pp who suggested that you find a way to let this go while making it absolutely clear that it's really hurting you not to be sure?

Your husband is OK in general, you wouldn't otherwise end your marriage. You are never going to know for sure. I would try to put it in a box and move on.

You know for sure that he went to a strip club. You're not LTB bothered about that but he's lied about it

You don't want to accuse him of something in case you're wrong

So....you know that whatever you say, he'll lie. Unless you have absolute proof

Can you discover if the £25.20 was for drinks or a private dance?

Can you ask someone he went to the strip club with?

Otherwise, I don't think there's much you can do

You could tell him you've been told that he went to the club and had a private dance and see what he says. But I expect he'll lie

More than anything , for me, its the lie that I would struggle with

I'm not particularly cool, but if he'd come home and said ' I got corralled into going to the club. It was quite sexy in a weird way ' I'd have been absolutely fine with it

Lies....not so much

Because it's gross what your husband or partner is getting their dick hard over another naked women which isn't you ! That's why . Jesus

Thing is.....if he didn't have a private dance, how is the strip club any different to live porn on his laptop?

Its all porn

Absolutely this.

See this is what gets me going . Men and women whilst watching strippers are totally different! Women see male strippers and laugh , get drunk with friends and it's just funny to watch . End result good night with the girls , men watching strippers . Ogle them , get hard , talk disgusting talk with their Friends whilst watching . They are disgusting. And I can guarantee that more than 90 percent of men want more in the back room in private . . That's the difference

Why is this lame gotcha always used here when this topic comes up?

Most women have no interest to go see male strippers.
I’ve never been, never want to.
I don’t know any woman who has.

women aren’t as gross and abusive as men.
We’re not the same.

I would not happily go and see male strippers at all! I’m also definitely not a nun!

OP, I would also find this a dealbreaker.

Thanks everyone. Agree it’s the lying that’s the concern. Why lie if it’s an ‘innocent’ thing. Appreciate he expects I’m not going to be that happy about it and it’s ‘easier’ not to tell me. There’s not anyone else I know well enough to ask what happened.

The problem is that he's picked easier on him, not easier on you. Because he wants to avoid a conversation, he's left you wondering. I'd also be concerned that whatever he does at any point, he can just lie to make if easier on him, thereby making the heavier more likely.

It was a blokes' thing. You are being narrow minded if this is a one off IMO (and I have lived a sheltered life). You do not need to ''approach'' this matter at all. It was an occurrence a male social event.

This is all down to boundaries.
I've been to a strip club, it wasnt gross and seedy but it was a bit...I dunno. Odd I guess.

If my DP went to a strip club I wouldn't be massively arsed. But he knows the boundary is a private dance. He also doesn't like strip clubs so I'm lucky enough there! He doesn't bow to peer pressure, I find it odd when people refer to this as am excuse because...grown adults who are capable of saying no even after a couple drinks does exist surely?!

You should ask him. Simple as.

OP I’m sorry to say I think your relationship is probably over either way.

You obviously had suspicions for a reason, and your evidence hasn’t proved otherwise. So why not assume he was there?

On the off chance your suspicions weren’t reasonable but borne out of paranoia and nothing rational, and it therefore turns out he wasn’t in the strip club, I’m not sure how you get back to a place of trust. He may even leave you.

If this was a reverse… a woman posts to say she was invited to a hen do and the bridesmaids had arranged to go to one of those tacky strip shows, but her DH said he’d leave her if she went. She says she doesn’t find them sexy, she just wants to go because everyone else is and doesn’t want to be left out or create a drama. I feel confident a lot of posters would call him controlling, there would be a few LTBs and a significant number would say “go, just don’t tell him.”

And I’m sorry but I don’t think strip clubs are fundamentally different from those strip shows. Apart from the men that go regularly, I think a huge chunk find them a bit tacky. DH has been a handful of times and always says they’re a bit awkward! If the club were showing a sports match, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work out what the draw would have been to go to that particular establishment.

@GilbertMarkham

Are you one these wankers who likes to think.all women are bisexual?

Thank you!!!! I genuinely feel like all men think all women are bisexual 😂

Your a polite person aren’t you although proper small minded I can now see why he might keep it from you cos you r not very approachable not really good signs that you have a healthy marriage especially when you would bale so easily and that my love makes you the wanker !

Im not a control freak I’m secure in myself secure in my relationship so hell yeah I would watch a attractive woman dance while I drunk some alcohol and if there was a pole I would be in absolute awe because of the skill involved in each movement , it bloody hurts how do these women look great yet I was black n blue covered in bruises but any ho I also like to make love with the mind so I would also be winding my man up in little non touching ways that’s because I’m a skilled lover and know it all about the tease 🙏🙏🙏

It’s alright I got some mouthwash you can have 😀😀

Clearly there’s underlying trust issues , Op you said it yourself just ask you will know even if he lies

😂😂😂😂😂

The lying would be the main issue for me as if it was innocent why hide it?

I think there's a bit of a grey area. He knows a private dance is deal breaker. He thinks if he tells you he went, you'll refuse to accept he didn't have one, even if he didn't. So he hides that he went at all.

He probably went and just had some drinks.

I used to work in a club. £25.20 is a couple of drinks, not a dance price. The only time I've seen a dance price come up as odd amounts is one place that was, say, £30 if you paid cash, but 10% card fee, so £33. It would just look a bit embarrassing if somewhere added a 20p transaction charge to a card payment, so this will be drinks, for sure.

I would also say that most people who came in, in a group, did not have a dance. It was this kind of "lads lads lads" culture where by there was peer pressure to come in, but actually, most could see it was a spectacular waste of moneu, and it was actually this that stopped most having a dance, as opposed to morals. I would say that far from being impressed and cheering on the few that did have dances, most guys were like "yeah, mate, nice one, have fun" and once they had gone off for the dance, the remaining group would generally be making comments like "dickhead, wasting his money lol"

Most men (unless alone) do not have dances.

He probably lied cos of your reaction.
I would leave it and move on. It’s normal for men to be aroused by semi naked women.

This

That makes sense, kind of. Hopefully you’re right

She isn't small minded. Thats rude. Just because you accept it doesn't mean others do. Nor that they are wrong. I hate the porn industry (yes it is porn just not in pixels) and the treatment of women in general as sex objects, and its precisely that. It would be a deal breaker for me if he had.

Mumsnet puritans out in force in here 😂

if you would end your marriage over a private dance then your relationship has deeper issues